Struggling with my adult daughter living at home and constant conflict

[LovingTheSunnyDay]

I need to vent.It is Sunday and I enjoyed my free morning after 6 days of 9-6.30pm job. I have bra and son's school shirts to return to shop, and hoped to try to have nice time with my daughter and treat to her some new clothes/underwear. I somehow imagined a nice day with my girl who actually hates me. My 18 yrs old daughter is autistic, smart but wasn't attending college and was asked to leave. She had pub jobs but didn't turn up few times and lost them. Now she is not working, spends all day in bed ( we share bedroom... because there is no space in our 2 bedroom flat) and only rarely leaves to see her boyfriend.

Anyway she got up and already in the mood as usual. I offered to have a nice afternoon shopping and getting a coffee. She told me she has nothing clean to wear and there are no clean plates or cutlery. I told her I can put some washing on and she can wash up after herself the dishes from yesterday. It ended in saying "screw you" to me, telling me she rather slash her head then spend time with me. Also she has big hair to wash and not bum fluff like me. She grabbed bread ( one she asks to be bought for her) put it on the table ( because she will not wash up) and started shouting at me how stupid it is that there are no clean stuff. I was calm and still wanted to take her with me. She walked by, thrown the sandwich she made at my head and called me a bit...ch. I am at my wits end.

She wants me to make her homeless because she somehow thinks will be given accommodation. I think I will take time off tomorrow and go to council because I can't take this anymore. Her dad kicked her out last year ( she had a room there but new wife didn't want her anymore)and she came back to me ( at the cost of my relationship, but she is my child).

It's not nice to live in a crowded place, but we could make it until she goes to uni, but now she doesn't want to do anything and it is so so horrible to be treated like that. She struggles, but I can't be treated like this....I struggle with it. I don't understand why she hates me. It's really for everything. How I look ( average, boring), how I work so much, have university degree,master degree in science and all I can afford to buy is a small flat, how we don't go on holidays abroad, or anywhere ( because she doesn't want with me and I can't afford lavish holidays), my hair ( thyroid condition...).
Will she ever ever be nicer? Will she clean after herself,help around the home? Will she go back to education?

I try to help, l offered to make doctor appointment, seek help but now she is an adult I am cut out of intervention.
It breaks my heart when occasionally she says she will cut me off and I never see my future grandchildren. She knows it hurts because my mother left me when I was a baby and doesn't want any contact.
Sorry for venting but where I go wrong...I know it sounds like she is entitled but she struggles. I want her to get help, do well and I want relationship with her. But how? I don't understand.

She wants me to make her homeless because she somehow thinks will be given accommodation

Call her bluff. Do it. Then she can see how tough life is with no job and maybe she’ll be grateful for the home you provide.

if your honest with yourself, what was the coffee and treat her to some clothes really about?

Great someone else for the taxpayer to sort out.

Why can't she live with her boyfriend

Tell her that you and the rest of the family can not cope with her anymore so she needs to leave. Let her find out that it won't be easy to get accommodation and if she is offered anything it won't be very salubrious. It sounds tough but your younger children deserve better than this. You owe it to them to sort it out. A shock might be just what she needs.

You dont just get to 18 and this is your life. She was failed throughout to be here at 18. She doesnt even have a bedroom at her mother’s home. She is a teenager.

But yes call the council. You cannot manage.

Sounds like her Dad has had enough of her (easy to blame new wife but sounds like she has her reasons), and so have you. She needs some life lessons- failed college, not going to uni, no job. She has zero respect for you and yes, she is your child, but at 18 is also now an adult without a plan.

tough love required here - make her homeless and see what she does.

Wrote a letter giving her notice to leave, she can take that to the council.

ot is really important she does this herself.

But being a teenager is no excuse for treating her mother like dirt. It sounds as though she was equally difficult when living wirh her father. I grew up in overcrowded housing but I never treated my family with such contempt. Manners cost nothing.

I think she will find that they're not handing out council flats, and might find herself disappointed and back where she started, but let her find that out.

I really feel for you. I am sending you a hug. Look after yourself and still go out for the coffee. Get some space and time for you. Its not going to fix the situation but don't punish yourself - be kind to yourself. You need a break from this and some space even if it is only an hour or 2.

Try to have some nice things for you irrespective of how she behaves.

Our children are our worlds - but once they get older - we aren't theirs.

You may find you get on much better once you aren’t living together. Good luck.

your son has a bedroom of his own but your adult daughter shares with you @LovingTheSunnyDay?

not very surprising there is conflict surely?

Perhaps a creative re-arrangement of living space would give you all a breather?

Is it possible for you to sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge? People with ASD can need a lot of downtime and she doesn’t seem to have anywhere to retreat to at the moment.

Being asked to leave by her DF must have knocked her confidence too.

Can you use the time you had put aside to be with her today to do a bit of a reset at home? Get the dishes cleaned, do some washing and generally tidy up?

She may also be functioning at at younger age so you may struggle with getting her to do tasks at home, particularly if she has PDA tendencies.

Just to add that you’d probably get some good advice if you post on the SN Teens section too

I was going to suggest this. I have no experience of ASD but hopefully OP can get some support there.

Look after yourself, OP.

Her brother had his prom. I bought him a suit and shoes on Vinted, and wanted to get something for her today so she didn't feel left out. Also her boyfriend went with his parents for holidays abroad, and I wanted to chear her up, because she couldn't go.

How long has she acted like this?

The mother is victim here, she is being abused.

Would you be so free and easy with the ND and PDA excuses if this was an 18 year old male treating his 18 year old girlfriend like this, throwing sandwiches at her and calling her a bitch and refusing to do anything around the house?

She needs to source her own accommodation and apply for homeless accommodation. It will be temporary accommodation and could be anywhere in the country depending on how your local council use accommodation. She'll be sharing so she needs to be aware of how to engage with others

OP you make reference to her leaving for Uni, how does she think she can manage at uni with an attitude like this?

What’s the backstory that led to her living with her Dad? That’s unusual especially for a teenage girl. Has your relationship always been problematic?

I have tried that but it's not the best place to sleep every day on the sofa. I do occasionally though. Yes, it's difficult for her not to have her own room. It was horrible time last year when she was asked to leave her dad's house ( she moved there at 14 because she was able to have her own room). She probably wasn't always nice there so I understand. Plus they had a toddler and newborn.

Dishes are done. I will wash her stuff again. But again some will say I am not teaching her independence. I try all the time, but ASD definitely is not helpful.

Living room just needed dusting, otherwise it's was tidy.

The problem here is you are posting in the wrong section. Hence why you’re getting ridiculous responses from people who don’t have any experience of autism

you need to post in the SN section because a lot of what people are advising just won’t work with an 18 year old who has autism

of course her behaviour is terrible and of course something needs to be done about it and you shouldn’t be expected to put up with this. All that goes without saying.

But she had a disability so a different approach is required

@LovingTheSunnyDay why have you washed her stuff? Is she unable to do it?

@LovingTheSunnyDay ask MN to move your post to the section for Parents of adult children

I am trying to avoid it by all means. I am divorced single mother that has always been working full time, never on benefits ( except child benefit and in the past tax credits that partially paid for nursery). I paid enough tax, bought my own small property ( got nothing but debts from ex-husband) with hope to upgrade to 3 bedroom, but on one wage with two dependants it has never been possible. Her boyfriend is also 18 and lives with parents.

I have tried few options, but it is very hard to have a constructive conversation with her. They both don't want to share bedroom again, understandably.

A parent who works full time ands has to share a bedroom with an abusive daughter needs downtime too!