If you don't go to church, why not?

[ilovejonty]

Is it because you don't have a faith/ belief in God?

Or:

Other reason - for example, never been, don't feel the need, intimidating, you are too busy etc...?

If you would like to go to church but don't, what would encourage you and what would put you off?

MP, I disagree with you that there's nothing to take the place of a dying-out tradition of church life. As with our economy, our over-reliance on landfill, and so many other aspects of our way of life which we've previously relied on and are now found to be wanting or even harmful, church life, or rather, the life of people of faith, is changing. We are in a time of transition and I for one am excited to see what comes out of it.

What do you think will take its place MrsMT?

I really want to go to church more. Here's why I don't;
We've recently moved and so I don't know our local church or anyone who goes. I am in a mixed faith marriage so would have to go on my own. I'd like to take DS (7 months) but I just don't know if I am brave enough to go to a new church on my own with a baby who might cry (and who I couldn't palm off onto DH to take outside). I'm worried people won't be friendly...

I don't know, MP! I suspect a rehash of the old 'house church' idea, which will then take a similarish historical path to its predecessor.

Maybe some creative bods out there will come up with something less vulnerable to human foibles. Thing is, you'd have to then keep all the humans out .

What would your ideal be in a church? Mine would be very small - maybe 30 - 50 people. I should give this more thought and post more later.

Blame it - if I were you I'd just go, and decide what they're like once you've actually met them.

dh is a Baptist Minister, so we kind-of have no choice (much to ds1's disgust atm )

I see so much 'good' in the church, and so much community and a sense of supporting other people who are in need or lonely.

It is very hard to find that kind of support in most parts of the UK at the moment. It's like on mumsnet at most clubs or pubs or organisations if someone stops attending, they are often not missed or no-one checks up on them. At our church (not all I admit) this wouldn't happen.

No-one was alone on Christmas Day, unless they chose to be.

I don't see anything in the UK that is taking the place of this sort of sense of community.

I'm not saying churches are perfect, of course they are not. But there is a real sense of helping and supporting each other, even if you don't particularly like them, or even if they may not be able to do anything for you in return.

The Baptist church is leading the way as far as community outreach is concerned

I stopped going because church was full of old judgemental buggers who tutted at my children a lot, and the vicar is very anti-working mothers and did a spectacularly crap sermon and the school Easter service on how we were all working just to buy expensive consumer goods for our offspring and neglecting our children's well being. Nobody goes now who is under the age of about 70.

Roisin, community is the first thing I would expect from a church, and the one thing lacking from my last church. I've just come out from the most stressful and traumatic period of my life (during which time I left my church) and not one person (including someone who had repeatedly talked about the importance of her role as our homegroup leader) could be arsed to make even a phone call.

To give you an indication of what I mean by 'stressful', one of the more stressful (but not the most stressful) events I experienced was the death of my father. Would've been nice to get a card from someone, perhaps? Nada.

My other friends outside this church, however, both believers and unbelievers, have been wonderful.

I had an absolutely horrific m/c once, and the whole village knew about it, yet the church were entirely silent during that time. Not a phone call, not an offer of help, not a card or a prayer (as far as I am aware), nothing.

Similarly when I nearly died from pneumonia whilst DH was trying to hold down a new job a long commute away, and care for our two small children single-handedly they didn't want to know then either.

Says it all.

I don't go cos I'm an atheist.

I grew up in a very Christian family - sunday school every week, then youth fellowship and Christian union - I loved it, it was like extended family and most of my social life!

So coming to the realization that it was all founded on delusion was a bit of a bummer! I rather wish the concept in 'A Brave New World' of the Arch Community Songster of Canterbury was reality by now.

I am a Christian but I rarely go (am known to Minister and do when I can however)

I don't go regularly becuase DH has to work Sunday nights so is aslepp, and I have 4 chidlren 2 with SN so would disrupt entire service.

I would love the option of a reflective /Buible study / Prayer type group with a creche for ds4 when boys in school, but elderly Vicar not really up on that side of it all. There's a Church run toddler group at the next Parish I qwant to attend but feel a bit unable as my Rep goes before me (or rather ds1's) in this place.

Bit late coming back in with this but it's for CountingtheFlocks who said: "Jesus didn't align himself with "holy" people. Quite the reverse, he aligned himself with the crooks, the maligned, the outcasts. He positively welcomed sinners!!"

I can quite understand Jesus wanting to align himself with such people and show them the error of their ways. What I DON'T understand is the bad behaviour of people in church who already thorougly know the teachings of Jesus and the right way to behave, and yet choose not to do so. There's your hypocrisy, I believe.

I don't go because there is no church of my denomination nearby; it is two bus rides away, and buses don't start running early enough for me to get there on time.

I also don't go because I don't think I could live a Christian life; I feel tired just getting through what I have to do, and am just not 'good' enough to attempt anything further in the near future. Maybe I'll go when the kids have grown up. We go to carols etc, but I do feel my children are missing out culturally by not being more familiar with Christianity.

I do feel sorry for old people, who often go to churches with dwindling young populations, as I feel church is one of the few ways we get to interact with old people in the community.

MillyR, why is the denomination so important to you?

Also re your comment on being 'good' enough - that's kind of the point! Not one of us is ever 'good enough' (though of course some people would have you believe that they were !). Or maybe you've not expressed your thoughts clearly here...?

Curly, I know what you mean...although I'm far from a stellar example of godliness I do sometimes look at others and ask myself why are they the way they are? Although perhaps in part the answer is the same as the reason why I'm not 'a stellar example of godliness' (is it allowed to quote oneself on MN?!).

Denomination is important to me because I was brought up in 2 churches; i would go to each one on alternate weeks. I also have extended family of different denominations so I am familiar with others as well. Because of this I am very sure of which denomination would be right for me. Also, if I went to my nearest church just to try it, and went for a while and then stopped going because it wasn't right and I preferred the further away church still, I would feel bad about letting down members of the congregation. I feel congregations usually make loads of effort to welcome in new members (young families especially) and I would hate to leave them feeling let down.

The good enough thing is that I feel that one of the main reasons (for me) to go to a church would be to spend time thinking about how to be a better type of person. I am not making out that Christians are better people, but they are trying to be better, and I feel as I haven't got the time to even try. I am quite embarrassed to write that! Maybe I would have more time if got off MN.

Also, I think it would be odd for my son who is 10, to start going to church. I suppose I should talk to him about it. Or leave him at home with his Dad and just take my daughter.

The probable solution would be for me to go during my lunch hour at work, as I work in a city and there are churches near work, but live in a rural area.

The thing is, about your denomination issue, it depends what you're after from a church. If you just want to attend but not interact, then fine. However if the community aspect is essential, you might be shooting yourself in the foot. It's not the denomination that determines quality of community life (though I have little experience of baptist churches - see above), but the unique group of people at each church.

That's really awful about the lack of support you received MrsMerryHenry and Boffin. Yet more examples of where the churches are really failing .

Hi again Curly - people who attend church are just human - failing like everyone else though aren't they? Same as the priests. I don't think anyone I can think of in my congregation pretends to be better than anyone else. I understand the hypocrisy if they do that - but just because you go to church doesn't make you any better than anyone else in my view.

To take a personal example; my father never set foot inside a church after the age of 14 and yet probably most people who knew him would describe him as ten times more "holy" (for want of a better description ie kind, tolerant, generous, selfless, considerate of others) than my mother who is a daily communicant. To take the argument further - which of them needed to be in church more?

So yes, you probably should behave better if you go to Church and practice Christianity but it doesn't necessarily mean you do. People are usually just trying to improve themselves but are all at different stages of the journey and regular church-goers are jsut as full of doubts and failings like everyone else.

Interesting point from Morning Paper about what will replace failing churches. I think there is a yawning gap - a real need that is not being filled - tha tmakes the churches failures so much more appalling imo.

Speaking about my own church (RC) the hierachy should have been willing to devolve power down to congregations and given women much more responsibility and not have left it to a dwindling number of elderly priests to carry all the responsibility and the control until it has now come crashing down around their feet and there is no one left to replace them. Things needed to start to change radically 30 years ago and now I fear it is far too late ...

Sorry for rant. Essay over!

It's funny, I have just been on another thread discussing about how certain women continually get overlooked in tax and social policy, and it sounds a bit like what we are saying here about religion.

There are so many of us!! How could this be??

Thanks for your reply CountingtheFlocks - you have explained your thoughts very well! Can see where you're coming from. Usually I end up getting so riled when Christians try to get me to see their point of view cos they just seem so self-righteous and there is usually no substance to their argument.

Aye Curly - one thing worse than ordinary smuggery - is "I'm a Christian" smuggery ...

It's the perfect opportunity Boffin to set up the Church of Latter Day Mumsnetters ...!!

Women and children only.
Greggs sausage rolls and fruit shoots supplied free, to eat during sermon.
Sermon to consist of relevant topics only ie breast v bottle, wohm v sahm, conditional v non-conditional parenting

I might go and run up a few vestments now ... what do you reckon ... something based on a Boden wrap-over dress with LK Bennett kitten heels topped with a "holy grail" funnel neck wool coat ...?

Please send proceeds of all collections to:
Countingtheflocksbynight, NumptieNork Vicarage, somewhere in Europe...

I am up for that.
Can we make the blokes do the flowers??

Oh yes and to mop the aisles, clean lavs and serve drinks ...

I am a vegetarian. Will there be a Gregg's cheese and onion pasty, or would that cause a schism?

... not to mention the washing of feet ...

OK then but no quiches/cliques allowed MillyR

.... do you know, I'm really beginning to like this idea ...in all seriousness ...the men have had it their own way for centuries ...

a women-only fellowship .... mmmmmmmmm