How to handle my 19-year-old son's ongoing hygiene problems

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DS is 19 and has personal hygiene issues. It has been the case for years.

Teeth brushing and body odour.

He does have some autistic traits (IMO) and has mild MH wobbles from time to time, but mainly he is happy and functions well.

I suggest nicely and casually that he showers and he says “later” or just ignores me. Even when I then get more blunt he just doesn’t accept that he smells.

Why is he like this and what do I do about it?

Bump, help needed!

Ideally he'd shower everyday but I found with my teens that the showers they did take were much more effective if they used bar soap instead of shower gel.
I had to be really clear about rubbing the soap bar under arms and then washing off.
And clear about always using antiperspirant (not just deodorant).

Sorry of you were after advice about persuading him to wash rather than getting him to wash properly. Good luck.

You need to be even more blunt! Tell him he smells. I'd much rather be the one to hurt my sons feelings than have strangers be disgusted at him

Did you have him in a routine of showering/bathing daily as a child?

Yes we did, it was part of bedtime routine for years. And “pits and bits” was the mantra as soon as appropriate.

We do not have this issue with our other son.

This
you have to be cruel to be kind sometimes

Thanks @HannahDefoesSpringFling you’ve made me realise it’s possibly a bit of both. It’s mainly that he won’t shower as frequently as he needs to but I also suspect he doesn’t wash properly when he does.

I will go back to basics a bit I think.

I have been very blunt and he just reacts as if I am being unkind.

I do think this it’s possible that this is related to some neurodiversity. Too hard to explain but it fits. Maybe I should have asked on SEN board.

At 19 does he have no interest in dating?
no one will want to date a smelly

I know.

And no, thus far he has not been interested in dating (caused by similar ND issues I suspect).

I’d be really firm about it, ‘if you want to live here the rule is you have to shower daily. I’m not being unkind but body odour is unpleasant for all of us.’

I do hear what you’re saying but he can’t afford to move out so it feels like that’s an empty threat.

I am starting to realise he pretty difficult to reason with. I’ve put a call out on the SN board for ideas.

Oh there was a thread about similar quite a while back - but it was the OP's sons girlfriend. She had some kind of sensory issues from what I recall, but I also think it was to do with daily showering etc not being the norm in her household and not knowing what to do or what the social etiquette was around daily hygiene. I can't remember what the thread was called (and I don't know how posters sometimes find threads like this to link) but the OP sat down with the GF and was kind but blunt, and asked if there was a problem with showering as she had noticed the odour. I'm sure the GF confided some issues, and the OP ran her a bath and insisted on daily baths and also daily change of clothes, and she ensured all her clothes were washed daily after that and told the GF this.

Does your son not like showering / can you make it more comfortable or easier somehow for him? Does he change his clothes every day?

I found the thread! Have a look and see if this helps...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5467192-sons-girlfriend-doesnt-wash

Be blunt. You stink. Have a shower and use anti perspirantt

Do you get on OK with your son atm? Can you make him laugh? I tackled this same problem with my ND son with the shower school demonstration.

Remove shower gel and lynx or whatever and replace it with good bar soap, flannels and roll on mitchum.

Then demonstrate the monkey shower dance of wet the flannel, soap on flannel, scrub on offending hot spots, rinse hot spots, roll on.

I offer to repeat shower school dance any time there's a whiff. It's met with 'sorry I never went to shower school'.

If clothes stink there's a Dr Beckmann that you put on the pits and leave for at least an hour.

I feel your pain.

My autistic son is early 20s and he reeks. Going upstairs you’re hit in the face with the stink of BO and sweaty balls. It’s a constant battle to remind him to shower, change his bedding, change his clothes… I’m pig sick of it tbh.

You’ve had some really good advice in here already. I’d just add that whilst the weather is nice today, I’d wash his bedding at 60 and get it out in the line, then air his room, put some bicarbonate of soda on his mattress and hoover it off later and wash as many of his clothes as you can get your hands on.

You don’t mention if he’s working or studying, is he doing one or both?

And if it’s a sensory thing, are there ways to help him? For instance I can’t stand a monsoon type shower where the water goes over your head. Perhaps he could have a shower one day and a bath or a strip wash the second day.

Oh and if he’s got a dressing gown, get that washed and hung out too and they can harbour whiffs

This is good advice.
I would go in and fling open his window too.
Collect up all his dirty clothes and wash them. Don’t give him a chance to put dirty clothes back on.
I would also be quite open with him. Tell him that unless he washes daily he will stink.
Are his clothes natural fibres? Man made clothes trap BO.

Ah that’s a shame, you’ve foiled PP’s attempt to dig the knife in and make this all your fault 😉

It’s likely a motivation, initiating the action issue rather than a knowledge problem. A block/freeze on being able to do the thing you know you need to do. Teeth/showering issues are common with neurodivergence. Finding a way to support him to build a routine without activating the Demand Avoidance which could kick in when you ‘tell him’ to do it might be more fruitful. The Sen board might help, and there are lots of suggestions online. Collaborate with him, encourage and him to think through what he thinks might help him to get these things done regularly.
Telling him he smells again, when he already knows, can reinforce the sense of guilt/shame etc which leads to freeze around getting the thing done.
Good luck OP and DS, I feel for you , especially in this weather!

Have you tried telling him to smell his worn clothes? My ds was a shower dodger as a pre-teen and smelling his worn clothes helped him realise why people shower. The hair washing was easier to persuade because he liked touching clean rather than greasy hair and we went through trying a lot of shampoos before he found one he liked. You’ve probably done this but he may like a change in shower gel or shampoo if his autism makes him sensitive to smells. My ds also likes showering with a flannel rather than just using his hands.

Does he at least wear fresh clothes every day?

Loads of great advice here. When it comes to the teeth brushing, he may be old enough to understand the consequences on this one? It doesn't just affect others, it affects him directly. If he has sensory issues, the thought of inevitably having rotten teeth removed down the line could be a push?

Try to buy cotton tops for him. Equally once you have washed his t shirts do they smell clean? As some deodorant can hold smell in the clothes so could be not putting on a fresh smelling t shirt.

Regards deodorant - sprays not nice for the throat and can smell quite strong, roll on can be sticky and annoying to dry. Have you tried a stick?

Bedding should be 100% cotton not polyester or blends

Could be sensory issues - maybe a huge fluffy towel. Plus is it cold when he gets out? Very annoying but my child streams up the bathroom (shower room) before he will get in the shower.

Toothbrushes - electric maybe doesn’t like vibrations etc. go manual or maybe doesn’t like mint flavoured toothpaste. Always lots of options to go down