How do I tell my mother to stop criticising my home?

[Dogmum15]

Hi everyone, just on for a bit of advice really on how you suggest I deal with this situation.

So firstly I am a mother of a 3 year old boy who is a absolutely crazy. He runs around the house like a hurricane and messes everything in his path. My husband and I both work full time, sometimes 10 hour days and I am now pregnant with our second child and struggling with a pretty constant all day nausea so I haven't been as good with housework as I usually am.

The issue I'm having is my mother. Naturally with working full time and having a crazy toddler our house isn't the tidiest. Clean yes, as in mopped daily, hoovered daily, kitchens and bathrooms clean, clothes clean and fresh food. However, there's constantly toys lying around from the child and the dog, washing to be put away, washing hanging out, dishes in the sink as we do like to cook from scratch, deliveries to be put away and shoes/socks lying around that my son has decided to throw everywhere. I have a lady who comes and helps me clean every 2 weeks when I'm at work, she does a deep clean of the house every second Friday.

My mother constantly brings it up how my house is so messy and when I ask her what's messy about it she constantly just says " washing shouldn't sit on the kitchen table". This has happened pretty consistently and I genuinely don't think we have a messy house, lived in yes but not messy.

This morning I was at a soft play event with my son and I had 6 missed calls from my mother. I rang her back thinking it was an emergency and she started screaming at me down the phone saying that she had let herself in to my home and that she was disgusted at the state of the house. I was genuinely confused and asked had the dog done something in the house and she said no that there was washing sitting on the kitchen table (ironed and folded might I add) and how I should be ashamed bringing my son up in such a state of a house.

I just hung up on her because I could feel my anxiety rising and I didn't want it to ruin my morning with my son.

How would you broach this topic with her that she needs to back off? I can't be the only one struggling with housework on top of a toddler and working and being pregnant. Any advice welcome, thank you all :)

She's got a bloody nerve. Please get the key back off her so she can't just let herself in whenever she wants. It's not her home.

I would remove her access to my home. She clearly has a mental issue connected with tidiness and your home does not need to be part of it.

is your partner helping to clean up? That said just take your key off her.

Was she a SAHM? Working full time with small kids means the home will never be spotless - yours sounds cleaner than mine tbh.

@YoBetty glad Im not the only one who thinks this. I was genuinely taken back as she was getting on as if we live in squalor! We certainly do not! Yes I actually text her afterwards to say to leave her key out for me to collect x

If tell her that unless she wants to help you clean she can jog on

2 adults with only one kid should be able to keep the house tidy.

If you don't learn to do it now, can you imagine what it's going to look like when you have a newborn as well?

@icedcoffeetomyveins yes she was actually! She didn't work until we were in our teens. Like my home is certainly not show home standard and never will be but it's just the usual toddler, life mess xx

@Larrythecatforpm yes he does but sometimes he works away with work due to setting up a company overseas so it's only me and my son. But when he is home yeah he is a great help :)

@Devilsmommy funny that's what my husband said to tell her lol

@BananagramBadger yeah I do agree with this!

Tell her you & hubby feel uncomfortable that she’s just letting herself in and need the key back, if your worried she’ll kick off get the hubby to do it.

And so you should. I too have a whirlwind 3 year old so I know the havoc they leave in their wake😅

How would you broach the topic? Seriously?

Call her up and tell her in no uncertain terms to never comment of the state for your house again. Tell her to mind her own business and keep her nose out.

Time to grow a backbone OP.

She sounds as if she has significant MH issues. Get your house key back from her and suggest she investigates therapy.

That you’ll consider taking her calls again once she addresses her issues and apologises, possibly.

I don't know anyone who mops and hoovers daily ! Tell her your standards are different to yours and she can like it or lump it. Get your key back and only see her outside of your house.

@Larrythecatforpm yeah that's a great idea. Ive sent a text saying to leave the key out for me to collect.

@Devilsmommy some days it's just genuinely not worth the battle sure it's not haha 😆 I just let the mess be and tackle it when he's in bed! It's hard work!

@Violetparis I only do it because we also have a Labrador who sheds big time haha plus I have one of those little robot hoover things that goes round when we are at work! X

@SlightlyAjar Yeah she has had MH issues in the past. PTSD from something that happened years ago which is why I probably let her away with more than what I should but today was just uncalled for! Thanks for the advice.

Two adults with one kid should be able to live as they please.
The state of their house is no-one's business but their own.

@Weekmindedfool Thank you for the advice. I would NEVER comment on the state of someone's home and was very taken back by her outburst this morning. Definitely think I need to take a stronger stance on it.

@thistimelastweek thank you! I'll add I also have. A slobbery hairy Labrador hence the hoovering and mopping daily lol 😆 other than that I just have a big standard lived in home that the washing never seems to get smaller no matter who much I do haha.

I was just very taken back by her phonecall this morning and needed to know that I'm not alone in feeling that it was very very uncalled for

Whilst this is absolutely true, it often leads to people not wanting visitors round and putting off playdates for their kids etc.

If the OP and her husband are happy with dishes and laundry piled up etc, then they should definitely tell the OP's mum to butt out.

But I think long-term, they'd both be much happier if they just washed up and put everthing else away.

Afterall, the OP says she's cleaning the bathroom, floors and kitchen etc daily so it's not going to take 2 adults much longer to just finish the job.

How rude and hurtful. Get the key back.