How do I tell my mother to stop criticising my home?

[Dogmum15]

Hi everyone, just on for a bit of advice really on how you suggest I deal with this situation.

So firstly I am a mother of a 3 year old boy who is a absolutely crazy. He runs around the house like a hurricane and messes everything in his path. My husband and I both work full time, sometimes 10 hour days and I am now pregnant with our second child and struggling with a pretty constant all day nausea so I haven't been as good with housework as I usually am.

The issue I'm having is my mother. Naturally with working full time and having a crazy toddler our house isn't the tidiest. Clean yes, as in mopped daily, hoovered daily, kitchens and bathrooms clean, clothes clean and fresh food. However, there's constantly toys lying around from the child and the dog, washing to be put away, washing hanging out, dishes in the sink as we do like to cook from scratch, deliveries to be put away and shoes/socks lying around that my son has decided to throw everywhere. I have a lady who comes and helps me clean every 2 weeks when I'm at work, she does a deep clean of the house every second Friday.

My mother constantly brings it up how my house is so messy and when I ask her what's messy about it she constantly just says " washing shouldn't sit on the kitchen table". This has happened pretty consistently and I genuinely don't think we have a messy house, lived in yes but not messy.

This morning I was at a soft play event with my son and I had 6 missed calls from my mother. I rang her back thinking it was an emergency and she started screaming at me down the phone saying that she had let herself in to my home and that she was disgusted at the state of the house. I was genuinely confused and asked had the dog done something in the house and she said no that there was washing sitting on the kitchen table (ironed and folded might I add) and how I should be ashamed bringing my son up in such a state of a house.

I just hung up on her because I could feel my anxiety rising and I didn't want it to ruin my morning with my son.

How would you broach this topic with her that she needs to back off? I can't be the only one struggling with housework on top of a toddler and working and being pregnant. Any advice welcome, thank you all :)

I would get the key back off her/change the locks. And Id stop mopping/hoovering etc everyday........ just do what needs doing when it needs doing. Once a week in most instances is fine. x
Ooops sorry just saw you have a slobbery hairy Labrador! Either way even with a bit of mess I bet your house is way tidier/cleaner than mine..... and my house is totally fine!

You sound like you are doing an amazing job @Dogmum15 . Wish my house was as clean as yours.
Your mum is out of order and I would tell her so. I would find it very hard to do this calmly though! Maybe meditate first.

Why isn't your mum helping you? She has a key to your house so she could surely do a quick tidy up (if you didn't mind) when she visits.

This

And tell her one more word from her and you're NC for a month. And follow it through

Don't allow her to treat you like that

Remove access to your home and unless she feels like helping she can wind her neck in.

Just remind her she had f* all else to do but to tidy up after other people as she didn’t work. At least you’re financially contributing to society.

You sound like you're doing just great to me and this is very much your mum's issue and not yours.
I also clean, hoover and mop daily and my washing machine is on more than it's off and yet my house is never showhome standard either - you could spend an entire day doing a huge clean and tidy and all it takes is one cute little whirlwind to come along and all of your hardwork is undone (in my case, the whirlwinds are my dogs) and you have to start again.
I'd say your mum owes you a massive apology.

I'm glad you've asked for the key back. It's outrageous that she called you and yelled at you when she shouldn't have even been there in the first place.

If you were my daughter and I'd seen the house was a bit of a mess, I would have stayed while you were out and spent an hour whizzing around tidying up. She could have made herself useful instead of haranguing you.

Your mother sounds abusive
Get the key back and keep her at arms length

@MyballsareSandy2015 yes I definitely will thank you!

@Okiedokie123 thank you for this, this has made me feel heaps better!! I have a little robot friend to help me so I don't always have to lug the hoover around lol he's called eufy and he's a great help hahaha! But yeah some days are better than others and I agree with you 100% that our houses are just fine as they are! Xx

@IHeartJonathanBailey awww this is really really kind thank you. Some days after work it's a real struggle especially when hubbies away with work and ive just done a 10 hour shift. Sometimes just packing the dishwasher, making a homemade meal and putting a wash on it enough. Yes I was really angry earlier so I might ring her later and tell her if she has an issue then just don't come to the house anymore. X

One how dare she let herself into your home! To then call you constantly and scream at you about the state of your house?! If she truly thought it was a mess, why couldn't she have cleared up for you? You have a toddler, pregnant and work!
Make her return your key. Tell her if she has nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Explain how awfully rude she is and that you need a break from her.

@Theresmagicwheretheflowersgrow hi love the name! This is actually what my husband said if it was that bad why didn't she help out. I wouldn't have expected her to but yes I suppose you're right!

@Pickledonions12 thank you for this :)

@TheFlyingPenguin yeah I definitely will

Oh don’t back down now. Stay firm, it will only get worse from here and she will remember you doing that.

@Jamesblonde2 this is actually so true and she doesn't think about that. I work shift patterns to sometimes could be nights days or weekends and I'm flipping exhausted these days coming off shift. My job is also quite physically demanding so I'm knackered coming home most days especially in this first trimester. Thanks for this :)

@AddictedToBooks thank you so much for this, this comment has really helped me. Out houses are lived in and perfect and our little whirlwinds are more than worth the mess! As long as my child and my dog are happy then that's all that matters! You sound like you're doing fabulous x

Speak to her adult to adult.

Mum, it is unacceptable that you criticise my life choices including our home. It’s rude and you will not be welcome if it continues.

@TFImBackIn thank you so much for this. Yeah my husband said that too if she thought it was so messy why didn't she help. I'm just removing her key so she can't get in. Yes my house was a little messy before soft play as we were running late and had just prepped a marinade for dinner so there were dishes but now I'm home the place is clean again and my son is napping. She really made me feel like my house was a squalor house! Madness

@Kinfluencer thank you for this, yes I certainly will!

But she won’t be working then so she can do it in manageable amounts. Little and often.

The Mum should help!
Really sad to criticise and then no offer to ease things.
She is trying.
It’s hard when you have worked all day in heat or stood up all day long.

@PepsiBook thank you very much for commenting. Yeah I definitely will be doing this as it was totally uncalled for!

Agree