How do I tell my mother to stop criticising my home?

[Dogmum15]

Hi everyone, just on for a bit of advice really on how you suggest I deal with this situation.

So firstly I am a mother of a 3 year old boy who is a absolutely crazy. He runs around the house like a hurricane and messes everything in his path. My husband and I both work full time, sometimes 10 hour days and I am now pregnant with our second child and struggling with a pretty constant all day nausea so I haven't been as good with housework as I usually am.

The issue I'm having is my mother. Naturally with working full time and having a crazy toddler our house isn't the tidiest. Clean yes, as in mopped daily, hoovered daily, kitchens and bathrooms clean, clothes clean and fresh food. However, there's constantly toys lying around from the child and the dog, washing to be put away, washing hanging out, dishes in the sink as we do like to cook from scratch, deliveries to be put away and shoes/socks lying around that my son has decided to throw everywhere. I have a lady who comes and helps me clean every 2 weeks when I'm at work, she does a deep clean of the house every second Friday.

My mother constantly brings it up how my house is so messy and when I ask her what's messy about it she constantly just says " washing shouldn't sit on the kitchen table". This has happened pretty consistently and I genuinely don't think we have a messy house, lived in yes but not messy.

This morning I was at a soft play event with my son and I had 6 missed calls from my mother. I rang her back thinking it was an emergency and she started screaming at me down the phone saying that she had let herself in to my home and that she was disgusted at the state of the house. I was genuinely confused and asked had the dog done something in the house and she said no that there was washing sitting on the kitchen table (ironed and folded might I add) and how I should be ashamed bringing my son up in such a state of a house.

I just hung up on her because I could feel my anxiety rising and I didn't want it to ruin my morning with my son.

How would you broach this topic with her that she needs to back off? I can't be the only one struggling with housework on top of a toddler and working and being pregnant. Any advice welcome, thank you all :)

@RandomMess very similar advice to my husband haha thank you. He said just to tell her don't come back lol

Take the key off her, how dare she do this

my dds homes aren’t the tidiest but it’s none of my business

@PieLoe thank you very much for this. Everyone will have their own opinions I know some people are superhuman and can keep on top of everything. I am not lol I can quite honestly say I am exhausted but trying my best. Yeah when baby gets here I'll be off work and my toddler will be in crèche so it'll be a different sort of chaos but one I can manage. The long work days are definitely hard especially being on my feet all day. Some evenings it's wash on, clean down the counters, shower and bed lol

Seriously? Two adults and one child aren't 'allowed' to have some clean folded washing on a table that's not yet put away??

This is so far from normal that I’m outraged on your behalf! As the mother of two adult daughters with toddlers, I’d never comment about their homes - I might ask if they needed help. I certainly wouldn’t be letting myself in even though I have keys…toddlers are whirlwinds and I’m surprised you get as much done as you do.

It’s nothing to do with anyone except you and your husband what your house looks like! How dare she let herself in and then phone to scream at you?!

@suburburban thank you for this. Yeah I have lots of friends who also have young babies and their homes are definitely the same. When I visit I always offer to wash dishes or clean away the toys or hang a wash out as they do for me. I would never comment on the state of anyone's home, it's none of my business. Everyone is going through different things in life. Thank you for the response. I aim to be the same as you when my children have their own spaces. I will help instead of hinder.

WHY was she in your house? If it was to let the dog out for a tinkle, that's one thing but if it's so she can find fault, that's a whole other ballgame.

@Tina46 thank you for this! Yeah I maybe made it sound worse than it is. My utility room isn't the biggest so my washing is folded on my dining table and sometimes can sit there until I get a minute to put it away. It seems to annoy my mother to no end.

@JuliaBraverman this is actually so refreshing and I want to thank you on your daughter's behalfs because sometimes you feel like you can't get on top of things and being offered help would be amazing. I hope I'm a mum like you when my children are grown!

Why is she just coming round without permission anyway?

@Shinyandnew1 exactly. First thing my husband asked when I told him was why was she in our home to begin with. He's gone to get the key back now.

My sister is like this. Our late father lived with me and he had care needs from 5 am to 11pm.
My sister visited once a fortnight. She did nothing for him. My house was a mess because I was trying to work too and look after my two DC. It nearly killed me. She'd come and say it was dirty. ( I had probably just cleaned up my dad's floor and washed his stained clothes. She's super tidy and she didn't lift a finger.
Your mother shuts up or helps.
I would be saying you are not helping so it's none of your business. Up your cleaner to every week if you can afford it. I have four hours a week and a quartly deep clean. It's made a huge difference. My house is large and I now feel happy for anyone to drop in.

This.

Then tell her never to bother you again on this subject, that she and you have different priorities, and she doesn't get to police your life-style.

But, really, this isn't about washing left on the table, it is about her not respecting that you are a grown adult and thinking she still has the right to scold you, like youbwere a teenager.

My mum used to criticise the tidiness of my house with comments like “my house was never this untidy with two small children! Why can’t you sort it out.
I had to put on my best calm voice to explain that I work full time, whereas she was a SAHM with a full time “maid”.
Honestly, she’s on another planet sometimes.

@Phoenix1Arisen I actually have no clue why she was in the house. My car was there you see as we were in my hubby's car so she said she thought I was in and didn't want to disturb if my son was napping by knocking. However I asked her why when she discovered we weren't in why did she continue to rummage through my house. I have a hallway and two living rooms before getting to the kitchen and she was very much in the kitchen. She shot back at me saying she didn't go upstairs to see the mess of it and I replied with good you have no right going up my stairs. She would have been sorely disappointed as my upstairs was actually tidy as I had changed the bedsheets before leaving this morning. I was livid.

@TomatoSandwiches it's something she won't be doing again lol

Both working 10 hrs a day? Just when?? When does the hours of tidying get done?

OP don’t listen to this, how depressingly judgemental.

@Dorothyperky that is just awful! You caring for your dad would have taken up a lot of your time! And with two kids that wouldn't have been easy but you know what you always have the memories with him and the satisfaction that YOU were the one who cared for him when he needed it. People have some nerve!!

Yeah my cleaner is a godsend when she comes I have actually considered upping her. It would be a great help

@Rhaidimiddim I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think what I was most annoyed about was the fact she was screaming at me like I was a child again when she doesn't contribute financially to my house so doesn't have the right to be commenting.

What hours of tidying?

If all the floors, the bathroom and the kitchen is being cleaned daily as the OP states, it's only a few extra minutes to wash up and put the laundry away.

But having said that, it's not for the OP's mum to criticise.

@WhatAMarvelousTune This is actually spot on! My mum always said to me when I went back to work after my son that I had to use the time after he was in bed to clean. I used to internally scream because I went back to work after 9 months and straight back in to shift so I was exhausted whereas she never had to do any of that. Always made me feel like how could she do it and I can't. Makes me angry and I never remember my house growing up to be spotless

@nettlesandweeds thanks for this. Yeah I usually leave the house around 7.30 drop my son off to daycare at 8 and then I leave work sometimes around 5.30 if I'm not working a 12 hour day which would be leaving at 9pm. Hubby works 9-6 but that's mostly 9-7 as he runs a business and has last minute meetings or issues that need sorted. Now don't get me wrong I might be off one day in a week if I'm working a weekend and I do use that day to tidy but some weeks are relentless so it's just not possible to get it all done.
Thank you for understanding this

“I suggest mother that if you’re so offended by my home that you stop coming to it. Feel free to post my key back so you don’t have to set your eyes on our unsightly home again.”

@DaisyChain505 hahaha this is the most perfect response!