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Original poster

Future MIL wants to invite her friends I don't know to our wedding - do I have to accept her guest demands?

140 replies

streetwise · 05/08/2007 22:59

... they have put £6k towards the wedding costs. Does this mean that we have to have guests that we don't know at the wedding? I'm not going to have any friends from my family's side.

It's a long and convoluted story - but that's the essence of it.

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 05/08/2007 22:59

Does your partner know them?

giraffeski · 05/08/2007 23:01

Message withdrawn

canmummy · 05/08/2007 23:01

At our wedding we did have a couple of my dad's friends there as he paid for it. As for other parents' friends they only came if we knew them and saw them regularly as we grew up. What about a compromise and invite them to the evening do?

Original poster
streetwise · 05/08/2007 23:06

Canmummy - that's a good suggestion - but the actual wedding is at 5pm so it would be hard to invite them after the meal as it would be really late.

OP posts:
Tommy · 05/08/2007 23:06

That's the problem with letting them pay - they have some say over the guest list.

I don't think you can really say no tbh, unless you cut down on costs (what on earth are you having which means they have put £6k "Towards the cost"? How much is it costing?!

frapachino · 05/08/2007 23:07

If they're paying 6k then yes I think they have a right to have who they want. We had this at ours my mum invited approx 10 guests that were not my choice but she was contributing and it made her happy.

Original poster
streetwise · 05/08/2007 23:07

giraffeski - they put the same money up for my fiance's brother - so they thought it would be fair to do the same for us I suppose. Not to mention that it gives them a good bargaining tool to get what they want - they often use money to manipulate the situation.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 05/08/2007 23:08

How many people does she want to invite?

How many guests will there be overall?

If the former is a small number and the latter a significantly bigger number, let her invite them. Unless they'll start fights and waggle their bottoms at you. In which case don't.

hunkermunker · 05/08/2007 23:08

You knew how they were about money, but you accepted it? Then you have to accept the manipulation as well, I think - you're on thin ice otherwise.

harpsichordcarrier · 05/08/2007 23:09

yes you do. why would you not want to? really, don't make a big issue of this otherwise you will build up resentment and for what? to make a point? if she wants her friends there, let her have them.
your relationship withyour MIL and the grandmohter of your children is too important to get into petty wrangling tbh

Original poster
streetwise · 05/08/2007 23:09

frapachino - if it was my family I probably wouldn't have such an issue with it. But it's people that I don't even know and have never met. I just never imagined having strangers at my wedding.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 05/08/2007 23:09

agree with Hunker.

hunkermunker · 05/08/2007 23:10

When's the wedding?

Any chance of meeting them beforehand?

How many people does she want to invite?

How many guests will there be overall?

Original poster
streetwise · 05/08/2007 23:10

hunkermunker - we haven't actually accepted the money yet - but it's one of those situations where it would be more of a political issue to refuse it

OP posts:
Original poster
streetwise · 05/08/2007 23:12

harpsichordcarrier - you make some good points. But my MIL is always manipulating us in our relationship - and I've had so much of it over the last 7 years(!) that I've just had enough

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 05/08/2007 23:12

seriously, why would this be a problem?
it is a family occasion. I had all manner of people I didn't know at our wedding, old friends of MIL andFIL, they brought presents, they even send Christmas cards even now.

Original poster
streetwise · 05/08/2007 23:13

I haven't delved into exactly how many guests MIL wants to invite - but I'm guessing around 10 and we're keeping our wedding at about 100 people

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 05/08/2007 23:13

OK, please answer my questions and we'll see if we can come up with a cunning solution

  1. When's the wedding?

  2. How many people are you inviting?

  3. How many people does MIL want to invite?

  4. Can you afford to pay for the wedding of your dreams (which is overrated, imo) without the £6k?

  5. How do you feel about eloping?

harpsichordcarrier · 05/08/2007 23:13

ah well that is a different matter. but - seriously this is not the time to tackle it. it will only put a blight on your wedding. work on it another time, with your DF.

FrannyandZooey · 05/08/2007 23:14

Does your dp know these people?

Original poster
streetwise · 05/08/2007 23:15

harpsichordcarrier - you're so right. But my family is very small. My Dad died when I was 12. My brother and mother haven't spoken to each other since before my daughter was born (she's going to be 4 in October). I have very few members of extended family.

I'm dreading a wedding where I'm going to know nobody and there's going to be about 30+ members of my fiance's family. I'm going to feel like an outsider at my own wedding

OP posts:
Tommy · 05/08/2007 23:15

There were plenty of people at my wedding that I didn't know - all DH's relations for a start and some of his friends. Likewise, he hadn't met all of mine.

They're not really "strangers" are they? Surely your fiance knows them?

Original poster
streetwise · 05/08/2007 23:16
  1. When's the wedding? - December

  1. How many people are you inviting? about 100

  2. How many people does MIL want to invite? Probably about 10 - but the majority of the wedding is already her family anywayt

  3. Can you afford to pay for the wedding of your dreams (which is overrated, imo) without the £6k? - porbably

  4. How do you feel about eloping? MIL has already made it clear that she would never forgive us

OP posts:
frapachino · 05/08/2007 23:17

6K is a lot of money and a wedding involving contributions it not just about the wishes of the bride and groom it is about the parents having their day too and like it or not that may involve people you don't know. Think yourself lucky it's just friends she wants to invite some weddings turn into coorporate networking events
There are usually people you haven't met before at your wedding eg, partners of friends, distant relatives etc. Just grin and bear it. The presents from my mums friends were very generous so let that be some sort of consolation.
Don't get hung up about this and let it spoil your day it's not worth it.
Organising a wedding is stressful enough so avoid disagreements if you can.
I think if you are prepared to take the money then you should be prepared to make allowances even if they are not your choice.

FrannyandZooey · 05/08/2007 23:18
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