Future MIL wants to invite her friends I don't know to our wedding - do I have to accept her guest demands?

[streetwise]

... they have put £6k towards the wedding costs. Does this mean that we have to have guests that we don't know at the wedding? I'm not going to have any friends from my family's side.

It's a long and convoluted story - but that's the essence of it.

In your situation, I'd probably elope

How does your DF feel about it all? Does he know these people your MIL want to invite?

Let her invite them but make sure you decide the seating plan so you can have the people you do know around you - you won't notice the people at the edges anyway! Besides can you not slope of early in the evening and leave them to it???? Have a big party with just yours and df's friends some other time.

You wont feel like an outsider at your own wedding unless you let yourself - get into the mind set that you will be a Princess and you will. It will be the best day of your life I promise.
My dad had died and my family was 3 my mum, sister and bil - dh had a whole entourage but it was still fab!

frapachino - that sounds so similar to my situation - it's quite refreshing to hear that other people can be in the same boat.

I've just counted our guest list. In total 6 from my family and 22 from dp's!! Yikes - they've already taken over about quarter of the wedding.....

there is no such thing as a free lunch. you have a choice -

take the money and accept that they will have a say in what happens, invite their guests etc

don't take the money and have your wedding the way you want it but have less ££££ to spend

at most weddings there are guests who the bride or the groom doesnt knwo. unless you have been together for many years and already know all of each others friends & family

You are not just marrying your fiance, you are marrying his family. That actually includes close friends of the family in a sense too. She is in all likelyhood only inviting people that are close to her, and in time they may become close to you too, through your affinity with this family. You have to start thinking in wider terms now.
Accepting her friends would be a good move, I think. Refusing them, is like refusing her. You define yourself by your friends. It may even put her in a very awkward position if she cant invite them.

At my sisters wedding, there were people she hadnt met, but they were close to her dhs family, had a history together, and she was honoured and pleased to meet them.

Message withdrawn

When the photographer shouted rides family we gathered she then shouted again even louder expecting more to join

thats brides not rides!

frapachino - that's so funny! I'm glad you've said that .... that's exactly what will happen to me I'm sure.

Strretwise - I feel for you, particularly as your situaion has the potential to be mine (should I ever be asked!).

Are you really me in that fantasy future where DP actually pops the question and I say yes??

Frapacino's words really seem to hit the spot re. you deciding the seating plan so that those you know are around you. I'm not mad keen on the wedding part of marriage (I know, what a weirdo!) and could never be a princess for a day (i.e. where everyone is staring at me) without feeling really uncomfortable (obviously the thought brings out the introvert in me) but it wouldn't matter if I could see familiar faces in neighbouring tables.

Good luck with it all.

On the positive side, it means she isn't ashamed of you/doesn't like you/ etc. If she wants to have friends there means she wants to show off her son and DIL.

Just take a step back.

This is your wedding. You are in control, you are the one that wants to have it. If there are people there that you don't know, then I am afraid to say, it is your fault!

If you want more control, simply do not take the money. If you are more worried about MIL relations, then take the money and relinquish the control.

It's up to you. Don't try and foist the blame off on someone else.

Don't stress too much about the extra unknown guests, they could be new friends for you and more importantly they will be bringing gifts!!!

You won't be expected to sit and chat with them all night. It will make your MIL happy and keep her off your case too. It is a pita when your wedding gets all political like this but don't sweat the small stuff. I am sure your wedding day will be wonderful!!

We had a similar thing, FIL wanted to invite some of his more distant family that we hadn't even met, but the reason was because they (PILs) had been invited to their events, e.g children's weddings, so he felt he should iyswim. Could it be something like this?
BTW most of them politely sent their apologies so it's not all bad! The ones who did come were a bit closer to him, and were good fun
Unless you had your heart set on a small, really personal wedding, I think you accept there are going to be people there you don't know (are there any friends / workmates of your DF going that you don't really know?)
Hope you have a lovely day whatever you decide to do.

Are you able to invite everyone you want to invite? As long as MIL's guests aren't bumping your guests off the invites list, I'd go along with it. They will probably be people who know dh, some of them will have seen him grow up. And agree with the point that it actually means MIL is proud of you and dh.

Fact is, your family is smaller than his, unless you want to hire some stunt family, you have to accept that.

I can see your point, I think you are seeing this as another example of mil's maniulation more than about people you don't know at your wedding. ( I think any way )

My Mil is manipulating so we decided to have no contributions from either side of the family, therefore all control of our day was up to us. She still had her moments (a face like she was sucking a grapefruit in most of the photos just one of many) but we did it our way.

I think our generation will contribute to our dc's weddings knowing that we won't have any say in what it's spent on but I think the older generation are just going by how they had their weddings -to give your mil the benefit of the doubt.

Why not 'not' take the money, have the day you want and perhaps suggest the money is put in trust for your dc -her granchildren. At least she'll have made the same gesture to both her children. IT's really then up to her to agree.

Streetwise, I think most people would have at least one or two people at their wedding who they didn't know. We only had about 40 at ours, family and close friends, but DH invited a colleague I'd only met once plus his wife who neither of us had met. I think the main point is will you be able to invite everyone you want to and still accommodate these friends of MIL? If the answer is yes, then there's no harm in letting them come, especially as she's contributing so generously. If, however, you are limited to 100 and this means leaving out some of your friends to accommodate hers, I would consider that unreasonable.

i would be inclined to create your (and dh to be) list of people you would invite if you were paying solely for it and if say you get to 80 give each set of parents 10 people to add on. If his parents get to invite a stack of people because they've paid or helped to pay for the event then your family are going to feel a little uncomfortable being so few.

muppetgirl - you're so right about me just being frustrated by MIL's manipulation. Her tactics are in line with my three year old's. If she doesn't get what she wants she bursts into tears and tells everybody how nasty I've been. I just feel so forced into a corner in so many situations. I just had never anticipated my wedding being like this too.

Katy44 - thanks for your input. It makes me feel like things are going to turn out contrived as I'm anticipating. I'm sure lots of people who don't really know us as a couple will probably politely turn down the invite.

Easywriter - I did have to drop a lot of hints before he popped the questions. Although I had spent the previous 6 years saying that I would never want to get married! Anyway - the hints paid off and I can't believe it myself that we're tying the knot.

I feel sure that it's going to happen for you too!