Why do some parents choose savings over helping adult children?

[Perthgirl]

My Mum is a 86 year old widow has just received a HMRC self-assessment to complete. My father died 3 years ago and all of their ‘joint’ money became her money. She didn't want to pay an accountant to help with her self-assessment and asked me to help.
I have mentioned previously that she would need to complete a self-assessment but this fell on deaf ears as ‘no-one has asked me for it’.
She lives in a £700k very nice house and manages well on her own. She is fit, well and active.
We get on well and I think I am a very loving and supportive daughter. I have never received any financial support from my parents since leaving home at 19.
It transpires that she has over £500,000 in ISAs, Premium Bonds, numerous building society savings accounts. All building society accounts have the £85k IFA protected amount/limit.
My husband and I are 59 and 60, both work full time and have 3 children (triplets) in final year of university. When I did a rough calculation on what £££ she might owe, her comment was oh ‘I might not be able to afford to give the children their £50 Christmas money this year, as I will have a large tax bill’.
It is her money and she is entitled to do what she pleases, etc. She enjoys a very comfortable life, with 3 overseas holiday each year and a busy social life.
She has previously said that she has so much money coming in that she does not know what to do with it. My Dad had a very good state funded pension which she still receives. When I suggested that she might like to help the grandchildren through Uni, she said, well no, as I do not know when I might need the money for myself!
Why would some parents/grandparents choose to pay £1000s to the tax man rather than possibly help the family?
I realise that she may need to fund a care home at some later stage, but £700k + £500k = £1.2M.
Can anyone help me understand?

No, I can't because I wouldn't make that decision.

They are worried about running out of money.

I agree it would probably be better used investing in the next generation but, I also see why you’d want to keep a hold of your money just in case. It is a lifetimes work and she can’t exactly go out and start earning again if she runs out.

She can help but if she doesn’t wan’t to thats that really. She may have medical or care fee’s in later life that will quickly deplete so she may be thinking about that

Perhaps she's worried about needing professional care, it's extremely expensive, especially if you want a certain lifestyle.

I think it becomes such an ingrained habit, if it has all been accrued over many years, by hard work coupled with frugal habits. I also think that there is probably something about vulnerability.. I think when people age they feel much more vulnerable, and maybe this is also played out in finances as well. Maybe anxiety around change is also a factor…

No, I can’t because I certainly wouldn’t make the same decision in those circumstances.

Reasonably, if I was in the same position, I would look at my income/capital and plan for what I thought that I would reasonably need and then get rid of everything else.

The FSCS protection is now £120k per separate banking group.

Have you ever asked for help as perhaps she thinks you are doing ok?

The value of the house is irrelevant as unless she was to downsize and/or move to a cheaper area there is no sensible way of accessing that money and perhaps she is happy staying in the marital home that holds many cherished memories?
Agree it might be nice for her to be more generous with gifts etc but if she has never done that, it just may not occur to her?

I can understand the "hording" mentality as you get older, I have seen it with my own parents (although they were also incredibly generous) and as we approach old age ourselves (we are 60 & 57 but early retired), we have started to wonder if our (admittedly very healthy) savings & pensions will see us alright in later life.
I think that as you get older and prices reach levels that were once unimaginable, you begin to wonder if you will have enough (although in the cases I have seen first hand, it always has been..... and then some).

My mother when she died had far more saved than I had thought. I am sure it was to ensure that a carer could be a choice instead of a residential home had it ever come to that.

It’s not what I would do, but I can see why she does. Maybe she doesn’t want to face the reality that she doesn’t have a huge amount of time left in which to spend it. If she does need to pay for care later then that amount could all be needed with how high the costs are.

The £700k isn't immediately available to her and in any case, it's just an estimate.

She probably feels that £500k is a reasonable cushion for her future (as yet unknown) needs, but that it's not big enough for her to feel safe reducing it significantly. As pp have said, that's it, there won't be any more coming in from anywhere if she gives it away and then suddenly finds she needs it.

I don't know how much you think would make a significant difference to your children but if it's only a small amount then perhaps suggest this to her. She may feel that it would be safe to give a small known amount rather than just agreeing to help, which is like opening the floodgates,

Sounds to me like a mixture of ingrained habits, as PP said, plus she seems selfish and self-absorbed. Does she ask you to do a lot for her? Is she expecting you to become her carer in due course? She doesn't sound very nice.

Exactly this, very well put.

Not again.

nobody is entitled to other people’s money. Even if you think you need it more.

It’s ingrained for generations. She has no way of earning money and is old and vulnerable.
House value means nothing, she’s not moving.
You’re seriously naive as to that generations relationship to money.

It’s not normally the case that younger generations pay for health and nursing care for older generations so it makes sense for older people to hold on to their savings, to fund those costs and pass on the rest when they pass. If it’s spent on university fees, it’s highly unlikely the young adults or their parents who benefitted from the generosity will help fund her costs if she runs short.

Do you know how much nursing homes cost? She could rattle through a lot of that money in care fees and then be investigated for deprivation of assets if she's given half of it away.

I expect she worries about care fees or any other costs that might come up. Her house being struck by lightening or something? I get that she has a lot, but I wouldn't personally expect someone else to fund things for my children (although it would be nice if they offered!). My mum is a similar age to yours and I know she has savings. It hadn't occurred to me that she could fund anything for her grandchildren while she's still alive

My PIL lived like paupers, so much so that family and friends offered to help pay for FIL funeral when he went first. £30 for Xmas and birthdays, two £1 Morrisons cheesecakes for ten at Xmas lunch. It eventually came to light they had over £1m assets. No, I will never understand.

My parents are probably in a similar financial position and do help with little bits here and there but I would never expect them to be passing on much at this stage - you just do not know what care is going to be needed, and tbh I think you are likely underestimating how much that could cost. You're talking 100k a year in a decent home if something like dementia is involved, and more for live in care. So if she's currently in decent physical health, but dementia means she needs full time or residential care, that money absolutely could go. Would you prefer to have to fund it yourself?

It might seem like she's hoarding money, but what she is actually doing is making sure she never becomes a financial burden to you, and then you will get whatever is left over. That's a sensible approach.

Although people will say it’s her money’ I can’t understand this either. Why see your kids and grandkids suffer when she could make gifts of £3k a year to each without penalty.

We’ve been having a similar conversation with MIL 88 after suggesting she give DS her only grandson who she adores more than a token sum when he marries his equally loved fiancé in June. We were surprised how reluctant she was to consider the idea. Partly we think because she has lost all concept of the real value of money while it’s sitting in her bank accounts. Her current account balance for example is rarely below £10k (discovered recently after we stepped in to help her keep on top of life admin after illness). It’s good to know she’s pretty comfortable money wise but also frustrating that she’s got no real comprehension of what that means.

That’s why some people end up with so much money in the first place, because they are so miserable with it. My parents have nowhere near this but are generous. It’s just how some people are, some are generous, some are misers.