Future MIL wants to invite her friends I don't know to our wedding - do I have to accept her guest demands?

[streetwise]

... they have put £6k towards the wedding costs. Does this mean that we have to have guests that we don't know at the wedding? I'm not going to have any friends from my family's side.

It's a long and convoluted story - but that's the essence of it.

moondog - because I need some help! Not more criticism.... I get enough of that from MIL!

It appears that you are having the big white do, if it's the big white do then to have parents friends invited is very much the norm unles it is the bride & groom paying for their own wedding.

My inlaws helped with our wedding, we agreed a number of friends/family from each side after listing the people that dh and I absolutely wanted, and then I left it to dh and his parents to debate between themselves who they were inviting on their side. Don't really see the problem with letting them invite some people that they wish to share their son's wedding day with, especially if they have given a big chunk of cash.

And if you really feel that your inlaws use money to manipulate you, then make sure refuse it, gratefully but firmly, in the future.

DH and I had a hundred guests (daytime).

We both went away and made a list of fifty each.

I think dh ended up inviting a few more than me but that was cool - he has a bigger family than me- after much umming and erring we compromised and agreed on about a 45/55 split.

Both of us had relatives and parents' friends at the wedding - but because we started out with an equal split to work with it was not a problem.

Both sets of parents contributed towards the wedding and it never crossed my mind to get het up about them having some say in who was invited!

But it does sound to me as if the problem here is more of a deep rooted one regarding your MIL and I think you need to stand back and see this a little more objectively - difficult as it can be!

I think the key thing is do they know your DH? I don't think its unusual not to have a 'balanced' guest list. We let our parents invite whoever they wanted. My parents invited friends. DH's parents invited family - it would have been unfair not to invite DH's cousin just because I wouldn't recognise my cousins if I bumped into them on the street, and it would have been unfair not to invite my parent's friends who have known me since I was small just because DH's parents don't have a matching set of friends.

Incidentally, if DD or DS expect money from us towards their weddings/civil partnerships/whatever, I will certainly want some guest list input!

I haven't read the thread so no idea what anyone else has said.

It's very tricky if she is paying £6K towards your wedding - I think you have to go along with it.

Do the friends know your dp or are they just random friends of MIL?

MIL wanted to invite some couple to our wedding simply because they only lived half an hour away but they hadn't seen dh since he was a baby, never sent cards or anything like that - i.e. not that close friends imo. We said no - we were paying for our wedding and we'd invite who we wanted to. Actually my parents contributed to the cost of the reception and they had 2 couples there that were their friends - although one couple are like my auntie and uncle (see them a lot, exchange cards etc) and the other couple, we'd been to their wedding and the guy was doing the video.

If I were you, to avoid all this - I'd go abroad and have a tiny wedding with just your closest family adn friends.

And if she regularly tries to 'manipulate with money', then you have to refuse it imo.

MaloryTowersHasManners - I'm glad that you've returned to the thread. I'm interested why you want to find fault with somebody who is asking for help. I see it happen a lot on MN.

Gobbledigook - thanks for your input. It's not just money that she uses - but every tactic. She invites us on summer holiday at least 12 months in advance and makes it very tricky for us to say no. Christmases are always decided at least 18 months in advance etc etc.

Yes you do probably have to accept her guest demands, if she is giving you £6k towards your wedding it's probably the least she could expect.
We paid for our own wedding, wanted to do it our way, with no arguments, nothing like this.
My mother in law still got a bit carried away with all the excitement and starting inviting some of her mates to the evening do, which we put a stop to sharpish.
But we could because we were paying.
Especially if your PIL habitually use money to manipulate things, why even consider accepting money towards your wedding. Asking for trouble if they are like that normally I would have thought.
I am sure you could refuse nicely without it being a snub.

I had a smiliar problem with my MIL who wanted to invite everyone she had ever met to my wedding. (NOT kidding) Luckily my parents are quite laid back and didnt mind the eventual 30/70 split that seemed to happen guest wise.

Mind you, I made it clear to my PIL that if they wanted their friends there, then they paid for them!! What is it about weddings that make nice, normal people turn into deranged harpies????

If my ds ever gets married I will give him a cheque and say "get on with it- its your wedding not mine!"

I think that is partially the problem...its the old joke...
"When can you have the wedding of your dreams? When your child gets married!!"

I had a great day, and although it wasnt exactly what I wanted I have very happy memories.

My trouble is that I just cant be bothered arguing over trivialities....who cares if auntie marg isnt invited and never speaks to me again? Who cares if it rains? Who cares if the wine wasnt on the table for the toasts? Not me! I married the man I love and that, after all, is the whole point.

Good luck

Actually I don't think that their paying towards your wedding gives them the right to invite their friends. My parents gave me a house but they didn't tell me how to decorate it. It's MY house just as it is YOUR wedding.

If the friends are well known to DH-to-be, then fair enough, but otherwise I would say 'sorry, but we don't know these people'.

Lots of interesting comments. I'm coming round to thinking that MIL can have whoever she wants there and I'm just going to get on with the day and have a good time. After all - lots of people who don't know us will probably say no anyway. I don't want what's supposed to be a happy day being spoilt with resentment and hostility.

How is it tricky to say no to her holiday suggestions?

Can't you just say 'We don't make plans that far ahead'

I'd go mad if I felt my life was all mapped out like this.

they kinda have you over a barrel - having paid they have expectations...so it is a hard one probably try compromise

my SIL's MIL winged about having her friends at her sons wedding, sil knew nne of them but felt obliged, she paid a fortune for people she(nor bil really!) didnt know and mil still found stuff to moan about on the day!

I think that is probably a wise decision. Try not to get too stressed. I had a series of disasters leading up to my wedding, the worst/last being dh ending up in the central reservation of the M1 having written off his dad's car. It rained all day, too. But we had a fantastic day, surrounded by people who cared about us (even guests you don't know very well will be supporting you).

You just have to 'put your foot down' and start as you mean to go on. This is what I did with MIL - not in such a harsh way, but it was clear she expected us there every christmas, to go on family holidays every year with her and SIL etc and for us to be travelling up and down the motorway visiting all the time despite us having 3 small children.

THat's not how I wanted it to be and I wasn't going to be bullied into it. We just started making our own arrangements for holidays and telling them when it was too late. When she tried to arrange for us to be there for Christmas, way too far ahead (but obviously to 'bag' us first) we just said we didn't know, we weren't planning it yet etc etc.

For a while I think things were strained - nothing spoken but I think they thought I was a PIA and I didn't like having to be like that but I knew I was in this for life and that I had always put what we wanted to do as family first - so that's what we did. It's accepted now - she just doesn't ask us about those things and accepts whatever we decide to do. We get on much better now that all those awkward situations are out of the way.

That's it, MD, she was trying to plan everything for us - map out what we'd do and where we'd go but she met her match in GDG!

Yes,very wise GDG.
Better a few months of tension than years and years of it eh?

My MIL died last year.The more I read of others' experiences the more I realise what a good 'un she was.
She wouldn't have dreamed of dictating to anyone or presuming anything.

Bless her,she was lovely.