Why do some parents choose savings over helping adult children?

[Perthgirl]

My Mum is a 86 year old widow has just received a HMRC self-assessment to complete. My father died 3 years ago and all of their ‘joint’ money became her money. She didn't want to pay an accountant to help with her self-assessment and asked me to help.
I have mentioned previously that she would need to complete a self-assessment but this fell on deaf ears as ‘no-one has asked me for it’.
She lives in a £700k very nice house and manages well on her own. She is fit, well and active.
We get on well and I think I am a very loving and supportive daughter. I have never received any financial support from my parents since leaving home at 19.
It transpires that she has over £500,000 in ISAs, Premium Bonds, numerous building society savings accounts. All building society accounts have the £85k IFA protected amount/limit.
My husband and I are 59 and 60, both work full time and have 3 children (triplets) in final year of university. When I did a rough calculation on what £££ she might owe, her comment was oh ‘I might not be able to afford to give the children their £50 Christmas money this year, as I will have a large tax bill’.
It is her money and she is entitled to do what she pleases, etc. She enjoys a very comfortable life, with 3 overseas holiday each year and a busy social life.
She has previously said that she has so much money coming in that she does not know what to do with it. My Dad had a very good state funded pension which she still receives. When I suggested that she might like to help the grandchildren through Uni, she said, well no, as I do not know when I might need the money for myself!
Why would some parents/grandparents choose to pay £1000s to the tax man rather than possibly help the family?
I realise that she may need to fund a care home at some later stage, but £700k + £500k = £1.2M.
Can anyone help me understand?

There’s always someone who appears on a post and adds this comment. Finds a comment they don’t agree with, writes “are you the OP’s mum/husband/friend/cat”, laughing to themselves, thinking they are the only person to have come up with it. This time it’s you. Congratulations on being so witty and original 🙄
Slow clap…

Perhaps he quietly loved every minute doing things his way.

Her parents would have lived through the poverty of the 1930s and perhaps encouraged her to 'pay her way' to make a better world for all.

The vast majority haven’t paid their way though. Why would you think that!

It's often that poster too.

I blame any adult for resentment of someone else's belongings or circumstances.

Stand on your own feet and do what you have to do.

Don't try to make that someone else's problem because, in your view, they have everything.

No, they just have something you want.

I'd be ashamed of myself for resenting someone else for their material belongings and especially my own mother!!

I think there are two separate things here:
1 does she mind the big IHT bill? Perhaps not, if she/her family have received a lot from the state
2 what does her hoarding money like this do to you?

What comes to mind to me is how for many of us, we never have quite enough to feel secure, no matter how much that is.

I am so grateful to my in-laws for planning for their inevitable deaths, unlike my parents who simply can't believe they will ever die, and are just clinging on and making no plans...

@YummyPieCrust but the OPs mother is far from destitute!

I think it’s despicable to keep burdening the youth with the costs

It does sound like a defence which someone in her position might make!

Get a job!!!

Are you saying that the vast majority of people born in the first part of the 20th century didn't pay the taxes the government asked of them?

Can you not understand the OP’s point of view?

@YummyPieCrust 😆 I’m not even young but I can grasp demographics.

You need to get a better paid job and stop sponging off younger generations

When I was young many older people would say in all seriousness, that they were happy because they had their 'box money'. In other words they could pay for their own funeral, they were terrified of being 'buried on the parish', having a paupers funeral. Today we are inundated with ads for pre paid funerals. It's hard for some people, usually much younger people, to understand the mindset of people who were born when it was shameful to not be able afford their own funeral. I think that things like that are deep in a person's psyche, and running out of money to pay for such things, whether care, funeral etc is just ingrained in some.

Examples, please!

How are the OP’s children “suffering” ?

Does she definitely understand that though?

You generally provide them yourself.

@HappyInTheSea read again.

I said the vast majority haven’t paid their way not that they didn’t pay tax. Very few will have paid enough tax to fund their healthcare & pension costs.

So you can’t prove examples? Ok.

I'm living in my prime earning years and I have inlaws, and parents, and I would NEVER try to take their money.

Who tries to take money from elders and then justify it with "demographics"?

Gross.

I worry about what I'll do because I dont think we'll retire brilliantly and it may be a choice between 'helping the kids' and 'being able to have a life when we can no longer work' .

I'm already worried about potential care costs when I'm old and I could imagine people keeping their money so care doesn't have to impact on their kids. And that could be 100s of thousands they'd have to keep back to assure covering the costs. Of course it may never come to that, but there's just no way of knowing.

Because it's her money, not yours.

At some point people are allowed to be selfish with their time and money after raising children, maybe supporting spouses and elderly relatives.

I will have spent £100,000s on my kid by the time she finishes full time education, making many, many financial sacrifices along the way. Delighted to do so but also looking forward to making my financial plans based on my own needs after that.

No

How so? It's a genuine question.

My dad was born in 1940, my mum 1937. I cannot think of one way in which the benefit, health and education system benefited them between the cradle and the grave more than it would someone born in 2000.

Your moral high ground is shaky if you are happy to take it from the young.

Why on earth is it gross to grasp demographics?