The funniest error ever...do I win a prize?

[Olivetti]

A colleague emailed me, complaining about a junior colleague's behaviour. Her main sin, apparently, is "acting like a total Pre-Madonna".

A colleague of mine used to refer to dealing with things in one foul swoop. I always imagined a dirty protest.

Apologies for the slight hi-jack, but I found the following while internet browsing today. It must have been written by a pedant, who probably needed some gin paracetamol after this valiant effort:

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Allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong.

In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen, true virtues are a blessing in the skies. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking something very valuable for granite. So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there. Although there is some merit to what you are saying it seems like you have a huge ship on your shoulder. In your argument you seem to throw everything in but the kids Nsync, and even though you are having a feel day with this I am here to bring you back into reality. I have a sick sense when it comes to these types of things. It is almost spooky, because I cannot turn a blonde eye to these glaring flaws in your rhetoric. I have zero taller ants when it comes to people spouting out hate in the name of moral righteousness. You just need to remember what comes around is all around, and when supply and command fails you will be the first to go.

Make my words, when you get down to brass stacks it doesn't take rocket appliances to get two birds stoned at once. It's clear who makes the pants in this relationship, and sometimes you just have to swallow your prize and accept the facts. You might have to come to this conclusion through denial and error but I swear on my mother's mating name that when you put the petal to the medal you will pass with flying carpets like it?s a peach of cake.

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I have had students tell me that demand curves shit and the long term unemployed are unable to wank.

DD was once informed on her kit list for guide camp that
"Willies" were essential.

Me, talking about some friends 'Chris, which Piss?'
Me, explaining at uni 'Polyphemus was a horrible monstible'
DD1 (6yrs) asking 'what's squash?' (the sport), me explaining, she says 'Oh, with the funny ball with the fanny round it!' (shuttlecock!)
DD1 (aged 3) hearing Dad swear, repeats it 'F*k sake', I explain that's a very bad word which only Daddy says when he's in the car. Cue DD1 'Daddy, did you have a f*k in the car?'
I was rivetted listening to the door to door salesman talking about the 'electric city' until I eventually realised he meant 'electricity'!
My nephew explaining about the Titanic 'It was sunk by an ice cube!'
DD2 (3) always refers to her 'oboes' instead of elbows.
And finally the tea lady talking about her 'hyena hernia' (I bet that was no laughing matter!)

My nan always calls the chimney a chimley, she spells it that way too

My daughter has 'armbows' instead of elbows. She is only three, though, so I'll allow that one.

Also had an argument with my ex once over his use of 'upmost' instead of utmost. He was totally convinced utmost wasn't a word, and that I'd made it up.

My gran - "It was those pesky juvenile witnesses at the door again"
and another of her classics - " I like your blouse, what's it made of?" then dives down the back of my neck to read label "ah, 50% cotton, 50% polystyrene, nice!"

My brother's ex-mil was horrified that the GP said she was 'obeast'.

My (rather unworldly 18-at-the-time) OH was asked at an interview to be a glass collector in a pub what was his sexuality. He paused a little so the guy said "would you consider yourself homeosexual, bisexual or heterosexual" - OH, thinks for a minute - in his head he is thinking "well bi means two so I guess that's right" so confidently declares that he is, like most people, bisexual.
Potential boss pointed out that generally people would say most people are heterosexual. OH still blushes when he think about it now.

He also, when we moved to Ireland, was getting used to the local lingo and cheerfully asked his colleague "How's your crack?" rather than "What's the craic?"!

A CV I read last week:

"I worked at the factory until I got laid".

Meaning laid off???

My husbands (now deceased) grandmother once answered a crossword question:

Q) An octopus has 8 of these

A) - E - T - C - - -

You guessed it, the answer she'd written in was testicles, lucky octopus!

My BIL told me he had an allergy to de-rodent recently DSIS and I burst out laughing and he stomped off in a huff.

When I was a waitress, a colleague took an order for a jacket potato with coleslaw which she wrote down as 'jacket - cold'.

The customer was a bit perplexed as to why she received a plain, cold potato instead of the warm, coleslaw-topped one she had ordered.

Can I ask how do you pronounce sachet?

DH and the ILs say satch-et, I've always said sashay. Thank you.

My DH ate coldslaw for years ... he also thought there was a tv presenter called Anchor Rice.

I say sashay