Help! Hub brought dog home - so angry

[WeatherwaxOrOgg]

Hi,

We've just moved to a new house 2 weeks ago. My husbands family are obsessed with animals. His sister has 5 horses that she cant really afford (her house is falling into disrepair) and several dogs. His other sisters have horses, dogs and cats and his mother has 7 dogs, several cats and a few horses. I, however, although I love seeing his mothers animals when we visit, am NOT an animal person.

I've always said that while I love the animals, I CBA to put the time into dealing with an animal and I dont want messes and stains or food bowls in the house.

Anyway, 2 weeks into moving into a new house, my DHs mother calls asking if we want a Boxer puppy. Apparently a breeder she knows was moving house and needed to shift a litter quickly, as she knows his mother she was fine with giving us a pup. I heard the call as it was on speaker and laughed as I gazed around at all the boxes and piles of clothes etc. that happen when you move, I expected him to say something along the lines of, "are you fucking crazy???".

Anyway, she went and I didn't think about it until a couple of days later DH asks me, so are we having the dog? I said, what? Are you serious, to which he started saying how much our youngest wants a dog blah blah. I pointed out that he had a snake and didn't care for it, we had to give it to another child of mine in the end.

Anyway, the subject dragged on for a couple of days, I was saying how I didnt want it in my house, I refused to have anything to do with it if they got it etc and after a while it transpired that he'd agreed to go and pick up the dog the next day if I agreed. I said nothing and the next day he called me asking if he was collecting her (the puppy). I went through a long list of reasons why I didnt want it and instead of listening he just rebutted everything I said, saying things like "it'll be ok". (It turned out later that he'd already collected her at this point

He came home with her and my son was delighted, they both agreed they'd do everything for her. I asked hub where her basket/food/blanket/toys, that I assumed he'd bought and he had nothing. I said she'll be hungry FFS. She'll be fine he said.

Obviously, I had to insist that we went out immediately to buy all she needed! So now I'm being dragged in.

He's at work all day and I'm having to make sure shes fed on time (I homeschool, so my son who was adamant he wanted her has to do it), I have to make sure shes toileted to avoid a mess and worse, I now find that I'M the one researching her care. From food to teeth cleaning, from toilet training to behavioural training, anything you can think of, I'm the one that has to do it all and I DON'T WANT A DOG.

Shes really sweet and I'm lovely to her, but I just want her gone. Although she's pretty good with going outside, she's pissed on the carpets twice and just now has shit on the cream lounge carpet. They cleaned it up, but the smell is disgusting.

My hubs mother has been the perfect MIL, but now I just want to wring her crazy neck for even suggesting something so mental while we're moving in and have a big refurb planned.

We waited 2 years for this house and I just can't be bothered any more. I had plans for it and I just want to run away, I don't care if it stays exactly as it is, I feel like the excitement I had for the first two weeks pre-dog has just been snatched away.

Theres dog food in the cupboards, dog bowls on the floor, dog beds in the lounge and my sons room, I can't just go out without thinking about her and her needs and I'll NEVER be able to do that, even when shes grown - she'll be a large, very energetic dog. I'll have to make vets visits, I'll have to have her in my car (yes, I know, properly harnessed etc), shes in the house running around, her treat things are everywhere, she licks me (yes, I know dog people love this, but I'm not one and to be fair I made this really clear to my husband) her teething treats get eaten and although I havent seen mess, I'm aware that the saliva coated stick is being pushed around all over the floor ... idk ... I'm just beyond devastated.

My husband is very experienced with dogs as he was brought up with them in his mental family (yes, I absolutely have changed the way I feel after having this forced upon me) yet I'm the one dealing with it all.

Dont get me wrong, she isn't being mistreated even slightly, I give her attention (she is really sweet) I praise her, I play with her in between lessons, my hub and son take her outside when he gets back from work but I'm just gutted. I've never had a dog and I knew I didnt want one, ever. I've brought up 7 children and I was happy that I'm finally getting some life back and now I have this to deal with.

I'm SO angry.

I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Can anyone offer any advice please, I'm just beyond gutted at the commitment :(

@PieceOfString

I'm not sure how long the dog has been with you, sounds like your son has a strong bond now, and while your DH is an utter twat for taking this approach (just cos you didn't give a firm no doesn't mean you weren't clear! You never said yes!!) you have some responsibility for the fact that the reversal of the twat move wasn't swift. This makes getting rid of the dog and leaving your son bereft less clear cut now. Whatever you decide, make it quick and be clear to all involved what the truth of this situation is. Your DH has a lot of sorry to find! The twat move and the shite shirking of the responsibility he brought home!!

You made me laugh, yes it was a twat move haha!

And you're right that I didn't reverse it swiftly. I was just so unprepared for the joy on my sons face, I do agree that with hindsight I should have been far firmer ... I don't know, to be honest I think I was just shocked, I was shocked that she was actually at my house, I was put off guard by my sons reaction and I was initially worried that she didn't have food or anything she needed.

I think after a couple of days the enormity of the situation began to sink in and that's when i wrote my post.

@Muma1992

You let the dog in and insisted on going buying everything for it immediately, rather than turning your husband and the dog away? I'm confused.

It was difficult, my son was ecstatic, I was just thrown off by his joy. I went to get food etc as it was evening time and I couldn't see what else to do right away, she clearly needed food and a bed to sleep in - I sort of did that on autopilot to be honest, but I know I'm making excuses for my weakness.

You're right, my dithering has caused this though :(

But you’re still dithering now and procrastinating which is making things worse.

What would happen if you just say to your DH it’s too much, I’ve been lumbered with the dog and he either needs to take it to work, return to the breeder or give it to MiL? Stop dithering now and give the problem to your DH.

@LaBelleSauvage123

OP I am so sympathetic towards you as I share your feelings about dogs. Love other peoples’ but really don’t want one. DH is desperate for a dog so I feel mean saying no, but I just know I’d resent the responsibility and demands owning one would bring. I have been really clear about this to DH and said that if he does get one it will belong to him and be entirely his responsibility. It’s too late for you to do that but I think you need to sit down with DH and explain how you feel about the dog.

....and said that if he does get one it will belong to him and be entirely his responsibility

This was my mistake, pleeeeeease don't make the same one. I suppose I thought that if I said that, he wouldn't bring one home, but it just led to confusion and inevitably you WILL end up with dealing with it at times, it'll be in your home and invade your life.

Thank you for the sympathy, I'm happy that someone understands lol, I do really love going to his mums house, some of the little dogs run up and sit with me and one of the really massive ones will sit by my feet and I love it, but I'm glad to walk away from the chaos when we go.

But I really don't want you to make the same mistake with the "its your responsibility" thing, my husband does deal with her when he gets home and he'll have to cope with her at the weekend but she still infringes my life so much more than I could have imagined and my imaginings weren't tame either. If you don't want a dog, please just say a clear no, rather than anything else around that :)

@PermanentTemporary

I will never understand MN and dogs.

I think you were perfectly clear that you didn't want one. Who the fuck would take someone not actually screaming in their face 'NO DOGS' as permission to get a puppy?? Would we be saying the same if you hadn't screamed 'NO' to sex and he'd gone ahead anyway?

And of course you're looking after the dog since it's in the house and no other fucker is doing it, you're not a monster.

Tell dh he's taking it back to the breeder tonight and HE's also telling your ds that he got a dog despite you not wanting one and him having no way to look after it, because he's a twat who likes the idea of dogs but who gets women to do the work.

Thank you, I thought I was clear to be honest and I also thought we were at the discussion stage (as opposed to the actually getting stage) so rather than say something like "I don't want a dog and I wont hear you out", I was trying to talk it through in the hope that he would see the sense side of it and agree to not have one, he has been against in the past for the same reasons that I don't want one now.

Other posters are right in saying that I went out to get things for her immediately, but the first reason was that I knew she hadn't eaten for a few hours and food was due and I was also thrown by my sons delight and happiness. I bought toys and a bed for her as it was evening and even if I gave her to MIL, she'd still need a bed etc, but I wasn't thinking clearly to be honest. I was angry, surprised, shocked, I just did what I did without thinking.

I'm hoping that after a weekend or two of having to deal with her, he'll remember all the things he said about dogs after the dog packed childhood he had.

For anyone worried about this little girl, please don't be, I'm giving her the best of care, playing with her, praising her etc, giving her little treats, I just don't want to be doing this.

@blessedbethechocolate

Why didn't you turn him around at the door. Years ago I was working 12hr night shifts getting home to the kids not being ready and having to do everything round the house. One morning I got home to find my ex had bought a puppy from one of our neighbours. My children still haven't forgiven me for picking it up and taking it straight back there.

Do you mean the children were upset that you returned it blessed?

This is my worry now, my son is so happy with her :(

As sparklfairy said, I'm now in an impossible situation!

@Babdoc

OP, you shouldn’t have backed down. Your DH is walking all over you. I would have put the dog in the car and driven it straight back to MIL’s house, or the nearest dog pound. Your behaviour, by contrast, has shown your DH that you have no boundaries and will give in to anything he wants to impose on you. You are now lumbered with this smelly unwanted creature for a decade or more. I’d refuse to have any involvement with its walking, feeding, cleaning or veterinary care. Let DH have all the hassle - he wanted it.

I know he is BUT (theres always a but lol) .. but I don't normally allow him to walk all over me, this isn't a general thing (I think that was why I was SO shocked to see the dog).

He got away with this because he presented it to my son, who was just so happy.

I think I might take her to MIL's though, I'm so fed up.

I haven't been doing anything for her while he's home and during the day my son shoulders are fair amount of her care, I'm wondering what the weekend will bring when he has her 24/7.

You were ambushed, plain and simple. The reason it's an effective military strategy is because people don't react when taken by surprise in the same way as they do when they have time to consider.
Of course, we and you looking back would do it all differently.
We can confirm your DH has hung a millstone round your neck and that's terrible.
The question is do you accept it and find what joy there is in it or insist he deals with sending her back and your sons upset.
I love dogs. Have had 3 of my own. But currently feel so done with responsibilities that I shudder at the thought of another note. I totally get you.
I would really need my dh to get this also in your situation if I was going to be able to forgive him.

@HollyGrail

I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Can anyone offer any advice please, I'm just beyond gutted at the commitmen

I think this is due to you feeling out of control, that you have no say in your own life - it causes feelings of anxiety or panic ime

I can't just go out without thinking about her and her needs and I'll NEVER be able to do that, even when shes grown

I take issue with this though. You have to toughen up and you have to MAKE them do everything - and assuming they do everything you WILL NOT have to think about her. If it turns out that they are not doing their bit, you have the threat of rehoming her. I think I would make that very clear - not in an angry shouty way but in a 'considerations for the dog' straightforward way. But you need to start as you go on - I think I would be thinking of going back to work....

Yes, you're right about the anxiety and panic, I haven't slept properly for the last couple of nights since she's been here, it's quite weird as I feel completely tired out, yet nothing has happened apart from her arriving.

And hmm, yes, but its so difficult when you know they haven't thought of something, it's hard to ignore just because she's a little life and none of this is her fault at all, she's absolutely adorable - I just know I don't want her.

You are right though, I do have the rehoming threat because when i said I'd that while he was at work, hub was quite worried.

I would like to go back to work, but I home-school my son and with the unstable world situation at the moment, I'm not really inclined to start public school right now - she's arrived at a bad time as I don't really have the option of going to work purely because of that.

I will try to think less about her though and hope that that will force him to do so, thank you.

@HollyGrail

The problem isn't DH it's DS- I don't know how old he is but OP can't remove the dog without seriously upsetting the son. But if it were me OMG that boy would be cleaning up its poo, washing it's bowls and taking it daily walks - it's good to teach responsibility and that's what I'd do. No tv or games til dog is seen to ( might turn into an asset eventually) . If he and DH want a dogg they can have it. Stop reassuring us the dog is looked after - it's you we are concerned about with selfish inconsiderate 'loved ones' not the dog.

Oh also Holly, I have had my son doing as much as I can, he had to clean up a mess this morning, he didn't complain but when my DH was home the other night he tried to get my son to do it and I insisted that HE did it, seeing as he put the dog on us all lol, he wasn't delighted but he did do it without complaining.

You're sooo right about the order of getting fed up lool, so, so right. It will be my son first for sure. I've made my bedroom dog free, I've put a large suitcase in the doorway for now while I look for a gate to block it permanently, I'd rather she wasnt in the lounge but that seems unfair.

I reassure people about her because if I was a dog lover, it would really distress me to think of a sweet little pup being mistreated because the owner hated them, it's just that really, I don't want anyone to feel worried because I'm not a dog fanatic but it would worry even me.

@Lilymossflower

Put the pup up for sale. Or if that would upset your child too much then kick both dh and the dog out. Don't know if that's realistic actually but wow, what a level of blatant disrespect from your husband. It would be a breakupable reason for me

I must admit, it has made me feel really differently about everything, I'm shocked that he's done this.

And angry, that keeps burning inside me :(

@SophieHMS

The OP is a people pleaser I would imagine. Keeps the peace. Gets things done that her family take for granted and don't see. Goes with the flow. Finally some independence from major mothering phase of life. Hopes, expects, assumes that her DH - usually an ally in her life - will be happy to see her enjoying their new home and increased freedom. Assumes DH of many years knows her views on dogs. Trusts DH of many years not to make life changing decisions unilaterally.

I can totally see how the OP feels a profound rage. It's not just about the dog. It's about her DH not seeing or valuing her needs and wants inlife, her being used to accommodate and facilitate a "family life" that all enjoy but which is managed by her thought and work.

It's the sort of thing that could break my relationship in any case - she's been backed into a corner where she will look like a shit whatever she does. It's the sort of thing that she'll never quite get over - being "unseen", and taken for granted and her good nature abused rather than cherished.

Thank you for your post, I'm not a people pleaser (I'm usually quite outspoken) but you are right in so many aspects of your reply. I do think that so many mums do things that no-one sees and everyone takes for granted, that's so true, I certainly feel that a lot of the things I do never get or have never had any recognition.

I'm not completely free as I'm homeschooling the last child, but yes, I was really excited to have the new house to refurb. We moved from the Uk to the US and have spent 18 months with family and 6 months back in the UK sorting financial stuff out (most of that was in lockdown too) and so this was such a happy time for me. Now I feel like I don't have the enthusiasm to do any of it, i feel like I don't care if the house stays as it is and I was so excited before. I'm not being like this to get back at DH, I absolutely am not, its just like a really deep down feeling that I can't explain, I truly and honestly don't care about getting it down, when prior to purchase I was the one who drew up all the plans for the changes.

Your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs are spot on. I'm grateful for the understanding, it doesn't change the dog situation but for some reason it does help knowing that someone understands how this feels, so thank you again

"it's quite weird as I feel completely tired out, yet nothing has happened apart from her arriving. "

You're tired because he's pulled the rug out from under your feet.

I think you need a serious conversation about how abusive this feels to you. He clearly hasn't understood that you were approaching a time of a little more independence and freedom, the chance to think about yourself occasionally rather than everyone else, and he's unilaterally snatched that away. He needs to know your shaken and upset that he'd manipulate the situation in this way, and that it's really impacted your trust in him and as a partner. He's taken your new start, in a new home, and a new independence and shat all over it.

My youngest was pleading for a puppy to be a companion to my 7 year old dog. He gave me a well - argued essay about how it would teach him responsibility, be company for my dog etc. I told him that these were all very good points and he was right about the "pros" of getting another dog, but the "cons" would fall mostly on my shoulders, and he wasn't weighing the situation correctly because he wouldn't have to bear the costs, only enjoy the benefits.

As I mentioned up - thread, I used to home educate (similar family size to you OP), and having dogs made life so much harder than I'd expected, even though I grew up with dogs. My experience has been that large family, home - educating mothers are often people who really really like kids and are total suckers for anything that makes the kids happy!

OP, it sounds like you've given in already and accepted that the dog is staying. But it's not too late to sort this out. A teenager (or even a pre-teen) is old enough to understand that they can't always have their own way if it impacts badly on another person. What are your kids learning about the status and importance of a mother's views if you let this stand? What are they learning about the "martyr mother" concept?

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@WeatherwaxOrOgg Hang on - the breeder was moving house and needed to shift a litter quickly? A decent breeder has a waiting list and puppies will usually already have a prospective home when they're born. How much did you pay for the puppy?
Also, generally if a puppy needs to be rehomed before 6 months, it is a contractual agreement that it goes back to the breeder for rehoming?

What sort of 'breeder' is this? Boxers are pricey dogs.[/quote]
She does have a waiting list, but this litter wasn't intended to be going out to anyone - she was going to keep this litter, I'm not sure why, I haven' asked my hub for details and he probably doesn't know anyway.

So, people on her list received the boys from this litter sooner than expected, but the person who was supposed to be taking the girl kept messing her around. She was talking to my Dh's mum and the subject came up, they know each other well, she's taken pups from her before. She contacted two of the waiting list families that wanted girls, one wasn't contactable and one wasn't sure she was ready as she'd been on track for a later litter, so as they talked DH's mum said my son wants a female and this is how it came about.

She provided all the paperwork, a stack of it including parents details (although the parents were both there) vax details, deworming and deflea details etc. I haven't looked through it yet, because I know little about the subject.

The puppy was $1500.

@GoWalkabout

Decide now if its a no (if you are going to be the baddie - which is unfair, just keep reminding dh I didn't agree and you picked it up anyway - best get it over with ASAP) or if you are going to make it work properly (reclaim your home, throw yourself in to a positive relationship with the dog, get dh organised looking after it). Do not stay resentful and passive because its just going to ruin the move for you.

You're right, I do need to take some sort of action. I keep wondering if I can do this, but I really don't think I can.

It has already ruined the move because while before this I was energetically sorting things out (in between and after homeschooling) I just can almost not face each day when I wake up. I know its going to be a constant worry about where the dog is, what shes doing, whether she needs food or water, worrying that she's about to use the carpets as a toilet (they're going eventually, but until the refurb is done they're pretty decent clean and good quality carpets), whether she's been played with enough - even the smell of her farts is indescribably bad! I went into a spare room today to sort out a few boxes (I keep the previously open doors shut now) and when I came out I was struck by how different the house smelt outside of the closed door rooms.

Ah, I don't know, I really do need to take some sort of action though.

@Powertothepetal

Oh OP Your DH behaved appallingly no doubt about that, all I would say is that what you read online/hear from other people isn’t always the reality so if you are going to keep the pup (it sounds to me like you are veering more towards this because if your DS) try not to worry about the dog being hard work and a terrible tie and a source of stress.

Boxers have a reputation for being really wild and boisterous yes, but this one may not be.

I have a breed with a ‘difficult’ reputation but actually she is no trouble in the house at all; doesn’t bark, isn’t destructive, friendly, sleeps all day etc.
It might all work out absolutely fine.

Some of the things you mentioned you were worried about are easily fixed, a strong ‘doggy’ smell for example is often down to diet so feed a really good quality diet and she might smell fine.
Try and stay positive

Thank you for the flowers, its much appreciated :)

I agree with what you say about boxers, because both his sisters girl and other sisters boy weren't particularly boisterous at all. The girl was very, very waggy and always delighted to see us (we lived with the sister for a while in their basement while we tried to sort things out) but she wasn't overly bouncy.

I'm thinking that you're right about diet, because when she farts, I can smell that horrible 'dog food' smell, it actually makes me feel sick. I watched a half an hour ad about a brand of food - Natures Blend by Dr Marty I think, it sounds really good but I don't really know what I'm talking about to be fair. Maybe I'll try that.

I am dithering - yes - but that's as you rightly say, purely because of my son :(

Your dog sounds really sweet, thank you so much, for the kind and helpful words :)

@picklemewalnuts

"it's quite weird as I feel completely tired out, yet nothing has happened apart from her arriving. "

You're tired because he's pulled the rug out from under your feet.

I think you need a serious conversation about how abusive this feels to you. He clearly hasn't understood that you were approaching a time of a little more independence and freedom, the chance to think about yourself occasionally rather than everyone else, and he's unilaterally snatched that away. He needs to know your shaken and upset that he'd manipulate the situation in this way, and that it's really impacted your trust in him and as a partner. He's taken your new start, in a new home, and a new independence and shat all over it.

I'm not quite independent because I home-school and my son isn't a teen yet, he's 12, but it does feel a bit abusive, I agree.

He's taken your new start, in a new home and shat all over it*

This is absolutely the feeling, he knows we've been wandering nomads for 2 years since we got to the US (bar 6 months under lockdown in the UK when we went back to sort some things out) and he knows how exciting it is to be finally getting our own home, I can't really understand this as he's never done anything like this before.

Its a horrible feeling and as others have said, I do think I need to talk it through with him, but I'm so fed up at the moment that I can hardly be bothered to.

The dog is almost irrelevant here
Why is everyone in your relationship being ‘the villain’ or ‘being railroaded’ all the time
Or having to say firm nos or they’ll be ignored? And also not saying firm nos and stating their boundaries clearly? And making huge decisions and commitments without consulting each other properly?

Your options are keep the dog or don’t keep the dog

If you’re going to keep it make your peace with it, learn to love her, get over it
Or tell dh that he and ds look after her whilst dh is home and when dh isn’t home, he can drop her off at MILs on his way out, because it’s his responsibility to care for her or to find care for her

But you certainly can’t look after it quietly whilst resenting him, that’s not healthy

If you’re going to get rid of it, do it sooner rather than later, tell ds it has to go live with MIL he can visit all the time, his dad will take him.

@Mix56

I love doges, we have two, but *The dog does not get full access to the whole house. You need to keep it in one area*. Never in bedrooms, upstairs, or sitting room. Tell your husband he grips it up, or the dog is going. FFS

I have closed the doors to spare rooms, so far the house is on one level but the plan was to add another, I'd designed it all and it's this that I've lost interest in now lol.

I think maybe your idea of keeping her out of the living room might be a good idea while I try to sort this mess out, thank you. Do you not think that's unfair on a new puppy? That's a genuine question, I have no idea. My son has his computer and desk in the living room (no electronics are allowed in the bedrooms, a long story but my son is happy and delighted with this decision) and the pup sleeps under his desk when he plays on the PC after school and sometimes in the evening. I'd feel bad if she was not in here, but I like the idea a LOT as the floors outside of the lounge and closed doors are hard floors.

@Nogardenersworld

The dog is almost irrelevant here Why is everyone in your relationship being ‘the villain’ or ‘being railroaded’ all the time Or having to say firm nos or they’ll be ignored? And also not saying firm nos and stating their boundaries clearly? And making huge decisions and commitments without consulting each other properly?

Your options are keep the dog or don’t keep the dog

If you’re going to keep it make your peace with it, learn to love her, get over it
Or tell dh that he and ds look after her whilst dh is home and when dh isn’t home, he can drop her off at MILs on his way out, because it’s his responsibility to care for her or to find care for her

But you certainly can’t look after it quietly whilst resenting him, that’s not healthy

If you’re going to get rid of it, do it sooner rather than later, tell ds it has to go live with MIL he can visit all the time, his dad will take him.

That's quite a good idea actually, she could go to MIL's during the day, I hadn't thought of that and MIL lives slightly out of his way to work, but hey-ho, he chose this lol.

Thank you, I'll consider that!

@Muchmorethan

Could DH drop puppy at DM on route to work and collect on way home?

Someone else suggested this and its not a bad idea. MIL lives very rurally even though she's not that far from us, it'll be ok now but when the snow comes in winter the windy journey will take a fair while.

It is his problem though really and so I will definitely look into this, thank you very much for the suggestion. Or maybe even MIL have her during the week and we have her at weekends perhaps, I don't know but the idea is good, thank you.

My ex wanted a Labrador puppy, yes I loved him dearly, I ended up with some of the walking, tho at 5 am in the damp winter I didn’t.
I now have a beloved cat no walking and chip reading cat flap so much easier

I don't know where you are in the US but my impression was that they don't walk dogs daily like we do, rather the dog lives in the yard (back garden) which is pretty big often. People drive round with their dogs in the back of the truck, rain or shine (mostly v hot shine where I was). So dogs are often outside and take less time/care than is expected here.
Also there is poison oak, nasty critters so dogs aren't let loose.

I love dogs. I am much more of a dog person than a cat person. But we live in a first floor flat, we both work long hours, and DD loves the idea of having pets but would soon get bored of the complex effort in keeping a dog. So we got a cat. If DH brought home a dog (he never would but) without asking first I'd tell him to take it straight back because we simply could not give it the attention it needs.

Make sure your husband doesn't bring any more animals home I cannot stress this enough.