Help! Hub brought dog home - so angry

[WeatherwaxOrOgg]

Hi,

We've just moved to a new house 2 weeks ago. My husbands family are obsessed with animals. His sister has 5 horses that she cant really afford (her house is falling into disrepair) and several dogs. His other sisters have horses, dogs and cats and his mother has 7 dogs, several cats and a few horses. I, however, although I love seeing his mothers animals when we visit, am NOT an animal person.

I've always said that while I love the animals, I CBA to put the time into dealing with an animal and I dont want messes and stains or food bowls in the house.

Anyway, 2 weeks into moving into a new house, my DHs mother calls asking if we want a Boxer puppy. Apparently a breeder she knows was moving house and needed to shift a litter quickly, as she knows his mother she was fine with giving us a pup. I heard the call as it was on speaker and laughed as I gazed around at all the boxes and piles of clothes etc. that happen when you move, I expected him to say something along the lines of, "are you fucking crazy???".

Anyway, she went and I didn't think about it until a couple of days later DH asks me, so are we having the dog? I said, what? Are you serious, to which he started saying how much our youngest wants a dog blah blah. I pointed out that he had a snake and didn't care for it, we had to give it to another child of mine in the end.

Anyway, the subject dragged on for a couple of days, I was saying how I didnt want it in my house, I refused to have anything to do with it if they got it etc and after a while it transpired that he'd agreed to go and pick up the dog the next day if I agreed. I said nothing and the next day he called me asking if he was collecting her (the puppy). I went through a long list of reasons why I didnt want it and instead of listening he just rebutted everything I said, saying things like "it'll be ok". (It turned out later that he'd already collected her at this point

He came home with her and my son was delighted, they both agreed they'd do everything for her. I asked hub where her basket/food/blanket/toys, that I assumed he'd bought and he had nothing. I said she'll be hungry FFS. She'll be fine he said.

Obviously, I had to insist that we went out immediately to buy all she needed! So now I'm being dragged in.

He's at work all day and I'm having to make sure shes fed on time (I homeschool, so my son who was adamant he wanted her has to do it), I have to make sure shes toileted to avoid a mess and worse, I now find that I'M the one researching her care. From food to teeth cleaning, from toilet training to behavioural training, anything you can think of, I'm the one that has to do it all and I DON'T WANT A DOG.

Shes really sweet and I'm lovely to her, but I just want her gone. Although she's pretty good with going outside, she's pissed on the carpets twice and just now has shit on the cream lounge carpet. They cleaned it up, but the smell is disgusting.

My hubs mother has been the perfect MIL, but now I just want to wring her crazy neck for even suggesting something so mental while we're moving in and have a big refurb planned.

We waited 2 years for this house and I just can't be bothered any more. I had plans for it and I just want to run away, I don't care if it stays exactly as it is, I feel like the excitement I had for the first two weeks pre-dog has just been snatched away.

Theres dog food in the cupboards, dog bowls on the floor, dog beds in the lounge and my sons room, I can't just go out without thinking about her and her needs and I'll NEVER be able to do that, even when shes grown - she'll be a large, very energetic dog. I'll have to make vets visits, I'll have to have her in my car (yes, I know, properly harnessed etc), shes in the house running around, her treat things are everywhere, she licks me (yes, I know dog people love this, but I'm not one and to be fair I made this really clear to my husband) her teething treats get eaten and although I havent seen mess, I'm aware that the saliva coated stick is being pushed around all over the floor ... idk ... I'm just beyond devastated.

My husband is very experienced with dogs as he was brought up with them in his mental family (yes, I absolutely have changed the way I feel after having this forced upon me) yet I'm the one dealing with it all.

Dont get me wrong, she isn't being mistreated even slightly, I give her attention (she is really sweet) I praise her, I play with her in between lessons, my hub and son take her outside when he gets back from work but I'm just gutted. I've never had a dog and I knew I didnt want one, ever. I've brought up 7 children and I was happy that I'm finally getting some life back and now I have this to deal with.

I'm SO angry.

I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Can anyone offer any advice please, I'm just beyond gutted at the commitment :(

@Kanaloa Yes, you're right of course but the problem was my son ran out to the car to greet his dad and there was the puppy waiting for him, it was my son that made me be less strident than I should have been with my no's.

It was just sprung on me really. I was shocked that he'd gone ahead and got the pup when we hadn't properly talked it through. Seeing my sons joy at seeing her, really threw me off my guard.

The problem with rehoming her is that I'll be the forever villain, it's very difficult.

Get back in touch with this reputable breeder right now and get them to take puppy back or pass him into someone else on their waiting list. That would be the right thing to do.

Honestly OP, just throw the forever the villain bit back at your DH, it’s him that caused this.

@Knittingupastorm The problem is the obvious joy of my son, he loves her to pieces. His aunt, who we lived with for a while, had a boxer and 3 other dogs and he got SO attached to that boxer.

I've been put in an impossible situation really. I feel like all joy has been sucked out of life - not that the little girl isnt adorable, she really is - but just that I dont want this responsibility, sadly.

@Kollamoolitumarellipawkyrollo You are actually right, I didn't say a firm no, I just cited all the downsides as you said them in your post BUT that was because I didn't think in a million years that in a new home with boxes and stuff absolutely everywhere and with a major refurb coming up, that we were at the point of actually bringing one home.

So yes, I was adamant that I didnt want a dog, but I didn't say "we're not having a dog, no, never" or words like that because I thought we were still in the discussion phase, I thought my reasons for not wanting one might make him see the reality of dog ownership.

Does that make sense?

It was maybe 2 days since his mother called saying that 7 pups were available, we were talking, I didn't think that this would happen in the way it did. In fact, he was asking me on the phone what I thought about it KNOWING that he already had her in the car with him.

It's a nightmare. All I can see are the years stretching out ahead where im now responsible for a whole little life :(

I love doges, we have two, but
The dog does not get full access to the whole house.
You need to keep it in one area.
Never in bedrooms, upstairs, or sitting room.
Tell your husband he grips it up, or the dog is going.
FFS

dogs !

@girlmom21

I did say a firm no, not this week but I was quite firm beforehand, once we knew we were getting our house.

I wasnt firm when the subject of this dog came up because I honestly thought we were in the discussion phase. I thought that my arguments would be considered etc and it would be possible to avoid being the one to say the final no. I've had 7 children and one is at home still, I'm glad to not have toddlers any more, but my last child really wanted a dog and I felt selfish and mean saying no.

So, it's not as cut and dried as it seems, I really didnt say a firm no in the couple of days before she arrived because I really did think we at the discussion stage, it's simply that.

@RunningFromInsanity You're right but my problem is my son who LOVES her. So if I do that, I'll have that on my conscience forever lol. It's a difficult situation. I think oh ok, it's not so bad when I see my son playing with her and then I think of the many years ahead, dealing with a very boisterous dog and I feel sooo depressed.

I have a feeling you will be keeping the puppy

@Kanaloa

Also, as much as people insist dogs are good for kids and they’ll be ‘best friends’ they won’t really, will they? Your child has already got bored with his previous pet and will likely get bored with this one too. He’s not likely to want to be mopping up dog piss every day and walking a dog in the pouring rain, and add to that it’s a big boisterous breed that your husband has already shunted onto you to do all the shit work for.

The last pet was a snake. I think my son expected it to "do" more lol. He used to get it out and play with it a fair bit at first but it just sort of sits on your neck and that's it. A dog is something that loves you and this one is particularly waggy and happy - probably because they're very lively energetic dogs.

I get your point though and I'm worried he'll get bored as well.

Idk, if I get rid (she can go to my hubs mother before ppl say I'm mean) I'll be the evil one and if I keep her, I'll be forever gutted.

@timeisnotaline

Drop the dog at mils, say you said no and Dh came home with it anyway, with no food toys food bowls bed or anything, and has strolled off to work leaving you to care for a puppy as well as homeschooling (& working?) and either the dog goes or you do and dh can work out his own homeschooling puppy care and work schedule while you waltz off to enjoy being as selfish as he is.

Despite my anger and distress atm, this made me laugh and to be honest, I'm sorely tempted to do it

It's just my son will be so upset ....

Is that a semi-solution then? "Rehome" her to MIL and DS can visit? Thats as much of a win win as you can hope for here?

@PuppyMonkey

Honestly OP, just throw the forever the villain bit back at your DH, it’s him that caused this.

Ahhh I know, he HAS caused this, maybe its partly my fault as some people have said for not saying a flat no, but I honestly though we were at the discussion stage, I thought I could persuade him.

I suppose the breeder would take her back, but I think its more realistic to take her to my MILs.

The problem is my son, I know it would break his heart now, she sleeps next to his bed in her bed and he gets up earlier than he used to to toilet and feed her. She sits under his desk during the day while he does schoolwork etc. He takes her out to play outside in his breaks.

Im just torn apart tbh. Either way it's a lose :(

I wouldn't care about being the villain to your DH, its your son I'm concerned about. But you could gently say puppy is going to live with MIL because moving/decorating and its not fair on the puppy with all the disruption. She'll have dog friends to play with and he can visit all the time etc? He could still think of it as his dog in a way if you spin it right and no one loses? Apart from maybe MIL

@Originally

OP, you urgently need some assertiveness training.

I read all your posts, thank you for your replies. I'm tempted to drop her at MILs.

It's not really that I'm not assertive, I'm am usually quite strong willed, the problem here was that I knew my son wanted a dog and I wasnt sure what to do, knowing that I didnt want one sooo much. The thing im saying to defend my apparent dithering is that I thought we were discussing it. I had no idea that the firm NO point had been reached, I was trying to persuade him that we aren't really ready for that type of commitment without being a complete bitch about it. I wish I had now and from that point you're right.

But like I said, I thought we were still at the discussion stage, even when he had her in the car (I wasnt aware) I was giving him all the negatives on the phone, too much work, too big of a tie, too much mess, I dont like the smell, the huge cost of vet care etc, I was innocently discussing it, not knowing that the little pup was bombing her way towards me!

My son would have been happy with a cat, he told me that.

But it's so hard to give her away how that he loves her so much.

I think the MIL thing might be an option though and my son can still see her.

I agree that it would be very hard to send the dog back.

However, you can do one thing and it’s to give the responsibility back to your DH. You said you wouldn’t look after her. So STOP.

Tell him he needs to feed her, walk her etc… and he needs to manage that around his work. Not assume you will do it.
Eg I would tempted to have a solution where puppy goes in the garden for a wee/poo when you are at home with her but HE is the one who has to clean up every evening.

Ask him to organise the food, sort out what is needed, the vet, the carpet cleaner etc….

He has railroaded you to have a dog but in the top of it, he is also giving up his responsibility AND you are embracing it rather than rejecting it.

FWIW, I’d also have a chat with him about his behaviour and how he broke your trust and still is. I think he has a lot of grovelling to do.

FWIW, I suspect that your DH will be on board with dropping said puppy at his mum once he has to actually DO all (or 90%) of the work….

Yes he has grown up with dogs around him. It doesnt mean he ever had the full responsibility for one.

I'm not sure how long the dog has been with you, sounds like your son has a strong bond now, and while your DH is an utter twat for taking this approach (just cos you didn't give a firm no doesn't mean you weren't clear! You never said yes!!) you have some responsibility for the fact that the reversal of the twat move wasn't swift. This makes getting rid of the dog and leaving your son bereft less clear cut now.
Whatever you decide, make it quick and be clear to all involved what the truth of this situation is.
Your DH has a lot of sorry to find! The twat move and the shite shirking of the responsibility he brought home!!

Well if you’re planning on keeping it remind your husband that he was aware you weren’t willing to do any dog care. Every time he goes out anywhere ask what’s happening with the dog, who will be caring for it while he’s at work/out? Who will feed and toilet it? Let him do the work he made for himself.

Could DH drop puppy at DM on route to work and collect on way home?

So your now stuck with a dog and your Dh swans off to work leaving you with it all day. Your so passive I am shocked as I would have lost it being placed in that position. So what will you do when he doesn’t bother with the dog or taking it out or feeding it and your DC loses interest? Sounds like you would suck it up and do everything so when your DH brings another creature home he hasn’t fully discussed with you as a dog should have been a whole
house decision you have set up a rod for your own back

Oh OP
Your DH behaved appallingly no doubt about that, all I would say is that what you read online/hear from other people isn’t always the reality so if you are going to keep the pup (it sounds to me like you are veering more towards this because if your DS) try not to worry about the dog being hard work and a terrible tie and a source of stress.

Boxers have a reputation for being really wild and boisterous yes, but this one may not be.

I have a breed with a ‘difficult’ reputation but actually she is no trouble in the house at all; doesn’t bark, isn’t destructive, friendly, sleeps all day etc.
It might all work out absolutely fine.

Some of the things you mentioned you were worried about are easily fixed, a strong ‘doggy’ smell for example is often down to diet so feed a really good quality diet and she might smell fine.
Try and stay positive

@icklekid

Can the dog go with dh to work? That’s the biggest problem he needs to answer if you are going to step back. If you’re homeschooling it’s not surprising that your ds looking after the fog means you will too unless he’s gone for a bit - which might give you the break it sounds like you need

I'm tempted to ask him this tbh!

@Mummyoflittledragon

My husband is veer experiences with dogs

He clearly isn’t. He didn’t even bother to attend to its basic needs, let alone plan for training. Can you drop the dog at your mil’s or Sil’s place and say you don’t want it? Either one of them can deal with it seeing as they’re such animal fanatics.

I cannot believe how stupid your husband is or how you can still believe he’s experienced with dogs for it sounds as though he’s never cared for or trained one. The dog is a boxer ffs. Known to be incredibly energetic dogs and highly destructive if they don’t get plenty of exercise and mental stimulation.

You clearly don’t want the dog. Are you actually equipped to care for her and train her? Boxers don’t make good pets for inexperienced or unwilling owners.

OK, well when I say experienced, I mean that his family have always had multiple dogs at a time (never less than 4+) and many large breeds which he always had to shoulder a fair burden of care. He even used to have to feed and clean out the horses every day before and after school for many years, something which he really resents now (so you think he'd understand).

Two of his family have boxers atm, one a female had lots of training to make sure she understood her place in the family but the male boxer, he hasnt been trained at all. We've lived in both of those houses and with the boxers and my son loved them to pieces.

I think its his mothers casual approach that has led to this, as I say she has 7 dogs atm (several horses and cats as well) and she doesn't even feed them properly balanced foods, just anything they want yet bizarrely they all seem to live for ages without problems and are all affectionate and not unruly (at all) dogs. They rush out to meet us when we arrive and are just lovely and always seem to be really happy. She's a sucker for rescues and has even had pitbulls in the past (I'm English but in the USA - shes American). She doesn't follow any rules and they never seem to need vet care for serious illnesses, they live to be really old. The great dane was my husbands dog, he had her for years as a child, he left the USA and 14 years later she was still alive, I'm not sure how old she was but it was OLD.

Even the horses rarely need special care apart from normal things like a farrier etc.

So, my guess is that he gets his lassez-faire attitude from that.

Yes, I am tempted to give her to the MIL to be honest.