Future MIL wants to invite her friends I don't know to our wedding - do I have to accept her guest demands?

[streetwise]

... they have put £6k towards the wedding costs. Does this mean that we have to have guests that we don't know at the wedding? I'm not going to have any friends from my family's side.

It's a long and convoluted story - but that's the essence of it.

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MaloryTowersHasManners - is that why you give people things - to get your way?

I think it's normal to have some friends of the parents at a wedding, tbh. We just happened to know all the parental friends we wanted to invite (and we paid for our own wedding, with minor contributions from parents for specific items).

Most couples have people at their wedding that they don't know. I had a similar situation 5yrs ago for my wedding with my FIL. I have a large immediate family while my husband only has a sister. My FIL went on at great lengths about all my brothers and sisters hoping to invite more of his cronies but when I counted in all the aunts, uncles and cousins from my husband's side it was even numbers.(My parents are both only children, so no aunts, uncles or cousins.)

Each set of parents were allowed four couples for their friends each. Stand firm.

I could write a book on my in-laws but the only way I can deal with them is to be firm but fair. Helping out with wedding costs does not give your future MIL carte blanche.

Although, thinking about it, there was one very irritating friend of my mother's I had to invite, who then took me aside to tell me how hard my mother had worked on the day (like I didn't know that already. AND I'd already arranged to give bouquets to my mother and her best friend for all their help).

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MaloryTowersHasManners - well we haven't actually accepted the money yet. And if you noticed - I'm asking what people think about how much input is normal. I haven't been in this situation before and it's quite tricky as relationships with in-laws can be difficult

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PTA - it's good to hear that other people have difficult situations with in-laws. It's all so complicated

MaloryTowersHasManners - because it's a joint decision with dp and he thinks that the PILs will see this as a snub. Although we haven't ruled it out.

meaning....

Take the money and compromise or don't.

I took no money and 'eloped' (if tis possible after living with someone for 8 years) and you know what? Everyone was delighted for us. UNot that i would have cared if they weren't.

Big weddings where women play at the whole blushing bride thing when they are already mothers is ludicrous anyway.

I love it when it gets to be a slagging match on Mumsnet.

Why flag it up if you don't want a response?

elope.

flag what up? - that I'm in a situation that I haven't been in before - that I want some advice on?

Better to struggle on without getting some consensus from people who might have some helpful comments?

Is that what you're saying?

There is a difference between unhelpful comments and hearing what you don't want to hear.

I think you are getting them confused.

The woman is contributing,thus she has some say.

You don't marry an individual,you marry into a family.

What bit of these facts don't you get?

ok. so, you want the money/need the money but you don't want her to take over, right?

Soooooo why not tell her the arrangements NOW, before money changes hands. Make it clear that these are the plans.

Suggestion - guest list of 100, take 50 each.

You decide 50, then your dh gets the other 50, and if he wants to let his mum invite her mates, it's sorted.

And the other thing to remember. It's just one day. That's all. What is really happening is that you are getting married. Have a marriage, not a wedding and these things will seem less The Be All And End All, iyswim. His mum wants 10 guests, it's no big deal. Take the control by saying we have arranged to let you invite 10 of your friends. You are letting her, you are in control, she gets her mates.

And I'm waffling....

Good luck, congrats and try to not get so wound up about it all.

I think that being judgemental is unhelpful. For instance:

"Big weddings where women play at the whole blushing bride thing when they are already mothers is ludicrous anyway."

I don't think it's ludicrous. Do you think that the women who aren't mothers are the only valid brides? And if you do - why are you giving input on my 'ludicrous' life?

Why are you inviting input on yer life??
Huh? HUH?

MyTwopenceworth - thank you. Helpful advice.