Is anyone a reluctant carer for an adult child?

[massivestress]

Name changed for this as I’m aware I will sound like a complete cow.
i can’t cope mentally anymore. My ds has a mental illness which has taken over their life. No job, moved out for a couple weeks, couldn’t cope. Has taken over the dining room and is in there 24/7 except to come and eat all the snacks or have dinner if I cajole them.
wont engage with social services, attends therapy we pay for at £200 a session (fortnightly, I’m in debt) as the NHS more severe support is shit and has a waiting list anyway. Is almost 30. Has given up all hope. Doesn’t pay anything to us due to some bloody stupid choices they can’t change now. It’s like my life is over. ive suggested going on the council list - no. Over the years we’ve paid for so much therapy and supported things. I can’t see an end in sight, I’m just stuck now with this person getting older and more and more reclusive.

Thank you, honestly I've busted a gut and tried every avenue since he was at least 11/12. I'm not going to do anything else, nothing works.

OP don't internalise his crap about saying you're an abuser. I've had that too. I'm completely normal and would rather die than abuse anyone. I'd put money on it that you're the same.

That's so kind of you, I manage to carve out bits for me. I go and see my other son and I get a lot of pleasure from my animals.

this is an abusive relationship. He abuses you. Manipulation, control. If this was husband and wife, this would be leave immediately, calls women’s aid for help, keep safe. Probably much easier for me to say/see as I’m not emotionally involved. You are important too op, your happiness matters.

However under the description of what domestic abuse is, the op's situation would fall under it as it is much wider than an intimate relationship.

I totally get it. 💐

Also, I can probably only say this as I’m not in this situation so don’t understand, but, are you giving him too much support? Why would you do anything for an adult who gives you nothing back but abuse? So do No cooking, no shopping, no £200 a week support (spend it on yourself instead), no laundry etc

When your son is in his room, what is he doing? Could he be stuck down social media algorithms of negative content which is validating his behaviour towards you and exacerbating his mental health struggles?
I'd be tempted to get rid of the internet tbh and just have a phone contact on your own phone with unlimited data so you can still watch streaming services yourself.

I am so sorry @Dogaredabomb this is where I’m headed I think. I have others younger than him and I just wish I could enjoy them without this constant stress of needing some long term plan that he’s on board with.
I can’t do anything with the internet, the other kids are studying or working and need it, I don’t have the energy to look up how to ban devices or whatever. Everything on top of this is so hard to do.
I am sort of relieved not to be alone it definitely helps me think maybe I haven’t created this awful situation and ruined his chances.
someone suggested an ongoing support thread and I will definitely do that, it’s kind of weirdly nice to feel like it’s not me creating this unique situation?

I totally get the overwhelm and not having the energy on how to block devices. You have so much going on.

Juat wanted to add something else that I’ve done when my relationship was rocky with DC2.

I realised that we were in a very negative cycle of behaviour, to the point when I was tense when I saw her and this must have shown in my face. She is, as I’ve mentioned before, super sensitive to things like perceived criticism and facial expressions. So I made a conscious decision to act as though seeing her was the best thing that could have happened to me at that moment. Not over the top but a big, relaxed smile and a lovely hello. And she relaxed in time. She must have been as tense as I was getting.

Gradually in time I had to fake it less and now we do have times where we enjoy each other’s company. There are also times where she’s telling us to fuck off and slamming doors but those times are so much less.

OP if you have any children under 18 in the house, especially if they have any NDs you can use that to get him a council tenancy. You can make him 'homeless at home' or at least I did 10 years ago. It took nearly a year.

However, my son didn't manage to live independently so it's not the panacea really. In some ways it's 'easier' (but much worse too) if the mental illness is more severe.

When people are saying their adult children didnt live independently, what does that mean? What areas do they fail in? Why does that mean you need to take them back on?

Cleaning, cooking, managing finances. Dealing with the isolation of living alone, fear and loneliness, to name but a few .

That’s a really good tip actually. I realise in retrospect that was what I was doing wrong too. I wish I had had your advice when I needed it.

Keeping a job, washing clothes, getting to places on time, managing emotional stability, cooking, etc

We had some really rocky times, especially when they were in High School and it took me bloody ages to figure out just how sensitive she is to facial expressions and tone of voice. Sensitive to the point that most people wouldn’t understand so don’t be too hard on yourself

Placemarking

Not sure if you’re in London but this sounds like OCD and or bipolar, best place for help is the Maudsley, they can advise you on meds and any local services to you. Hang in there 😥 it’s so horrible but the only way is through it Im afraid.

That’s a bit of a weird question. I suppose they came back home because otherwise they would be homeless and living on the streets? There aren’t many parents that would view that option as necessary unless they’d gone through the other options, like having them back at home.

'They?' Is he or her trans on top of everything else?

The OP has already explained why they referred to their DC as they.

Please read the full thread before posting and secondly have a think how inappropriate your post might be given how distressed the OP already is.

Where? I can't see the post. I only asked, by the way. No need to bite my head off.

I’m really sorry my writing style has annoyed people. It’s just how I write. I do kind of case studies sometimes at work and have to be anonymous and I think it’s probably influenced it. I don’t really think about it, I’ve often used they for like she or he. I’ll try and stick to one. No gender issues.

Thanks @Cocoloqui I will look up.

I'm going to use your tip, thank you. It's really given me pause for thought.

I'm certain that my 'weathering' must emanate from my face and voice. It must be horrible to be on the receiving end of someone (me) who is just tired of you. And tired by you.

Imagine just being no one's favourite person, ever. And, like all of us, I do love my son. I want him to feel some love even if it's only from his mum.