Is anyone a reluctant carer for an adult child?

[massivestress]

Name changed for this as I’m aware I will sound like a complete cow.
i can’t cope mentally anymore. My ds has a mental illness which has taken over their life. No job, moved out for a couple weeks, couldn’t cope. Has taken over the dining room and is in there 24/7 except to come and eat all the snacks or have dinner if I cajole them.
wont engage with social services, attends therapy we pay for at £200 a session (fortnightly, I’m in debt) as the NHS more severe support is shit and has a waiting list anyway. Is almost 30. Has given up all hope. Doesn’t pay anything to us due to some bloody stupid choices they can’t change now. It’s like my life is over. ive suggested going on the council list - no. Over the years we’ve paid for so much therapy and supported things. I can’t see an end in sight, I’m just stuck now with this person getting older and more and more reclusive.

My brother is now 47; 48 at the end of the year and in a similar position. He’s just been plagued with very poor mental health, made poor decisions which have meant his situation has worsened and his mental health deteriorated and it’s just an endless carousel of crap!

I feel so so sorry for him. He has no partner or friends, is desperately lonely and isolated and has no life. He often ruminates on this. I sympathise but there’s very little that I can do about it. I have two young children of my own and a job,

It’s awful - it’s so exhausting and there isn’t any help. I’m not even sure what this would look like. He needs to redo his life again from age 18 onwards but that’s just not possible.

Thanks. I will try carers groups. It’s reached a point where he has said I’m abusive and frightening and he doesn’t want to speak to me. I don’t have any copies of anything, nhs or private.
this stems from him not doing anything, refusing to answer calls, texts etc in the same house so I end up knocking and waking him. I did lose my temper massively recently over the water running and threatened to call social services etc. I’m definitely a planner and I have sent messages with links to social housing, social services etc last year which they resent and say they feel like I hate them.
I have shouted but I don’t think I’m abusive. Everything gets reframed like trying to say don’t do the ocd is retold as making fun of him.

I’m really worried about posting in case he googles and find this thread. I don’t think I’ll put any more examples.

It sounds like the other way around, honestly.

Obviously nobody can diagnose on the internet, nor should they but how he views your actions does sound similar to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

My pretty sure my ND DC2 has this and we have to be very careful how any interactions are phrased

Oh dear. If you haven’t seen the assessment then you are working in the dark and I guess you can’t try any of the things I suggested to get more help with no info or consent.

If he isn’t willing to do more to change and work with you to get him help then nothing will ever change and you have to treat it as being his own decision not to move forward and stop enabling poor choices hence the non violent resistance

I agree it is you who is being abused. You are scared of him even from what you’ve written here. If he finds the thread then so what? What’s the issue with you having an outlet to discuss the impact on you. What are you scared of?

Please stop paying for therapy he’ll be using it as a space to whinge about you no doubt.
if he gets benefits then start charging some rent if only to cover the water bills
stop nagging him to do stuff or shouting at him but on the flip side make it less comfortable for him to keep the status quo so that he gets a push to seek proper help and make efforts to recover.

I know I’ve not helped at times, I really do. I don’t want to be abusive I feel sick thinking I’ve done the wrong things. I tried to apologise today but they wouldn’t come out and I’ve decided not to use text for anything except ‘teas ready’.

Your not a cow your not a awful person.
You have done your best tried your hardest, its now time for someone else to come and take over.

@TinyMouseTheatre this really stuck a chord ‘The sudden change from feeling perfectly fine to feeling intensely sad that results from RSD is often misdiagnosed as rapid cycling mood disorder.‘

I appreciate its guess work thank you but maybe I can try to think like this.
I don’t think it’s intentional I think I’m really stressed by it all so it’s all so hard. I’m going to try carers groups, I’ve always avoided it because of just the stress of talking about it all

In our area we have mental health cafes where people can drop in and have a coffee/ chat with others for support. Is there anything similar in his area?

Yes please do reach out to social care. They will be able to help you and your son.
There has to be light at the end of the tunnel for you both.

Sending hugs. X

OP and others, I'd be keen to continue this thread for peer support? I've been really grateful for the suggestions above re carers networks, in my mind I've always assumed these are for people caring physically, and it has been a revelation on this thread to acknowledge to myself what an impact it is having on me and that yes, I'm a carer too.

Like you OP I have been trying to be calmer. I find this easier when I acknowledge I only have so much control over the situation and need to detach more. One of the things I say to myself, if you have a faith background at all, is 'my child is Your child too', and that does help me recognise it isn't all down to me.

@redmapleleaves1 yes I would love that. It’s been really helpful and I’ve managed the last couple of days not to start ‘nagging’ or rising to anything. I’ve really leaned on dh and I think I need therapy tbh.
check ins on how we are all doing would be really lovely

@redmapleleaves1 staying calm all of the time must take an Herculean effort at times. I hope you find a Carer’s Network that is supportive

@massivestressI think therapy will help good for you. It can be really difficult sometimes to reflect and make changes if you’re constantly worried about how your DS is going to react or what he’s going to get up to next.

I know I mentioned RSD before, and I know you’ve not mentioned ND, but I would also have a look at strategies to help people with PDA. My DC2 isn’t diagnosed with PDA but is ND and I often treat them as though they have PDA. It just seems to make our relationship run a little smoother

So sorry you are going through this, must be heartbreaking as well as a massive load to be carrying. Has his mental capacity been assessed by a social worker? I am just wondering due to his mental health and paranoia is this having an impact on being able to weigh up information in order to make a decision. So he can talk the talk but not walk the walk so comes across really well but he isnt able to put it in practice in his day to day life. Speaking as a social worker get in contact with adult services and if you believe actually he capacity to make decisions are in question than they have a duty to assess him even if he refuses, same if there are any safeguarding concerns. Remember you can't pour from an empty glass

Threatening to kill himself if you seek help to try and make him better is highly manipulative behaviour. Unfortunately I think you will need to be cruel to be kind here. He is taking advantage of you. You do not need to live the rest of your life like this and you can push him out and into his own accommodation. Whilst he undoubtedly has mental health issues I bet they will make a significant improvement when you are no longer pandering to his every need.

Agree with this, hes threatening suicide to get his own way, its abusive and if anyone else was behaving like that you'd have them out, MH issues or not. He undoubtedly has issues however hiding from life isnt going to help anyone and his issues dont need to be causing you issues.
Can you speak to him very simply and give 2 options and an end date of when you want him out. Or make living there more difficult for him?
I know I sound cruel, but he already has issues which he wont accept help for but it doesnt need to cause you issues.

Nothing sounds cruel it’s all just so stressful I’m lost about long term as a opposed to day to day.
some of the suggestions are really helpful, and I will follow up. Currently I don’t have any outside support except the paid for therapy and whatever wait list (nhs).
we are in one of the refusing to speak to me because I shouted at them phases so I can’t ask for any details.
its a cycle that’s been like this for years. I get stressed by behaviours linked to mental health, they don’t talk to me, I end up shouting, they get more stressed and stop talking to me after a massive row. It’s been like this for years to be fair.

I think it sounds intolerable and cannot go on . I think you are going to have to ignore empty threats about killing himself and move towards assisted living . Otherwise what’s the alternative, you
die of stress , you split up with DH because of this , there’s no good to come from him sitting in a room ignoring all the agencies trying to help . You would actually be helping by moving his life on .

They are empty threats about killing himself. I would be honest and tell him nothing will change if he doesn’t make changes himself, what will he do when you & DH aren’t around anymore? He must start making a effort and that starts with assisted living, don’t take no for an answer if he screams & shouts and makes more empty threats just continue with he needs to move into assisted living. this isn’t just depression, his behaviour is actually abusive.

How on earth do you know they are empty threats? If you have ever lived with someone who has severe mental health issues and is suicidal you would never be so flippant.

I'm in the same situation, I've given up really. Nothing helps so why try? Mine is 35 and did have a council property for 10 years, didn't cope whatsoever.

So he's assigned his tenancy to his much younger brother and has moved home with me. I'm just glad to have rescued my other child really, from him. And I am able to deflect him in general from being a menace to society.

Thankfully I was able to force him to let me get him pip, uc, lcwra and I'm on CA. I take too much harassment night and day to be able to have a job/life.

I'm resigned to it and just grateful that I've paid off my house and managed to get one child away, safe and happy.

I'm going to downsize and give my younger son his half of the inheritance now so he doesn't have to deal with the mentally ill one when I'm gone.

I've tried everything in the world and it's like whack a mole, there's a new fixation and rage everyday. His father was a paranoid angry menace and I'm repenting at leisure.

I know I sound awful, but I'm just being realistic after decades of hell.

Sorry, I know how awful that sounds. Things that help me stay sane (ish) haha - I don't nag. I never ask him to do anything around the house or garden. He absolutely will not help and I could beg, cajole, ask adult to adult, threaten so the end result is that I have to do it anyway.

This way I remove the stress of the row. Also if I want him to clean his teeth because the smell makes me feel sick I don't mention it I just walk around cleaning my teeth in his field of vision until he gets the independent thought to do it.

I take almost all his benefits because I have to manage the finances. If he didn't acquiesce to this he wouldn't be allowed to live here.

Oh God how absolutely awful. I narrowly escaped this so my heart goes out to you.

I’m so sorry, honestly this has made me almost weep for you. I can relate to some extent, you feel trapped. But you can’t continue letting him control your life like this, when you’re old what will become of you? I know he’s given up the house, but at what cost to you, you matter too.