Why do some parents choose savings over helping adult children?

[Perthgirl]

My Mum is a 86 year old widow has just received a HMRC self-assessment to complete. My father died 3 years ago and all of their ‘joint’ money became her money. She didn't want to pay an accountant to help with her self-assessment and asked me to help.
I have mentioned previously that she would need to complete a self-assessment but this fell on deaf ears as ‘no-one has asked me for it’.
She lives in a £700k very nice house and manages well on her own. She is fit, well and active.
We get on well and I think I am a very loving and supportive daughter. I have never received any financial support from my parents since leaving home at 19.
It transpires that she has over £500,000 in ISAs, Premium Bonds, numerous building society savings accounts. All building society accounts have the £85k IFA protected amount/limit.
My husband and I are 59 and 60, both work full time and have 3 children (triplets) in final year of university. When I did a rough calculation on what £££ she might owe, her comment was oh ‘I might not be able to afford to give the children their £50 Christmas money this year, as I will have a large tax bill’.
It is her money and she is entitled to do what she pleases, etc. She enjoys a very comfortable life, with 3 overseas holiday each year and a busy social life.
She has previously said that she has so much money coming in that she does not know what to do with it. My Dad had a very good state funded pension which she still receives. When I suggested that she might like to help the grandchildren through Uni, she said, well no, as I do not know when I might need the money for myself!
Why would some parents/grandparents choose to pay £1000s to the tax man rather than possibly help the family?
I realise that she may need to fund a care home at some later stage, but £700k + £500k = £1.2M.
Can anyone help me understand?

I have friends whose mothers are now in their 90s. My partner's elder sister is 89 and also lives independently. Many people are fortunate to live longer than previous generations and any money they have acquired during their lifetime can easily be taken up at any time by cost of care.

as I do not know when I might need the money for myself!

She answered the question herself. You don't need to wonder!

It's very, very hard to move from an accumulation position to a position where you decide you have enough. It's a risk to give away and much easier to keep it and let it go to the kids when you definitely don't need it.

It’s weird to hoard wealth whilst your dc & gc struggle but lots on here will tell you YABU!

She can’t make any more money. She doesn’t know how long she’ll live.

Residential care in a decent home costs thousands a month and it’s going up faster than inflation or than the return on her investments.

There’s no point counting the value of her home until she no longer needs one.

You sound horribly grabby I’m afraid.

Maybe she doesn't want to be dependent on her family to pay her care home fees, OP? Or wants you to benefit from her estate when she dies?
Frankly, I'd say good for her - it's her money, and she should do exactly what she wants with it. Why do so many people on this website think they're entitled to funding from their older relatives?

I understand where you’re coming from. She might be thinking along the following lines. If a care home with nursing care is £1500 per week, her home and savings add up to 15 years worth of care. At 86 she could easily live another 15 years. The council does cover costs if you run out of money but not necessarily in the care home of your choice. Having to be in a care home is grim enough without being put in a particular one you don’t want to be in.

No one is saying anyone is being unreasonable. I don't consider £500k at the age of 86 a huge amount of money that could be helping her children and grandchildren when that sum can so easily be eaten up by care costs.

Managing your money so it lasts until you die is not hoarding wealth.

Yes we are. Lots of the posters are indeed saying the OP is being unreasonable which she is. But I totally agree that the mother doesn't even have that much money anyway.

I imagine it must feel very scary for her. I am 52 and I get scared of the future. I’m a high earner and right now if shit hits the fan I can just work more (self employed) but when you are older and unable to do that it must feel v worrying. Because how do you look after yourself if it all can go? She sounds wealthy but with care fees being so high she could eat into them in a year and then it could be on you. Maybe she is worried about burdening you?

And noone knows if the DC and GC are struggling either.

People of that generation are definitely less conditioned to help their children. They didn't get handouts at all, and some are bemused by how much it has become the norm. If you needed something, you worked/scrimped/saved, and didn't expect Bank of Mum and Dad to buy it for you.

My DM has told her carers agency that she can’t afford to keep paying them, so they are now asking me to take over paying her fees. I know that her pension covers all her other bills, she has over £100k in savings and about £50k due from her late stepmums will. But she says she needs to keep all that “for a rainy day”. But she’s happy for me to be unable to save for my retirement because I have to pay for her care. Infuriating.

I don't consider £500k at the age of 86 a huge amount of money that could be helping her children and grandchildren when that sum can so easily be eaten up by care costs.

Exactly. Whilst my FIL is comfortable enough to pay for all the care he needs, my DH and I are able to continue to work and parent without being absolutely crippled by caring responsibilities. Thus, our finances benefit indirectly as we are able to continue paying into our pensions and savings as planned and we will be able to afford our DCs the same freedom from being burdened with the practical and financial responsibility for our care when we are elderly.

Considering she can’t work anymore, I think it’s smart/logical to be careful with what she has. If she has to go into care for any reason the money will likely dry up relatively quickly. Who can blame her for wanting to protect her later years?

Saying that, acting like she can’t afford to give out Christmas bits yeah, it’s bonkers. But at her age she won’t change.

I am approaching retirement with the view that I need to have enough, I don’t want masses , I have no need of flash cars or designer bags, but having worked all my life, neither do I want to worry about the cost of heating of getting the car serviced. So, I can live on my pension day to day but what if I need a new boiler ? A new (to me) car, what if the dog needs expensive treatment at the Vet? I need a lump sum to last me - perhaps 30 years. How much IS that lump sum ?? Who knows, but when I have it I will seem wealthy , but most of my wealth is in my house , that I can’t access. I will absolutely pass on anything above that ‘cushion’ , but all of it? No.

In your case, I'd refuse point blank to pay the fees and tell your DM her 'rainy day' has arrived!

Can you refuse to pay?

Agreed, this is a whole other situation from the OP!

Oh they certainly did get handouts. We don’t have to have an argument about the generations again but let’s not pretend that someone born in that generation has not vastly benefited in numerous ways from what was a fully functioning and very well developed welfare, health and education system.

Why do people start a thread then not engage in the ensuing discussion?

I wonder if a lot of the answers are here in this post.

PILs lived a frugal life. They are almost certainly used to having less and spending less than the next generation. Someone upthread said 'why would they save and see the next generation suffer'. By PIL standards the next generation aren't suffering. The parents are in full time work, the grandchildren are at university. In their era only the very few went to university - they'll think the grandchildren are thriving, the creme de la creme and successful, not 'suffering'.

They probably got nothing from their parents. They aren't from a generation that sees giving lumps of money (before you die) as something that is usual or expected.

Also 'it's all gone now on care. It make me feel ill to think that's how much money they've spent on basically other people to wipe their bums.' The older generation will be mindful of this. They'll feel the need to keep money back for care or a rainy day.

I can't stress enough as an older person that the expectation of money before a parent was dead is a new concept. I can see to many an older person this would seem grasping or somehow improper.

I'm not saying that's right but I am saying that until the last few years that is definitely how it would have seemed.

My mums in her 80’s and is a stress head about money in some ways - she resented removal of the winter fuel payment for example. Actually she receives between £4k -£5k a month with all her various pensions which is more than I make working. The difference is she’s a widow and doesn’t have a fall back person to offer reassurance or to offer suggestions about investments or big purchases. She gets ripped off left right and centre with car leases and mobile phone contracts. Perhaps your mother feels vulnerable in the same way which causes her to hang on to her cash.

Fil has passed and mil is in their home with 8x care calls a day paid for by social services. So I could have had time back with my own family rather that give up every spare
minute to them .

Usually it's either about money anxiety or because that's how their parents were with them.