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Original poster

How to politely inform parent that sibling is not invited?

251 replies

ConstantlyConfusedMama · 03/08/2023 09:44

Hi everyone,

Possibly a bit of a contentious topic, but here goes…

We sent out invites for our youngest’s birthday party and on the invites we wrote each child’s name.

One of the parents replied to me quoting both of their children’s names and saying “they” had received the invitation and “they” would love to come to the party.
I found it a bit rude as it wasn’t even like they asked whether they could bring the other child. Also, I am aware that the other child is disruptive and honestly, I just don’t want them spoiling my child’s party.

So, I now have to think of a polite (but assertive) way to reply stating that the sibling is not invited - any idea how to word it?!

OP posts:
JenWillsiam · 05/08/2023 07:48

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 04/08/2023 22:47

Soft play can cost £30 pp, inviting 5 of hers who aren't friends costs £150, and if her 1+5 are allowed, then others' should be allowed to.
Where it isn't cost per head, entertainers will also often have limits or the other issues.
And all the other concerns and issues it would cause.

Show quote history

Why are you telling me this?

MrsGtotheMax · 05/08/2023 09:13

PragmaticWench · 03/08/2023 09:49

Unfortunately we can't include siblings for this party but we're looking forward to [named child] joining us.

Perfect x

BlueVixen · 05/08/2023 09:26

This post made me smile. My DD's birthday is in the height of summer and we were lucky enough to have a swimming pool at the time. We invited the whole class, boys and girls, but there was always one Mum who would always turn up at drop off with the younger sister of the invited along too. She would then linger long enough to expectantly wait for a "Oh, why doesn't 'sister' stay" (as, by now she had already joined in the fun) and then bugger off home without her two daughters. This was a common occurrence at class parties. The girl in question was easy to 'look after' so neither of us Mum's made a fuss. The biggest smile was when, on asked whether 'sister' would like to stay for the swim party, the Mum whipped out a swimming cossie, hat and sun cream for her youngest!! Lots of knowing smiles round the table. The only bit that rankled was that this Mum always refused to accept siblings to her own daughters parties!!! CF!

Hannahsbananas · 05/08/2023 09:36

JenWillsiam · 05/08/2023 07:48

Why are you telling me this?

Show quote history

Because you can’t understand why siblings are being “excluded” Confused
Do try to keep up…

JenWillsiam · 05/08/2023 09:55

Hannahsbananas · 05/08/2023 09:36

Because you can’t understand why siblings are being “excluded” Confused
Do try to keep up…

Show quote history

No, that isn’t the point I made. I am talking about the fact that the original kid is no longer invited because no one has the nerve to confront mum.

DiscoDee · 05/08/2023 12:17

I always write in small print on birthday invites “unfortunately due to numbers, we can not accommodate siblings”

T1Dmama · 05/08/2023 14:48

I never understand why parents of multiple children feel entitled to bring their other child(ren) to parties…. A babe in arms of-course…. But once they’re running around and expect to sit and eat the party food and get a party bag!! Not a chance!!
ive had friends that have parties at places like ball parks, then other parents have paid for siblings to get in which is fine, when food comes siblings sit outside with food bought by their parents while the party children go in a different room… that’s fine… but to turn up at a house or hall is very cheeky!
My daughter once had a party and invited all the girls in her class and some from the others in her year…. Not a single girl declined the invite and & no one turned up with a sibling…. I’ve no idea how this has suddenly become such a common thing for people to think is acceptable!?!
How many children people have shouldn’t have to be factored into party size/cost.

T1Dmama · 05/08/2023 15:00

JenWillsiam · 05/08/2023 09:55

No, that isn’t the point I made. I am talking about the fact that the original kid is no longer invited because no one has the nerve to confront mum.

Show quote history

Maybe because if she’s cheeky enough to think she can bring 3 uninvited kids to a party AND steal food she’s probably not the nicest of people..
while it’s sad not to invite the child, you can’t honestly say you would this type of mother to a party… it’s not like you can stand on the door and refuse her and the other 3 kids entry!! No one wants that sort of hassle at their kids party…

JenWillsiam · 05/08/2023 15:15

T1Dmama · 05/08/2023 15:00

Maybe because if she’s cheeky enough to think she can bring 3 uninvited kids to a party AND steal food she’s probably not the nicest of people..
while it’s sad not to invite the child, you can’t honestly say you would this type of mother to a party… it’s not like you can stand on the door and refuse her and the other 3 kids entry!! No one wants that sort of hassle at their kids party…

Show quote history

As I’ve already said if she has form I would message in advance and yes I would say something when she arrived, I have done.

LT1982 · 06/08/2023 14:39

Bevause their name wasn't on the invitation, that's why

myladybelle · 07/08/2023 04:51

I'm very surprised by all these replies. In my area it is the norm for siblings to come. At the last party I threw I think almost everyone came with siblings. And I certainly always take my two regardless of who is invited. But it's really the norm in my area. I think the whole "only chosen child" is very sad personally but it's clear it's the norm most places.

Loopylooni · 07/08/2023 06:31

@myladybelle I would say that would work with a home party but how would that work if parents are paying per head.

DiscoDee · 07/08/2023 08:44

If you’re having the whole class of say, 20 kids and then all bring at least one sibling. You’re potentially looking at a party of 50
kids! The cost and logistics would be 😣

JusthereforXmas · 07/08/2023 08:51

myladybelle · 07/08/2023 04:51

I'm very surprised by all these replies. In my area it is the norm for siblings to come. At the last party I threw I think almost everyone came with siblings. And I certainly always take my two regardless of who is invited. But it's really the norm in my area. I think the whole "only chosen child" is very sad personally but it's clear it's the norm most places.

Are you sure its the 'norm' or are you the unaware entitled CF... its more likely to be that latter given all the posts you have acknowledged.

I have hosted kids parties for 15 years, it is NOT the norm to bring siblings.

One family always did but they at least had the respect to ASK and to pay their own way. Plus their kids where older and well behaved and usually entertained themselves out of the way and never expect party bags/cake etc... So even if you see other siblings there they probably either asked and/or where invited themselves.

Occasionally someone has asked to bring a baby along, once again no issue but they have asked and a baby isn't joining in.

Its NEVER acceptable to self invite uninvited people, if you are invited to a co-workers wedding do you think it entitles you to invite your sister?

You likely have a reputation as the cheap one who shows up whole family on toe to crash a party.

Hannahsbananas · 07/08/2023 11:00

I think the whole "only chosen child" is very sad personally but it's clear it's the norm most places
You get that the invited, not chosen, child is the birthday child’s actual friend, don’t you?!
It’s not a question of names being drawn out of a hat and the child drawn being a completely random event?

Bunnycat101 · 07/08/2023 11:54

I would very much also say bigger isn’t better for parties. 4/5 year olds often get totally overwhelmed. The behaviour seems to get more wild if lots of mix of ages around with siblings. Worse party we went to was a bouncy castle one when there were about 10 siblings 3-4 years older. There were so many tears as they older ones ran a bit riot and weren’t careful enough of the little ones.

myladybelle · 07/08/2023 15:59

@JusthereforXmas haha yes Im sure Im not a CF! I have been to many parties and there are always lots of siblings. And I've hosted such parties with siblings too... Honestly I'd say 99% of parties here are in someone's garden with a cake. It would be really weird for anyone to say "numbers" can't be accommodated.

JusthereforXmas · 07/08/2023 16:19

myladybelle · 07/08/2023 15:59

@JusthereforXmas haha yes Im sure Im not a CF! I have been to many parties and there are always lots of siblings. And I've hosted such parties with siblings too... Honestly I'd say 99% of parties here are in someone's garden with a cake. It would be really weird for anyone to say "numbers" can't be accommodated.

You completely missed the point about just because you see siblings does NOT mean its an open invite right?

Siblings might be invited or have been pre-approved but its not the same as just assuming and showing up.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 08/08/2023 16:58

myladybelle · 07/08/2023 15:59

@JusthereforXmas haha yes Im sure Im not a CF! I have been to many parties and there are always lots of siblings. And I've hosted such parties with siblings too... Honestly I'd say 99% of parties here are in someone's garden with a cake. It would be really weird for anyone to say "numbers" can't be accommodated.

Well of course that is different, as has been acknowledged upthread, although if I am inviting eight 5 year olds to my house, I am not sure I want random extra 3 year olds there. Or even 7 year olds.

But most parties tend to be in soft play venues or swimming pools/leisure centres etc and you pay per head or for a set number. If I am paying for ten kids, I am not going to accept another five random siblings.

GUARDIAN1 · 10/08/2023 17:59

We had this issue a couple of months ago. Daughter booked a soft play party and the mum of one of the children RSVP'd that both her kids would love to come. My granddaughter was 6 on her birthday and all the others were aged 5 or 6. This woman's older daughter is nearly 11. My daughter explained she had booked the maximum allowed for the party and said if the mum wanted the older child to come, she would need to buy her a separate ticket. Also the 'party kids' get a Burger King meal in with the cost, so she would need to buy her a separate meal.

In fact, it's doubtful the older child would have been allowed in, due to height restriction. My daughter mentioned this.

The outcome was that neither of those children came, which was a shame, but obviously the mum's decision.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 13/08/2023 22:27

I'm very surprised by all these replies. In my area it is the norm for siblings to come.

I'm really struggling to see this. As PPs have said, why would you assume that a child is invited to a party when they don't know the birthday child and their name is not on the invitation? If it's just a free-for-all, why bother with invitations at all: just publicise it and allow anybody who wants to to just turn up?

But even if it is the norm anywhere, what arbitrary age limits do you set for siblings? Twins - great; a year or two either way - more manageable. How on earth is it meant to work if you turn up with other kids in tow who are 4, 6, 8 years or whatever older or younger than the age that the party is aimed at? In some families, you'll find school-aged children with much older siblings who have children of their own!

Just mho, but I automatically assume CF if somebody expects to turn up with somebody who has not been invited, and have them take full part, at the expense of the party-child's parents and even go home with a party bag as well! It's awkward enough if the parent pays for the sibling, as it does often change the dynamic - even if the siblings are the same/similar age where one is known by the party child and the other not.

QueefQueen80s · 13/08/2023 22:36

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 13/08/2023 22:27

I'm very surprised by all these replies. In my area it is the norm for siblings to come.

I'm really struggling to see this. As PPs have said, why would you assume that a child is invited to a party when they don't know the birthday child and their name is not on the invitation? If it's just a free-for-all, why bother with invitations at all: just publicise it and allow anybody who wants to to just turn up?

But even if it is the norm anywhere, what arbitrary age limits do you set for siblings? Twins - great; a year or two either way - more manageable. How on earth is it meant to work if you turn up with other kids in tow who are 4, 6, 8 years or whatever older or younger than the age that the party is aimed at? In some families, you'll find school-aged children with much older siblings who have children of their own!

Just mho, but I automatically assume CF if somebody expects to turn up with somebody who has not been invited, and have them take full part, at the expense of the party-child's parents and even go home with a party bag as well! It's awkward enough if the parent pays for the sibling, as it does often change the dynamic - even if the siblings are the same/similar age where one is known by the party child and the other not.

As has been said many times, a lot of the time it's the party hosts who state they are welcome. In my area it is the norm as many parties are in parish halls etc

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 13/08/2023 23:03

As has been said many times, a lot of the time it's the party hosts who state they are welcome. In my area it is the norm as many parties are in parish halls etc

Then if they're invited, there's clearly no issue.

QueefQueen80s · 14/08/2023 00:09

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 13/08/2023 23:03

As has been said many times, a lot of the time it's the party hosts who state they are welcome. In my area it is the norm as many parties are in parish halls etc

Then if they're invited, there's clearly no issue.

But your whole post is arguing against it even if it's the norm in many places.
No-one is disagreeing that this woman is taking the piss by just assuming and forcing the hosts hand.
But there's been loads of posters on here arguing that it can't be a thing to have siblings there as standard, when many of us are saying it is where we are.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 14/08/2023 00:19

But your whole post is arguing against it even if it's the norm in many places.

I was arguing against the assumption, without the host saying that siblings are welcome; or, maybe if you do happen to live somewhere where it is somehow universally understood that "Olivia is invited" means "Olivia, Eva, Jack, Charlie, Holly, Henry and James are invited".

Even if it IS the norm, wouldn't you still just ask, to confirm, even if completely expecting the answer to be "Yes, of course"? Like if you're visiting somebody's home and you ask if you could use their toilet - they're obviously not going to say No, but it's still polite.