Why do some parents choose savings over helping adult children?

[Perthgirl]

My Mum is a 86 year old widow has just received a HMRC self-assessment to complete. My father died 3 years ago and all of their ‘joint’ money became her money. She didn't want to pay an accountant to help with her self-assessment and asked me to help.
I have mentioned previously that she would need to complete a self-assessment but this fell on deaf ears as ‘no-one has asked me for it’.
She lives in a £700k very nice house and manages well on her own. She is fit, well and active.
We get on well and I think I am a very loving and supportive daughter. I have never received any financial support from my parents since leaving home at 19.
It transpires that she has over £500,000 in ISAs, Premium Bonds, numerous building society savings accounts. All building society accounts have the £85k IFA protected amount/limit.
My husband and I are 59 and 60, both work full time and have 3 children (triplets) in final year of university. When I did a rough calculation on what £££ she might owe, her comment was oh ‘I might not be able to afford to give the children their £50 Christmas money this year, as I will have a large tax bill’.
It is her money and she is entitled to do what she pleases, etc. She enjoys a very comfortable life, with 3 overseas holiday each year and a busy social life.
She has previously said that she has so much money coming in that she does not know what to do with it. My Dad had a very good state funded pension which she still receives. When I suggested that she might like to help the grandchildren through Uni, she said, well no, as I do not know when I might need the money for myself!
Why would some parents/grandparents choose to pay £1000s to the tax man rather than possibly help the family?
I realise that she may need to fund a care home at some later stage, but £700k + £500k = £1.2M.
Can anyone help me understand?

I hate these entitled threads.

I completely agree and it’s tough.

My DH grandma has 1.7m in the bank and lives in a 6 bedroom house alone. We almost lost our house last year due to extremely hard circumstances caused by health problems. She said we clearly hadn’t worked hard enough. She’s never worked a day past 25 when she got married to a rich man as a young model.

Its very sad.

We are coming from the same point where we don't like the pitting of generations against each other. I completely agree with you on that.

Interesting about the pension age rising. When the OP's mother was born in 1940 the UK average life expectancy was 61. In 2000 it was 78. You can see why the pension age is rising. When OP was born she could expect to live 1 year after state retirement age. When a 2000 baby was born she could expect to live 13 years after retirement age. You can see why it's risen. It's relative.

I really am interested to know how the welfare safety net has been better. I'm in my sixties and I think it's been pretty constant through my lifetime. Education, health provision, welfare. What's worse? Dentist availablity for sure. But struggling for what else.

Thank you for all of your replies so far. I am still am puzzled that she would choose to pay income tax on her savings to the tax man when she could avoid some by gifting £3k a year to each grandchild without penalty.

If she's 86, your mum was born in the war, before the NHS was founded, and grew up during rationing. She will have had the idea that you need to be careful with money and that anything can happen banged into her from a young age. She will likely have seen older people in dire circumstances from a lack of income once they retired, or were unable to work due to disability. And she probably, though not definitely, didn't receive much financial help from her parents, may even have been expected to fund them a bit once they retired.

I think it's pretty common for people of that age to not really trust (or recognise to some extent) the good fortune the 90s brought to their financial circumstances or to see the possibilites of approaching life differently.

Why do so many adults think they're entitled to the money of their parents, regardless of the amount, how it was attained etc?

Why don't you and your husband sell your house and help your kids through uni?

She can't possibly know what will come up in the future and she has no further opportunity to make money.

This trend of being entitled and resentful towards parents and their money is shameful!

MIL and mother have similar. DH and I are mid 60s. We have never needed money from.our parents. It's their money. Our only issue is that MIL is mean and stingy when she could be living an easier life.

I'd just say @Perthgirl when mother and MIL were 86, they were as fit as fiddles, physically and mentally. They are now nearly 90 and we have learnt that when frailty descends in the late 80s it descends swiftly and frankly of your mother has done no financial/IHT planning to date, it's too late.

Has someone who was was born in 1940 and has worked all their life benefited from the welfare system, health and education system more than someone born in, for example, 2000?

Yes, I would say so.

You have a point!

Bringing up triplets and putting them through uni is brutal financially ... I find it odd that she doesn't want to help out.

Why do so many adults think they're entitled to the money of their parents, regardless of the amount, how it was attained etc?

Probably because they are supporting them through all the tax they are paying & seeing the ladder getting pulled up in front of them so are bit peeved.

Sorry I'm confused and perhaps have misunderstood - I thought they spent their saved money on care? And if mil gets all those calls now, how have you spent every spare minute of your time? I don't see how them saving for care home could have been instead resulting in you having more time.

My parents accrued quite a bit but both had degenerative diseases and it allowed them to be cared for in their own home to the very end. Money well spent. They did still leave quite a bit and thought I have next to nothing in savings and a measly pension after years as a sah/part time mum, my first thought was why didn't they spend more on themselves?

I get it now tho. I'm terrified of spending a penny of what they've handed on. Afraid I'll make an error. Hopefully can get it set up to grow a bit so can spend it and share it before I go.

Well I'm convinced

Your grandma is a mean and selfish woman. How could she just stand by watch you suffer!

@KaleidoscopeSmile all the statistics are out there on Google but feel free to disprove it!

I agree @loislovesstewie , they're frightened of running out of money even though that's unlikely to happen. My Dad (88) is very frugal even though I encourage him to spend more on himself and he can afford to. Plus he wants to have enough for decent care if he needs it.

You didn't give any statistics. You said "Yes, I should say so". That's what I was reacting to.

Yanbu op.
This would really change my view of someone as a person.
Yes, it's her money, but she'd rather pay tax on it than gift it legally to her gc?

Some of the examples of extremely wealthy parents and grandparents with huge savings and houses who are not helping their grandchildren and children in any way, not even when they are losing their houses, is shocking and disgusting.

There is zero point in me listing statistics, all the information is out there and has been discussed numerous times. Some people won’t believe it regardless. It’s like Brexit or blaming people on the boats. Zero point in arguing with people who thought Brexit was a good thing & everything is the fault of the boats.

So? What would they do if their parents didn't have the money they happened to see? Resent their threadbare blankets that might be better than their own? Resent their soup that is a little hotter? Despicable attitude.

Dhs uncle was like this.
No kids, a misanthrope through and through.
Never travelled, had no hobbies (except collecting rubbish from car boots)
Retired at 55, died at 90.
His estate will be over £1 million.
Huge IHT bill.
Such a shame he couldn't/wouldn't enjoy it 🤷‍♀️

Perhaps as someone born during the war and raised in its aftermath she is part of that post war generation who were hugely supportive of a comprehensive, state run welfare system. Her parents would have lived through the poverty of the 1930s and perhaps encouraged her to 'pay her way' to make a better world for all.

Maybe she sees your success and your children at university and thinks they're doing well, let's pay in and help others. I don't know her, but this was absolutely the ethos of my parents who were both war babies.

Don’t blame people resenting parents who are loaded but won’t help out, even in an emergency!

Someone born in 2000 isn’t going to see anything like the pension benefits alone