Why do some parents choose savings over helping adult children?

[Perthgirl]

My Mum is a 86 year old widow has just received a HMRC self-assessment to complete. My father died 3 years ago and all of their ‘joint’ money became her money. She didn't want to pay an accountant to help with her self-assessment and asked me to help.
I have mentioned previously that she would need to complete a self-assessment but this fell on deaf ears as ‘no-one has asked me for it’.
She lives in a £700k very nice house and manages well on her own. She is fit, well and active.
We get on well and I think I am a very loving and supportive daughter. I have never received any financial support from my parents since leaving home at 19.
It transpires that she has over £500,000 in ISAs, Premium Bonds, numerous building society savings accounts. All building society accounts have the £85k IFA protected amount/limit.
My husband and I are 59 and 60, both work full time and have 3 children (triplets) in final year of university. When I did a rough calculation on what £££ she might owe, her comment was oh ‘I might not be able to afford to give the children their £50 Christmas money this year, as I will have a large tax bill’.
It is her money and she is entitled to do what she pleases, etc. She enjoys a very comfortable life, with 3 overseas holiday each year and a busy social life.
She has previously said that she has so much money coming in that she does not know what to do with it. My Dad had a very good state funded pension which she still receives. When I suggested that she might like to help the grandchildren through Uni, she said, well no, as I do not know when I might need the money for myself!
Why would some parents/grandparents choose to pay £1000s to the tax man rather than possibly help the family?
I realise that she may need to fund a care home at some later stage, but £700k + £500k = £1.2M.
Can anyone help me understand?

You know she still gets her pensions paid monthly? Look I’m not arguing about whether or not she should or shouldn’t give money to anybody, I’m just saying under these circumstances it’s crass for her to say (in April) that she might not give her GCs Christmas presents this year.

This is not about hoarding money or whatnot, it’s about being so focused on your money you forget about common decency. And expecting your child to help you manage your £1 million+ portfolio because you don’t want to pay an accountant and then declaring you might not be able to afford to give your GC £150 (in total) in eight month’s time is a bit much.

I can sort of understand that but actually she's also getting a decent pension each month so will keep building up savings unless she spends everything that comes in, which is doubtful. Also the comment about not being able to afford £150 at Christmas is just nuts, whichever way you look at it.

Exactly. Her 1.2 million would buy her 8 years care in mils care home. And it's way too late to start giving it away (doa) in her mid 80s

Your post absolutely and positively reeks of entitlement. It's her money, ffs, so let her enjoy it. It'll all be yours soon enough for Heaven's sake...

Has someone who was was born in 1940 and has worked all their life benefited from the welfare system, health and education system more than someone born in, for example, 2000?

University grant perhaps. I wonder how else? Given that the NHS didn't start until 1948 and in the 1950s people generally left school at 15 it's an interesting question.

In what world would the OP’s mother be considered to not have a lot of money- the woman is wealthy!

Yes I did say to her “ Ma, it’s pouring down right now!”. She is, however, ignoring me.

She lives in a house. That is not cash to be used.

She has a decreasing £500k to see out her life including any care costs. I suspect you have no idea how much, for example, dementia care is. I really do suggest that you do some research and indeed start preparing for your own retirement if you believe she has a lot!

i think it’s this, the rainy day that won’t ever come once you are in your eighties and nineties.

My parents are the same. Huge savings. Expect us to go on holiday with them and pay 50 per cent even though we’re comparatively skint. I don’t really get what they’re saving for. Maybe they will pass it all on to my children in which case fair enough…

Well yes they certainly will have done, given that most people can’t even get a GP appointment these days and the pension age keeps rising. I don’t like this pitting of the generations against each other and acting as if the previous generations have received no help. Which is simply not true. They had a much better safety net throughout their working lives (and in their retirement) than we ever have. So all this nonsense about the bank of mum and dad is annoying, because in most cases the bank of mum and dad exists because of a previously functioning welfare state, low cost of living, low housing costs followed by an unprecedented housing boom, and triple locked pensions.

It is greed. Plain and simple.

There are some depressingly grabby posters.
Out of interest, why do you assume that she should help your children, OP?
That's your job, not hers.

@Perthgirl Seems to me that professional tax & investment advice should be sought, so that she is making the wisest investments and paying the least amount of tax. They could also advise on inheritance tax planning and whether it might be beneficial for her to appoint someone as power of attorney should she become unable to manage herself.

She won't listen to you though, we went on at late MIL for years and she did nothing until her hairdresser told her she ought to do it.

Aside from that, she can do what she likes with the money.

There's an astonishing cohort of people on MN who think it's not good enough that they'll inherit an enormous amount of wealth when their parent(s) die - the first generations to be inheriting in such numbers - but that they're entitled to it NOW.

I find them utterly disgusting

I do know what retirement homes, dementia care etc costs. I’m nearly 80, have savings but nowhere near the OP’s mother’s amount. Q The mother has a home which can be used for care home costs, by deferring it. She no doubt has various pensions and probably never touches her savings. She can afford to help her children and grandchildren and not be so frugal with birthdays and Christmas!

I’m not obligated to pay, I have no contract with them. In the end I will just have to say no. It is the extreme guilt tripping I am getting from all sides, when she does have the means to pay herself, that is so maddening. They all seem to take the attitude that she shouldn’t be asked to dip into her savings, but it’s ok for me to go into debt instead. Sort of an extreme example of the OP’s situation.

Exactly. We're skint, and my 79 year old father in law's estate's probably worth about £800,000. Do I wish he'll be here for absolutely years to come? Yes, absolutely, because my wife's dad still being around for her is worth more to me than money.

EDIT: Spelling.

There are some seriously tight fuckers about, Jesus.

Then if you haven't got the same amount as her saved you are in a more precarious position than her.

Nobody is entitled to other people's money. But equally nobody is entitled to help with their tax return because they don't want to pay an accountant. It's swings and roundabouts.

Your claims about the welfare state are complete fantasy.

It's fear. My mother is scared. Of the poverty she witnessed in the 40's, 50's and 60's and the potential abuse in care homes.

It's her money. She's a very grown adult, it's her complete right to do completely as she wishes.

Earn your own.

Not forgetting that, if the OP’s DM goes into a care home her regular pension plus attendance allowance is available to pay towards the fees as she won’t have household bills and food costs to pay. Sounds like she has quite healthy pension income so will go a fair way towards the fees before dipping into the savings.

When I said "handouts" I meant specifically from their parents. That generation have absolutely benefitted from other things, such as the property boom.