The funniest error ever...do I win a prize?

[Olivetti]

A colleague emailed me, complaining about a junior colleague's behaviour. Her main sin, apparently, is "acting like a total Pre-Madonna".

Hahaha... and breathe!!

I will never be able to look at a dado without chortling again!
My mind is still boggling and I keep giggling - have woken DH and been told that some people have to go to work ...

In a shop last week, someone was asking if they were "illegible for an upgrade?".

Just found this thread. So funny.

My mum has a close friend (Greek) called Iphigenia - pronounced "If-ige-en-aya".

For my whole childhood I called her "If-a-vagina".

Oops.

My mil says, "she'll get her Just Derserves".

My BIL loves a full English breakfast, particularly the harsh browns.

My dd is ten year old vegetarian , I overheard a mum at school asking her if she ate cheese and eggs, dd replied ' yes , I'm not a virgin ' oops

Proposals for project I was working on received a mixed response from the local community. The obnoxious, precocious 17 year old community councillor wrote to us demanding a pubic enquiry.

Oh, my ribs!

It reminds me of my younger sisters' school friend who was somewhat prone to the odd malaprop...

After a holiday to Spain, she proudly described how she had tried squid for the first time, but she "...didn't eat the testicles..."

On the occasion of her eighteenth birthday, when asked what she would be wearing to her party, she described a beautiful dress with matching chihuahua (tiara).

Bless.

my mother gets excited about her trip to Mataland! She asked me tonight to get her some more coldslaw to go with her pizza. Both make me cringe when it's said with a very somerset accent. I do correct her but she still insists on pronouncing it this way. And for some reason she thought SWEB was pronounced Schreiber [both now defunct, but I remember telling her off aged about 7]

I've seen an application form including '... height standards of accuracy'

I'm nomulating this for Classicals...

Lady showing a friend round the house she later bought.
Opens door with a flourish "as you see the dinning room has a beautiful parakeet floor"
The room did indeed have a lovely polished parquet floor

ExMIL when talking about speeding drivers on country roads said " i mean can you imagine the compact of hitting someone at that speed?"

oh and EXp used to whinge about how his love for me was unconditional because apparently i didn't love him the same as he loved me. it took a long time before he would accept that he didn't actually mean unconditional but unrequited.

My dad and big bro having a quiet conversation one lunchtime when I was about 9, while mum, younger bro and I were having another conversation. Big bro looks over at me and mutters to dad "So, Jux is a virgin?" to which I reply indignantly that indeed I am not. Dad and bro find this hilarious and tell me I am. I insist that I am not

I hadn't the faintest idea what it meant.

poor jux.

i remember when i first started seeing exp he was 16 and his dsis was 7/8. he had his 17th soon after and his dsis told her teacher that her dbro wasn't a virgin anymore. turned out she had been watching hocus pocus and thought that all 16 year old boys were virgins and once they were 17 they weren't.

My ex-flatmate used to refer to 14th Feb as valentimes day. Did she never see it written down??

What about "Pantomines"? We have loads of them up our way.

You get corrected if you subtly utter the correct fucking word

I'm suddenly reminded of the time a colleague emphatically branded me "r right pendant".

Had to bite my tongue on that one, whilst I choked to death on the inside.

Aged about 10, in (Irish catholic) primary school, the teacher asks if what a woman who never gets married is called.
No-one knows the answer and then have a brainwave thinking about how Mary wasn't married when she became pregnant with Jesus so I say "virgin".
Cue sniggering from much of the class and the teacher saying it was a good try.
I had to look "virgin" up in the dictionary (in secret at home, embarrassed and curious!)
I still maintain I was right in the context of what "should" be according to an Irish Catholic upbringing!

My mum says 'one foul swoop' and that she's 'chuff' when something good happens

My dd enjoys it when she gets a day off school for an 'insect day'

And my nan regularly serves us 'qwish' (quich)

My friend regularly calls Roald Dhal Ronald Dhal then gets all cross when I correct her - I've stopped now.

My dad likes eating magnets (magnums)

DH once wrote about coy carp.

MIL once pranged her car on a concrete bollock.