How do I tell my mother to stop criticising my home?

[Dogmum15]

Hi everyone, just on for a bit of advice really on how you suggest I deal with this situation.

So firstly I am a mother of a 3 year old boy who is a absolutely crazy. He runs around the house like a hurricane and messes everything in his path. My husband and I both work full time, sometimes 10 hour days and I am now pregnant with our second child and struggling with a pretty constant all day nausea so I haven't been as good with housework as I usually am.

The issue I'm having is my mother. Naturally with working full time and having a crazy toddler our house isn't the tidiest. Clean yes, as in mopped daily, hoovered daily, kitchens and bathrooms clean, clothes clean and fresh food. However, there's constantly toys lying around from the child and the dog, washing to be put away, washing hanging out, dishes in the sink as we do like to cook from scratch, deliveries to be put away and shoes/socks lying around that my son has decided to throw everywhere. I have a lady who comes and helps me clean every 2 weeks when I'm at work, she does a deep clean of the house every second Friday.

My mother constantly brings it up how my house is so messy and when I ask her what's messy about it she constantly just says " washing shouldn't sit on the kitchen table". This has happened pretty consistently and I genuinely don't think we have a messy house, lived in yes but not messy.

This morning I was at a soft play event with my son and I had 6 missed calls from my mother. I rang her back thinking it was an emergency and she started screaming at me down the phone saying that she had let herself in to my home and that she was disgusted at the state of the house. I was genuinely confused and asked had the dog done something in the house and she said no that there was washing sitting on the kitchen table (ironed and folded might I add) and how I should be ashamed bringing my son up in such a state of a house.

I just hung up on her because I could feel my anxiety rising and I didn't want it to ruin my morning with my son.

How would you broach this topic with her that she needs to back off? I can't be the only one struggling with housework on top of a toddler and working and being pregnant. Any advice welcome, thank you all :)

I just wanted to let you know that I was a sahm and I had two dogs and I certainly didn’t mop or hoover daily, so you’ve got nothing to be ashamed about. You’re doing more than I ever did.

I would write her a letter or an email telling her to mind her own business, that you work full-time etc, that she upsets you, that she's in danger of losing her relationship etc. She needs to learn boundaries, clearly she doesn't feel comfortable in your house so best you meet somewhere else in the future.

It’s the Mother!

I've always got washing all over the place certainly doesn't stop me or my kids having people over. Same as everyone I know.

I have a 4 month old baby. A 4 year old, our house is the same it’s ok x

I think if you to a cost analysis for your cleaner against your salary it is probably worth having a few more hours. I pay £20 per hour (south) I had a cleaner until Christmas and have just got new ones. We are three people plus a dog and I'm disabled so can't do much. I didn't know the make of my oven but they cleaned it!
I'm having a garden maintenance man next and I've got a steamer to use instead of an iron ( I can't lift anything). Adjustments are what helps with a family and I recommend Marks portioned meat and fish and sainsbury veg bags.

Why is she going into your house? Just change the locks!

@CharlotteSometimes1 thank you for this :) I have a little robot called eufy that helps out it goes around and Hoover's and can mop as well when I'm at work so I use that a good bit!

@Bristolandlazy yes she definitely mustn't feel comfortable in my home! And the funny thing is her house isn't tidy and there's only her and my dad. And I NEVER comment.

“Mum - I am sick and tired of you criticising my home. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

@Gingercatlover thank you for this. Yeah the issue isn't my cleaning skills. God forbid I have washing sitting around. It's my mother's reaction to it that has bothered me.

Maybe you should start

@Chilly80 hey, no and it definitely shouldn't! Your house is lived in and a happy home!! I have people round all the time and nobody ever comments!

Anyway
You’re doing great OP
& your child won’t remember mess - only the fun.
Play event or dealing with mess? You are a fab Mum.

Criticism will drive away relationships.

@cannynotsay thank you for this and congratulations on the new arrival! I hope you're surviving and enjoying the kids x

Lol

last time I visited DD, lives a distance and new mum, she got me washing up and hoovering.

to me it seems like she has too much time on her hands and needs to get a life.

In addition to retrieving your key. I would start to arrange meet ups with your mum away from your home. Only invite her to yours when you intens to have a big clean up beforehand. If she pops over unexpectedly, I’d say sorry mum I can’t invite you in as the house is a mess (if not up to her standards). She reaps what she sows.

@Miranda65 exactly!! We are getting the key off her x

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius yep! Love this!

@Chilly80 yep 100%!

@PieLoe thank you so much for this that's so sweet to say! X

@Firefly100 that's actually a really good point. She might get the hint then

How dare she! I’d be getting the key back and wouldn’t speak to her until she apologises. No one needs that negativity in their lives.

I had this with my mother in law. Happily my own mother is good friends with her, and once when I was not there and mil was commenting, my mum said (in a very nice way) that it was not her house and not her business, and not something she could change.

I’d suggest you take your key back. Then next time when you invite her you say. “Mum, before you come I need you to understand something. I need you to not comment on our home. It is our home, not your home, and how we live is none of your business.” And don’t deviate from that script. Don’t justify yourself. She is overstepping the mark here.

If she is wise, she will learn. Because as adults, we only have to see our parents and in-laws if we want to, if they make our lives better.

I'd change the locks.

Perhaps meet outside the house?

Beyond that as not sure - my house was at times litterally spotless having been cleaned to nth of it's life prior to visit and still had comments.

TBH I've refused to engage or make some comment about that being a bit rude in a soft way over the years.