FESH Spa & Creche: Plenty more FESH in the brie

[CUNextTuesday]

Welcome all those with aching scars, undercarriages, eyelids and limbs. Find comfort here. Menfolk barred.

Oh yeh, and you're a brilliant actress and I heard you were going to be on the next round of Britain's Got Dance-Off Modelling Talent on Ice. So there ya go.

Can I just point out that earlier when I said "fanny tricks", I didn't mean a vagina which juggles balls & leaps through burning rings of fire. But more, our lady of the north, or south - depending on which way you look at it of course.

I've been to the baby shop this morning to pick up Bear's new car-seat - there was a woman in front of me whose husband racked up 354 euros on ONE CARRIER BAG of distinctly looking average fabrics. AIBU to buy nearly all of his stuff in the sales and spend the good money on me & jb?

Blimey - that's a lot of money to spend in one shop Alps. I'm with you on buying stuff in sales....in fact most of the stuff we have is either acquired on eBay or sponged off Boxer and that is how we manage to afford ski holidays & horses etc.

I'm 37 too and have more wrinkles appearing and grey hairs sprouting every day . Box & I both turn 40 in 2013 and have started planning the bash already.....there will be a bouncy castle and it's NOT for the kids

Shurrup you lot. I am 40 this year. And my grey hairs are thick and wiry and stick up in a halo of fuzz. They look like very long pubes, I kid ye not. And my frown lines are now more like furrows. bah.

Prince's trust? He loves a bit of woo. Career den loan? Or, get TG to go back to uni, have read on mn that you can get childcare covered in such instances.

Oh god. Tonight has been horrid. Got a call at about 8am from the NICU about the jaundice results. Jaundice results fine, but evidence of a UTI in the urine sample. Please to bring your daughter straight to A&E as we may need to put her on IV antibiotics. Yes we know we told you everything was fine this morning, but umm, it's not.

So we have just spent the evening in A&E trying to get another urine specimen and find out what's going on. Initial thought was the poo disaster was to blame. But apparently not. The new clean sample also shows issues. But we won't know for sure for 48 hours. The doc has decided to spare her the IV for now as she seems in such good health and shows no sign of illness. So we're doing oral antibiotics until the results are in.

They also took all new bloods to test again. The doc decided to do this as I fed, in the hope it would keep her calm. It didn't. So I'm holding a screaming baby in an awkward position while my daughter's blood drips on my jeans. I nearly burst into tears myself.

At least we're home now. Could get a call tonight saying the bloods are bad and we need to go back in. Could get a call Friday on the urine sample. Or it might all be ok. Fuck knows.

muser bleeding hell !!! Hope you are ok. Gave had the rushed to hospital experience with MB which was scary. I also has to do the wee sample and I fed him whilst they took blood and, he was only 12 days old, and, well as you know a hideous thing. MB and I have everything crossed for the antibiotics to work quickly. Nice to be at home. We were in the hossie for hours on observation. Much better to be in your own comforts. Please keep us posted on her progress.

Think MB has had either a reaction to the bum wipes or the nappy cream cos his butt looks red and angry. Tho have been using them both for quite some time. Also covers both cheeks and not only on the edges of each cheek. Really hoping it's not more eczema!!! Bet it is. He cried when I changed him and he never does! Any reco's for what to use???? Going to go back to cotton wool and water first off.

silv Olive oil and naked bum time?

muser That sounds horrendous but I think it's very encouraging that she's her normal happy self and still interested in her grub, that's got to be good!

How is everyone doing today?

Bear has been wowing his fans in Glasgow by being uber-chilled baby, all smiles and laughs and not a grumpy word for anyone. JB phoned me from Baby Gap where it sounded like he was scooping up half the shop haha. Good luck to HIM tomorrow wheeling two suitcases through the airport and a buggy. Still, that's what these menfolk do isn't it? Carry.

cunty How are you?

Silv Chamomile and honey teabags are excellent for nappy rash. Make a solution with hot water, let it cool and then use to clean his bum (you can drink the rest if you like?).

I agree with Pone also - lie him on a towel and give him some air time for a bit will help too.

Is he ok in himself? When MiniG had horrendous nappy rash once it actually turned out to be Hand, Foot and Mouth disease - but he wouldn't feed as his little mouth was so sore.

Muse sounds flipping scary. But hopefully she is ok and fighting it off herself if she seems ok in herself? I know it's horrible when little ones are ill.

Thanks all. She does not seem an ill baby at all. If it hadn't been for the jaundice check we would never have known about the possible UTI. No call back on the bloods so they must have been fine. Just need to wait for urine results on Friday.

Muse I have come to realised that the little people in our life are a constant source of worry. Sorry to hear she is worrying the medical profession too. Hope you get speedy results and it all turns out to be fine and something a little dose on antibiotics sorts out.

Silv I am the master of nappy rash having had Peppa suffer from it for nearly 3 weeks. As much nappy off time as possible, cotton wool and water, metanium spread thinly on bot bot and be vvv strict with changing as soon as he does a poo.

Cunty I hope you have taken the day off sick. You sound as if you are having a right shit time of it at the moment. Will this slap round the face with a wet fish help?

Plz to tell me when the terrible 2s will end? Does it go on until they are 3? Longer? Shorter?

Pol can't you just get a voodoo doll of a much loathed person and practice needle prodding on that? Much cheaper I rckon.

Back to the prostitution pols - yes, "granny porn" is a huge seller. You might get lucky and score yourself a "Rooney", knick his watch and be set for life!

(Am not saying you're a granny, but wasn't there some x-factor girl's granny recently in the paper because she was working as a hooker?) Although... in light of your revelation this week that you don't wish to return to the marital bed due to "pawing", perhaps this is not the career option for you.

I am doing good today thanks Alps. TG did the last feed last night, so I was in bed by 10.30 and woke up at 6.30.... bliss! And the sun is shining, that always helps. Glad to hear Bear is wowing the crowds, are you enjoying the time to yourself? When do they get back?

One of the major advantages about doing the degree course is that I will have to spend one night a week during term time in a B&B in Reading. Imagine the bliss.... 32 Monday nights per year spent on my own! Even if it is a less than luxury B&B. Can't bloody wait...

Silv I found Metanium bum cream excellent. Or Bepanthen also good too, but defo do nekkid bum time.

Muse you poor love, what a horrible thing to have to go through. I'm glad she is thriving and seems her normal self, that is a good sign. Any news yet from the hospital? Thinking of you.

Sorry, should have refreshed before x-posting with just about everyone, dozy cah.

Think perhaps you are right Alps. Perhaps i could just do phone sechs instead... far less messy!

I already have voodoo doll of TG Okes. Tis fun, but I am hoping to fix people, not inflict torture. Well mostly anyway.

muse hope Bob is ok, good that she's not feeling poorly at least.
silv hope the nappy rash is easing - we use metanium, seems like wonder cream if you ask me.
SeeYouJimmy here, have this karate kick. I am also 37 this year, I reckon it must be a good age.
alps clearly Danielle Lloyd is a bitch.

Well artie is better, and we had a good night, only waking at 1 and 3.30, both times he was ravenous! He's really getting the hang of this eating lark now too, is getting so good with his hands. Still mostly a spoon refuser though, so it's finger food all the way. I am getting very inventive with what you can spread on a rice cake

just catching up Muse, what a night. Glad she is OK this morning, and fingers crossed for good results.

Dear Fucking Android,
I would like to inform you that your presence here is unwelcome. I have done perfectly well without you for the last 18 months. Your surprise arrival last night was unecessary and intrusive.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that I no longer have any need for your visits at all, as I have now accumulated all required offspring. These random, painful visitations no longer serve any purpose to me whatsoever.
You can just feck right off again and never return.
Yours sinfuckingcerely,
Fanny Priceless (Ms)

Squeaky metal bastard Fans :(

Cunt kicks all round for your troubles. I posted earlier but it must have gone astray.

Am in work of course. And yes, i saw every hour again last time. And yes, Hom had the AUDACITY to tut when i asked him to see to him at 5 this morning on the basis that i couldn't physically haul my ass out of bed yet again, and the alarm was going to go off in 45 mins anyway. Rastus still running a temp so i'm expecting a call from the CM to come and pick him up even though Hom only works round the corner and i'm buried in work. I mentioned to a couple of people in the office that the boy was ill and to a man they gave me this face.

God i'm tired.

fanjo worra fecking arse! Sorry the droid is in residence.

Wrt nappy rash I did an emergency dash to Asbo's on way back from 'oss duties and got some Metanium. Nearly got Bepanthem but in the back of dire excuse for a memory I seem to remember Metanium being mentioned as being good. Wish I'd got two tubes. One for home and one for change bag. Never mind!

Have had a reet mare of a morning as s'pose to go to a NHS thingy for new mums. But get this. No parking. No parking nearby and I was already late due to Mr PoopyPants. So I gave up and went to another supermarket to get cotton wool and chocolate. So I got an Easter Egg and I've now eaten four mini Flakes.

pollypocket Reading is not a million miles from me.........

Would like to thank vag and iggypiggy for a lovely afternoon yesterday. Can't believe I totally forgot to say "BUMSEX" to "Iggs* such a missed opportunity!

Ohhh how is iggs, I miss her.

tues posse????? Men are such fuckers. They'd rather us be drawing our last breath before they even THINK it might be helpful to give us a break. Funny how I bet they'd summon the energy for a quick "how's ya father" in the middle of the night. Actually scrap that, bad example, they
can do that in their sleep. No effort rqd!!

Nah i've given up sylvia. I don't have the energy to fight the inability to put his loved ones first. That maybe a bit dramatic. He's not all bad, just i'm tired of having the same conversation with him.

I hear ya. Same here. Same rows about the same stuff. Groundhog Day.

Defo up for a meet once I'm up that way Silvia.

Sounds achingly familiar Cunty. (the stoopid men shit, not the sleeplessness... thank fuck) Have this wet kipper to the chops and a mainline of pro-plus, that'll wake you up.

Sorry about the metal bleepy fucker Fanny, sucks. You were only saying on Sunday it hadn't reappeared yet. I am hoping for early menopause now that child making is finished. Cos that really sounds like a barrel of laughs.