Ah. The thread name is fantastic. Well done, Head Girl 
I'm pretty sure I mentioned I was going for a gender scan at 16+1, which was last night.
THis is the hardest thing I've ever had to type and a huge part of me doesn't want to burden you wonderful women with it but it seems so difficult to say anything in real life that this seems an outlet for...everything.
The baby had died about 2 and a half weeks ago. Right around the time when I posted that I'd gotten a really high temperature and then a few days later how much better I felt in general; how the ms suddenly lifted even though it had seemed worse immediately before. It's so horrible to look back and see, with hindsight, what that meant. But in some ways, comforting. Like, I have something to pin it on, because I keep thinking why? You just can't ever prepare for that kind of thing, I guess, but after a great 12 week scan, the golden 12 weeks passed.... this isn't supposed to happen is it? I mean, I know it does. Life is cruel and why NOT me? As I was laying on the couch in the room looking at it curled tightly into a ball, I felt incredibly... stoic. It was ME who said the first words: There's no heartbeat, is there? This happens, I thought. THis happens to lots of babies.
I think because I somehow, on some level, knew. I had nightmares the WHOLE night before. Didn't have that for my 12 week/7 week or any other scan I've ever had.
Oh. But when I got home, it hit me; harder than I ever imagined possible.
I have an appointment at the EPU 11.15am tomorrow to basically confirm it and discuss my options. Which I assume are going to be somewhat complicated by the fact I'm still full-on breastfeeding James - he literally doesnt take a bottle/cup/beaker and as he still wakes at LEAST 4 times a night (needing his booby to get back to sleep) I don't know how I can leave him if I need to be in overnight. I thought I had another six months to get his sleeping improved/drinkng from something other than me. How could I have been so complacent?
And... why is my body holding on to the baby? In some ways thank GOODNESS it is, because as of last night I'm TERRIFIED of it starting naturally. I can not, can NOT pass my baby down the toilet, or hold it in my hand or bleed heavily all over the place, in agony because my pain killer options are so limited given I'm breastfeeding (I'm assuming). REally, really NOT saying an earlier loss is any easier emotionally, but the baby is about four and a half inches, and won't be the 'heavy period' a much earlier loss is apparently like.
I'm so sorry to do this to you all and should probably post in prenancy loss (probably still will as I'm scared beyond everything and they'll at least be able to tell me what to expect at hospital tomorrow) but wanted to be among friends, as it were. Which you all are.