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Original poster

Should my por n addict Christian husband continue preaching?

107 replies

Snooozley · 11/09/2022 12:59

M husband is devout Christian preacher, but i inadvertently found out about his secret por n addiction, virtual sex with cam girls and huge debts on two secret credit cards... He brushes it off with being a sinner and Jesus forgives his sin... He has been defrauding our joint bank account for months. At same time he preaches in church. He isn't a pastor, so it's just the odd sermon.

I challenged him how he could preach in pulpit whilst knowingly lying to his wife and stealing and committing virtual adultery. First he has blamed me and then the devil for his por n addiction... He negated The ten commandments, thou shalt not steal and thou shalt not commit adultery. He also negates the part in New testament about lust and adultery. He claims old testament superseded by new and Paul was a person conflicted by sexual immorality. He also went as far to say that John Wesley had sexual sin... In his deflecting and gas lighting I feel he is also being abusive to me... But I know he is doing this to deflect from his guilt.I

I've been a bit broken for the last six weeks, but am 're emerging with help of my faith. I know my husband is lying to himself. What's worse he keeps preaching to me.. Said something about woman at well bible story... Tell me I'm not crazy, that my husband is manipulating the bible to suit his selfish needs...even if he has stopped por n use, he is not the man I thought he was... And that's shocking

OP posts:
SkygardenTower · 11/09/2022 14:44

He is counting on you protecting him so he can keep going. You will find he also makes any move you do to increase independence harder to keep you tied to him.

Soon leaving him will become a distant dream and harder than ever.

You have the motivation and anger now, use this and start the process of separation.

Vincitveritas · 11/09/2022 14:44

If he can't lead by example then he needs to step down. If he won't do this voluntarily then you need to speak with the church leaders and make it happen. The new covenant may have done away with rabbinical law but that does not give people like your husband carte blanche to do what they like. Saint Paul sums up the old law by saying, "The entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Your husband is certainly not following this command and it would be hypocritical of him to continue preaching.

Wisenotboring · 11/09/2022 14:45

You poor thing. The way your husband is treating you sounds like spiritual abuse. The forgiveness teachings are not a free pass to act like sin doesn't matter. Also, forgiveness comes as a response to repentance. Repentance is more than saying sorry; it's acknowledging your sin and doing your best to turn away from it. It doesn't sound like your husband is doing any of these things. I suggest you speak to the elder/pastor/vicar of your church and tell them.what has been going on. Hopefully, you will get a suitable response and your husband will.be asked to step back while he deals with the everything. I hope you are also supported and not expected to act as an apologist for him. The biblical teaching is clear here. You have a responsibility to take this to the vicar as your husband has not responded to your initial, private 121 confrontation. All the best!

OldTinHat · 11/09/2022 14:46

If it's a joint account, how is it stealing or defrauding??

Namenic · 11/09/2022 14:47

OP - I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is not your fault. Will pray to you for wisdom and strength. It is not wrong to split due to this, nor to forgive (if you feel he can be honest and have truly changed).

picklemewalnuts · 11/09/2022 14:51

Your minister or an elder needs to know- they will then decide how to proceed.
He isn't able to preach honestly while he isn't facing his own failings.

It's likely to end your marriage. Do you want to stay married, though?

MetalScrews · 11/09/2022 14:55

I think it's time you had a chat with your pastor. It's just a matter of 'sin and Jesus forgives sin', then he won't mind you telling your church leader!

Dotcheck · 11/09/2022 14:57

He’s not an addict- he’s just another dirty old man. His use of cam girls is disgusting. Men who do this find whatever the have in their arsenal to shift blame/ gaslight. Your husband is no different.
If he is in a position where he is giving counsel, then please discuss this with your minister as your husband is not fit for that purpose

Hopeandlove · 11/09/2022 14:58

He is not a good man and it is not acceptable.
my ex blamed religion for his weakness as he was ‘just a man’. It is shirking accountability. Tell you minister but don’t get suckered into forgiving him

Original poster
Snooozley · 11/09/2022 15:00

So my first priority is mine and kids safety.. I've been suffering from acute anxiety for several weeks and the depression is lifting... I've felt so confused I couldn't function but have support from gp... I don't recognise my husband now I know truth... But I suspect there is more to know but I don't need to know more... My husband has mentioned suicide... GP knows about this.. but I've not been able to speak to anyone... Our church is pretty reserved about talking about real issues.. he told minister once he watched porn and they were ok with it.. so he thinks it's ok.

It's been confusing.. the reason I posted it because as a preacher he is pretty good, so now in our home when he is preaching to me things that don't align with my version of Christianity, it makes me very confused... I am not a theologian but I think he is manipulating Bible to make himself feel better...

OP posts:
Original poster
Snooozley · 11/09/2022 15:06

Do I want to stay married??? Only if I get my old husband back... But he needs deprogramming... Love is complicated... I loved the man I thought he was for thirty years, now in six weeks I've been presented with a different version.. reality... That's hard if there is enough of him left in there.

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Namenic · 11/09/2022 15:06

OP - I think it is a red flag if he is preaching to you. If he was repentant, he would be answering your questions, being patient with your emotions (that he is the cause of) and putting you first.

InsertPunHere · 11/09/2022 15:06

Talk to your pastor - don't try and "protect" your husband's reputation. That makes you complicit in hiding his dishonestly and hypocrisy. HE did this you you and your children, not you. You deserve emotional and spiritual support from your pastor.

He won't stop and he won't change, not until he absolutely has to. Ask him to leave the family home while you are getting yourself sorted. It's not fair for him to carry on like this. You deserve respect.

Original poster
Snooozley · 11/09/2022 15:08

I do know God has fuller picture though so at moment it's trust in Christ to guide me... In decisions. Etc. Not leaning on my husband, leaning on my faith.

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WombatChocolate · 11/09/2022 15:09

I’d speak to your Pastor. Do you know, he will have heard it all before. It’s part of his job.

Id tell your DH you’re going to speak to the Pastor about it and then do it.

Someone who preaches doesn’t need to be perfect (no-one is) but it will be a requirement that they have integrity and are able to be honest about anything major in their life. As the wife of the preacher, I really think it’s your duty to seek help on this. Keeping it private to yourself isn’t doing him or yourself a favour. The Pastor won’t be blabbing it about. In all liklihood it might not get shared with anyone else or perhaps one or two people who absolutely know these things don’t get widely talked about. It is unlikely he will go face a public loss of reputation.

In our Church, full of humans who are frail and open to the usual temptations as anyone else, of course everything you can imagine has happened. The Pastor and elders expect to hear about all kinds of things going and to help people with their issues however shocking you might think they are. This is what Church family does.

The question for yourself is about your relationship with your DH. You care clearly and understandably struggling with this. Keeping it all to yourself, regardless of his public role isn’t probably helping you. You’ve 2 issues to deal with;

  1. Your marriage and it’s future, some external help will probably be useful.
  2. His role in the Church as preacher - you really need to pass this one onto the Pastor for them to deal with. Trust them on this. Trust them to know what to do, to be both sensible and sensitive and to offer help to your DH.
In all this, it will be up to your DH ultimately whether he accepts help from those outside to address these issues or if he wants to.
ForTheLoveOfSleep · 11/09/2022 15:09

Yeah he'll be fine. It's not unusual for Preachers, priests and the like to be perverts.

Original poster
Snooozley · 11/09/2022 15:09

Yes, many red flags sadly... Agree.

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Mischance · 11/09/2022 15:10

Ah - the Christian cop-outs in action.

"I can sin to my heart's content because god forgives me."
"It is not me, it is the devil who is leading me astray."

He is not someone to be married to frankly and the sooner you get yourself out of this the better.

Original poster
Snooozley · 11/09/2022 15:15

Well the minister is also my boss..I work in a church, but not for much longer as I need a well paid job with more hours now to support myself... It's been hard not to say anything, just because I've felt mentally unwell with it.. no one to talk to... Except gp and waiting for counselling .. I know ministers deal with all sorts.. in a way it could help him but he could lose everything.. not sure I want to be responsible for that.

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Takingturnstogether · 11/09/2022 15:17

It would be him who would be responsible for his losing everything though, not you.

SkygardenTower · 11/09/2022 15:18

But with you keeping his secret you are enabling him. He will continue to deny he is doing anything wrong.

AsterixInEngland · 11/09/2022 15:19

the reason I posted it because as a preacher he is pretty good, so now in our home when he is preaching to me things that don't align with my version of Christianity, it makes me very confused...

Thats what abuse and gaslighting is @Snooozley
And unfortunately many men in the church do what you are describing - bending the teachings to fit themselves.

And I agree that’s the worst part. Because now you can’t trust him either on a personal level as a husband nor as a preacher and the holder of your theological values.

As you said, protect yourself and the dcs first. Find a job and ignore his sermons at home. He us in no place to carry on doing that at home.
Once you are safe/have a job, leave.
Review if it might be worth involving the minister, for his own sake.
And then put distance between you. I’d find another church to attend rather the one he is preaching at.

nomoreflyingfucks · 11/09/2022 15:20

I thought Christians did the whole freewill thing? In which case he is exercising his free will. As a Christian presumably he'll be judged at the pearly gates and it's between and the gate keeper if he'll be allowed in, or sent to shovel coals.

In the meantime, you have your freewill, so do what is right for you. For me this would be unacceptable so I'd be seeking legal advice, but you need to decide if you have any future with someone who is a coward, who hides behind his faith to lie, cheat, abuse and gaslight. Oh and a complete hypocrite, hmmm not many positives to him are there?

Use you faith to give you strength to do what you need to do to be happy, but don't end up with 'catholic guilt'. Remember he's a turd regardless of his belief!

AsterixInEngland · 11/09/2022 15:21

@Snooozley what do you mean he would loose everything?
Is he working fir the church too? Been housed by them? If not, the one thing he will loose is respect within the community. And it would only be fair tbh. That’s the consequence of his actions….

thedancingbear · 11/09/2022 15:22

Jesus may forgive him, OP. But you don't have to.

Cam girls? Secret credit cards? Dirty fucker. That's not porn, it's infidelity.