Future MIL wants to invite her friends I don't know to our wedding - do I have to accept her guest demands?

[streetwise]

... they have put £6k towards the wedding costs. Does this mean that we have to have guests that we don't know at the wedding? I'm not going to have any friends from my family's side.

It's a long and convoluted story - but that's the essence of it.

I had the same situation at my wedding but without the £6k!

My dad paid for everything and we were trying to keep the numbers down. Every time someone from our side dropped out we said phew, everytime someone from DHs side dropped out MIL invited someone else. She invited several of her friends- DH didn't even know them. Meanwhile I was only allowed to have 2 friends to the actual wedding (and one of those only because we'd been to hers a few months before) because "weddings are for families"

With hindsight that was the time I should have called everything off because it was actually a taste of what was to come. I was too young and too blinded by luurrve to realise.

The OP has a child so it isn't quite the same but if I was advising anyone in my original situation I'd tell them to think very very carefully

Well streetwise, I think you have been extremely gracious and calm considering the rather rough ride you've had here. Clearly your MIL is a rather, um, 'strong' personality, used to getting her own way, and if you are not, then it can be very hard to stand up to someone as overbearing as this. Clearly it is not simply a question of 'just don't take the money then' as not taking the money would also cause her to be angry and upset and cause a family rift. And I think that shows that she is probably pretty selfish and difficult. I feel very lucky I have never had anyone like this in my family tbh. I do think you need to make a polite stand re all the booking you up for holidays and Christmasses, and I think the line 'oh how lovely but we couldn't possibly commit this far ahead' is quite a useful one.
If your MIL's guests don't mean you have no friends there then I do think it won't be as bad as you think to have 10 strangers at your wedding. You won't have to speak to them or anything. Then tackle the feelings of being manipulated and bullied. Actually I'd start tackling that now. Talk to your dp- how does he feel? Does he know how you feel? Is he willing to back you up? If not, I do fear for your marriage a little. I'm sure it's hard to feel you are at war with your husband's mother, and you need to know if your dp is the sort to back you up. Weddings are a bit overrated tbh (IMO) but I think anyone who says it is easy to stand up to a bully is a very strong person. It isn't easy for everyone. Good luck!

Tbh Aloha, what you are saying makes a lot of sense, but I do think that there are ways to decline input from overbearing (but well-intentioned) inlaws, monetary or otherwise. BUT (and I have put in in capitals because it is a big one) streetwise and her future dh need to be on the same page in order to really stop this manipulation. In otherwords it is very important that both of them are agreed that the input is ott, and then they need to develop a working strategy for walking that tightrope between living their own life and not creating any animosity. I have some experience in this (my own MIL, whilst very kind at heart, is totally SURE that it is her place to give input at every available opportunity and she is ALWAYS right, without question, in her opinion - whereas dh and I have learned the hard way that following her advice can actually prove detrimental). My dh and I finally just decided that we would refrain from any discussions about certain topics (ie our financial situation, our careers, etc) because what the IL's consider "advice" is usually more like a barrage of constant interference until we succumb to living our lives THEIR way. We are very tightlipped about anything that might encourage this interference - but we give them enough info to make them feel "included".

Okay - everybody is saying that when we get asked for Christmas etc, the strategy is to defer a decision.

if only life was that easy! MiL doesn't go anywhere. Every time we see her, she then says - have yo made a decision on xxx. if for instance we say, Yes my family has invited us so we decided to do that - tears spring into her eyes, and we hear comments like, "Oh so you got a better offer".

Deferring sadly doesn't work.

Gobbledigook I wold love to know more abot yor tactIcs. It all sonds v famlIar:
she expects us there every christmas - SNAP - every other
to go on family holidays every year with her SNAP
for us to be travelling up and down the motorway visiting all the time despite us having 3 small children. - SNAP 2 smalls

The only way we've managed to combat the probs is to start planning 2 yrs in advance! Can't live the whole of my life like that thogh

Yeah that is seriously manipulative, but maybe your dh needs to sit down with her and say something like "in the interest of fairness we are going to have all future Christmas's with one set of parents one year and other set the next and there may be occasions when we wish to have Christmas on our own and then we will work out a suitable compromise (a celebration earlier in December for instance).

It might be worth saying "we are truly sorry that you are upset, but we are in a difficult situation - we can't please everyone all of the time, surely you know what that is like?"

The tears are a nightmare because they are designed to create guilt and that is so unfair because boys can't stand to see their mothers cry (even when they are men!) and it sounds like your MIL uses that to her advantage.

The tears are a definite killer for dp. He feels so bad when he makes her cry. So he backs down and we then all lose as a family as our needs fall into second place.

perhaps you need to have a chat with dp that when he becomes a dh that your needs then come above his mothers even if she cries.

tbh sounds like her inviting 10 cronies to the wedding is the least of the problems with the mil-you-dp triangle!

Hmm - dp def puts our famly 1st but equally he doesn't want to upset hs mum

Do you know what, to me this sounds like the sort of issue that really does need to be sorted in your relationship, even to the point of maybe going to Relate if you can't sort it between yourselves, because it has the potential to get much worse.
I know no relationship is perfect, but I can already sense your frustration and (justifiable) resentment, and you are about to get married. She sounds a nightmare to be tbh. I think she needs dealing with kindly but briskly until she gets used to it. Think Rantmum's suggestion are excellent - so try to get your dp on board with them and to agree that he will say these things to his mother, ie we intend to do Christmas alternately from now on unless we decide to be on our own or host it at our house, and 'we will take our holidays as a family, but we will always come to see you over the summer or whatever you think is reasonable, and present a united front and talk to your dp about what you will do when she cries, because she will cry. ie 'I know you would love us to spend every Christmas with you, but we need to be fair to everyone and you know how hard that is.
I also think it might be an idea when she says, re a holiday or whatever, say 'Oh, we've ALREADY planned X or Y, even if it isn't true, so she can't pull the martyred 'so you've had a better offer then' routine (which would annoy me so much I couldn't trust myself, tbh).

I have a MIL who I love dearly but some of this rings a few bells so I thought I'd share..

DP & I paid for our wedding ourselves. MIL still wanted to invite friends who I had never met & DP had met once or twice - mostly as a young child. However when I thought about it rationally I came to this conclusion - She wanted to invite them because she was really proud of us & happy about the wedding - basically she wanted to swank a little.. I gave her 10 of our 70 invites to do with what she wished & to be honest it really made her day & TBH other than the extra cost it didn't make any difference to DH & I - we had the people there who mattered to us.

As far as the holidays etc my MIL would love us to spend every hol with them & so we did have to make it clear that there were other demands on our time. Now we have DD to consider we do expect them to do more of the travelling. We have always alternated Christmasses & New Years - that way everyone knows what to expect. I agree with Gobbledigook; once it is in the open it is easier for everyone to understand & not get dissapointed by having unrealistic expectations.

I suspect you have to be kind but firm with MILs. Those of us who have sons will one day probably have DILs to deal with... and I hope when it comes to pass, ds's future partner will be nice to me and remember I love him too. I fully intend to be a 'good', non-interfering, non-demanding MIL, of course.

The thing that I've realised is that I'm not going to be able to change MIL whatever I do. and however much DP and I try to fight against her tricky ways - it's all a lot of effort for very little gain.

I appreciate the comments that we need to go to Relate etc etc. But at the end of the day it's not going to change MIL and I don't think anything will.

Streetwise, I feel for you. I have the same problems only its my parents not my in-laws. My mother cries at the drop of a hat and my father then joins in to defend her point of view.

My mother is outraged (and cried a few tears (yet again)) as we now stay with my pil when we go back to Scotland to visit. They simply don't have room for 2 adults and 2 children, whereas my pil have plenty room.

I am an only child, which truly doesn't help. They invited all their friends to my wedding, chose the band and the venue and even the hotel because my dad saw it as his god given right as he was paying for it all (dh and I couldn't have afforded a wedding by ourselves).

I could sit her posting all day long about them, it is not quite as clear cut as standing your ground sometimes. It is very very very hard to do so with people who are extremely emotional. I have come close on many many occasions to cutting my parents out of my life, it would be the only way of stopping the emotional blackmail but then I would have to live with the guilt.

Good luck, I for one know it is not as easy as some on here are saying.

No, you can't changer your MIL - but you can change the way that you react to her.

her tears are her problem. Yes, your dh gets upset by them - but in the long run, whose relationship is more imprtant to him: his mum or his own family?

I think Rantmum's advice is excellent. Don't present it as asking advice - just present it as "this is the way we are going to do things in future - your family has its own needs". The only thing your MIL has an input in is when it would be otherwise convenient to meet up, eg the "laternate" Christmas".

It is important to sit your dh(to be) down to say that for the sake your/his family (ie you, him and the kids), you need to get this relationship into persepctive, and you cannot spend your lives (all your lives, ie including your kids) pandering to your MIL's insecurities. Tell him you really need his support - and that with it, you can make sure that long term your MIL will be better off, as she won't have a DIL and a family who are only seeing her on sufferance.

have only read the op.

I would not invite anyone to my wedding that I or DH don't know (and in fact didn't)...

My mum and dad gave us a set amount towards the reception but it was a gift....

My mum would have liked me to invite my aunties, uncles and cousins, but as I hadn't seen them in years I chose not to..

Instead I invited some of my parents friends that I had seen regularly thoughout my childhood etc and so knew them on a personal level..

DH on the other hand wanted to invite distant family, so we did.

In my view your parents paying towards the reception does NOT give them the right to demand who is to get an invite.. It is surely meant to be a gift not something to use as leverage...

I just didn't want to have to make polite small talk at my wedding with total strangers, so invited far more friends tham family, and we had fab time (was over 13 years ago now)....

My MIL (who is normally quite a nice woman) said some REALLY venemous things to me in the run up to my wedding. It got so bad I refused to see to speak to her for the 2 weeks running up to the day...I would have hit her over the head with something.

She then had a "breakdown" (sort of) after the wedding due to her son leaving home - he was 31!

I truly hope I do not react like that if my ds marries..it was awful

You will not change your MIL so my advice is dont try. My dh now knows that I expect me and our ds to come first, we are his family now.

Weddings and funerals really do bring out the worst in people

my PIL put money towards our wedding and they invited some friends that I didnt know and DH didnt like - to be honest i hardly knew they were there and from what i heard after they had a lovely day.

It's really not a huge issue in the grand scheme of things and you'll have a fab day either way.

ask DF where he spent christmas as a child? presumably it will have been miles away with his grandparents every year..if not bingo, you have some ammo against mils plans

We let my MIL invite friends to our wedding on the basis that she would spend the day bragging etc to them and keep out of our way.

Worked a treat!

Feel sorry for Streetwise- everyone says that your wedding sgould be the best day of your life but when you actually start telling people what you want they accuse you of being a diva!

From my experience, the only way to go is do it completely on your own, don't take any money from either parents (in the nicest way possible) and even if it causes a few ruffled feathers it's better than full scale meltdown. I spent my wedding night and most of my honeymoon in tears due to catastrophic family wedding where I felt my parents were pushed out and I felt like an outsider. 4 years on and we don't even have any photos up and never talk about it, my dh doesn't even like to mark our anniversary! It makes me so sad as our marriage is wonderful, I hate the fact the day to celebrate it went so badly and upset everyone (my PILs actually seperated for 6 months a few weeeks sfter the wedding). My dh wanted to run off and get married just us- I stopped his cos i thought it would upset everyone.

Well, it probably would have but not as much as the wedding did!It took a long time to rebuild the brides after that and a long time for us all to sstop feeling angry. really not worth it!

i'd piss off the 6k - and go to vegas get married by elvis

messydrawers why not have ytour narriage blessed and a big/small party of your choice and don't even invite inlaws...then you and dh can mark that anniversary instead?

We did - Pils had been to their friends' kids weddings, they knew dh from childhood so we had to Because they were travelling a distance we could n't even just have them for an evening do although it meant they usurped some of our , slightly more local, friends at the sit down. tbh in the end it was fine and probably a similar number to your MIL's "guest list".