Dec 2007 - Little People, Large Strops

[strandedatseasonsgreetings]

Will this do everyone?

Glad you had a lovely holiday! And I don't think you are being all superficial!
Hope you showed off your lovely slim tummy

Hi buzzy - wow it all sounds so exotic, holidaying in the Cook Islands! We're off to Devon next week, doesn't have quite the same ring to it (I know, I know, this is the woman who was living in St Lucia until relatively recently!). Glad you enjoyed it and sounds like it's helped you reach the conclusion that you defintely are not into him, which is fine. The fact that he was annoying you is a real sign, if you really fancied him you would have been able to ignore that (although it would no doubt have resurfaced at some point when the passion had worn off!). Do you think you will stay friends?

As for dh, I think he is trying to find times to go paragliding that doesn't impact us too much as a family (eg the other day he went in the evening after the girls were in bed, which is great - I enjoy a bit of peace and time to myself). But ultimately it's the one thing he does that I think he feels helps him hold onto the person he used to be. This is a man who didn't ever want to have children so I think he feels that he should be allowed to keep doing it as he compromised by having a family (although he wouldn't be without us now!). It's all very complicated as I think he feels I should be fulfilled by having children as that is what I wanted but of course it doesn't work like that. And there's lots more to all of this - the reason things blew up the other day was because I wanted to book our accommodation for our trip to Florida next year, and he thought it was too early. Fine, but if I don't book it it won't get booked so I'm not sure why he should be the one to tell me when to do it! (It's because he hates the feeling of being tied down but as we have already booked our flights we are already tied to the dates and the earlier you book the villa the better choice you get....)

Anyway I think we just both need to work at things and I need to be more aware of how my moods seem to be affected by my "cycle".

Yes I was thinking the same thing Clara (re him annoying me). The great things was that all the kids had a FANTASTIC time together - completely blew away my prediction they'd be fighting by day 3. Which in a way makes it more sad that I can't bring myself to fancy him. Anyway because of that I'm sure we'll still see each other, even if just as parents of kids who are friends. He also lives literally around the corner.

Glad things have settled down for the moment with your DH. I completely get where you're coming from on re booking accommodation but I guess it can't do too much harm to humour him for a bit on that one. I bought the Harry Potter 7/1 DVD last week and was watching the "Special Features" disc last night which includes a promo for Universal Studios Harry Potter World in Orlando - does look rather cool. Might have to think about taking kids up to Florida some time in the next couple of years! Actually not as easy as you'd think from here - transit via LA required which is a pain.

BT, how is Cara going? And Daniel?

Clara - your DH was being silly over the accommodation!
BTW - you shouldn't feel that you should compromise because he didn't want to have kids - that was his choice and if he really didn't want to have them he could have done more to prevent it. Don't let him guilt trip you in anyway! I am glad you are working things out though.

Buzzy - the DCs are fine, Daniel was very brave last week when he went for his MMR and Cara is growing like a weed, she is getting so big! Only thing is last couple of days it has been hard to get to nap for more than 20 mins, so by evening she is really cranky. However we now have a sort of evening routine, she is asleep by 8pm until 10:30-11pm when I go to bed. Last night she slept from 11 - 3.15!!

Oh and I won't be going back to my PF role in September as I have been told there are no PF opportunities available So have decided to look at other options and maybe look at doing the course again so I can go back to taking calls. Bit pissed off as I think I have been lied to. Although I suspected this would happen!

thanks BT - I agree he was being silly but am, as suggested by Buzzy, "humouring" him for now!
Am posting to stop this thread disappearing....Nothing much to say, being having a good week (except for one crap outing to a play day where it was one million degrees and three billion children in a park with queues of at least 12 years long to get on a bouncy castle for three seconds....you get the picture!)....lots of days out....off to Devon next week, looking forward to it but can't suss the weather

glad you have a good time buzzy, it's a shame you don;t fancy him when your DC get on so well but hey, and good you will still be friends

clara - glad you're feeling better, and have been having a good week. Agree with BT about him no wanting to have children - he did then agree and it is certainly no justification for doing whatever he pleases whenever he pleases (I know that's not what he does, but you get my point...)

Well I'm on Day 4 out of 7 of NO DC - it has generally been really nice - have been out every night doing something nice, and have got quite a lot of work done. However I am really starting to miss them now, especially as they are too busy having fun to speak to me/skype me - whenever DH tries, they all can;t wait to get away! (except for DS2 who just stands right in the middle of the screen shouting 'HIYA HIYA HIYA' for the duration [head explodes]

BT - very impressed you are already putting Cara down so early - she seems to be an absolute doddle to you. I think I was on the verge of insanity when I had a toddler and a newborn...

Skidd well done you on your week alone!! Sounds like you're really making the most of it. I know what you mean about trying to have phone calls with DC. My DD was hopeless when her father first moved to London, just sat staring at Skype saying "yes" "no" "OK" when he asked her questions. But she has slowly learned that she has to be an active participant to make it work - and she's 9.5!

Happy birthday Clara!

Funnily enough skidd I think the children getting on well was part of the problem - they got on so well that it always seemed to be about them!! So it was actually quite hard to get any time when it was just us and when they were around it somehow just seemed like a glorified play-date for them IYKWIM. Anyway, I'm glad to be clear one way or the other now...

Clairey how are you feeling? Have you managed to see anything of WC's Nan? Seems a bit rough you have to drop all related contact.

BT, I can't remember what "PF" stands for but I'm sure you're bang on being cynical...sounds like Cara is being a star for you though!

Beckle - are you out there? Hope you're doing better with the ADs?

Hiya Buzzy I am here I have been trying to catch up this week and have eventually reached the top of all I've missed. Not sure the ADs are making any difference so far, been taking them for 5 weeks and no side effects or particular difference in arsed-ness either. It's hard to tell with children on hols and being away etc so am going to keep on the single dose another couple of weeks before seeing GP. Your holiday sounds lovely, somewhere nice for the DCs to be with mates and with someone you get along with (even though no romance).

Clara, sorry to hear you've been feeling down too, I think it is really hard at this stage, the children are almost off our hands so we're heading into a new stage of our lives. Our DHs have gotten used to us being at home and less independant too I think. My DH isn't into paragliding but he is also very selfish with his time, he doesn't seem to enjoy spending time doing family things much and plans his time according to what he wants to do (usually something motor related) rather than checking what we want to do IYKWIM? I hope you are feeling a bit better now.

Had a great week in France camping although DH was a pain and we came home a day early as he was fed up with the food and sitting on beaches... We did visit Bayeux to see the tapestry (although DH sat outside) which was fab and the Mont St Michel (DH refused to come up and see the monastry and sat outside) which is stunning and just as impressive as I remember it being as a child.

Hi to everyone else! Sorry for all I've missed in the last few weeks, will try to stay caught up now I am!

beckle at your DH. I can't believe he refused to take part in the holiday like that. I would be livid. Were the DC OK with it? (BTW I remember going on a holiday which included the Bayeux tapestry and Mont St Michel - like you, my mum was amazing and got us all excited about the Battle of Hastings while my dad sat outside ) - I wonder if your DH is the problem more than you being depressed. Being at home with DC without much support even at the w/e must take its toll. Plus I remember you saying your DH wasn't very supportive about therapy/mental health. Do you think this is a possibility? Good to see you anyway

buzzy - can totally imagine a 'glorified playdate' holiday taking away the adult pleasures! Good you have it sorted in your head what you want and can move on though, NEXT PLEASE!

clara - sorry if this is TMI but I really want to share! Since my DC and DH have been away and I haven't been bogged down in the drudgery of domestic life, oh my God my sex drive has increased about a hundred fold - it is just staggering. Of course once they are back I will be exhausted again BUT it made me so happy to think that it hasn't gone forever, it is just ground down a little for a while. So I think we have every reason to look forward to the future (in the meantime I am getting my kicks from reading DH Lawrence's The Rainbow )!!

aaagh wrote a really good reply and lost it into cyperspace! sooo annoying, this keeps happening with MN.
Beckle I am also with your dh and agree it can't be helping with the way you are feeling. It's very draining looking after children let alone having a non-supportive partner also behaving like a child. I hope the ad's have some affect soon. I am still toying with counselling, will see how I feel after the summer. I am definitely going to keep an eye on my "cycle" and see whether coming off/changing my pill helps my moods. My dh has been an arse but I have to deal with it, there's no way we can really split up (unless he did something awful).
I am just hoping this is all part of marriage and am very happy to hear from skid that it is still possible to feel sexy!!! Although at you getting your rocks off to the Rainbow. I read it for A Level and remember it being very tedious. Could there be two versions? Perhaps I had better dust off my copy and have another read...
Thanks for birthday wishes buzzy - I had a nice day, ended with us taking the girls out for a very pleasant meal at a local restaurant, they both behaved beautifully which was a real bonus.
Off to Devon with the dd's to stay at a farm with my family tomorrow morning. Dh not coming this year - he upset me too much last year (he doesn't mix too well with my family). Not long after we get back we are going to Holland to a Eurocamp type place, which should be nice if we all get on ok! Looking foward to doing some cycling with the dd's.

oh no not tedious at all - earthy and passionate and wonderful (perhaps more appreciated in middle age...), although I seem to get excited by anything atm - went to see The Importance of Being Earnest tonight and was spent Act III mentally undressing Algernon

Glad you had a nice birthday and hope Devon is good - might be good to have a bit of a break from DH and have some time to think/talk. Would you talk to your family about him or are they a bit too close?

Glad you are still thinking about counselling. I am also thinking about it, have had a counselling website bookmarked on my laptop for about 6 months now - might actually pluck up the courage to do something in another six...

Where is clairey??

Thanks for your support guys, unfortunately DH's behaviour does rub off on the children, especially DS1 who seems to parrot whatever he says ("who wants to see a stupid bit of long cloth?") and find it funny. The children didn't come and see the Tapestry although when I came out I found out that DS2 had wanted to come in and see it but DH wouldn't let him . Only DD came into the monastry at Mont St Michel with me (she loved it "Me and Mummy went on the San Michel!"), the boys sat outside with DH again so they missed out on both things. Luckily we had gone away with our lovely neighbours so I had some company looking around but still...

Sometimes I wonder if DH is a problem for me, he's never been supportive at all although I look back to a few years ago when I loved him so unconditionally and wonder what has happened. I hope it is just the general everydayness of life and the rest will come back in time but like Clara said, splitting up is not really an option (if it was even what I wanted) unless he did something really terrible.

Like your DH Clara, mine struggles a bit with my family, he generally makes the effort but there is always a bit of friction with him and me as he just doesn't 'get' my family I think. Time with them is easier without him as we can be our own daft selves.

Skidd, interesting to see what a week with no stresses can do! I also studied DH Lawrence at A level and thought it was very dull! I don't think I read Rainbow but perhaps its time to give it a try...

I feel really traitorous saying those things

Beckle - at your DH, very unfair of him to behave like such a child! I hope you had a good holiday anyway!

Cara's bedtime isn't going that well lol - she needs to be fed to sleep and it takes ages to put her down! Poor DS gets very neglected, especially on those days DH can't get home on time!

aaaaggggh that is TWICE now that I have lost an entire post

OK this is what I said (twice):

Beckle ? so sorry to hear about your DH?s behaviour. Please don?t feel like a traitor ? you are just getting things off your chest and MN is anonymous and we don?t know who he is so this is the perfect forum for it.

Is there anything you can do to improve things? Does he realise that his behaviour is unacceptable? Have you talked about it? What does he say? It is so sad that he is missing out on his children growing up through his own choice.

I was really struck by both you and clara saying that ?splitting up isn?t an option? and just wondered what this means ? is it because of the DC? Or financial reasons? Or just that that is not what you want? In no way am I trying to persuade either of you to leave you DHs (obviously!) but just wondered why you both felt like this.

Saw you holiday pics on fb btw ? you all look so happy and they are amazing photos ? I really hope the photography thing works out for you ? you are really talented

I'm here

Skid hate it when that happens, bloody technology!

Beckle sorry to hear you've had some problems, sounds as though your dh was a bit of a misery on holiday. XH used to be like that and I used to find it so draining trying to get him interested in doing anything. And then feel guilty for even suggesting doing things he didn't want to do. Glad your neighbours gave you some company though. And don't feel disloyal, that's what mn is for I think-talking about the things we can't voice so easily in real life.

My sex drive came back in full force about 2 months after we split up so he was definitely the issue for me (and the thought of having sex with him makes me feel queasy even now when I'd probably jump on almost anyone else )

Have agreed to go on a date with the man I told you about, not til 25th aug though as both quite busy til then. Don't think I'm really looking forward to it though And he seems VERY keen which I am finding offputting (though I'd probably love it if I was more into him ). See how it goes I suppose.

Buzzy I have seen wc's nan a few times but do find it quite hard with all the pics of him and her talking about him. Also she is quite upset at seing so little of him these days and I feel guilty because he probably would have kept on going to see her most days if it wasn't for her living in the same road as me and him being scared of being seen near me. Then again, I think he should have just said tough I'm not going to stop seeing my nan.

hello [waves]

Hmm doesn't sound too promising re date if you are already not excited! Still good to go though - you never know what might happen

Must be so hard re: wc but I'm sure it will become less painful with time. Rememeber that you are doing the right thing and you should be very proud of yourself

DC back today, yippeee - although DD has made friends with the girl next door and doesn't want to leave, and DS1 has been up in the attic by himself playing with Fireman Sam figures and doesn't want to come back. DH says they haven't asked for me once - the cheek!!! At least DS2 should be pleased to see me... if he rememberes who I am... [self-pitying whine]

Weeeellll tbh I had a good chat with him the other night and was feeling more positive about it but then he sent me a text saying he was "off to beddybies nighty night" which made me cringe and almost vomit and now it would take a hell of a lot for me to fancy him. WHYYYYYYYY would he say that???? Makes me all skin crawly just thinking about it, urgh.

Yay for the return of the dc! Sure they have missed you really, mine always seem not to but then tell me they have and become extra clingy and annoying Or maybe they've just learnt I am needy and like to be told these things!

Skidd - Aww glad you survived your time away from the DCs, sounds like theyb had a fab time :)
Did you get plenty of work done?

FO - Yey for your date, although the text would have made me cringe too! Hopefully he will be better on the day!

Hmmm well not exactly a sexy bedtime message I give you.... and if he came out with that kind of stuff regularly then definitely not good, but maybe he was just trying to be sweet and not at all pervy - if he had texted something about what you wore in bed or something, would that be worse? [grasping at straws] - but yes VERY cringe-making

DC are back SOOOO good to see them, DS2 didn't quite recognise me - it was really sweet - I could tell I was very familiar to him, and he let me pick him up no problem, but he was really coy and kept looking away and even lifted up his top to show me his tummy which is what he does when he meets new people

DS1 and DD were so sweet, have both been hugging me constantly since I got home, and full of news to tell me. DD had also made me loads of pictures and stories and cards while she was away. I think I might do it every year!

BT - that sounds difficult with DD's bedtime - I found bedtime really hard with more than one for quite a while. Can you read DS a story while feeding DD or will that syop her dropping off?

Skidd, that is a good idea, normally we read stories in DS's bed but we could do that in our bedroom. I shall try it tonight!

lol imagine getting frisky and him saying "shall we go to beddybies"

BT can't actually remember what I used to do at bedtime but I suspect with ds' screaming tendancies poor dd was often left to a story cd... not much help to you

marking my spot - back from holiday in Devon - mostly had a good time - will be back to add my tuppence worth soon...

OMG, thick snow in Wellington, I've never seen such a thing in my life before. We're practically at sea level and the 42nd parallel- that's somewhere in Spain for those used to northern hem latitudes - so it is a bit odd!! If it stays overnight school could be closed tomorrow....we don't have grit trucks around here :)