Future MIL wants to invite her friends I don't know to our wedding - do I have to accept her guest demands?

[streetwise]

... they have put £6k towards the wedding costs. Does this mean that we have to have guests that we don't know at the wedding? I'm not going to have any friends from my family's side.

It's a long and convoluted story - but that's the essence of it.

I have a very large family, 4 sisters & 3 brothers & lots of aunts & uncles.

Dh has 1 sister & 1 aunt, so in order for it to be fair at our wedding, I told his parents they should draw up a list of who they wanted to invite to make it a more even number.

His parents invited quite a few couple that I didn't know, but who dh did know. I didn't mind. I think I would have been more offended if she had said she didn't want to ask her friends!!

Also, some of dh's cousins were asked to our wedding as they are really close, but none of mine were asked as I'm not close to mine.

None of my mums friends were asked to the whole wedding as my side was huge, but they cam & partied at night!!

I get what you're saying about the Xmas thing. We were married 4 years before we had dd & every year on the run up to Xmas we had "Oh, I do hop we will have you at Xmas... I hope your parents won't steal you away from us this year" And in fact, every Xmas for the 3 years & the following one when dd was a baby we went to MIL. Over the course of the year we let it be known that when we moved house & dd was 2 we were staying at home all day & they were welcome to come & watch them open gifts & come in the evening for a drink... it worked fine

Thats a nice idea Fred but we are not religious and tbh my dh can't even stand talk of marriage! My PILs got back together and their rocky marriage was a big part of the problem but perversely I think they blame our marriage for the split

i wonder if you can have a civil ceremony to renew vows...?

I have to say that I agree with the suggestions that if the ILs are giving you some money towrds the cost of your wedding, then they should get some say on who they want to invite.

When DH and I got married, we were ruthless, and said - this is how much we are all contributing (we put in the same amount as both sets of parents), so this is how we will split the guest list.

It meant that my parents got to invite some of their close friends (who I had known since a baby, but also some that mum / dad had got close to since I'd left home) as I have a smaller immediate family than dh, the PILs invited only family (many random relatives who I'd never met, despite having been with dh for 6 years before we got married), and we then invited our friends.
That worked well for us ... my ILs can be very manipulative (well, my MIL can), but when we sorted out the seating plans, we made sure that the people we didn;t really know weren't sat right in front of us (that caused some commotion with MIL - she felt that members of her family should be put before people like the ushers and bridesmaids in terms of seating ...

As for Christmas, we used to alternate before ds was born - we live in South Wales, and the ILs live in West Wales, while my Ps used to live in Birmingham - so we did the roadshow.

I couldn't be doing with that anymore after ds was born, so we anounced to everybody that we would invite everybody to our house for Christmas. MIL sulked for 2 years about it - she pouted that she'd never been away from home for Christmas, that it wasn't fair to make her move, that my parents had got my sister so they didn't really need me around too (that one made me !), etc. etc.- but we stood our ground, and eventually she came around, and we've had the last 2 Christmas at our house with both sets of parents, and my sister.

Now that dc#2 is on the way, it's even more important for us that we stay home - I don't fancy packing 2 smalls into the car with all their presents ...

Good luck with both issues - and I have to say that I suggest that it's your dp (dh to be) who should talk to your future MIL about this one - although he will find it very difficult. I will only say that dh found it horribly difficult to talk to his mother like that (she's the kind who puts on the tears / sulks / doesn't speak to us for months about trivial issues) - but having done it once means that he feels more able to do it again.

I do realise you can't change her, but that isn't what I was suggesting. I think you need to come up with a JOINT strategy for dealing with her so it doesn't carry on spoiling important times for you and overshadowing your marriage. It sounds really hard.

Loads of interesting advice and thoughts!

messydrawers - your whole wedding sounds so traumatic! I really feel for you.

ejt1764 - I love your comment about the seating plan!! - sounds SO like my MIL. I know that even if we told her that she could bring whoever she wanted - she would still find fault somehow! I think we're going to sidestep that by not having a top table and just putting us in the centre of the room - I'm going to make sure our mates are right behind us. And likewise for PILs.

I'm trying to develop a sense of humour about the whole thing now. It's really really good to hear how many people have got similar stories.

Streetwise - we did that for our wedding. We had "The Bride and Groom's Table" (my Mum didn't like the label "Top table and tbh, neither did I) in the centre, at which were sat dh and me, my bridesmaid and her dh, the best man and his dw and another clsoe friend, who was acting as MC, and his partner. I've never udnerstood why partners of bridesmaids/best men have to then be spearated from their other halves during the meal.

My Mum and Dad and MIL and PIL were then on Table 1, close to us and with thier closest friends/relatives (eg my aunt from SOuth Africa) at their table and we made sure the other tables around us were those of our closest friends, with the tables close to the "parents'" table being concentrated with their friends.

With circualr tables, it worked out really well.

not read anything but the op but I would say that they are entitled to their own guests if they are paying

We had 130 at our wedding, my parents paid for most of it and ILs contributed the wine. So we had tables of 10, 7 for me and dh, three for my parents and their friends and family and three for the ILs and their friends. We just asked them who they wanted, they did their own seating plans

We had no top table, we just sat with our best mates on our table.

i am never sure why people want to sit with their parents during their own wedding!

you should have seen the programme about India on tv last night - 1000 guests at the wedding! The bridal couple were from Wolverhampton and just chose to get married out there with all the extended families!

I think this is about you feeling bereft because of your own family situation. Fair enough but not fair enough to stop MIL inviting friends. If you can, adjust your mind set so that you view all these people as coming to wish you well rather than seeing them as total strangers.

I can see where you're coming from. Dh's family and their friends made up about half of our wedding, I had onyl met a few of them and his family didn't give us a penny towards it.

How about making it a much much smaller affair - 50 or so guests and having it solely of people close and important to you. Also makes it cheaper If I had my time again this is what I'd do.

You haven't accepted the money yet.

Perhaps it's just me but I would accept the money and refuse the guests. Then make MIL squirm and let her reveal herself to be incredibly petty by withdrawing the offer ...which actually she probably would not do (cackles wickedly)

It's a point of principle for me. If parents or prospective inlaws made an offer of financial help that shoud be a no strings attached generous and loving offer. Otherwise they can shove it up their jacksie