How to politely inform parent that sibling is not invited?

[ConstantlyConfusedMama]

Hi everyone,

Possibly a bit of a contentious topic, but here goes…

We sent out invites for our youngest’s birthday party and on the invites we wrote each child’s name.

One of the parents replied to me quoting both of their children’s names and saying “they” had received the invitation and “they” would love to come to the party.
I found it a bit rude as it wasn’t even like they asked whether they could bring the other child. Also, I am aware that the other child is disruptive and honestly, I just don’t want them spoiling my child’s party.

So, I now have to think of a polite (but assertive) way to reply stating that the sibling is not invited - any idea how to word it?!

I had someone do this - asked to bring their older two (ages 9 and 11!) to my sons 4th birthday party. I told them sorry but no, just the 4 year old the invite was addressed to - the woman then brought the older boys anyway and they sat in the ball pit, flinging balls around the room, running riot and generally hating their time at a pre-schoolers party! My DH was livid and asked the boys to wait in the lobby where the party was being hosted. The mum couldn’t care less how disruptive her boys were. I’ve never invited the boy again - he wound up punching my DS and another boy in the face and was really awfully behaved!

True, I know, the same way you all knew that parents are supposed to stay and supervise and I didn't get it 😁

@Hannahsbananas I don't understand your post sorry.

These threads come up so frequently. A couple of points - after the age of four or so, it's normal for parents to drop & leave. Parties in a hall, say, where there's more room - can be fun if siblings invited but there needs to be clarification with the parents, or both names on an invitation. Thirdly, my own experience with boy/girl twins is that from about the age of 4 they would have separate friends and go to different parties.

Yeesh some of the replies on this post. Well done OP you were direct polite and effective. Cheeky mum LIED. She absolutely intended for both then awkwardly tried to blame semantics. A party planner myself I always needed specific numbers for food gift bags and pay to play. Did parties at home and at venues still wanted numbers. More the merrier is not for a young child’s birthday. A baby in arms doesn’t count ever…of course baby is coming. I stayed because I wanted to watch my child have fun and be safe and many party parents appreciate an extra hand with food cake drinks clean up. And numbers? What child needs padded numbers at their party? An old rule….your child plus their age of friends …age 3 is 4 guests. Enjoy your party and your birthday child.

@UnicornStarfish True 😊

Actually not 4 guests child plus 3 guests for total of 4.

From the OP's OP:

I am aware that the other child is disruptive and honestly, I just don’t want them spoiling my child’s party.

Oh gooness. Not trying to top trump you@ConstantlyConfusedMama but we actually had wedding invitation acceptance notes like this. WTF: you weren't event invited! Fortunately the CF involved threw a Queenie fit shortly afterwards, and absented themselves and the people who werent actually invited anyhoo* Anway, sometimes people are just CF's or totally oblivious to social norms, or both.

TBH pretty much all the parties we have been to have invited siblings. Only one had it in a soft play area and they specified no siblings (obviously because of the cost). I really wouldnt be bothered but i do think some parents take the P and assume they can bring the family. I would just say as your first reply said ie really sorry for the misunderstanding but its just invites only/not siblings.

What kind of party are you doing?

I have 4 year old twins and between mine and my partners jobs most weekends there is 1 parent looking after them both as well as our 11 year old - my twins have been invited to separate parties from pre-school before and I take only the one that's invited however luckily there friends parents are helpful and understanding when it's difficult, as we would are in return.

Once when I had no one to watch the other (at a soft play - it was all boys from my sons football team) I paid for his sister to come in and play and brought her a meal while he played with his friends and the parents were fine with this - Similarly at my children's parties parents often message to say they have no childcare for a sibling and they are going to book them in separately so the invited child can still come - which is no issue.

Another party where my 4 year old daughter was invited (not her twin brother) - she went in with her 11 year old sister while I was with my son in the park outside, and the parents were happy for her to be there with her sister instead of an adult.

There is also the option of another parent attending offering to watch her child if they are closer than you and her, and less busy organising the party.

You are right that you don't need to host an extra child that isn't invited, however I find at school being helpful to other parents when they struggle with childcare/logistics means if i'm ever stuck there are people around who are happy to help

I think a combination of no drop offs and no siblings is tricky as some people don’t have anyone else they can ask to look after the other child unless in an emergency. I did siblings welcome until reception and from reception did drop off/ sorry no siblings

but I agree they should ask and not assume.

I think we can all spot the CF who interprets "Jack is invited to Max's party" as a free for all to bring Jack and his sibling.

Mad CFery, isn't it? If you were to assume that all of Jack's siblings can come to Max's party without an invitation, does that also mean that Max can go to all of Jack's siblings parties?!

That was a pathetic backtrack of hers. I think she was probably hoping to engage OP, rather than the perfect, to-the-point reply she sent:

"It's SOOOO extremely unusual for anybody to be mean enough not to invite BOTH of my kids, I accepted on behalf of them both without thinking!"

Do these people ever set an arbitrary age cut-off? If their sibling is asked out on a date, do they turn up as well; or one sibling is given a job and all of them turn up for work on the first day?!

Fair enough to ask if it might be possible to bring a sibling (paying for them if applicable), or otherwise explaining why when you sadly have to decline; but just breezily 'accepting' what has clearly not been offered is dreadful.

Not the same thing at all, but this reminds me of when Cherie Blair was visiting Australia, accompanying Tony on an official trip, and the owner of a shop she was in suggested that she and her kids might like to take a complimentary item or two. She all but shouted "BACK UP THE TRUCK!" as she swiftly cleared out half of his stock!

Not one of these parents who turn up with uninvited siblings - without even asking in advance - is doing so owing to a misunderstanding of whether an invitation naming one child includes all of them. They all know very well, but they're banking on it being far too awkward for people to turn them away when they turn up en masse.

I'll bet, though, if anybody tried it on with them when they were hosting a party, they wouldn't feel awkward in the least in telling the rest of the family kids to sling their hook.

Some of them are not even just being cheeky, but are actually abusing somebody else's goodwill and even deliberately sabotaging another child's party - the ones who turn up with teenage siblings to a little kids' party. They don't care about the child whose party it is, nor their parents, nor even their own kids, in most cases.

But it's not a drop and go party. OP wants parents to stay and supervise their child as they're preschoolers.

If its in a play centre she could just pay for the other child to go in and play.

Surely people don't leave preschool age kids at a party anyway?

So it is young kids and parents need to stay. Count on much lower numbers of kids coming then if you're okay with that.

That was a response to a previous commenter.

I have the same question as @AccountantMum

I am assuming it's in a playcentre or something similar, not your house?

It's utter CFery from the mum, of course, and you are right in your approach. However, if it's in a soft play or similar, then I would have suggested said child come and mum pays for them to attend; if it was in my house, I would have agreed to drop & go.

The mum has been a CF, of course. But leaving that aside, it's often very difficult how to work out how one child can attend if others require minding. I'm a single mother and when mine were younger would have faced this - though it was never a problem as I was always able to do one of the solutions I suggested above, and no CFery involved. I'd certainly never expect a parent to organise childcare so that their child could attend a party.

Yes, but just pointing out it's not actually an easy or obvious solution.

The easy way around a lot of this is simply, as we read on MN all the time, to use your words.

"Hi Cath, thanks so much for Gary's invitation - he'd love to come; but I'm struggling a bit logistically with what to do with his sister Linda. I'll have to have a think about it, but will let you know ASAP."

That makes it perfectly clear what the issue is, and leaves it completely open for the birthday child's parent to offer to let them bring the sister as well, but without putting her under any pressure at all.

Surely people don't leave preschool age kids at a party anyway?
I do and did just last week. At a play centre as they have their own staff to supervise. No parents are allowed inside except the parents/guardians of the birthday child. Parents can watch from the side or from upstairs but they're not supervising per se. Most leave and then come back to pick up the kids. Some for a drink together, it depends, but we're free to go. These parties usually only last about 3 hours though.
I haven't been to a birthday party "at home" since Covid (I mean for school friends not family ones) but usually it's drop off too. The parents have aunts, grandmas and usually a couple of friends (like godparents or even some of the mums, it's usually a female thing apart from the dad) to help supervise, everybody pitches in.
Over here, it's up to the hosts to sort out supervising. Otherwise the party gets even more expensive with providing food and booze for every single parent that comes. Parents would get together to chat and there'd be no supervising. Parents usually stay for 15 to 30 minutes for the kids to get comfortable (when they're 3 or 4) then they leave quietly.
Houses aren't massive here, it's a city so lots live in apartments. On top of that, I'll be real honest, if it were a party at my house, I wouldn't want a bunch of strange adults in my house. Saying hi to the other parents doesn't make us friends. I know nothing about them.

I have 2 a year a part then another a bit older so for parties I had to stay with youngest I just took all 3 - let the parent know if it was an activity they could play at like soft play paid for them and sat somewhere I could still see the party it could be a bit of a jiggle but I always checked first as my ex was police so when ether one of us had the kids the other was working but anything I couldn’t manage we just had to decline. The younger boys had lots of the same friends so often they’d both be invited and the older 2 I could leave themselves sooner. But I’d never assume I could bring them, v cheeky

More cheeky fuckery