Thread 56 – Covid GCSE Cohort – Spring 26 – Yr 4 Uni and Graduates

[crazycrofter]

The old thread has filled up and no one noticed - I think we're missing @oblomov26 sharp eyes!

I've tried to tag in everyone I can think of, but apologies to anyone I've missed!
@shimy @endlessdistraction @justherewithmypopcorn @mummyinbeds @aslockton @oubliettebravo @craggyrat @anothernewname460 @ealingwestmum @ewwsprouts @seeline @piggywaspushed @nctdn @icanbewhatiwant @comefromaway @heifer @kingscotestaff @delphigirl @zebracat @cantonet @socks1107 @blinkbonny @anneofcleavage

@Delphigirl and @ealingwestmum i sympathise completely. Mother with dementia, when she broke her second hip a year ago she had awful delirium in hospital. Thought the nurses station was a bar at one point! But lots of random thoughts, beliefs and really unpleasant and aggressive at times which is not her usual at all. She would be mortified if her rational self knew what she had said and done.

Awful as it is I find I have to laugh at some of the bonkers stuff but to be honest if you don’t laugh you cry sometimes. It’s incredibly difficult for all involved so sending my sympathies to you both.

Sorry to hear about dealing with dementia. My mother was diagnosed late last year. I’ve been very bad at visiting. Mostly because work is crazy, and it’s 180 miles each way. I’m going up to Newcastle for a 50th birthday in November. I’ll swing by Yorkshire and see how she’s doing.

Also hoping to see DS whilst I’m up there. He caught the train to Newcastle yesterday. I’m going to miss him being around! He was initially reluctant about my visit. But once he realised that I’d booked accommodation (so wouldn’t need to visit his house), his focus shifted to how many meals I might provide!

@Delphigirl and @ealingwestmum I am sorry to hear about your mothers' dementia. It is a horrid condition.

My MIL is doing well with her broken wrist. Fracture clinic is pleased with her and she is no longer in pain. Hopefully, it does not sap her confidence. We are off to a local production of Come From Away at the weekend and then Blood Brothers touring production next week. Two theatre trips in 4 days! She is great to spend time with, I am very lucky to have her in my life. I never got on with my own mum, but I have the best MIL anyone could wish for.

Ah that's good @Aslockton similarly I got on a lot better with my late MIL than my own mum who has always been hard work, we lost MIL suddenly about 7 years ago and I really miss her. I saw the touring production of Blood Brothers a few months ago, it was superb. It was the first show I ever saw in the West End back in the 80s.

Congratulations to DD on the driving @PhotoDad ! Such a relief.

@Aslockton - I saw a local production of Come From Away in the summer and it was just brilliant - best £20 I’ve spent in s long while!

Sorry to hear about all the dementia difficulties. My MIL has also just been diagnosed with early Alzheimer's. Sadly, she's not been the sort of MIL I've ever hung out with - she's a casebook narcissist and has never really shown any interest in dh, let alone me or the kids. We're about an hour away; I've helped with finances and dh has gone over to help with DIY, but the daily calls when she's lost stuff, and dealing with things like medical appointments and tradesmen falls to dh's sisters who are local - one in particular, which is tricky for her and has already caused some tension. It's a difficult thing to go through even when you have a good relationship with your parent, but when there's anger and resentment about the past, it makes it even harder. I think the next few years will be increasingly difficult.

Ds is back at uni and this year's accommodation seems much better than last. I'm still worried about his mental health (partly because dd said she is, after speaking to him at length on Saturday night before he went). I've never had these sorts of worries about him before so it's all a bit unknown. 🤔Dd has a history of poor mental health since around 15, but I know she's also quite robust/resilient and she gets through it, with support.

Dementia / Alzheimer’s is the pits and we’re also still going through it - after losing both my mum and FIL to it last year and year before - as DH’s aunt (no partner or children) needs lots of help and DH is her POA so he’s first point of call despite being miles away. Coping with carers at the moment but the 10s of phone calls daily with the same questions is hard for DH so I answer as much as I can.
So sorry to hear so many of our loved ones have it on this thread. It terrifies me that this could so possibly be my fate (and DH’s too) and DD will have to cope alone. We’re in the process of setting up POA’s for each other and naming DD as secondary and all our bills are now in both our names.

Congrats on DD driving pass @PhotoDadand all the best for the Au Pair job start.

It's natural to worry @crazycrofter, but also so encouraging to hear how strong your DS's relationship and engagement is with his sister.

The dealing stuff alone worries us to @AnneOfCleavage, but then, there are also no guarantees that siblings do actively help, my DH and I have long learnt the meaning of 'hollow offers', and geography for my brother being in US West Coast has conveniently allowed him to neglect any care, physical or mental for over 30 years.

I am masking my own health challenges with my mother (any one mention narcissism?) which are ultimately spiky given the nature of IBDs, managing flare ups and control via meds. I get daily are you better yet, why can't you just sort it out with the doctors, what am I going to do if anything happens to you type questions, as if I have brought this on myself through mismanaging my health. I count to ten, keep breathing, and give some line, and repeat the next day. I guess she's of the thinking that if it's not cancer, then happy days, I can understand this too, she never was good with anything health related let alone understanding chronic conditions even when we were young so I let it go. Or at least I try.

In more positive news, I'm very much looking forward to seeing DD this weekend. She's in week 3, honestly, her reports are really amusing, living a temporary giant life of The Apprentice with 125 other youngsters all trying to be grown up. The London crowd are the most challenging for her, normally lovely 121, and then change character when with their cliques. As disappointing as this has been, she has really enjoyed getting to know her regional peers, all adept at silent eye-rolls when the superiority complex comes out from some. I do gently remind her to not be so harsh, insecurity applies to the quiet and the extrovert, so much masked behaviour in the early days of getting to grips with new stuff and people.

She is coping overall, does say many are understandably overwhelmed (like she at night) with overload, the having to be 'on' day and night is exhausting. But it's been well run and the staff, moderators etc are professional and engaging. I guess with the average age being so young in these types of businesses, they get it, and so long as the work gets done, it's a social environment so they have to get used to it.

It's so very hard @crazycrofter to cope with all the ups and downs isn't it? You want to fix them and you sometimes can for the moment but then something else goes wrong. ADHD/Autism are the gifts that carry on giving. I get furious when people say lightly "oh isn't everyone a little ADHD" - no they're really not!
Plus the increasing demonisation of it.
Plus the no. Of disability claims/benefits that are due to ADHD - cue lazy blighters ....
I'm having a break from my parents. We had a falling out last week over me cleaning the house. Plus putting together a walking aide that my dad then said he wouldn't use. He s very wobbly on his feet. Luckily I'm one of 4. Although my brother does nothing.....

Bless you @ealingwestmumthat is very tough. Did your mum by any chance not have to care for elderly relatives at your age? My MIL never had to as lived 100miles away from parents and she is very needy and has no idea how much we actually do - we help with everything- whereas aunt (her sister) cared for their parents single handedly hence why we are making sure she is well cared for and she is pretty good natured. Apart from her failing mind she is strong as an ox.
I’m so sorry you have health concerns you have to deal with too.
How’s your DD doing in Belfast? Remind me, is she your only?

Coincidently my DH and I were discussing this very subject @AnneOfCleavage . I think there is a lack of understanding from first gen immigrants who left their parents behind to commence new lives overseas in the 50s/60s. They had no idea what their end of care and quality was like day to day, unless they managed to move them over at some point, or shared the love between other siblings/countries. Many of my mum's friends split their time between UK/US, until they became too old to do so and had to choose a location to remain. There is a large unspoken guilt that my mother harbours over this, her mother always made her feel guilty for emigrating, and expected her to return to India when she was widowed with young children. Knowing her personality, I think she would have actually struggled with multi-generational living.

DD is my only. She is actually loving life in Belfast though there very little to experience it in full just yet. But I definitely see it as a good thing when she texts it's great to be home and sleep in my own bed on a Saturday; thank you for asking :)

Your mother sounds very frustrating @ealingwestmum - you're doing well to grit your teeth and keep things to yourself.

Glad dd is coping with the three week residential. Big 4 employees (of whatever age) can tend towards being quite 'confident' and good at selling themselves, especially the London ones. It can be a bit wearing! In fact, in my current role our tax advisors are one of the big 4 and I much prefer the corporate tax people who work out of Leeds than the London based employee tax team! But I'm sure dd will find some nice colleagues, especially in her Belfast office. We're spending a few days in N Ireland in October - I've never been before so I'm looking forward to it. Ds made a good friend from there when he was in NZ last year and he's been over a couple of times this summer.

Agreed @cantonet - the issues don't go away do they, but it's about supporting them to cope better. How has your ds settled in, after the initial wobble?

@ealingwestmumI completely missed your post as was ages typing my reply and hadn’t realised you’d responded in the meantime. How lovely you get to see DD this weekend. These first few weeks will be very tiring and overwhelming for her so having a mum hug will be great… and for you too. I know how it feels having an only too, however DD is back home living here 85% of the time. It’s helped so much as her workload is crazy busy so not having to shop and cook is a massive plus at the moment.
Is your DD with PwC? I have meno brain fog at the best of times but with all the YP on this thread it’s hard to remember. Sorry if you’ve said 😩

I think à break will be great @Cantonetand hopefully you'll be appreciated and missed.

Enjoy your trip to NI @crazycrofterWill you visit Giant’s Causeway and the Dark Hedges? The Titanic museum is also fascinating and I remember visiting some lovely Botanical
Gardens. I’ve only been once (ages ago - there’s was a fire that broke out in Primark if anyone remembers that) ) and packed a lot in but loved it so will return again.

No worries at all @AnneOfCleavage, she is indeed.

I hope too that each week is getting a touch easier for your DD. I know we shouldn’t be wishing half term upon her but conversely, the break’s there for a good reason!

I agree with Anne @crazycrofter I think it’s a great break away. The coastal lines are so incredible, for all of Ireland but each coast side has its own personality, who would have thought the Atlantic and Irish Sea etc not just be water is water! And the city is compact, but so friendly. Enjoy.

@crazycrofter I think ds2 is ok. He's gone back on Prozac which worked well for him a few years ago.
He says he's happier living in a shared house this year, compared to halls last year. He had 3 lectures yesterday and he's done a bit of socialising .That's about as much as I've gleaned!

Hope your dd is finding it a bit easier @AnneOfCleavage . She's definitely better off at home being looked after.

Thanks for the NI tips - Giant's Causeway and the Titanic museum were definitely on the list!

I did 18 years with that firm @ealingwestmum ! 😂Probably too long in hindsight but overall I had a good experience..

Glad he's getting on ok @Cantonet - lectures already 😮 Ds just rang for all of five minutes until he had a panic that he'd lost his keys, but he's been at freshers fair signing up for more societies!

Wow, that’s a substantial length of service @crazycrofter!

@crazycrofterif you’re heading up to the Giant’s Causeway area there’s a rope bridge that is very cool to cross and it’s not too far from there. We bought some yummy yellow man rock (think that’s what it’s called) from around there too.
Thank you for asking: she’s doing okay. She feels super disorganised as there’s so much to do and she is solely in charge and this is most unlike her as she is the most organised person I know and what was always said on her placement feedback forms. She’s having meetings this week with different parents to discuss EHCPs etc but she feels on left foot as barely knows them and DH is pretty sure the SENDCo is meant to sort that and be at the meeting too. There’s not been as many tears and she’s having to grow à thick skin as children come in and “my mummy is mad at you” but I know when DD was at school and she said stuff happened we’d have probably said à throwaway comment 😁 She’ll be counting down the days to half term at this rate just like you said @ealingwestmum😁 I help stick sheets in at night as TAs don’t always get round to it.

Good luck to your lads at Freshers and starting their next year @crazycrofterand @Cantonetand hope they don’t pick up too many bugs with all the new germs 🤞

Aw it actually sounds like she’s doing so well @AnneOfCleavage. It’s a baptism of fire isn’t it, but it can only get easier.

Yes @ealingwestmum - two different teams and totally different roles so I wasn’t doing the same thing for 18 years but still it’s a long time!

Do any of you still track your kids' phones?!

I know I probably need to stop and it's not usually an anxiety thing (maybe occasionally with dd), more convenience and sometimes nosiness! But last night at midnight I happened to notice ds was on the outskirts of Birmingham, having spoken to him earlier in the evening when he was in the library in Nottingham... I checked again at 6.30 this morning and he was back in Nottingham. Now he's in Wolverhampton! I don't want to message him and ask why obviously, as he'll think I'm tracking him, but it seems a bit odd! As far as I know he doesn't know anyone in Wolverhampton.. I'm not particularly worried, just curious, especially as he said he was meeting up with someone from uni for coffee today. He did seem quite positive when I spoke to him last night thankfully, as he'd had a very sociable few days.

@crazycrofteronly when the girls are holidaying by themselves. Dd2 was walking the Camino for the first few days by herself this year until her friend arrived , so I followed her on life360. Dd1went on a surf/yoga group thing in Sri Lanka by herself and I did the same.
I do check everyone's WhatsApps to see when they were last on though. As sometimes the boys don't answer my messages for days.

The thing is, I do find it useful with ds in the holidays, as he's not good at letting me know when he'll be home/where he is - I think partly because he knows I can check, so it's a bit of a vicious circle! To be honest, I don't usually need to know when he'll be home though, he gets home when he gets home! And he usually eats whatever food I've left him, regardless of when he gets home - or he'll eat it for breakfast the next day!

It's definitely useful for tracking girls who are on holiday on their own, I agree with you there. But maybe I need to wean myself off looking at it otherwise...

I still have it activated but don't use it so often now. They can track us too, we have always had it on for all four of us as a default. When they stayed out till 3am on our holiday recently I did have a look then but didn't let on that I had done. If either of them asked us to stop I would but it is just normal for us I suppose, e.g. if DCs and I are at home wondering whether DH has left work yet one of us might check on him, I use it more for him than them. I was glad of it when DH came off his mountain bike in the woods recently and broke his arm. But basically our agreement is that it's there, we don't stalk each other and we don't quiz each other about it.

I make sure my mum is still alive by looking to see if she's read any emails that day (I have hers on my phone).

We are all on Find my Phone @crazycrofter , kept active on DD's request but none of us comment on whereabouts unless someone has requested it for a lift type reason.

I don't want to use it. DD does use Hinge type apps, and I only want to know about parts of her life when she's ready to share.

Only you know how well received your asking why the various locations will go down Crazy. I can understand the inquisitiveness given latest low periods, but if he's currently behaving upbeat and normal, then I'd hold off asking, and perhaps try weaning off for both your sakes. It wont stop you thinking about him but hopefully he's navigating life pretty well without the back stop, that's the double edge sword of technology isn't it!