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Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

How do you resolve conflicting religious parenting

332 replies

Contemplates · 23/03/2014 14:32

My husband doesn't want our children to be allowed access to both of our (differing) religious views, only his.

He is atheistic and I wanted to introduce our preschooler to Sunday school if he wanted to try it.

He loves preschool and wanted to see what this was all about too, and I had always been open about the fact I intended to encourage exploring God as an alternative to atheism, without forcing anything.

Obviously his Dad's alternative viewpoint is also and equally well known in our household. However I don't silence my husband the way I feel he is trying to silence me and I'm trying to remain balanced and fair.

This morning he was saying how he didn't want our son to attend Sunday school as he doesn't like it; which led to our son saying he didn't want to go anymore. So this morning we went to the park instead Hmm

Has anyone experienced this parental conflict before and how did you deal with it? There must be some balanced compromise that we can reach, while still enabling our children freedom to make their own choices.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 25/03/2014 19:56

Don't you think that people who believe in a different god to yours are delusional?

Most religious groups think other ones are delusional.

Thehopefuldragon · 25/03/2014 19:56

Well atthe I think you are wrong. It is not a post about religion and atheism. It is a post about how to manage difference in values when raising a child. It is absolutely not about which is right, belief or non belief. Not every conversation with religion in it is about whether religion is true!

Hullygully · 25/03/2014 19:58

It is a post about how to manage difference in values

Oh come now! You can't call belief in a supernatural being a "value"

JugglingFromHereToThere · 25/03/2014 19:59

My atheist/agnostic DH seems quite happy with my/our choice to bring up the DC as Quakers. They are probably the most liberal of the options broadly within our christian heritage. I think he can see that being a part of this faith community is important to us, and has been good for the DC (Lots of good stuff going on for young people for example)

Sometimes, but only sometimes Wink I think he's a better (or just more ardent?) Quaker than me. He's quite strongly pacifist and into animal rights and welfare, and equal rights in society ie. strongly anti homophobia and anti racism.

I think I'm more of a natural peace-maker.
But I know that sometimes he's right in that you can't have peace without justice.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 25/03/2014 20:01

It is a thread about values, but more specifically religion,athiesm raising children. However you dress it up. The whole point is that the OP has a belief which her OH thinks is untrue.

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/03/2014 20:03

Hully it is a false compromise to you because you would not be in the OP's husband's position. I assume that the OP's husband loves and respects her, therefore a compromise is of course achievable and in no way false. Just because you can't see one doesn't mean it isn't possible.

Hullygully · 25/03/2014 20:05

No, it's a false compromise because they are not equal positions.

One says I believe in something for which there is literally no evidence.

The other says all the evidence we have so far tells me the far likelier truth is that of no deity.

Hullygully · 25/03/2014 20:06

Anyway, I hope you work it out OP.

madhairday · 25/03/2014 20:07

hi Hully. You say that you 'love those friends on other levels', but you say that you cannot respect people who believe. My question to you is how can you have a balanced friendship with someone you simply don't respect? Or would you not call them friendships?

I do find it hard when people say they would not respect me because I have faith in God. I come across this a fair amount on MN. I really do wish people would give me a chance before judging me simply on my beliefs. I'm quite nice really :)

capsium · 25/03/2014 20:11

Hully no not unless they actually, really, are. I would draw on our commonalities.

Hullygully · 25/03/2014 20:12

madhair, what I find is that with new people, if I get to know and like them and then discover they have these beliefs, I say that I don't, and then we tacitly agree not to go there and we have a perfectly nice friendship without talking about that area.

BUt the people I am really close to are not "believers"

I'm quite old now and it doesn't matter as much as it did in youth...

I'm not trying to upset anyone with my views, just as I assume they aren't trying to upset me with theirs.

madhairday · 25/03/2014 20:15

That's fair enough hully. I never force talk about my beliefs on people - if they ask me questions, I will answer. I'd like to think that people gave me a chance to be a friend, whatever I believed, as I hope I do to others, some of my closest friends being atheists.

WhosLookingAfterCourtney · 25/03/2014 20:19

I'm with you Hully.

I have friends who are religious, it happens when you hang around in church hall toddler groups!

I find it quite strange, and have never brought it up tbh, that someone would come to the conclusion that Christianity was the most likely explanation.

I don't find it stands in the way of being friends, I would just never discuss religion with them. That's what Mumsnet's for Grin

Thehopefuldragon · 25/03/2014 20:26

If you don't like the word values Hully then pick another. A framework. A looking glass. We all have different frameworks through which we look at the world.

Yes, atthe, the the op and her hubby have a point of view the other thinks is untrue. But the post and thread is not about whose standpoint is true.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 25/03/2014 20:37

But it does play a part. Surely the default position must be the lack of faith. THen a child can decide for themselves when they are old enough.

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/03/2014 20:43

Hully, you are looking at it from your personal POV. One that the OP's DH doesn't share, seeing it more akin to supporting different football teams. A difference, yes, but not one so great that respect is lost and compromise impossible.

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/03/2014 20:48

Atthestroke the child will decide when they are old enough regardless. He is growing up in a home where it is ok to believe and also ok not to believe.

A question for yourself and Hully: would you cease to respect your child if they were to acquire faith as an adult?

BuggersMuddle · 25/03/2014 20:52

I think Hully is getting a bit of a hard time to be honest.

I'm an atheist, which does unfortunately mean that I find the belief in god(s) in a modern society, given what we know now irrational. It is hard being friends with someone who is devout coming from that position unless we agree to disagree.

I do tend to think my friends who believe are either deluding themselves, or haven't thought it through. I don't tend to believe that they don't have the critical thinking facility to do so (although I'm sure there are people for whom that's the case) because I don't have friends who are stupid.

That probably all sounds quite harsh, but here's the flip side (for me at least, although it seems to be common to atheist friends):

I came to my atheism by examining my religious upbringing through various prisms (my education, examining inconsistencies, reading atheist and religious thinkers...and so on). I then expanded that to learn about other religions and concluded that it was not rational for me to believe in any of them. That is to say, the rational position is not to believe.

To ask me to hold equal a believe in the supernatural is to ask me to suggest my own conclusion is equally rational. Now since I've discounted belief as irrational, there are two ways I can do that: evidence I've discounted (bring it on, I'd love to live forever in some idyll), or by suggesting my own reasoning is equivalent to that which arrived at an irrational position - that is, to be knowingly irrational. I think it would be difficult for an atheist who came to that view through thinking (rather than by default) to hold that view.

That doesn't mean I can't respect the positive aspects about (some) faith: community, charity, morality (some of the morality anyway).

We are all flawed, not least me. I disagree with friends on many things, but unless they are extremists of any flavour, I can (usually) live with the disagreement, much as they live with my own failings, whether perceived or real.

umiaisha · 25/03/2014 20:56

Apologies if I am repeating anyone but haven't read the entire thread.

OH is muslim and I am christian. Our children take part in both faiths, but practice more christianity as I am more involved in the church than my partner is at his mosque. They are being christened in the summer, have islamic names, son has been circumcised (albeit by a Mohel!) but eat pork and non halal meat. We are hoping our approach means that they can pick which, if any, faith when they are ready. Surely OP can come up with a compromise?? Sunday school every other week??

atthestrokeoftwelve · 25/03/2014 20:58

umiaisha- but with respect you and your OH both believe in god. So it's not having to choose between a belief and non belief.

BuggersMuddle · 25/03/2014 21:05

Going back to the OP's original point, I am glad you got a resolution. Having said that, while I can see you aimed at a rational approach, I'm unconvinced by the arguments.

In particular 'God real, faith taught / no taught'. Your outcomes depend on a position on Faith vs Works which is doctrinal and disputed among scholars.

To be fair I can't see that Sunday School will bring any particular harm to a child (even as an atheist), but I would not acquiesce as quickly as your (seemingly strongly atheist) husband did.

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/03/2014 21:26

Quite a few of my friend's are in atheist/belief partnerships (I myself was in one and am in another now). They work because respect and love are present and each person's viewpoint is seen as equally valid. There are quite a few children who attend our local Sunday Assembly who also attend church services.Grin

CoteDAzur · 26/03/2014 19:28

ginger - "you ask what I think would be gained by one week on one week off if the other person undermined it... I was talking about such a compromise done with mutual respect for each other's beliefs"

I know what you meant and it is a fine idea.

"Mutual respect for each other's beliefs" can be done when parents both believe. Each their own religions, both believing in stuff that can't be seen/proven, each world view based on faith, etc.

When one believes and the other thinks that belief is a pile of poo lies, how can compromise be reached? Can there be respect of the other's viewpoint?

What OP wants to do is indoctrinate teach their DC the stories of her religion as fact - Jesus was the Son of God, also God himself, born to a virgin woman impregnated by God himself etc. Is it possible for someone who regards them as stories believed by the gullible to respect that viewpoint and allow his DC to be taken in?

CoteDAzur · 26/03/2014 19:33

OP - "Of course we have (talked about atheism). If you bothered to read my posts correctly you'd have seen that first thing this morning!"

You sound lovely Hmm

If you have ever heard two sentences about what an atheist is, how come you can say stuff like "He is atheistic" and call his the "alternative viewpoint"?

Anyway, have you considered my earlier suggestion to ask your DH if he would be OK with you introducing DC to your religion a bit later in their lives, when they can form opinions & research on their own? You DH might be OK with that. It could be preferable to arguing over whether or not you can take your DS to church at the age of 3.

capsium · 26/03/2014 19:40

When one believes and the other thinks that belief is a pile of poo lies, how can compromise be reached? Can there be respect of the other's viewpoint?

Everybody holds beliefs though, regardless of whether they hold any religious beliefs. Even if you say you only believe what has been proven, by research etc, how many people actually examine that original research? If they haven't they are trusting the reporting of the research. But even if they have they have put faith in the researchers to carry out the research correctly, trusted their assumptions regarding the variables have been adequately controlled and trusted that the conclusions and interpretations are correct.

This is just one example. So right here is common ground between the religious and non religious.