How do I tell my mother to stop criticising my home?

[Dogmum15]

Hi everyone, just on for a bit of advice really on how you suggest I deal with this situation.

So firstly I am a mother of a 3 year old boy who is a absolutely crazy. He runs around the house like a hurricane and messes everything in his path. My husband and I both work full time, sometimes 10 hour days and I am now pregnant with our second child and struggling with a pretty constant all day nausea so I haven't been as good with housework as I usually am.

The issue I'm having is my mother. Naturally with working full time and having a crazy toddler our house isn't the tidiest. Clean yes, as in mopped daily, hoovered daily, kitchens and bathrooms clean, clothes clean and fresh food. However, there's constantly toys lying around from the child and the dog, washing to be put away, washing hanging out, dishes in the sink as we do like to cook from scratch, deliveries to be put away and shoes/socks lying around that my son has decided to throw everywhere. I have a lady who comes and helps me clean every 2 weeks when I'm at work, she does a deep clean of the house every second Friday.

My mother constantly brings it up how my house is so messy and when I ask her what's messy about it she constantly just says " washing shouldn't sit on the kitchen table". This has happened pretty consistently and I genuinely don't think we have a messy house, lived in yes but not messy.

This morning I was at a soft play event with my son and I had 6 missed calls from my mother. I rang her back thinking it was an emergency and she started screaming at me down the phone saying that she had let herself in to my home and that she was disgusted at the state of the house. I was genuinely confused and asked had the dog done something in the house and she said no that there was washing sitting on the kitchen table (ironed and folded might I add) and how I should be ashamed bringing my son up in such a state of a house.

I just hung up on her because I could feel my anxiety rising and I didn't want it to ruin my morning with my son.

How would you broach this topic with her that she needs to back off? I can't be the only one struggling with housework on top of a toddler and working and being pregnant. Any advice welcome, thank you all :)

So its a perfectly normal lived in family home with two working adults, a small child and a dog by the sound of it.
Who wants show home perfection? Not me for sure. I don't live on Instagram.

@Dogmum15 You might need to get the locks changed as if determined she might have a copy of key made before handing you back the spare so she still has a key you don't think she has

You are doing amazingly well and don’t let her interfere. Would a long talk with her help?

How did she respond to being asked for the key back?

Sounds like she has some anxiety and keeping order is a way of managing that?
But that's her worry for her home. Calling you up to tell you you have a messy house is unacceptable. Does she always think she can control you? This behaviour sounds wildly past the realms of normal. Get your key back quick.

Hello OP's mum

I'm glad you're angry. She deserves to feel that anger.

ETA - but, not wanting to make excuses for her, but I wonder about her rationality. Rational people don't get driven to scream at their grown children about a life-style choice of so little consequence as leaving a basket of clean washing on the dining-room table. Is she developing unhealthy obsessions about other stuff, too?

Unless she’s letting herself in to help you by putting cleaning washing away she can bugger off. What a way to treat your pregnant daughter. Removing her key is the best move.

Deleted as duplicate

Are you always so ghastly ?

I can't believe she wouldn't just offer her support! I'm pregnant and have a 3 year old, the housework has definitely suffered since I've been pregnant but both my mam and dad's partner have offered to help around the house for me. They haven't judged or commented on anything they've seen but simply offered to lighten the load for me.

Side note, I have a family member who went no contact with a parent after comments about the state of her house. Your mum needs to learn to keep her opinions to herself. Glad you're getting the key back, she won't be able to comment on what she doesn't get to see anymore!

Ha. Exactly right there.

Demand your house key back as she is totally out of order,

You missed the part where the OP stated she wirks full time and up to 10 hours a day. For SahMs there's no excuse to have pristine home. For parents who work fulll times as long as it's clean that's fine.

Get the key back, and don’t answer her calls. Call her only if you feel up to it. She’s a lunatic.

Did she say anything to DH when he picked up the key? I hope she didn’t get a copy made! Cheeky cow!

I wouldn't say anything to her like 'the house is a mess' or whatever, that's just agreeing she's right. And she's not, she's batshit. I'd be clear she's not welcome because of her rudeness. 'No, we'll meet you at the park, DH and I aren't comfortable with you being here after what you've said/done'

Frankly I'd have lost the plot quite a bit sooner OP, and she'd have found herself in the front garden before she knew what was happening. Quite possibly with all the clean washing following her at speed! 😂

If I saw my daughter struggling I’d be letting myself in to do the housework for her and make her life easier not criticising. It sounds like you’re perfectly happy with how your house is but if not and you need some extra help maybe your partner could step up his contribution to the housework? But your mum needs to either help or back off!

My dd has her own home, which she shares with her partner. They are not the tidiest of people. I have a spare key to their place.

Not in a million years would I dream of letting myself into their flat and doing some cleaning or tidying for them unasked and uninvited. That would be overstepping the mark by a country mile, and they would be seriously annoyed.

I mean your mum in 2nd paragraph not my dd

You take the key off her, as a priority and then tell her to mind her own business.

Exactly this. Thistimelastweek can piss off

Screaming at you? That’s out of order!

my home is clean but not tidy. I also have two wild young boys and me and my DH work 90 hrs a week between us…so yeah it’s not pristine. My mum makes comments all the time. More like remarks an comments not screaming. But she don’t work at all when we were kids and we were allowed toys downstairs etc but I can’t afford that and want my kids to play properly.

I just ignore her and regularly send her the dust if you must poem

Anxiety my foot. Interfering busybody more like.

’awwww thanks mum - I’d love you to clean the house while I’m out. How kind of you to see how busy I am and offer. Thanks’