Any clergy wives??

[clergywife]

Scuse name change...

my dh is a parish priest. I'm more and more realising how hard it is for me to maintain REAL friendships within the parish because i'm never just me, i'm his wife, i'm someone who may know stuff (rarely! lol), i'm a reminder of the disagreement they had with him last Sunday, I'm not just a random friend....

Is this unusual or am I normal in this?

Every now and again I think it's ok,. I've cracked it - but then I realise that I am not on equal footing however hard I try because they always perceive me as a link into the vicarage - whether psotiive or negative.

I'm not sure if it's cos I am young (late 20s) and if I were older I would have the same problems...

I am not being very concise, but i wanted to see if anyone had any experience....
When talking about this briefly earlier, I likened this to a gp's wife trying to have friendships with her dh's patients and dh nodded very sagely at that . So frustrating.

I'm a clergy spouse. Twenty-plus years in.

Easiest to make friends outside the parish, esp. online or at work. Or build on old friendships from before or from previous parishes; or with other clergy spouses (though actually I avoid this last one).

Advantages: people generously babysitting for us in our early years; good parishes and funeral directors who don't impose on your day-off; keeping a tidy house most of the time just-in-case. Clergy spouse around during the day to assist with parenting. Your kids grow up mature from having to deal with the necessities of the job - communicating with adults and mixed-age congregations, and helping parents out with things.

Disadvantages: where to retire to and how on earth to afford a house at that point. No real friends in the parish day-to-day; having to be nice all the time. Concern over everything your spouse does - will the parish like it? Do they support it? etc

We keep to a day-off as much as possible, not that we can afford to do much with it. We used to meet up with other ordinands and spouses from our days at college but don't have time or geography for this now. Sometimes friends from previous parishes can become strong 'proper' close friends once you have left to go to another parish. They come to visit us at weekends as we never get away apart from family holidays.

but being a clergy spouse is a very very good thing, not "just" a spouse in the ordinary important sense. Me and mine work together on most things - we keep each other grounded and not too workaholic - and I make sure I only do what I really feel I want to and ought to (and that God calls me to obviously). Have never polished brass or attended Mothers Union or arranged flowers, and refuse to lead intercessions, but I do plenty else.

Hi DandyDan, welcome to the Clergy spice thread. Some good advice there. I like your last paragraph, so positive, great to hear it has been so fulfilling for you.

Wondering how everyone is - shivster, LPW, heathenwife?

We are pootling on OK here. Things seem very slow and frustrating. Or maybe I just have PMT

Thanks for asking, madhairday, and sorry to hear things seem slow and frustrating. Any chance of some time off after Easter? All ok here.

DandyDan, I definitely agree about the advantages. Having DH in the house when I was on maternity leave - even if he was working most of the time - made a huge difference and meant I wasn't lonely.

Welcome DandyDan

Hi Madhairday - We are doing ok thank you - just entering into Holy Week and all the non-stop services that entails (for the first time as curate and other).

I hope everyone has a good and enriching Holy Week and has some time to rest and recuperate post Easter! xx

hello!!

thought I'd drop in with an update and to revive this thread! We are moving in less than five weeks in prep for DH to be ordained in June. Still bricking it and feeling more and more detatched from 'college' life. The boxes arrived yesterday....eeek!!

Thanks for your post DandyDan - it was really interesting. I am worried about the friendship thing - have made some good friends here and am worried I may feel isolated in the new parish. I am applying for a couple of part time jobs (have 3DC's so anything more would be pushing it), but this is problematic in itself due to my qualifications/ experience in my field.

A couple of practical questions if any of you more experienced people are about.....With the resettlement grant we need to buy a cooker, and I'd really love a range - they're not as pricey as you may think. However - how practical is this seeing as we will be moving in four years? Am I likely to have to get rid?

On a happier note, we are moving to a nice big house, which the children are very excited about!!!!

Hi cheesypopfan. Good to see this thread revived again
I guess I'd say with the range that unfortunately with vicarages you can't always have the space you would like for cookers etc, and though a range would be lovely I would advise getting a really good standard size cooker that will last you a good few years. Having lived in vicarages a lot of my life my experience is that there is always only standard space for a cooker. Annoying I know...

Glad you're moving to a nice house. It makes all the difference. And you will make friends. I am two years down the line now into our curacy, and I can honestly say now I do not want to leave here as I love my new friends. It is all going so scarily quick though, if we can't get funding for a fourth year we'd be leaving next summer which atm leaves me cold - had enough of moving!!

All the best - its a funny old time.

Don't get a range as the space might not allow for it, and within four years and another move, even if it fits in this house, it might not in the next (more than likely) and you'll have to say goodbye to a cooker you've presumably come to love and work well with. Go for a standard cooker.

When we started out, a cooker was paid for by the diocese - you were given a means of heating yourself (a fire) and a means of feeding yourself (a cooker). When we moved to a vicarage with a built-in cooker, we foolishly got rid of one that my parents had passed on, and then in our next place, faced the change in diocesan policy and had to fork out for one again.

Yes - i knew that it would be impractical - i just needed to hear it from someone else.... Just tempted with the idea of a bigger cooker - big family and all that! Have seen some nice 'conventionally sized' cookers that have double ovens, so will prob go for one of those. Thanks for knocking some sense into me!!

Oh I remember the 'preparing to move' feeling...can't believe we are coming to the end of our first year in the parish. We are preparing for DH's priesting at the end of June.
Oh pants... that means I have to entertain my mum and DH's parents alone again...
the plus this year is the lack of boxes and the fact that my DS will be in nursery for some of the time.

Oh exciting re the priesting shiv - it was a good time for us last year. It goes so quick doesn't it....our thoughts are already turning to the next place as could be next year, but hopefully we'll be doing another year after that if things go to plan
Good luck with the ILs!
How are things in general with you?

well - moving day is tomorrow. Currently surrounded by boxes. Resettlement grant not yet through and no sign of it coming, so we have had to buy all our white goods/cooker etc ourselves, which is slightly irritating! But I believe some dioceses expect you to buy the stuff first anyway, so can't complain too much! Good luck to those of you whose other halves are being priested soon - exciting times! Please pray for my sanity in the next few days!!

i empathise with your situation clergywife yes, naturally people will see you as a route into the vicar's head/diary/wallet/heart... my technique is generally (and with discernment) to be a dead end I just say 'oh you will have to email him about that' and smile sweetly.

aaaargh....really peed off today so am going to rant on here. Feel free to ignore!!! As some of you may know, we have just moved into parish for DH to start curacy. We have been lucky enough to be in a big vicarage. When we first looked around the house with DH's incumbent and the property man, the incumbent said that there was a lady in the parish who will paint the house as she sees it as part of her ministry. We thought - great, how kind. So, she painted the house - we were given a colour chart but just opted for magnolia throughout. The house does look nice. However, today she has given us a bill for £700 for her time. I am really peed off because no mention of cost was given before hand and we have no way of being able to pay this back - DH has only just started, I am not yet working, three kids etc etc. i know, in hindsight, we were probably a bit naive to think we wouldn't have to pay for it, but if we had for one minute thought we would, we would have said thanks but no thanks, and I would have painted what needed doing. It seems like such a lot of money to spend on a house we are only going to be in for 3 years, and we can't afford it in any case. Sorry to offload, just really fed up.
hope everyone else is ok - I guess some may be preparing for ordinations/ priesting this weekend. Dh's was last weekend. It was a fantastic day, if a little exhausting!!!

That's awful! If it's part of "her ministry" then how on earth can she then charge for her time? You paying for the materials would be fair enough, but I think that's really cheeky of her. Can your DH discuss it with the incumbent? Maybe express it as being a "misunderstanding" if he doesn't want to be shirty about it? You're kind of stuck now it's done, but the incumbent could maybe pay it now and you pay it back over time. And at least the incumbent might think through how it had been explained to you so it doesn't happen to the next curate, at least.

I'd have been utterly shocked if anyone had done that to us.

That's a tricky one! If the incumbent is no help, could you apologise to her for the misunderstanding and explain that you are not able to pay for it all in one go, and could you pay her over a few months? I think she would have to be really hard-hearted not to then say to forget it, or to just pay her for the materials.

Of course she still might ask for the whole cost in which case you are a bit stuffed unless your incumbent can step in ...

Hope you get it resolved!

Thanks! DH talked to his incumbent who had no idea that she was going to charge - we knew she'd charge for materials, which were billed to us seperately - but had no idea she would do this. His incumbent has been brilliant, though, and is trying to sort something out with the PCC or some other means. A lesson learnt.

OH cheesy that's completely not on, no way should you even consider paying. I am stunned to be honest - to say that is her ministry then give you a whopping great bill, in what world is that OK? Fuming for you here. It's an expensive enough time as it is. Glad the incumbent is being supportive and sorting it out for you. Hope it all comes together ok, and glad the ordination was good. Thinking of you for the coming months. We're 2 years into the curacy now and it has flown.

"but the incumbent could maybe pay it now " -

incumbents only get paid a small amount more than curates, so I don't know where an incumbent finds £700 either!

However, glad that your boss is sorting it out for you. This woman has put several people in difficult positions.

Thanks - I am glad that we're not the only ones thinking this was not on. Don't know yet what's going to happen, but it has been a wake up call for us. Our incumbent was very good when dh told him - it was a difficult one for dh on his first week, but this lady apparently always paints the house for the curate, so I felt he had to say something in case past curates have been in a similar position and felt compelled to pay as they are the new ones etc and they are reluctant to rock the boat. We would never have expected the incumbent to pay as we know financially he would not be much better off, but if she does want us to pay she will have to have it in installments, which will prob mean we will be paying for it for much of his curacy.

I have found moving here hard and I have just come back from our first sunday morining service (dh has 4 churches and he went to a different one - we were advised that the church we went to was the best in terms of having lots of young ones). However, it was very different churchmanship wise to what we are used to. I know we will get used to it but I am finding it hard at the moment and feel I could really do with a service that feeds me at the mo, and its not happening. This woman goes to one of the other churches, so I haven't seen her since the bill, which I have to say is a relief right now.

Sorry for the moan.

Cheesy, I really do empathise with you here. I found moving to our curacy incredibly tough in terms of churchmanship - it was totally different to what I was used to, and just felt flat and in no way 'fed' me. Yet I knew God was calling us here. In so many ways has he reinforced this over the last couple of years - in small ways but significant - he really has increased my faith through some difficult times. I have had to find ways of getting what I need despite church - I found a local house of prayer which has been incredible, and also found that my own daily prayer times have been so necessary, I have come to God more thirsty than ever before and this has resulted in feeling closer to him through these times. Is there a local church with an evening service you could get to on occasion, with a churchmanship more suited to you? If you want to talk more about this please do CAT me - I really do feel for you through what you are saying - meantime, I will pray for you.

Yes sorry I didn't really mean that the incumbent would be in a position to pay this out of his own pocket, more that he might make arrangements with the PCC to fund this or make a loan to the curate. I know incumbents don't have deep pockets either! (Been there, done that, got a fulltime job to make it work...)

I'm sorry that the church there isn't feeling very nourishing at the moment. That was something we were warned about when leaving college - that you've been in a close and supportive environment (hopefully...) for the past 2 or 3 years, and suddenly you're out there in a new place, with everyone recognising you, but not knowing them, having to "fit in" with something that quite likely isn't a church you'd have chosen for yourself.

TBH I don't know of anything I can say to make it easier, except as madhairday puts it to try to get what you need in spite of the church, rather than always because of it.

Thanks madhairlady and amuminscotland. I have made moves today to get some spiritual direction from a place that i know would feed me and I will persevere. All the people I have met in church have been lovely and very welcoming, which has been great. Up until a few days ago, I was feeling like I had settled in, so this was just a bit of a knock back - life in parish will have many of these i imagine. Sometimes, as madhair lady has asuggested, the times when I have felt farthest from God have resulted in a real deepening of my relationship with him, so I know and trust that I will be ok. Thanks again for your kind words and prayers, they really do mean a great deal

Oh gosh! As a paid-up member of the laity and a friend-from-outside-the-parish-to-let-off-steam-to for a couple of clergy wives can I say a big,big 'sorry' for the rubbish you guys have to put up with. Maybe this thread should be serialised in the Church Times so folk know what it's REALLY like at the Vicarage! x

Just bumping this as it's been a while - how is everyone?
We are thinking about the next stage now as it may be next summer we have to move to dh's first incumbency. I am very nervous about this as I have settled so well in the curacy and quite frankly don't want to move - we've started up lots of stuff here and I don't want to leave it behind. :( So feeling a little unsure about the future right now. However it could also be 2 years away - we just don't know yet. I guess I'm used to uncertainty and to moving but it doesn't get easier - also becuase the dc are that bit older and it will be difficult for them this time round. Esp dd who is nearly ten.
Just had a brilliant week at New wine though - reminded of why we are doing this. awesome stuff going on.
Hope you are all getting on ok.

Yikes! cheesypopfan That is completely out of order - glad you got it sorted!

Hello everyone, I have just remembered this thread and thought a post may be in order.

Hello MadHairDay - Prayers for you and your family as you consider DH's next post. It's a nerve wracking time.

Hope everyone else is well.