Termination many years ago - Will God forgive me or will I go to hell?

[wishitwasdifferent]

I apologise in advance for if this topic offends anyone or if this is not the right please to put it. But I want to ask for advise and don't know where else to turn.

When I was 19 I had a termination and it is something I feel more and more guilty about with every passing year. I am now in my 40's.

My Mum and Dad didn't even discuss with me the option of keeping the baby and it was a case of "here is the money, sort the problem, what will our friends and neighbours think" etc etc. I know it was the wrong thing to have done, I lay in the hospital shaking and in fact I was put to the back of the queue by the nurses as they knew I was very unsure, But I knew my Mum in particular would have been very very angry and so I went through with it.

There is not a day goes by that I don't regret it. I have other children now, but I wish I had fought to keep my baby, I wish I had been stronger for him/her and that I had given that child a chance. I managed to get my feelings under control (although still always guilty) until a few years ago. At that time my now ex husband said in arquements with me (he was an alcoholic)said that I was a useless Mum as I allowed my baby to be murdered and how could I call mself a good Mum if thats what I had allowed in the past. I knew he was just being cruel but it hurt and still does.

Then a few years ago my brother and his wife had a miscarriage. She found out I had had a termination and there was a massive row in the family as she wouldn't speak to me for what I had done. When they did go on to have childen I was not allowed to be a godparent because of my evil past. My Mum has never stood up and said they put the pressure on me to do it, I have taken all the flack from some family members in order to protect my Mum and Dad and I am disgusted with myself that I did it. Why oh why did I let it happen??

I am the most devoted mother ever, I love being a Mum, always wanted to be a Mum right from being very young (and really can't believe I did what I did) I am petrified of dying because of what may happen to me and I used to love to go to church but since the godchild incident, when I have sat in a church it makes me feel like a really evil person and the dying fears etc get worse.

My DH (I re-married) knows everything, is very understanding and tries to support me when I am down over the subject, but I wish I could sort my thoughts out over it all. Any advice please. x

I am sorry about the pain you are still feeling. I had an abortion when I was 17 (I am now 31). As other folk have said it sounds as though you need to forgive both your parents and yourself.

I am a Christian and I felt intense overwhelming shame for a long time over what I had done. However when I brought it before God I expereinced his forgiveness. Please dont let the pain of the past be a ball and chain around your neck effecting your life now. You have wonderful children and sounds like a very loving husband who needs you to be happy and not hurting the way you are.

About 10 years after my abortion I went to a group at the British Victims of Abortion in glasgow. This was so helpful as there were other folk in exact same boat as me. Post abortion stress is a real thing and it needs to be addressed.

Please remeber that you are SO precious to God

I agree with everything that's been said here about God's forgiveness. Just wanted to add, as well, something about one aspect of your posts - IMO it is not too late to build the kind of relationship with your nieces that you want to have. When you are with them, I would go ahead and play with them or do whatever you want to do. Your SIL is wrong and very misguided in her views - I would try and speak to your brother about it again, perhaps with your DH (who is a treasure) there as back up, and say that while you can't make your SIL like you, you can be a loving hands-on aunt to your nieces and that is what you really want to do, when you see them at family gatherings. Don't believe her ridiculous notion that you are a bad person. You clearly have so much to offer your nieces as well as your own children - don't let your regrets and pain about the past stop you in this.

You did nothing wrong.....you coped the only/best way you knew how at the time. ( your Ex was a beast) God forgives and your little child is there waiting for you in the spirit world i believe.
I had a termination and i did not regret it. My kids were 2 and 4 then. They are now grown up and i have a 9yr old .

Life unfolds in a mysterious way and you mustnt blame yourself for the choices you make. Everyone feels bad bout things they have done. . .but we are ONLY human.
GODBLESS x

I havent been able to read all this thread, but I would like to thank you for bravely posting it.

This is a question that haunts me as a lapsed Catholic, I am on occassion terrified of dying and going to hell for the same reason(s).

I have come to terms with what happened, I know there was no real choice, without such a huge impact on many things and that what happened needed to happen, but that fear of getting to heaven and being sent to hell as a result of those decision is alive and kicking.

I dont go to church and havent done since I was in my teens and have been afraid to ask this very question, so once again thank you.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I noticed your question. I also noticed the answer people are giving to you.

As a Christian my answer is yes God will forgrive you, if you ask Him to. He also wants you to forgive yourself. He wants you to have total peace not beating yourself up for what happened years ago.

I noticed some people said that you dont need God to forgive you. With Gods forgiveness COMES TRUE PEACE.

1 Peter 5 v 7 (N.L.T) Give all your worrie sand cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you.

You sound like a wonderful mum. Enjoy your children.

It takes courage to write this and may you find comfort in knowing you are very special to God.

,my answer is a bit late but thought i should write,,im a christian and th ebible tells us that when you are in Christ,all things are new,you are now a new creature,all things have passed,,and that God as a forgiving God not only FORGIVES,,he also FORGETS them,,coz you have been forgiven,,He doesn't keep count for He knows we are fallible,,

i donæt agree with people who say you don't need God to forgive you,,you do,,you also need to forgive yourself and realise that you were young,made a mistake and with the adults giving pressure,,

there is nothing you can do that will make God love more or less coz He just does love you anyway,,so all you need to do is ask and you will receive,,and im so sorry you had to go through that,,and you sound like a loving mother,,everyone deserves a second chance,,God loves you,,cheer up,,and don't let the enermy steal your joy coz thats what he wants,,you to be miserable,,God bless you,,

Chenge its lovley to hear your response as a christian also.

You are honest yet very sensitive.

Thankyou to everybody who has added comments recently. I have felt much better in myself recently as I have really take on board comments posted on here and really thought about the fact my guilt has allowed what my SIL etc has said to really take a grip of me. I guess she vocalised what I thought about myself and therefore I told myself she was right and I was a truely evil bad person...BUT I am trying to forgive myself, I know what I should have done, I know what I wish I had done but I also know I can't change that.

I do believe in God, the church etc and maybe one day I will be able to speak to someone like a vicar about all this but I am much too scared to do that even though I know I want to. It really would tear me apart if I did and I had picked the wrong person to confide in and they were very negative towards me and what happened. Who knows though maybe one day.

Thanks again to you all, you have really shown me human kindness when I needed it.

I too had a Termination at 19... I was in the Armed Forces Based in Germany. My Boyfriend at the time was a year older.

When he found out I was pregnant over much arguing before this he refused to support me. I felt like I was mental tortured into doing something my heart did not feel right doing! But I went against my true feelings and I suffered just like you ever since.
Not a day passes me by when I think I could have done things differently. Made different choices.

I'm 30 now and it has changed my whole life! I am more honest with myself and others with everything I do... I feel more pain than I use to, as empathy with others. I have prayed for forgiveness myself many times. If there is a God as I would like to think there to be. I know in my heart that Gof has always forgiven me. If God knows me like I know my own experiences... I have truly suffered. I see myself, I remember myself and the pain everyday. (I am crying as I type)... what I do know now is I have hope and I trust in myself! I know that I could have only done at that time what I did with the knowledge that I had. Now I live my life with full vision. I look at what I did not change. I see what I can now change. Most of all I know my own moral judgement to be true to myself and for good intentions of all involved.
It is hard to forgive yourself I know, but it is easier to not allow your life to be filled with something more. One thing I will say, is that you will understand better than anyone else is that I live for my child I could never hold and I show him/her through my eye how they have given me strength, hope and love.

As I do this it is out of love for my child, not to allow my life to stop moving forward is the great worth I can show I have for them and my Daughter I now have!

xXx I hope this brings you some peace xXx

What truly lovely posts on your thread, OP.

I would say that not only does God forgive you but he runs to meet you, and hold you, as you are now and as you were then at 19. He cherishes you, OP. You are very, very dear.

Nearly 1 in 2 British women will have a termination in their lifetime in this generation.

It's a legal medical procedure.

I really don't believe we will end up in hell, promise.

Irrelevant in this instance, line. Also dismissive of OPs very real agony about this. She won't be the only one, either.

I too had a termination and struggled to reconcile that with my religion.

I talked with a friend who reminded me that God is the Father, our Father. Our relationship with Him is like parent and child and He loves us. Would I send my child to suffer for all eternity for a choice they made? No I wouldn't, and neither will He.

I know this thread is old. I wish I'd seen it after my termination when I was struggling. The responses are heart warming and very comforting.

It's not if God will forgive you, but can you forgive yourself?
I am a humanist so I need to get that out there before I go on.
You need to look inward and take stock of your past actions. I think, at 17, the world is so big, we are easily led, we think we know what we are doing, but are under the huge influence of parents and friends.
When you make peace with your actions, you can learn a bit about yourself. You did nothing wrong, in the circumstances. I hope your experience made you stronger.
Ignore the ignorant. They know nothing. You are a good person

Oh OP how could you have done anything else? You did your best and you will be fine.

I agree with the others, that you were young, and not responsible, IMO.

I also want to add that there is no such place as Hell. Hell is a hole in the ground. (The word comes from the same word as 'heel', as in the verb, to heel in a potato, i.e to push into the ground.)

Hi OP, I know you posted some time ago now but I just had to give you these . I'm a Christian and have come into contact with charities that offer Christian pregnancy crisis counselling. Quite often, this counselling will be for women who are in exactly the situation you're describing. There is no doubt whatsoever that God will forgive you for what happened but I also agree with others that there is a need for you to forgive yourself.

wishitwasdifferent I am so very sorry you have been through this. You are not to blame, you were young and vunerable and the person/people who should most have protected you did not. It was a form of abuse from your mother and father. You are not to blame. I know for a fact God forgives things and if you wish to talk to God about this and tell him (of course he already knows) and experience his love and forgiveness for anything in your life. You can. But please hear me that in this case you were pushed into a corner and sadly were not able to fight back. I think we all make mistakes and we all need to take responsibilities for those mistakes but I feel in this case you were more sinned against than sinning. But as I say asking God for forgiveness for anything is always OK.

Now, I would strongly recommend you get some sympathetic counselling from someone who is professionally qualified to provide this. Your GP should be able to refer you. Hopefully they will not try and minimalise your religious thoughts and wont try and imply etc that it doesn't matter, because it does, it really matters to you and that is clear. But I think you need to see that you were pushed into a corner by the very people who should have looked after you. Please do tell the GP this, that you are not now regretting something you chose to do in the past but as still suffering from something done to you against your will. If you need support to ask for her, please ask your husband to go to the GP with you. Please get the help you need.

The fact wider family members have found out about this is awful and very wrong, it is your life and you should be able to keep it private or talk about if you wish to.

Your ex husband was an idiot, obviously, whose alcoholic problem allowed him to hurt you. There is no excuse for cruelty but people who are addicted do sometimes do very cruel things because of their addiction.

Your sister-in-law and brother were very wrong to use this as a reason not to ask you to be God parent.

MAYBE, if it right FOR YOU and for your own sanity it MAY BE time to stop pretending this was your choice and let the wider family know that you were pushed into this. However, I would first seek counselling so you are strong enough to deal with the fall out and I would take professional advice on this as dealing with recriminations etc may be more harmful than just allowing this to lay in the past.

Clearly for you and your family it is not fully in the past but you can, if you wish, make it clear to the family that this is a past event and you will not discuss it any more. Please take back your power and decide how best to handle this in future.

As far as God goes I would personally, if you are not a member of a church, find a sympathetic and pleasant Anglican (C of E) church, or whatever is your tradition, and find your way to make peace with God. He is loving and kind and wants to know you more.

Value and love those who are in your life and bring you happiness, lovely kids and husband. You have mourned for your lost baby and if it brings you comfort I would (with professional advice) name that child, and plant a tree in their memory or whatever. I had a miscarriage a few yeas ago and named my baby Sammi. I found some Bible verses which were special to me.

I hope you find peace. Please feel free to PM me if you wish.

I have not read all the other comments so I am sure some of my advice is repetition and I hope you will take from it whatever is useful and let any unhelpful advice slip away.