Any Witches Here? Part 6

[speakout]

Or Wiccans. or Pagans? Or anyone who is interested in a magical path or feels some magical stirrings.

A place for support, learning, swapping ideas and magical inspiration

All welcome.

@SCST01 I have also been described as being "too nice." It took me a very long time to realise that it isn't a compliment. Mine comes from a place of compassion, I used to try and fix and heal people, putting them first. I ended up in horrible relationships and nasty friendships.

I also excused the behaviours of these people and believed I could fix them. It was a revelation to me when I started putting myself first. My DH is a pain in the butt but he isn't horrible, he cares deeply for me. The friends I have are based on a friendship of mutual caring and nurturing.

My life changed as soon as I stopped being "too nice." I'm just nice to myself instead.

I see one of the people from my old way of life a couple of times a week on the bus coming home from work. I mentioned I was in the bus because I was on my way hone from my new job..... she hadn't asked what my new job is or where I am working. We have been seeing each other frequently for over a month now. I however know the ins and outs of her marriage and her plans to set up a business.

The old version of me would have thought I'm just not worthy and her life was more interesting than mine. That she needed someone to talk to. The new me sees her as a self absorbed arse. I changed the bus I get on so I can back to having my bus journey as time to myself to think about the things that matter.

I've been very fortunate to have a group of friends who are strong, principalled and are well balanced between kindness and healthy boundaries. I suspect that, had I had a different mix of women around me over the years, I might be in much more difficult situations with relationships. They are amazing and inspirational.

• Mine is very similar and it leaves me unable to relate to my mother and vice versa. She considers me unfeminine and threatening. Our exchanges are often fraught with passive agressive/wounded and upset dynamics. It's like trying to communicate with someone from another planet.

I could have written that.

Blacktimes- I am going to try this technique. Thank you for your valuable input.
Frosty -I am so sorry for what happened in the past with you. May your life now and ahead be full of peace and love.

My niceness doesn't come from trying to please people. My problem is that I think and feel for people. But when a conflict arises, I deal with it head on. I find it difficult to be part of a clique or join in gossip.

I don't view myself as "nice"z
*I do care for people and value others, but I admire honesty and integrity, I don't mind conflict and will prefer to resolve issues rather than accept bad behaviour

Speakout* I could have written this, it sums up exactly how I feel. Although I'd describe myself as kind, I wouldn't use the word 'nice'. know people sometimes don't know how to take me, as I can be pretty direct and if I don't want to do something then I'll politely, but firmly say no. I think people can see this as being standoffish, but its just that I prefer to protect my time and my energy for the things I want to do and the people that matter to me.

I have a huge amount of empathy, will support my friends and family when they need it, and will gladly help strangers if I can. But I don't suffer fools gladly, and have no time for people like socks lady on the bus.

TBH I wouln't be very happy if someone called me "nice".

Too many negative connotations for me!

Sorry if that offended anyone- I just see the idea of women being nice from a feminist slant.

I was brought up to believe that being nice was what all good girls do.

Maybe my perspective is skewed!!

So often on these threads we seem to share common ground. I too have a mother who avoids conflict and is full of resentment. It has been a rocky relationship, and she has a lot of jealousy around the close relationship I had with my grandmother (her mother, who raised me until I was 3) and one aunt in particular.
I followed her example and so my empathic nature attracted the wrong sort of people, but my mother's example of 'putting up' with things meant I couldn't stand up for myself.
When I did start to do this my life got much better. I stood up to her too, and during one conversation when she blamed someone else for a situation of her making I pulled her up on it. She told me I had a nasty mouth on me. I responded that I didn't, but that she just didn't like hearing the truth.
My mother, stepfather and sibling all live with such a negative mindset and I find them very hard to be around.

@queenrollo I was always taught to avoid conflict. Since having my DD I have learnt that a bit of conflict won't end in doom and gloom as I was taught. Instead it's opened up doors for me and I feel more respected.

I will be teaching my daughter to find her voice and to speak up.

I can relate to mother issues

Though I love my Mum and we are close, I find her needy, controlling and highly strung and sort of desperate to monopolise my love if that makes sense? Has always been threatened by my friendships and rubbishes them.

At around 19, I did feel like the roles rotated and I 100% feel like the adult voice in the relationship

I think she is being overly optimistic about a current ongoing situation in our family but if I got real about it she wouldn't accept it.

There's a naive quality to her.

queenrollo

Your post really resonates with me.
Your mother sounds just like mine- she dislikes what I have become- she sees me as bad tempered, bad mouthed, self indulgent, argumentative.
She has told me that she wishes I could be "nicer".
She brought me up to be nice and people ( men ) walked all over me.

Since I opened my eyes I vowed I would raise my own children to have a healthy self esteem, to respect themselves and others.

The worst relationship I have in my life is with my sister and my DM did deepen an exploit that void but that's not a story I will share today.

I can rarely think of our relationship and how abusive she was and is allowed to be without anger, or know I have to see her without feeling dread but it's a complicated anger and one that cannot ever be resolved so I minimise contact with her generally.

I have stood up for myself more than ever this year at work and said no to things - which has been a massive learning curve for me. I have also found that remaining silent and waiting for others to fill the gap in tricky conversations has helped me not to say yes to everything.

I struggle with my relationship with my parents as their parenting has massively affected my self esteem over the years. Recently I've had massive issues with my mum having too much to drink and promising things that do not materialise or saying horrible things and then carrying on as if nothing has happened. From my viewpoint as a witch it's very hard as I don't want to sever contact but I do find her energy leaves me exhausted. She has been at my house for 4 days last week and I am working on cleansing and restoring the energy!

So interesting that so many of us had challenging relationships with our mothers- for me it has provide a spark for my feminist journey. Which is very much tied into my journey as a witch.

I have a much different relationship with my own daughter than I had with my mother.
DD ( 18) and I are very close, we spend a lot of fun times together, very often at her request. We go on holiday together, she loves to cook with me, she has recently started learning Tarot, we make each other laugh a lot, I do try to nurture her esteem as best I can.
A naturally shy, quiet sensitive young girl I have taken a lot of time and effort to show her how to value herself.

@speakout same also for me. A lot of my parenting rules are the opposite of how I was brought up. For example my kids always choose what they wear I never dictate. My brother and I were often starving as children ( I would eat my apple core and all) and are both now obese ( hate that word) my children have free access at home to anything they want and are both like bean poles as the attraction of 'forbidden foods' is non existent. Both DH and I work hard to make our kids feel loved as both of us from a similar background.

My journey started about 25 years ago and still continues today. I am lucky to have a wonderful mentor who walks with me on my journey, guides but never dictates.

@BH

The worst relationship I have in my life is with my sister and my DM did deepen an exploit that void but that's not a story I will share today.

Me too!

Frostyapples

Yes!

My mother would not allow me to wear yellow- because I "didn't suit" yellow. I mea WTF- why such pettiness! Red shoes were only "worn by harlots"- I remember the lovel feeling when I bought my first pair of red shoes aged 19!
My mother would "force feed"- so suffered issues with food too.

And yes I have a difficult relationship with my sister too.
Luckily she lives abroad.

My relationship with my Mum is weird. We have a good relationship in that she's always been there to help me in a practical sense. But she just can't have a conversation about emotions and neither can my Dad. She just shuts off. As a teenager I could never talk to her about boyfriends or sex, or even periods. She always pushed me hard academically and I never felt as if I was good enough. I know she finds me odd and disapproves of my views! I can't talk to her about my spiritual work at all, which is sad as it's who I am.

I've come to terms with this as I realise her behaviour is the result of her own upbringing. My job is to break the pattern with my own DC.

Ooh. Fascinating discussion as ever!
I’m a bit behind..

Hello people joining and re-joining us 👋 good to meet you.

Totally agree with Elphame and BlankTimes on negativity/positivity and the ‘law’/ psychology of attraction. Particularly the nuance of wording.

Reframing seems to be an important tool. For example, I recently read something about replacing ‘ I have to’ with ‘I get to’ I liked that. So I might say, I have to do the school run, shop, cook and go to work.. instant feeling of overwhelming burden. If I say I get to do these things the focus is shifted to what I’m lucky enough to be able to do and have (a family, a job, food on the table, money to buy it etc) I thought that was useful.

I think the law of attraction has a bit of a bad wrap ( I blame The Secret but that’s just me!) It conjures images of me ‘thinking myself’ into a wonderful new life, a mansion perhaps- a fleet of cars etc etc. If I’m sitting in a dank bedsit with not a penny to my name it’s highly unlikely I’m going to convince myself that this is possible. And believing it’s possible is really important.

I like the idea of identifying the feeling I want (eg security, contentment etc) and working realistically and incrementally towards it. So I might snuggle under a blanket and really focus on how comfortable it is, then find some realistic affirmations like ‘I am comfortable, and am safe’ etc. I wholeheartedly believe that like attracts like and that the law of attraction is a powerful force but for me it needs to be tempered with more realistic logical steps.

speakout Your thoughts describing the paradox of nice particularly from a feminist perspective totally resonates with me. I never get called nice these days and I love that. Sod nice! I’d absolutely be offended to be called that. How about strong, capable, independent, intelligent, empathic, powerful... I could go on!

Can also totally relate to the difficult and painful mother/daughter dynamic too. For me there’s a lot of sexist crap wrapped up in it too. What a disappointment I was! I’ve been very lucky to have a complete and sudden change in my relationship with my mother. Directly linked to her having a massive stroke. She actually had the ‘personality transplant’ I’d always thought was the only solution to our utterly dreadful relationship. Sounds harsh and obviously I would never wish that on anyone. However the result is a completely new relationship with what feels like a completely different person. I take it as a gift.

@certainlymerry

It's so much harder than anyone who has a functional sibling relationship can understand

I remember at uni saying one day "I hate her" this is like 17 years ago and someone saying

"You can't say that/mean that that's your sister"

But it was true and that feeling trust me is more than mutual

But that sentiment, is verboten because of the reaction that such a feeling is terrible and unnatural

My hatred isn't some organic sinister sociopathy but very much a product of being on the receiving end of decades of abuse. I disengaged from the relationship at 21 so all hostility since then has been very much one way however much she has tried to goad me but one cannot go fully NC with a relative without accepting this means you can't attend any event they are at, and she has been such a destructor in my life that I'm unwilling to let her take my family too.

Just catching up with some of the powerful, insightful posts here.

certainlymerry I think you sum up the issue beautifully in terms of generational issues that cause the issues so many of have experienced. I can totally relate to the ‘threatening and unfeminine” clash.

speakout my mum too with the food thing. Such a strange and disturbing mechanism of control.

queenrollo totally relate to the jealousy and resentment. I think maybe we were a able to ‘level up’ in a way that would just not have been possible for other generations and that can cause a lot of resentment.

So much resonance, with so many posts, thank you everyone for such eloquent and thoughtful and honest insights.

It feels to me like a key common thread is misogyny. Perpetuated by women as well as men. The oppressed becoming the oppressors etc. We’ve talked before about the intrinsic link between witchcraft and feminism and sharing our experiences confirms that further for me. Thank you 🙏

Hello everyone, another fleeting visit. Pleased to see a sixth thread.

I have been quiet these past couple of threads, I've been very inward focussed and have preferred to read rather than contribute during this time. But now I feel my energies starting to raise again a little. Not a hot energy, if that makes sense, but a cool, clear, fresh energy. I'm very drawn to the idea of Imbolc at the moment. I feel ready to evolve.

I hope I can join in the discussions here a little more again.

Sorry to have missed the candle connection yesterday, I hope those of you who were there for it benefitted well from it.

YashmisCrone, I find reframing very useful in self development, and I really like "I get to", I will adopt that. My journey to being less "too nice"/guilt complexy to clearer and assertive has included swapping "I'm sorry" to "thank you" eg "thank you for waiting for me" as opposed to "I'm sorry I'm late". Much more positive and less apologist.

SCST01 I’m beginning to think reframing is one of the most powerful tools we’ve got in terms of personal development. I love the replacing sorry with thank you one as well! A bit of a tweak goes a long way doesn’t it.

Fitz lovely to see you. It’s good to know you’ve been around. Glad to hear you’re feeling a bit of a lift. I think this moon has been powerful too

Hello @YashmisCrone , good to see you too. Yes, that moon last night was quite something. I missed the eclipse but I could not get to sleep last night, I was ever so restless and wanted to just stay up late, which is unlike me!

Interesting discussion on reframing. We are such verbal creatures, so much of our reality is defined and understood through language. Words are powerful.