Should my por n addict Christian husband continue preaching?

[Snooozley]

M husband is devout Christian preacher, but i inadvertently found out about his secret por n addiction, virtual sex with cam girls and huge debts on two secret credit cards... He brushes it off with being a sinner and Jesus forgives his sin... He has been defrauding our joint bank account for months. At same time he preaches in church. He isn't a pastor, so it's just the odd sermon.

I challenged him how he could preach in pulpit whilst knowingly lying to his wife and stealing and committing virtual adultery. First he has blamed me and then the devil for his por n addiction... He negated The ten commandments, thou shalt not steal and thou shalt not commit adultery. He also negates the part in New testament about lust and adultery. He claims old testament superseded by new and Paul was a person conflicted by sexual immorality. He also went as far to say that John Wesley had sexual sin... In his deflecting and gas lighting I feel he is also being abusive to me... But I know he is doing this to deflect from his guilt.I

I've been a bit broken for the last six weeks, but am 're emerging with help of my faith. I know my husband is lying to himself. What's worse he keeps preaching to me.. Said something about woman at well bible story... Tell me I'm not crazy, that my husband is manipulating the bible to suit his selfish needs...even if he has stopped por n use, he is not the man I thought he was... And that's shocking

Men like your husband revolt me. I remember an old friend's dad had a full exorcism at the front of the church. 'Out out demon of lust!' You couldn't make it up.

Yes he wasn't just a slimy middle aged man wetting his wick. He was a poor fella being steered by the devil himself 🙄 Useful excuse.

Your husband is a liar and a hypocrite. People are complicated. We do dumb things all the time. Mostly, we try to do better and people of faith turn to God for strength and guidance.

What they DON'T do is carry on and turn to religious texts to justify their revolting behaviour. They don't gaslight their own wife that them using cam girls is part of some divine plan. They don't preach to others about how to live.

Make a plan to leave, then talk to your pastor. If your pastor is as useless as your husband, leave both of them and get on with your life. No more gaslighting. Shut it down in a second.

Sadly, I know of quite a few Christians who are masters at being deceitful. Whether they kid themselves and believe that it’s not their fault, but the devils and in this case your fault too.
What an awful time you’re going through. I would ask him to get help at church. Be accountable to someone else. It would be good if you sought help at church too.
My dh had an affair and I think one of the first people I called with the vicars wife as I was in such despair with women tiny dc. The vicar and his wife helped. He needs to hear it is unacceptable from someone else that he respects. He needs to know the blame lies at his feet and he truly does need help
& repent. All the best.

That is stereotypical rubbish.

From OP: he could lose everything.. not sure I want to be responsible for that

He could lose everything because HE decided to become a porn-addled liar and adulterer while gaslighting his wife. All his actions and choices, not yours. You aren’t responsible for any consequences of his actions.

I hope your faith brings you strength as you go through this.

@SquirrelSoShiny Where in the world did your old friend's dad go to church?! And which church do you attend OP? It's very strange that they were ok with porn.

Tell you minister but don’t get suckered into forgiving him

@Hopeandlove Forgiveness should not involve becoming a door mat.

he is preaching to me things that don't align with my version of Christianity, it makes me very confused.

What sort of things is he telling you? And the suicide thing is most probably emotional manipulation, don't fall for it.

He negated The ten commandments, thou shalt not steal and thou shalt not commit adultery

Using money from a joint account that you jointly own isn’t stealing.
Watching porn is not adultery

Yes he’s mis-using the Bible to justify himself, but so are you. He’s not committed a cardinal sin. You also usually cannot compel him to confess his sins to a pastor as that is between him and God, most Protestant churches do not require formal confession to confess sins and seek forgiveness. The ones I know of that do, it’s only required for women as instructed by their male guardians- the men are usually exempt. It’s most often optional to confess to a pastor. I don’t think you should tell your pastor imho, as you have said he has a porn addiction, and I think because of the way most churches are, you will be viewed as contaminated by his sinfulness and find yourself ostracised and pitied. I know you think you telling the pastor would be held in confidence, but it won’t. Gossip will spread. So I’d be very hesitant to go down that road in your shoes especially if your church community is important to you.

If he is addicted as you say, then he needs the support an addict needs to quit. If you plan to help him that is. You’re perfectly free to divorce him and I wouldn’t blame you if you did. But honestly, he’s not a thief or an adulterer. He’s just a sad, pathetic porn addict.

As for whether he should preach as a lay person, no issues. He’s not a pastor for one, and secondly everyone’s a sinner and a porn addiction isnt that uncommon nor terrible on the list of sins.

^^^

This

He's been dishonest and won't take responsibility. On those two counts alone, I'd be out of the door. You will not be able to trust him again.

he could lose everything.. not sure I want to be responsible for that.

Obviously the fault lies with him but I'm not sure I'd want to be responsible for colluding with him in this. He's in a position of trust and only you know what he's really like. People make themselves vulnerable to men like him. Too often there is a woman close to him who knows exactly what he's like but doesn't want to spill the beans because it would upset her own life too much. In this way men have got away with sexual assaults that otherwise they wouldn't have had the opportunity to carry out because they would have been stripped off the position that allowed them to carry it out.

The Bible says to go to the elders in situations like this. I don't know how you can trust blindly if you're not doing what's required of you.

My DH is a porn addict. I have control over our finances, so at least that has been put to rest. Apart from that parenthesis in our lives were a very good match and live a lovely family life. We spent a bit of time apart and that helped me see our relationship still has a future.

Read 1 John 3: 6-10 to your husband, hopefully it will sober him up. The Gentiles (non-Jews) were also instructed not to get involved with sexual immorality. Pornography, web cam girls and adultery would most definitely fall under this category.

...and what has John Wesley got to do with any of this? Weird example.

Vincitveritas..thank you.. I didn't know that's the passage I think of.. I really try to live my faith..I kind of thought preachers would be of that mindset too... After all that's the general message.

I've no idea..I think the general gist is that many leaders who are male struggle with temptation, even apostle paul.... But I don't know background on Paul or wesley

Hi namechangefail... Thanks for your input.. How long was it before you felt you could trust again? This is my biggest hurdle to overcome... Did your partner seek treatment for the addiction? Apparently it can take at least a year of total sobriety for an addicts brain to recover... Some experts say that true addiction alters neural pathways in brain..the highs with dopamine hits for por n use mean literally stopping is really hard..like proper withdrawal symptoms from drug. This explains the illogical reasoning of my partner..until that's addressed in therapy I can't see us getting anywhere but I do remember before full disclosure few weeks ago, I was happy.. Even if it was false reality...

You are a victim of religious abuse as well as emotional, financial, and psychological abuse.

You need to get past any qualms you have about divorce, hire a solicitor, and begin proceedings to untie yourself from this adulterer.

It may turn out to be the kick in the ass he needs to reform his life.

Snooozley, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I have seen a number of Christian marriages destroyed as a result of this issue not being managed well. I have also seen it dealt with well and families restored.

The issue as to whether or not your husband should be preaching, is obviously a no. But, that is a matter for him and the Pastor / Priest. Your priority is your family.

Please do get support. If he won't, you still can. Nakedtruthrecovery.com are excellent.

What ‘religion’ is it that accepts the use of pornography - cui bono

Hi coffee in the clouds..I'll check out the site..thank you... There's little support for spouses..plenty for the addict... And it's early days for me too... On a positive note there's a new level of honesty in our relationship we didn't have before...

Eveoha..I don't think any religion would support pornography... Because in Christianity we should be concerned about others too...their spiritual and mental and physical welfare.. The sex workers who've been trafficked or abused ... Loving our neighbour means we shouldn't in my view be encouraging an industry which exploits others who might be vulnerable... So it's not just the infidelity it's the whole ethics of the por n industry ....

As soon as you get a new job @Snooozley, go to the pastor and tell him everything.

The faith of the congregation will be shaken more by a cover up or an attempt to keep your stbx husband's reputation intact than by the revelations the church should make about why he is being made to cease his ministry.

Protecting individuals whose morals are in the gutter is what causes a congregation to turn away, not the conduct of the individual himself.

My DH did go to therapy, but quite frankly it think she was the wrong therapist for him. He's doing OK now (or so he says) but to me as the main thing has always been about the £££ (and now that is under control) I can get on with our lives.

This is probably a good place for you to start, it is a short webinar series. There is a charge, but it is pay how much you can afford, and totally free if you need it to be:

www.nakedtruth.training/betrayal-trauma-basics

Praying for you all x