Help! Hub brought dog home - so angry

[WeatherwaxOrOgg]

Hi,

We've just moved to a new house 2 weeks ago. My husbands family are obsessed with animals. His sister has 5 horses that she cant really afford (her house is falling into disrepair) and several dogs. His other sisters have horses, dogs and cats and his mother has 7 dogs, several cats and a few horses. I, however, although I love seeing his mothers animals when we visit, am NOT an animal person.

I've always said that while I love the animals, I CBA to put the time into dealing with an animal and I dont want messes and stains or food bowls in the house.

Anyway, 2 weeks into moving into a new house, my DHs mother calls asking if we want a Boxer puppy. Apparently a breeder she knows was moving house and needed to shift a litter quickly, as she knows his mother she was fine with giving us a pup. I heard the call as it was on speaker and laughed as I gazed around at all the boxes and piles of clothes etc. that happen when you move, I expected him to say something along the lines of, "are you fucking crazy???".

Anyway, she went and I didn't think about it until a couple of days later DH asks me, so are we having the dog? I said, what? Are you serious, to which he started saying how much our youngest wants a dog blah blah. I pointed out that he had a snake and didn't care for it, we had to give it to another child of mine in the end.

Anyway, the subject dragged on for a couple of days, I was saying how I didnt want it in my house, I refused to have anything to do with it if they got it etc and after a while it transpired that he'd agreed to go and pick up the dog the next day if I agreed. I said nothing and the next day he called me asking if he was collecting her (the puppy). I went through a long list of reasons why I didnt want it and instead of listening he just rebutted everything I said, saying things like "it'll be ok". (It turned out later that he'd already collected her at this point

He came home with her and my son was delighted, they both agreed they'd do everything for her. I asked hub where her basket/food/blanket/toys, that I assumed he'd bought and he had nothing. I said she'll be hungry FFS. She'll be fine he said.

Obviously, I had to insist that we went out immediately to buy all she needed! So now I'm being dragged in.

He's at work all day and I'm having to make sure shes fed on time (I homeschool, so my son who was adamant he wanted her has to do it), I have to make sure shes toileted to avoid a mess and worse, I now find that I'M the one researching her care. From food to teeth cleaning, from toilet training to behavioural training, anything you can think of, I'm the one that has to do it all and I DON'T WANT A DOG.

Shes really sweet and I'm lovely to her, but I just want her gone. Although she's pretty good with going outside, she's pissed on the carpets twice and just now has shit on the cream lounge carpet. They cleaned it up, but the smell is disgusting.

My hubs mother has been the perfect MIL, but now I just want to wring her crazy neck for even suggesting something so mental while we're moving in and have a big refurb planned.

We waited 2 years for this house and I just can't be bothered any more. I had plans for it and I just want to run away, I don't care if it stays exactly as it is, I feel like the excitement I had for the first two weeks pre-dog has just been snatched away.

Theres dog food in the cupboards, dog bowls on the floor, dog beds in the lounge and my sons room, I can't just go out without thinking about her and her needs and I'll NEVER be able to do that, even when shes grown - she'll be a large, very energetic dog. I'll have to make vets visits, I'll have to have her in my car (yes, I know, properly harnessed etc), shes in the house running around, her treat things are everywhere, she licks me (yes, I know dog people love this, but I'm not one and to be fair I made this really clear to my husband) her teething treats get eaten and although I havent seen mess, I'm aware that the saliva coated stick is being pushed around all over the floor ... idk ... I'm just beyond devastated.

My husband is very experienced with dogs as he was brought up with them in his mental family (yes, I absolutely have changed the way I feel after having this forced upon me) yet I'm the one dealing with it all.

Dont get me wrong, she isn't being mistreated even slightly, I give her attention (she is really sweet) I praise her, I play with her in between lessons, my hub and son take her outside when he gets back from work but I'm just gutted. I've never had a dog and I knew I didnt want one, ever. I've brought up 7 children and I was happy that I'm finally getting some life back and now I have this to deal with.

I'm SO angry.

I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Can anyone offer any advice please, I'm just beyond gutted at the commitment :(

Agree with @DoubleTweenQueen the ‘breeder’ sounds very dodgy. Our boxer pup was crazy money when we got him in March and we’d been on a waiting list for over a year!

Without meaning to add to your woes, does your husband have experience with Boxers? Ours is now 8 months old and a crazy bundle of energy, he’s utterly wonderful but completely bonkers. Needs a lot of attention, patience and training to keep the crazy under control. Ours is 29kg already and still prone to jumping up in excitement (we’re working on it!!) I am biased but they are a wonderful breed of dog and totally hilarious but definitely require a lot of commitment

If your MIL has 7 dogs, one more won't make any difference. Instead of going out and buying everything for the dog, you should have told Hub to take it back to MIL.

I will never understand MN and dogs.

I think you were perfectly clear that you didn't want one. Who the fuck would take someone not actually screaming in their face 'NO DOGS' as permission to get a puppy?? Would we be saying the same if you hadn't screamed 'NO' to sex and he'd gone ahead anyway?

And of course you're looking after the dog since it's in the house and no other fucker is doing it, you're not a monster.

Tell dh he's taking it back to the breeder tonight and HE's also telling your ds that he got a dog despite you not wanting one and him having no way to look after it, because he's a twat who likes the idea of dogs but who gets women to do the work.

@PermanentTemporary

I will never understand MN and dogs.

I think you were perfectly clear that you didn't want one. Who the fuck would take someone not actually screaming in their face 'NO DOGS' as permission to get a puppy?? Would we be saying the same if you hadn't screamed 'NO' to sex and he'd gone ahead anyway?

And of course you're looking after the dog since it's in the house and no other fucker is doing it, you're not a monster.

Tell dh he's taking it back to the breeder tonight and HE's also telling your ds that he got a dog despite you not wanting one and him having no way to look after it, because he's a twat who likes the idea of dogs but who gets women to do the work.

OP insisted they went out to buy puppy items as soon as it came home I think it looked like she wanted the dog..

Why didn't you turn him around at the door. Years ago I was working 12hr night shifts getting home to the kids not being ready and having to do everything round the house. One morning I got home to find my ex had bought a puppy from one of our neighbours. My children still haven't forgiven me for picking it up and taking it straight back there.

Set a date in stone OP in next few days, verbally, on the calendar and confirm with MIL...date to drop dog to her and she can keep or rehome. When asked begged about the dog, be very clear dog is not staying. If she won't take it, it's a recoding centre (call and arrange date with them).

OP, you shouldn’t have backed down. Your DH is walking all over you.
I would have put the dog in the car and driven it straight back to MIL’s house, or the nearest dog pound.
Your behaviour, by contrast, has shown your DH that you have no boundaries and will give in to anything he wants to impose on you. You are now lumbered with this smelly unwanted creature for a decade or more.
I’d refuse to have any involvement with its walking, feeding, cleaning or veterinary care. Let DH have all the hassle - he wanted it.

The breeder sounds dodgy to me too as never met the family who is taking on the dog.

Has the puppy had health checks? Do you have details of its parents?

What’s done is done but next time, you just say an unequivocal, no-nonsense NO. No, I do not want a dog in the house. No, we can’t have a dog.

Now you need to have the very serious discussion about returning the puppy to the breeder (who sounds shit, btw, so presumably won’t have her back) or rehoming. A puppy of that age, with no issues, will find a new home almost instantly if you go through a good rescue.

Do it before you all get more attached.

This is a living creature so it's not done, it's over 15 years potentially not done. Much easier to rehome a puppy and allow it to have a family that all want it and will train it etc.

@Enough4me

This is a living creature so it's not done, it's over 15 years potentially not done. Much easier to rehome a puppy and allow it to have a family that all want it and will train it etc.

Was that in response to my ‘what’s done is done’? Because you’ll see I advise rehoming.

The ‘what’s done is done’ was about the lack of clear communication before the puppy was brought home.

It’s clearly best all round if the pup gets a new home ASAP. The OP is clearly not a bad person and is taking all good care of the puppy but its not the right household for a dog.

Sorry @NoSquirrels I misread and thought you were saying the OP had to get on with having the dog for life now.

What an awful situation your DH has put you in. Deciding to get a dog is a big responsibility and everyone needs to be fully on board. I can see that is not the case, I would re-home the dog in these circumstances.

I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Can anyone offer any advice please, I'm just beyond gutted at the commitmen

I think this is due to you feeling out of control, that you have no say in your own life - it causes feelings of anxiety or panic ime

I can't just go out without thinking about her and her needs and I'll NEVER be able to do that, even when shes grown

I take issue with this though. You have to toughen up and you have to MAKE them do everything - and assuming they do everything you WILL NOT have to think about her. If it turns out that they are not doing their bit, you have the threat of rehoming her. I think I would make that very clear - not in an angry shouty way but in a 'considerations for the dog' straightforward way. But you need to start as you go on - I think I would be thinking of going back to work....

But her dh goes out to work! The dog is at home with her. She can't just ignore it!

If your dh could organise himself to get the dog, he can organise himself to take it back to the breeder.

OP I used to home educate too and got dogs because I grew up with them and wanted them and was very experienced etc. It made my life SO much harder than it needed to be. The kids missed out on lots because I spent so much time looking after the dogs, and there were plenty of places we could not take the dogs, so especially while they were young it limited our home ed trips etc.

(I'm assuming you're home educating long term, not just doing some holiday lockdown homeschooling)

Boxers are a difficult breed, notorious for being hard to train, very energetic and never really growing up. That makes them great fun for people who are really into dogs, but a very full-on commitment.

This all sounds very out of order and unfair on you. I would put your foot down right now. Send the dog to MIL where your DS can still feel it's his pet, or send it back to the breeder. Don't feel guilty - nobody will win if you just suck this up.

A friend of mine bought a dog against her DH's wishes because it was something she'd always wanted to do and she thought if not now, when? , but she made all the arrangements for its care, doggy daycare, limited where it could go in the house, and did all the dog care herself. He was unhappy but accepted how important it was to her & that she was taking full responsibility. Your DH, on the other hand, has dumped all the responsibility on you. You need to put a stop to this.

My current dog has cost me £6k in vets bills over the past 3 years and is basically uninsurable. The whole family has to plan around her and she has caused untold hassle. She's a similarly daft breed, though not a Boxer. I love her, but if I had my time over, I would not have got her.

Your DH has been very selfish here, but you are massively enabling the situation by immediately taking charge and caring for the dog

Your DH growing up around dogs doesn't mean he knows how to care for and train them btw.

Me or the dog here as well. I’d be so livid I don’t think I’d be able to talk to my husband or his family for a long, LONG time.

@RogersVideo

Your DH has been very selfish here, but you are massively enabling the situation by immediately taking charge and caring for the dog

Your DH growing up around dogs doesn't mean he knows how to care for and train them btw.

She’s stuck in with the dog due to her husband working away from home. What is the OP meant to do?!!! If she ignores the dog that’s cruel.

I didn’t want a dog, everyone else in the family did, she’s 3 years old now and if we ever split up I’m taking her with me, she’s my dog (and I love her a ridiculous amount!)

Take the dog to mils, tell her if she ever pulls a stunt like that again then you'll be gone. Then tell your bloke the same.

Do you want to be the well trained wife who gets ignored by her bloke and has to look after and train an animal you didn't want?

Another vote for “either the dog goes now or I leave”. You’ll feel guilty OP as your DC will be upset, but it’s not half as upset as he’ll be when you move out.

Boxers are one of the most difficult dogs to bring up, not because they are horrible but they have endless energy, a very long puppy phase, stubborn and can be very destructive.
Also an adolescent boxer and a child is not a good mix.
Potential for a myriad of costly health conditions.

Holidays abroad, spontaneous days out, all need to revolve around the dog.

10+years of this.

Rehome the dog through a boxer rescue, your son will get over it quicker than you think, and tell you husband if he ever dares to do that again you will be leaving.

My dh wants a dog. My ds wants a dog. They beg, plead, ask every day. Firm no every time. DH works 12hrs a day for 6 days in a row, goes away a lot, has a second voluntary role and the dc go to school. I work from home. You can imagine who would be doing the dog care. NO.

And to @1forAll74 I'm already super fit on my own terms. I don't need somebody else to make a unilateral choice which negatively affects my freedom of movement, daily routines, leisure time and life choices and then be told that it's for the good of my health.

OP, you need to unpick where this dog has come from and arrange its return. You don't need help outside of that. If you don't return it, you have over a decade of cost, mess, smell and curtailing of your personal freedoms and all so that other people can satisfy their idle whims on their time and their terms. I would be beyond angry to be cornered like that.

@gamerchick

Take the dog to mils, tell her if she ever pulls a stunt like that again then you'll be gone. Then tell your bloke the same.

Do you want to be the well trained wife who gets ignored by her bloke and has to look after and train an animal you didn't want?

The MIL just asked them if they wanted a dog or not. They are adults, they could have just said no. I don’t understand what the MIL did that was so bad. 🤷‍♀️