Why do some parents choose savings over helping adult children?

[Perthgirl]

My Mum is a 86 year old widow has just received a HMRC self-assessment to complete. My father died 3 years ago and all of their ‘joint’ money became her money. She didn't want to pay an accountant to help with her self-assessment and asked me to help.
I have mentioned previously that she would need to complete a self-assessment but this fell on deaf ears as ‘no-one has asked me for it’.
She lives in a £700k very nice house and manages well on her own. She is fit, well and active.
We get on well and I think I am a very loving and supportive daughter. I have never received any financial support from my parents since leaving home at 19.
It transpires that she has over £500,000 in ISAs, Premium Bonds, numerous building society savings accounts. All building society accounts have the £85k IFA protected amount/limit.
My husband and I are 59 and 60, both work full time and have 3 children (triplets) in final year of university. When I did a rough calculation on what £££ she might owe, her comment was oh ‘I might not be able to afford to give the children their £50 Christmas money this year, as I will have a large tax bill’.
It is her money and she is entitled to do what she pleases, etc. She enjoys a very comfortable life, with 3 overseas holiday each year and a busy social life.
She has previously said that she has so much money coming in that she does not know what to do with it. My Dad had a very good state funded pension which she still receives. When I suggested that she might like to help the grandchildren through Uni, she said, well no, as I do not know when I might need the money for myself!
Why would some parents/grandparents choose to pay £1000s to the tax man rather than possibly help the family?
I realise that she may need to fund a care home at some later stage, but £700k + £500k = £1.2M.
Can anyone help me understand?

My mum's parents were so difficult to care for as they got older. They insisted my parents did the brunt of it and refused carers and homes. My parents were adamant that they would never put us in that positioning isn't to receive professional care as soon as it is needed, but this means they have ludicrous lump sum savings which may never be called on for care.

I intend to do more financial planning than they have and be a bit more savvy about tax free savings like Junior ISAs and PBs for grandkids etc . But I recognise that theirs isn't my money and so not my business.

I'd get up off my knees if I were you. I live 2+ hours away from my parents as does my only sibling and bar some light outdoor work which we all enjoy anyway, errands, etc when we visit, my sister and I have made it clear that we won't do anything that they can easily pay someone to do with their substantial stash of money. Something like going with them for an important hospital appointment where information needs to be conveyed? Yes. Cutting the large gardens or cleaning windows? No. They pay for things or they don't get done.

"Who said anything about uni costs?"
You brought the subject up at 18.51.

@Badbadbunny we don’t know if she has a state pension or if it is a full one. She is in her 80s. Many women of that age became housewives. We don’t know how tax efficient her investments are. Old people are entitled to days out holidays etc.
According to Google (AI) a comfortable pension is about £43,900 a year.

Yes, I used it as an example - the OP didn’t mention it at all. Good Lord.

Yes I know you're right about this. I get all annoyed about it and then they promise to arrange something that never materialises and we end up back at square 1. I need to stand my ground this time. They won't let me take over and organise everything they need.

Then you asked who brought it up. You brought it up.
You have sharp way and very little patience for someone just shooting the breeze on MN.

I really cannot assist with basic comprehension I’m afraid.

Maybe she thinks of it as continuing to support hospitals and schools etc. rather than “the taxman” as such.

I imagine most people wouldn't want to understand the world the way you do so every cloud.

Exactly.

Not everyone has sufficient financial education or literacy to realise that they could be doing things better or differently. I’m 56, recently retired having worked in financial services for over 40 years…but it’s only recently that I’ve acquired the knowledge I need to sufficiently plan for the future.

Both my own parents and FIL have passed leaving MIL (mid 80s)… she’s similar to your Mum OP - still believing that her nest egg is ‘safe’, relies on expensive solicitors, IFA, physically going to offices, etc. I do think it’s a generational thing.

As others have said it’s hers to do with what she wants, inheritance is what’s left when someone dies and their estate has been settled.

I’d say most older people could be doing better things with their money. My family have never been rich or had surplus money. However a recent unexpected inheritance changed that. Our solicitor recommended a financial advisor. It’s been a real education about something we were virtually ignorant about.

Entirely agree. If I knew what I know now when I was in my teens/20’s…there’s no telling where I’d be now financially. But, hindsight and all that! The next best thing I can do is educate my DS and help set him up for an extraordinary life.

If his estate paid nearly £2 million in inheritance tax then he must have been absolutely minted!!

Isn’t it £3k a yer total can be gifted?

Perhaps if any particular government made it easier to gift far more than that in a lump sum penalty free then more people would do it.

This is genuinely so sad. Why have children if you don’t want to help them in later life? I understand the safety cushion aspect but as OP said, she receives a generous pension.

What an odd attitude. I aimed to bring my children up to be self sufficient in the world.

This runs contrary to human nature, really.
Self-sufficiency is an illusion really, as people can only be self-sufficient in periods of strength and plenty, most people experience periods where they need support.

I think people should help their children financially, especially with uni fees and house deposits, if they can afford to. Of course, you raise them to be self sufficient but older generations in general started with advantages we (and the younger generations) didn’t. House prices are insane compared to the median wage for one.

Nail on the head. We've raised our son to be self sufficient, made sure he got the best education possible, helped him choose his Uni and degree subject, helped him get his graduate scheme job. BUT, even now in his third year of working, he can still only just afford to live because of insane housing costs, commuting costs, cost of utilities/food, etc. We're just grateful he's not getting into debt and living within his monthly wage rather than taking out loans and building up credit card debt. We helped him out in lots of ways throughout his education and career choices in terms of support, helping him research options, etc. But we also helped him out financially whilst at Uni and even now he's working. At Uni we contributed towards some of his rent and living costs meaning he didn't need to take out maximum student loans. When he first moved away to work, we helped him out by buying him furniture and kitchen stuff for his unfurnished flat, we helped him out by giving him our old car so he didn't have to buy one in his new city. That's just what normal parents do to give them a helping hand in life. Now, after he's been working over two years, his wage has increased and we don't help him anymore with living costs etc., but we still "top up" his ISAs each year to help him save a deposit for his own home eventually and help him to avoid falling into the pit of despair that he'd never be able to buy his own house due to the insane house price inflation and rents. We're giving him a "hand up" rather than a "hand out" to help him become self sufficient and more importantly keep him on the right track with his career etc so that he can do the right things, make the right decisions, to look after himself financially for the rest of his life, without needing our financial help in years to come. We've seen it as an investment in him rather than hand outs. Even if we couldn't have helped financially, we'd still have given him full support in terms of helping his research, decision making, planning, general lifestyle wisdom, etc, and we still will as long as he needs us to.

👍

I was helping my DM look at retirement flats today. The development she likes costs between £500-£700k for the flat, with service charge of £900 per month and then further additional charges for cleaning, meals, nursing etc.

Based on this thread I guess I should just be telling her it’s too expensive and she should be giving her money to my kids instead?

Did she buy one?

Not today, no.