Should my por n addict Christian husband continue preaching?

[Snooozley]

M husband is devout Christian preacher, but i inadvertently found out about his secret por n addiction, virtual sex with cam girls and huge debts on two secret credit cards... He brushes it off with being a sinner and Jesus forgives his sin... He has been defrauding our joint bank account for months. At same time he preaches in church. He isn't a pastor, so it's just the odd sermon.

I challenged him how he could preach in pulpit whilst knowingly lying to his wife and stealing and committing virtual adultery. First he has blamed me and then the devil for his por n addiction... He negated The ten commandments, thou shalt not steal and thou shalt not commit adultery. He also negates the part in New testament about lust and adultery. He claims old testament superseded by new and Paul was a person conflicted by sexual immorality. He also went as far to say that John Wesley had sexual sin... In his deflecting and gas lighting I feel he is also being abusive to me... But I know he is doing this to deflect from his guilt.I

I've been a bit broken for the last six weeks, but am 're emerging with help of my faith. I know my husband is lying to himself. What's worse he keeps preaching to me.. Said something about woman at well bible story... Tell me I'm not crazy, that my husband is manipulating the bible to suit his selfish needs...even if he has stopped por n use, he is not the man I thought he was... And that's shocking

I'd be more concerned about still being married to him than him preaching.

I wouldn't count on him having stopped anything, he'll just hide it better now. He's obviously a liar and a hypocrite and a complete bastard for blaming his behaviour on you on top.

It's up to you what you do with that. Personally, I wouldn't be able to look at him much less live with him.

What does your pastor say?

Hi op, you're not crazy and yes your husband is manipulating the Bible to suit his own selfish ends. Putting the Christianity aspect aside, he sounds like every other man caught up to know good who is using every reason under the sun to make excuses for his bad behaviour. You deserve better than this. He is not treating you the way a loving husband should treat his wife and it does not sound as though he is taking any responsibility for his wrongdoing.

No good and I agree with butterflied* completely.

This. He won’t change - he will just be more careful about hiding it. If you choose to put up with it, that’s on you. Sorry op, this must be so painful but you have some decisions to make.

I am not bothered about what you husband does. (Although yes for the record he is a hypocritical horror.)

I am concerned you protect yourself. Have you moved money to protect it? Have you seen a solicitor? If not you need to gather all your joint financials and go and see one.

I don’t know whether you would consider divorce - but you certainly need to formally separate to protect yourself and any kids you have.

Your husband is only going to get worse.

If he is so keen on the Bible and new testament teaxhings then he should be fine with telling the church leader all about his struggles so he can hold him accountable and support him in his battle against the devil and his sin 😑 .. I imagine he wont though, and will come up with all sorts of twisted reasons for you to put up and shut up so would advise you gently to seek support from friends and consider protecting finances/future... he will destroy you Im afraid - not because of the porn but because he sounds like a spiritually and emotionally abusive narcissist using your good faith for his own nefarious ends 😩🤷🏽‍♀️

Im so sorry xxx

What sort of church do you attend OP? Please could you clarify the difference between a Pastor and Preacher, from what I understand they are the same role.

The way he’s handling it is horrible and unfair on you. Protect your assets as best yo you can. Is there a senior female at your church who you could confide in? Might feel a bit easier.

Why can't you say porn?

Hi all.. I've already decided marriage is over but can't leave yet because of kids and I need to get job .. hence I'm biding my time in disbelief. I've now got as much control as can have over finances. I think he should speak to minister and FESS up or give up totally by himself i.e do the right thing..at least until he gets in right mind spiritually and mentally. He is adamant he is quitting but his mindset is still that of an addict... Deflection and denial... But he feels guilt and remorse. I've no doubt God forgives genuine remorse and repentance, and I think my husband feels that. But still with my understanding of faith I don't know how he managed to have this dual personality in play whilst preaching...he kep the addict self well hidden from me... In fact I had no idea how much porn damages the brain... It is evident now how much the addiction has a hold of him... Even if he's no longer doing this it's early days and weeks before he gets therapy...

In some Protestant churches you can volunteer preach... You don't get paid but can be trained to be a preacher.

I can say porn... Lol. It's this phone..it either converts it to poem or por n....

Stupid comment of the day.

I see 👍 Which denomination do you belong to? It sounds like porn addiction is definitely the least of your worries.

Ah yes supporting and enabling is a bit like my husband blaming me for his addiction... Not helpful... Husband knows the score... We can't help what are partners do in secret.. a true addict can cover his tracks until the lies catch up with him... Like any man or woman engaged in betrayal be that virtual or real life affairs, eventually they get found out... Then it's justification and backtracking... I'm not responsible for his choices. But I will pray for him that God will lead him to truth...

To be honest, porn is least of worries.. the financial loss of trust is huge.. the dishonesty, blame shifting and lying is hardest part ... If he came clean was honest in first place .. no relationship can survive without trust.

Do you have a pastor in your church or is it just elders and deacons? I would request a meeting with ALL the elders and pastor if there is one. Bring the evidence. It's in his interests to stop living a double life. If they sweep it under the carpet, leave the church.

Snoozley I am truly sorry your life has been impacted by this behaviour -it will be painful but it must be dealt with appropriately - I appreciate you have to carefully consider your domestic arrangements as you have children - I’m not sure I’d want them around your husband while his mind is so disordered - I will pray 🙏🏽 for you all that you find a way through this awful time

Hi howardsbend.. thanks for advice...I have thought about discussing with minister... I could talk to him about anything but this.. as it will affect his reputation... Feels like it should remain private to protect him

Thank you eveoha.... 🙏

Do you not understand that the congregation should be protected from a false teacher and it is in your husband's interests to face accountability and be given the opportunity to change? You are not helping him. You're not protecting him. If you keep his secrets for him you are part of the problem.

Ministers deal with this all the time. They can't help if they don't know.

No of course not .

"Private to protect him"? No, he cannot get better from this while it is hidden in the darkness. Can only be healed when it is brought into the light. That is my experience anyway.

But also as pp have said - do what you need to to keep you and your children safe.