Should my por n addict Christian husband continue preaching?

[Snooozley]

M husband is devout Christian preacher, but i inadvertently found out about his secret por n addiction, virtual sex with cam girls and huge debts on two secret credit cards... He brushes it off with being a sinner and Jesus forgives his sin... He has been defrauding our joint bank account for months. At same time he preaches in church. He isn't a pastor, so it's just the odd sermon.

I challenged him how he could preach in pulpit whilst knowingly lying to his wife and stealing and committing virtual adultery. First he has blamed me and then the devil for his por n addiction... He negated The ten commandments, thou shalt not steal and thou shalt not commit adultery. He also negates the part in New testament about lust and adultery. He claims old testament superseded by new and Paul was a person conflicted by sexual immorality. He also went as far to say that John Wesley had sexual sin... In his deflecting and gas lighting I feel he is also being abusive to me... But I know he is doing this to deflect from his guilt.I

I've been a bit broken for the last six weeks, but am 're emerging with help of my faith. I know my husband is lying to himself. What's worse he keeps preaching to me.. Said something about woman at well bible story... Tell me I'm not crazy, that my husband is manipulating the bible to suit his selfish needs...even if he has stopped por n use, he is not the man I thought he was... And that's shocking

"Paul was a person conflicted by sexual immorality"? Read the bible and you'll find that your husband is making things up to justify his behaviour. Besides Jesus himself, Paul was one of the foremost teachers in the bible on abstention from sexual immorality!

I asked Snoozle because upthread you told us your husband had told someone connected to his ‘church’ re his addiction and tat they ‘accepted’ it - that really is so wrong on many levels

I divorced my husband for a similar thing. We’re not religious so there wasn’t that complication. I found Relate helpful as I could speak to a relationship counsellor on my own (by phone) to get a professional perspective, which helped. Im now happily married to a lovely man who is the love of my life. Good luck OP. Don’t put up with this behaviour. X

Addiction and preaching are incompatible. Please tell your minister.

Addiction is one thing, using the Bible to justify it and not realising you've got a problem is a whole different ball game. 'Christianity' is a very broad term, it would be handy to know exactly what sort of organisation you are part of.

No - it is exactly what the OP described her OH as doing and saying.

@Mischance You were implying that all Christians have this mind set, hence the stereotyping. I've never said either of those things.

Grim and everything that puts me off me religion.

Self righteous men (and they’re always men!) who are complete hypocrites.

Imagine having the utter gall to preach anything to anybody while supporting such an exploitative industry for your own wanking pleasure.

Repulsive.

You definitely need to tell the minister because at the moment he iss not safe to be preaching. Hopefully they will deal with it, stop your DH preaching and support you. Sadly this can’t be guaranteed. Addicts are experts at fooling themselves and others. I’ve seen ministers support the man/abuser and turn on the wife/victim. If this happens then please know this isn’t your fault and is the consequence of addiction (and sin).

Yes, I think your husband should stop preaching. He ought to lead by example, and he's also being hypocritical if he's doing one thing during the week and telling the congregation to do another on a Sunday - no matter how much he justifies it.

We don't know exactly what Paul struggled with - what his 'thorn in the side' was. Speculation was that he had eyesight issues ('see my big handwriting' in one of his letters) or that he was homosexual, or epileptic....any number of things. For your husband to try and justify his actions because Paul struggled with the same thing is conjecture at best and outright wrong at worst.

You don't need to be a theologian to know that what your husband is doing in negating bits of the Bible to try to justify things is wrong. As you yourself said - he's doing it because he's feeling guilty. You know that.

Look at Galatians 5: 'The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.' Does your husband show those things? Is he living a Christlike life - or at least trying to (we're none of us perfect!!).

Does he truly want to try and address this? Would he give you control of his finances and let you sign up to a web browser that would block porn sites? How much is he willing to do to try and get over this?

I think at the very least the minister / pastor of the church needs to know. At the moment there's no accountability, and that's not helping. If your husband wants to try and get over this, he needs someone who knows what's going on, that he can be honest with and accountable to. At the moment YOU know, but your husband's trying to justify his actions to you and not doing anything about it.
What the minister then does is up to him. He might not make it public, but just remove your husband quietly from leadership, or it might be a 'thing' and the church know about it. But I reckon the minister does need to know - for pastoral reasons, if nothing else. What if one of the congregation came to your husband with a similar issue and wanted help with it? He wouldn't be in a position to help really.

We don't know exactly what Paul struggled with - what his 'thorn in the side' was

We do actually, he was a 4ft 6inch tall hunchback. He had kyphosis. Kyphosis includes chronic debilitating back pain, difficulty walking, riding a horse would have been agony, degenerative spinal discs, plus all the bullying and superstition of people those days towards hunchbacks.

Hi OP, I haven't rtft, but you might want to look at this
www.restored-uk.org/
they specifically focus on supporting Christian women experiencing domestic abuse, and address the sort of crap abusive men claiming to be christiab come out with
good luck, OP

No she wasn’t.

but it is absolutely a thing that some religious people do. The OP describes a prime example

@thedancingbear I don't think you can speak for Mischance, but fair enough if that's what was meant.

I just don’t buy the whole ‘addiction’ excuse to get away with disgusting behaviour.

Just an u pdate..spoke to minister..no help... She said my expectations on a man were too high...I told her I didn't want porn in marriage... He's still a local preacher but has chosen not to preach... He spoke to her about porn too, but I don't know what he told her...she says she can't counsel us both so she is ministering to him in private and I have to speak to pastoralworker. Basically church sitting on fence.He can watch por n I guess as long as not illegal... We are temporarily separated for two months...

@Snooozley - I think your pastor is wrong -your expectations are not too high - you have not expected him to be perfect - but you have expected contrition, reforming and refraining from hypocrisy. I hope you can get support to become financially independent. sending you prayers for strength and good wishes.
May God bless you for your calmness and patience.

You are right.. I think my church are very wishy washy about these matters, but he shouldn't be allowed to preach... A leader has to be to a higher standard otherwise he's a hypocrite... God has answered prayers in some ways but not the way I expected... I have prayed daily for guidance, sometimes just to get through day. Shortly after I wrote the post I was barely functioning...He was blameshifting, all my fault for not giving him sex, was minimising and invalidating my feelings.. Complete denial and lack of accountability and twisting everything round to him being victim... Even said I was bullying him every time I asked him if stopped porn... Or mentioned the huge debt ... He even went on to defend por n as empowering women and young girls do sexcamming to pay for studies at uni.... Made me sick... At end of September he went to his brothers to give me respite for two weeks but he didn't come back... He's now in lodgings and supposedly trying to quit the addiction... Meanwhile I have got the job of my dreams... Working from home .. I don't earn enough to be totally self sufficient but later next spring it turns to four days per week from three days ... So I'm going to start saving for my escape plan...

Thank you... I had an insightful conversation with my g p... Much more happened between us after D day.. Basically said he was being manipulative and I was in no way to blame... I realise now he was gaslighting... I also recently did course on consent... I have been sexually harassed and he was coercive... Although I never agreed to sex and wouldn't let him near me, because of his whinging and pressure, I felt guilty and to blame for him acting out... Now I realise it's a subtle form of sexual abuse and I suffered emotional abuse from his blame shifting and dismissal and invalidation of my feelngs. I'm going to counselling next week.. We're not living together now.

So good to hear about your job - congratulations! I’m glad to hear you are getting proper support. He certainly sounds abusive and coercive. It is sick that he tries to justify it - saying that it ‘empowers’ women. Maybe he also is generous with his money to prostitutes/sex workers - Consider getting a sexual health screen just in case. You are far better off without him.

Congratulations, @Snooozley

Unfortunately even with genuine faith, people can still be abusive. 'None so blind as those that will not see (their own failings)' and all that!

I'm so glad you have found your path out, and sorry the pastor has been so ineffectual.

If yours is an established church with a hierarchy of some kind, there will be a safeguarding department somewhere.

You should alert them to your situation, and your pastor's response, and that she is now counselling him. That is risky in many ways. Hopefully she is getting supervision somewhere.

Well done for your discernment and determination. It's not easy.

Your OH sounds vile OP.
A porn addict, but even worse a hypocrite.

I dunno, speakout. I find most people are hypocrites.
It's not an accusation I ever make, because I realise I probably have blind spots myself!

I'd call being hypocritical part of the human condition, whereas porn is an active choice.

This is not said lightly, I think you may need to find an alternative church. There is no way a female minister should be sole working in private with a male member of the church with a known issue with porn. It is really bad pastoral practice. A mature church should be on board with a domestic abuse policy. Pestering a spouse into sex they do not want is domestic abuse. It is not your fault. If your church is part of a denomination it might be worth contacting the person with responsibility for domestic abuse. In many denominations the behaviour you have endured would be a good reason to require a man to cease holding leadership responsibilities and measures put in place to protect them, as the known weaker brother , so they have less opportunity to give way to temptation and hurt someone else. Sadly he is not the godly example of oversight required by Titus 1. I have trained at a theological seminary and I am married to a priest. Your husband has been seriously twisting scripture out of context to justify treating you as an owned object and not a an equal subject and heir of Gods kingdom. May God bless you and help you as you continue to take the next steps.

But this is more serious.
Yes people may not live up to their own standards sometimes- but this guy is preaching morality, telling others how to live.

That's the difference. Yes many of us may be hippocrites but we are not putting ourselves up there as a moral leader.