Struggling with my adult daughter living at home and constant conflict

[LovingTheSunnyDay]

I need to vent.It is Sunday and I enjoyed my free morning after 6 days of 9-6.30pm job. I have bra and son's school shirts to return to shop, and hoped to try to have nice time with my daughter and treat to her some new clothes/underwear. I somehow imagined a nice day with my girl who actually hates me. My 18 yrs old daughter is autistic, smart but wasn't attending college and was asked to leave. She had pub jobs but didn't turn up few times and lost them. Now she is not working, spends all day in bed ( we share bedroom... because there is no space in our 2 bedroom flat) and only rarely leaves to see her boyfriend.

Anyway she got up and already in the mood as usual. I offered to have a nice afternoon shopping and getting a coffee. She told me she has nothing clean to wear and there are no clean plates or cutlery. I told her I can put some washing on and she can wash up after herself the dishes from yesterday. It ended in saying "screw you" to me, telling me she rather slash her head then spend time with me. Also she has big hair to wash and not bum fluff like me. She grabbed bread ( one she asks to be bought for her) put it on the table ( because she will not wash up) and started shouting at me how stupid it is that there are no clean stuff. I was calm and still wanted to take her with me. She walked by, thrown the sandwich she made at my head and called me a bit...ch. I am at my wits end.

She wants me to make her homeless because she somehow thinks will be given accommodation. I think I will take time off tomorrow and go to council because I can't take this anymore. Her dad kicked her out last year ( she had a room there but new wife didn't want her anymore)and she came back to me ( at the cost of my relationship, but she is my child).

It's not nice to live in a crowded place, but we could make it until she goes to uni, but now she doesn't want to do anything and it is so so horrible to be treated like that. She struggles, but I can't be treated like this....I struggle with it. I don't understand why she hates me. It's really for everything. How I look ( average, boring), how I work so much, have university degree,master degree in science and all I can afford to buy is a small flat, how we don't go on holidays abroad, or anywhere ( because she doesn't want with me and I can't afford lavish holidays), my hair ( thyroid condition...).
Will she ever ever be nicer? Will she clean after herself,help around the home? Will she go back to education?

I try to help, l offered to make doctor appointment, seek help but now she is an adult I am cut out of intervention.
It breaks my heart when occasionally she says she will cut me off and I never see my future grandchildren. She knows it hurts because my mother left me when I was a baby and doesn't want any contact.
Sorry for venting but where I go wrong...I know it sounds like she is entitled but she struggles. I want her to get help, do well and I want relationship with her. But how? I don't understand.

I would like to thank you all for your input. I am just exhausted and worried. She stopped throwing items at me and destroying things ( she did when she was younger) and I thought that phase passed. It was getting better over last year but since spring everything gets worse and her daily calling me names over recent weeks and finally throwing sandwich at me today really saddened me.

Sod what others say about independence.

I have a DD with ASD and I literally have to do almost everything for her. You really have to lower your expectations over what they can do don’t you? She is professing though although slowly. The other day she proudly told me that she’d changed her bedding. She was proud because I hadn’t had to ask her or done some of it myself.

My DD also has ADHD as as such they just haven’t reached the same maturity as their peers.

It can be hard to accept but you really do have to parent the DC you have and ignore people telling you otherwise

@ExplodingSmittens ”parent the child you have”? So op has just to say “thems the breaks” and put up with having stuff thrown at her, abusive and threatening behaviour?

Leave her by the side of the road and run

Hi. I have 2 adult autistic daughters and one has PDA and was very difficult to live with - she had her own room mind you. She now lives with her boyfriend.

It is incredibly difficult for single adults to get accommodation from the council. Does she claim benefits? You can try making her homeless but how will that help your relationship? And how will you physically get her out of the house?

Can you hang on til she goes to uni?

My only advice is to help her stay as regulated as possible and sorry but that probably means not provoking her - and by that I mean giving her any opportunity to have a go at you. So don't even offer her nice things. Just be neutral to her. I would not get dragged in to any of her moans. Don't discuss with her. Just do her laundry, give her her food and otherwise keep your interactions to a minimum. She is probably overwhelmed and using you as a means to safely let her angry feelings out but this is not ok.

Speak to your gp about support for you x

Do you have ND DC?

I don’t have much to contribute as my DD has always been difficult to share a space with in terms of organisation but never violent, however I just want to let you know that I’ve had friends who had to live in bedsits with their children and it was never a reason for abuse.

Whatever may be causing her actions, please don’t blame accommodation as the reason.

I’d probably still sleep in the living room and give each kid a bedroom, though. I’ve done this in the past with DD when we lived in a 1 bedroom. It wasn’t easy but I do think it’s important for kids to have their own space.

@LovingTheSunnyDay
Call madams bluff
Let her live in the real world
And give no financial help
My guess is that if she gets accommodation the boyfriend dynamic may change as she'll turn more to him and it could become too much
But that'd be her problem
She may be autistic but she's also incredibly knowing whilst abusing you like a verbal punchbag/floorcloth
Don't let her
Let her go
And as for grandchildren,
Do you really want to repeat history again?
If she hates you and I reckons she really does
She'll make sure they do too
Some really lovely kind giving people
Have shite spiteful entitled horrible offspring
And blood is NOT thicker than water
Sorry.

I’ll say this again @LovingTheSunnyDay you really need to afk @MNHQto move this over to the SN Teens board where you’ll get responses from other parents of ND Teens

ND or not, no one should have to accept violence and aggression from anyone.

You do not deserve this. She is an adult , not a child. Make her homeless, it will be the wake up call she needs.

Agree, sadly as you can see, some people think that abuse and agression is acceptable and nay, justified if xyz…

A short spell in a homeless person's hostel sharing cramped facilities might make her realise living at yours is not so bad. Give her the written notice to quit she will need as evidence of homeless for her to take to the council and she can see what her options are. Universal credit for single people of her age is very low amount per month. She is only likely to get signposted to a privately let shared house if the hostel if full with families . She will probably need a guarantor for the rent. Some councils provide guarantees to private landlord so you should not give one and expose yourself to financial risk .

How old is your son OP? Did he have any clothes clean?

I'm sorry to say but you're in an overcrowded flat, your daughter doesn't have her own room and there was not a single plate or piece of cutlery clean. I think a neurotypical teenager would struggle in that sort of environment, never mind one who is neurodiverse.

You should buy a sofa bed and sleep in the lounge sorry. Your children didn't ask to live in a property that's not suitable for your family.

I also think generally you should be at least making sure there's some clean dishes before you go shopping, but that depends on the age of your son.

I don't know why an 18 year old has to share a bedroom with her Mum. Thats a very unsatisfactory set up.

RTFT