All this discussion about how we relate to others is really making me think..
I think I’ve said it before, but a big part of my path is personal development- for me it’s very much central to my witches journey- my rituals and practices show me new things about myself and my journey and I see working on them as a very important part of this. I can do all the happiness spells I like but I also need to work on this myself. I find increased self awareness gives me the tools to move forward and live a happier life. I don’t always like what I’m presented with but a big part of my learning has been to ‘go there’ and bring to the light, without judgment, the parts of me that I may not like so much and learn to become aware and make changes.
The discussion about who we attract in our lives has really struck a chord with me. I think it’s a massive thing that can keep us women in the role of ‘helper’, discounting our own needs and ultimately feeling resentful and dissatisfied. I saw it a lot in women’s work I’ve done, in the family and mostly in myself.
I don’t mean actual abuse, which of course is a different and much more serious matter but when it comes to unhealthy dynamics in relationships, I think it’s a pattern that impacts on women particularly in a very detrimental way and in my experience has been the most important thing to take control of in terms of feeling freer and more autonomous.
It’s something I feel very strongly about so I hope you don’t mind me sharing some thoughts from my own journey (Ramble alert!!)
I agree that as empaths/sensitive people we are often drawn to ‘fix’ and also agree that building self worth and being able to state our own needs as part of a healthy relationship is essential to combat the damage that can be caused this way.
What’s really helped me is to move away from looking at it from the victim and perpetrator framework. I see so much on social media and in the wider world that tells and re-tells (therefore reinforces) the narrative of us ‘poor sensitive empaths’ with only good intentions falling victim to the wicked narcissist.
I have several problems with this. Firstly, I think it perpetuates fear- like there’s ‘monsters out there’ Very disempowering I think.
Secondly it makes us the ‘innocent victims’. Also disempowering- and furthermore takes away any responsibility from us or us having the power to change the kind of relationships we have.
For example- if I enter any relationship with the view to ‘just wanting to help’ (or fix) then that’s the role I’m putting myself in and I’ll attract someone who just wants to take. I shouldn’t then be surprised when the other person doesn’t consider my needs- that’s not the dynamic or role either of us signed up to in the first place.
Like Barton said- it’s about what role everyone is in. These rarely change without concerted effort. It’s like an unwritten contract we sign. I think we often think that people should just know to meet our needs without us telling them what they are. But actually unless we assert them then they aren’t going to know.
I might want a friend to invite me out for coffee instead of me always being the one to suggest things. So I’ll stop asking,sit back and wait for that to happen. She doesn’t and then I use this to feed my ideas of feeling hurt and unloved. (Reinforcing the story I tell myself that they don’t care) In reality she doesn’t do this because those are just the roles we’ve always played- she doesn’t know I’ve changed the rules in my own head and am testing her. She may or may not be selfish but all I can change is the role I play in relation to her.
I’ve also had to learn that to always be in the role of helper (fixer) is a mechanism of control in itself. Ouch. Whilst I’m in that role I’m the ‘goodie’ the other person is ‘the problem’ and I don’t have to deal with (or show) my ‘shortcomings’ This actually puts me ‘above’ the person who is ‘the problem’
So I might think I’m being neglected and hard done by but there’s usually a reason why I’m keeping myself in that role. If it doesn’t serve me then I need to change it. To be on an equal footing with someone in any relationship makes us vulnerable and shows us up to be less than ‘perfect’ beings. That can be scary and difficult- it can actually be preferable to be in a martyr role in this way.
I think some of the difficulty comes when we grow and develop, increase our self worth and want something different from our relationships, then it becomes difficult to be in the role we put ourselves in in the first place- it jars with the ‘internal upgrade’ we’ve had.
We need to renegotiate as the other person isn’t on the same path of us- retrain the other to meet our needs. We can’t expect them to just know and change because our perception has changed. This requires being vulnerable and saying what our needs are. They may not want to change things because the situation as it is serves them well. That’s when we decide whether to leave the situation behind.
Again, it’s pattern changing- as described by queenrollo this is no mean feat and can literally feel like withdrawing from a drug (the chemical processes in our bodies are similar)
I think we tend to play out our stories over and over again until we become aware of them and seek to change them. Like the well trodden pathways described by speakout
For example, I knew a man who experienced the most abhorrent abuse and neglect as a child. When you talked to him he was sad and would tell you that all he wanted was to be loved and feel wanted. Yet he suffered abuse and disappointment after heartbreaking disappointment until eventually he died alone- his worst fear.
The problem was that the damage was so deep that he could never see the victim role he was continuing to play out over and over again. He would (could?) not set boundaries or assert his needs- he never learnt any other way to be- whilst the role he was playing was far from comfortable- it was familiar and therefore his default. I think I’ve said before that one surprising epiphany I’ve had is that we default to what is familiar rather than what serves us best. A very sad story that made me more determined than ever to take control and make changes no matter how uncomfortable.
With most of us sensitive people, I think the path to self awareness and personal growth/empowerment includes a time when we are shown our patterns- the narratives we are playing out and taking part in that do not serve us. This, I think is an opportunity to break free and work towards new, healthier patterns that nourish and serve us. It’s not easy by any stretch but it’s so worth it I think.
So now if someone repeatedly behaves in a way that upsets me, I’ll allow myself to feel it and then look at my role in the situation, why I’m playing that role (I try to do this without judgment as I find it really doesn’t help me move forward) and how I can change that. It has meant that there are people who are no longer beside me on my journey, which has been painful but overall for the good. This is how I’ve developed healthier relationships over time.
Sorry for the ramble- as may be obvious this has been a huge part of my path and something I’ve worked on in myself for many years!