Help! Hub brought dog home - so angry

[WeatherwaxOrOgg]

Hi,

We've just moved to a new house 2 weeks ago. My husbands family are obsessed with animals. His sister has 5 horses that she cant really afford (her house is falling into disrepair) and several dogs. His other sisters have horses, dogs and cats and his mother has 7 dogs, several cats and a few horses. I, however, although I love seeing his mothers animals when we visit, am NOT an animal person.

I've always said that while I love the animals, I CBA to put the time into dealing with an animal and I dont want messes and stains or food bowls in the house.

Anyway, 2 weeks into moving into a new house, my DHs mother calls asking if we want a Boxer puppy. Apparently a breeder she knows was moving house and needed to shift a litter quickly, as she knows his mother she was fine with giving us a pup. I heard the call as it was on speaker and laughed as I gazed around at all the boxes and piles of clothes etc. that happen when you move, I expected him to say something along the lines of, "are you fucking crazy???".

Anyway, she went and I didn't think about it until a couple of days later DH asks me, so are we having the dog? I said, what? Are you serious, to which he started saying how much our youngest wants a dog blah blah. I pointed out that he had a snake and didn't care for it, we had to give it to another child of mine in the end.

Anyway, the subject dragged on for a couple of days, I was saying how I didnt want it in my house, I refused to have anything to do with it if they got it etc and after a while it transpired that he'd agreed to go and pick up the dog the next day if I agreed. I said nothing and the next day he called me asking if he was collecting her (the puppy). I went through a long list of reasons why I didnt want it and instead of listening he just rebutted everything I said, saying things like "it'll be ok". (It turned out later that he'd already collected her at this point

He came home with her and my son was delighted, they both agreed they'd do everything for her. I asked hub where her basket/food/blanket/toys, that I assumed he'd bought and he had nothing. I said she'll be hungry FFS. She'll be fine he said.

Obviously, I had to insist that we went out immediately to buy all she needed! So now I'm being dragged in.

He's at work all day and I'm having to make sure shes fed on time (I homeschool, so my son who was adamant he wanted her has to do it), I have to make sure shes toileted to avoid a mess and worse, I now find that I'M the one researching her care. From food to teeth cleaning, from toilet training to behavioural training, anything you can think of, I'm the one that has to do it all and I DON'T WANT A DOG.

Shes really sweet and I'm lovely to her, but I just want her gone. Although she's pretty good with going outside, she's pissed on the carpets twice and just now has shit on the cream lounge carpet. They cleaned it up, but the smell is disgusting.

My hubs mother has been the perfect MIL, but now I just want to wring her crazy neck for even suggesting something so mental while we're moving in and have a big refurb planned.

We waited 2 years for this house and I just can't be bothered any more. I had plans for it and I just want to run away, I don't care if it stays exactly as it is, I feel like the excitement I had for the first two weeks pre-dog has just been snatched away.

Theres dog food in the cupboards, dog bowls on the floor, dog beds in the lounge and my sons room, I can't just go out without thinking about her and her needs and I'll NEVER be able to do that, even when shes grown - she'll be a large, very energetic dog. I'll have to make vets visits, I'll have to have her in my car (yes, I know, properly harnessed etc), shes in the house running around, her treat things are everywhere, she licks me (yes, I know dog people love this, but I'm not one and to be fair I made this really clear to my husband) her teething treats get eaten and although I havent seen mess, I'm aware that the saliva coated stick is being pushed around all over the floor ... idk ... I'm just beyond devastated.

My husband is very experienced with dogs as he was brought up with them in his mental family (yes, I absolutely have changed the way I feel after having this forced upon me) yet I'm the one dealing with it all.

Dont get me wrong, she isn't being mistreated even slightly, I give her attention (she is really sweet) I praise her, I play with her in between lessons, my hub and son take her outside when he gets back from work but I'm just gutted. I've never had a dog and I knew I didnt want one, ever. I've brought up 7 children and I was happy that I'm finally getting some life back and now I have this to deal with.

I'm SO angry.

I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Can anyone offer any advice please, I'm just beyond gutted at the commitment :(

I'd be telling your DH that you will never, never forgive him for deliberately railroading you into a ten year commitment to care for a dog when you'd been clear that you did not want that.

I love dogs. I'd be happy to be a dog slave forever. I have to say, the dog isn't the problem here, you seem to like her and will get over the impact she has on your home and furnishings. The problem is that he has committed you to put her above yourself until she dies. And he hasn't done the same- not prepared for her in any way, and is buggering off to work and leaving her to you.

I'd actually consider going away for a week, leaving the dog and your DC's to your husband. Give him a taste of what he casually did to you.

Going against the grain here.Absolutely adore all dogs! However I realise it should be a joint decision .However he has done a Number on you as your Son will be attached to the pup ,and you will be castigated for getting rid of it . Can you get a dog walker maybe ? I guess DH if used to Animals ,maybe he misses a pet? Really this is a little like having DC it needs to be talked about before marriage really.A crate is a good idea ,and good Kennels if you are away on holiday

The MIL just asked them if they wanted a dog or not. They are adults, they could have just said no. I don’t understand what the MIL did that was so bad. 🤷‍♀️

She asked him and she said no. Dumping it on her will put all that to bed won't it? Won't be asking again will she?

A dog walker really isn't enough to make a difference here. A walker usually charges about £10 or more to take the dog out for 1 hour a day, and walking the dog is the bit that's most fun.

The issue is the other 23 hours a day, the shit and piss in your home, the food, the insurance, the vet bills and visits, for the next 12 years or so.

I say this as someone who loves dogs.... A walker did provide some sanity space for a while, but no way would it cut it when the problem is you just don't want a dog on the first place. Walkers are for when to really want a dog but are having trouble making the logistics work.

I would bet a good chunk of money that your DH predicted your reaction and knowingly put you into a fete accompli so that his view that DS should have the dog (because he grew up in a pet filled home and it is probably unthinkable to him his child wouldn't) he wanted came to pass.. without all that effortful business of discussion and agreement between people with opposing views.
In your shoes I would have been sending the dog away as soon as it arrived and telling my sad son that it is not ok for one half of a couple to take big decisions without agreement and let him look to his dad with his upset.
But I say that as a dog lover and someone whose own teen year commitment has recently come to an end. My dog brought me great joy and I loved him but it is very fresh in my mind exactly what it entails and my reaction to being cornered like that would have been instant. You were ambushed, literally ambushed and quite exactly what you'd got into would have dawned somewhat slower, cos though you know you don't want what a dog entails, the nitty gritty and daily grind would have been slightly more foggy.
He is relying on your kindness not to make the dog suffer for this, because for you to push back on this would be to let the dog be neglected unless he was conscientiously sorting it out.
How you recover from the fury of this I have no idea. By the end of the ten+ years I would be seething with resentment.
I bet every time he sees you playing with the dog and contributing to its being reared into a nice family pet he feels vindicated.

@gamerchick

The MIL just asked them if they wanted a dog or not. They are adults, they could have just said no. I don’t understand what the MIL did that was so bad. 🤷‍♀️

She asked him and she said no. Dumping it on her will put all that to bed won't it? Won't be asking again will she?

Well, the way I read it, the MIL asked the husband and he said yes. I don’t think the MIL actually spoke to the OP about it. Maybe I misunderstood though. I think the issue here is 100% with the husband. I still don’t think the MIL did anything wrong here.

This is so shitty and disrespectful of your husband. And you are stuck between scylla and charybdis here, regardless of what you do. I just want to say that when I was 5ish my DM rehomed a puppy she had got us after a few months, and that traumatised me and that memory has stuck with me for over 30 years.

Boxers are absolutely lovely dog but can be hard work - (I've had 4 over the years)

Unless you are 100% committed I would rehome her ASAP.

I'd get up in the morning and as dh is leaving to go to work, hand her to him to take. His dog, his problem to sort.

Set your alarm earlier than dh. Place the ddog and all it will need for the day in his car... Come inside. When he leaves for work lock the door...

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

Set your alarm earlier than dh. Place the ddog and all it will need for the day in his car... Come inside. When he leaves for work lock the door...

People get so silly on MN. You would never do this.

I bloody would...
The dh had no qualms about taking it into the house...
Op needs to get it out.

The problem isn't DH it's DS- I don't know how old he is but OP can't remove the dog without seriously upsetting the son. But if it were me OMG that boy would be cleaning up its poo, washing it's bowls and taking it daily walks - it's good to teach responsibility and that's what I'd do. No tv or games til dog is seen to ( might turn into an asset eventually) . If he and DH want a dogg they can have it.
Stop reassuring us the dog is looked after - it's you we are concerned about with selfish inconsiderate 'loved ones' not the dog.

I hope you are leaving any accidents for dh to clean up. Even if that means stepping over a poo /puddle all day.
He needs to see what he has created....

@HungryHippo11

I know it is my fault, I wasn't strong enough in my no, I think for 2 reasons, 1, I felt selfish saying no and 2,and I think this is mainly the reason - because I never dreamed that he'd just go ahead. I assumed that it would be talked about a lot more before he actually went ahead and got the pup. That's my only defence, sadly.

@PurpleOkapi I agree, its completely incredible that he was so flipping casual with it. His mother feeds her dogs anything though, I mean anything and they all seem to live really long lives. They had to put one down recently because she could hardly walk but she was 17 years old and a few months ago was fine for an old dog.

His mother is VERY casual about everything though, she'll do anything you ask on a whim, no matter how much it puts her out and never complains and although that's nice I can see now that its part of the casual thing. Nothings ever taken seriously.

Yes, I do know that table scraps are bad but with her, it never seems to affect her animals. It's so strange lol

@Sparklfairy You've got that dead right. After me complaining about the poo on the carpet (which, yes, I insisted that he clean up although he suggested that our son do it) he made a comment along the lines of "yes, I know I'll be railroaded into getting rid of her", therefore making ME the villain. I did point out that I was the only one railroaded but honestly, I couldn't be bothered to argue, I just mostly ignored him for the rest of the evening.

Just to say, when he says "get rid", it's not nasty, he knows his mother will take her in because shes a sucker for animals hence why she rarely has less than 7 dogs.

This will drive you barmy, you'll have to insist dog goes back or DH pays and organises a puppy day care whilst he's at work. I can see your point about not being able to leave house without thinking about the dog.

I confess I did this to my husband although he did begrudgingly agree and came with me and kids to pick puppy up, however I was clear I would do all the work- what I knew was DH would adore the puppy and after a few day's he dotes on him!

Your case is different and it's not fair.

@SoosanCarter I'm British but I'm in the USA. My husband is American, my son has dual nationality.

@HungryHippo11Youre dead right, I did homeschool in the UK too and we take holiday whenever we want to and usually out of traditional holidays because most places are less crowded :)

@DulciUke Its funny you say that, last night he hugged me and asked "do you still love me?" ... lol ... it was lighthearted but I half meant it when I replied "no"

And oh my GOSH, that must have been sooooo awful to deal with, I know for sure that I couldn't cope with that!!!! I'm not surprised it caused such immense trouble, how awful

The problem is every time you ‘can’t be bothered to argue’ he thinks he’s getting away with it and the dog is staying.

I don’t see what is so hard about going up to him and saying out right ‘I didn’t want this dog, you know I didn’t want this dog, you need to give the dog back. End of’

@AngelDelightUK Awww, that's soo sad that she pined for him, imagine he knew, he'd feel so bad :(

I'm sorry you had to cope with his death and im sure that your dogs helped you through.

It's not that I dont like her, shes adorable, shes so sweet and she really seems to like me, if she goes now I would definitely cry (I'm a bit pathetic like that) but I just know that no matter how much I like her, I just dont want to deal with it. I've had a lifetime of dealing with children and I don't want any more ties. Shes lovely but I see her as a massive millstone and you're right, boxers are definitely NOT for the faint hearted. We lived with his sister for a while and she had 4 dogs and 2 cats, one of those was a boxer and my son loved her to pieces he played with her constantly. The sister obviously thinks shes a cut above her casual mother, who feeds her long living dogs ANYTHING and she refuses to feed anything but this depressing dried stuff - what makes me laugh is her huge house was an absolute stink hole, it reeked and we had to have at least ten air fresheners to be able to breathe. Whereas the mother she thinks is so lowly has more animals and her house always smells nice and her animals live for ages despite their bizarre diet, they're always happy as well, but the sisters dogs are clearly depressed and I think that's why they got so attached to my son. Just a little side story there lol!

How could he not think to bring home food/toys etc

It shows lack of commitment. My dh once came home with a puppy but he had the common sense to bring everything she needed with him too. Helped we already have a dog so she slotted in nicely.

I love boxer dogs but they are very hyper little puppies.

@toomuchlaundry The breeder is reputable, they know my MIL very well. Both dog parents were there when my husband collected the dog, along with her 6 brothers! All vaxxes are up to date, worming, fleaing things etc (I'm just learning now) she gave my hub a stack of papers with all the details which I haven't really read.

She had to move unexpectedly quickly and so she contacted people she knew well, mostly people she'd already dealt with in the past and trusted to get the pups into good homes.

I can see it sounds dodgy, but it really isn't!