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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Nervous about my son's new relationship with a girl with a toddler.

94 replies

BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:07

My son is 26, he has a great job and earns a decent amount of money (particularly for the area we live in) he's desperately trying to save a deposit for a house now and begin to think about moving out. He lives with his dad as it's easier regarding where he works.( His dad and I are both in new relationships and are on friendly terms. )

He split up with his girlfriend of 5 years last year which we were all sad about but it was his first serious relationship and it had run its course. He had some counselling over the break up and was depressed for a while. I admired how he dealt with it though and by Christmas he was in a much better place. He's quite an emotionally intelligent person but a bit naive sometimes. He started going out more with his friends and has been planning a trip to Thailand for the end of the summer.

He's now met a girl ( via a dating app) who is the same age as him and has a 14 month old son. She lives about 15 miles away. None of us have met her yet but he's really taken with her. She doesn't currently work but managed a nursery before she had her son. The babies dad isn't on the scene at all and she gets some support from her parents and older sister but from what I can gather it's not consistent.

He's eager for me to meet her and says she's a great person, an amazing mum and loving and kind.

I knew that because he was approaching his late 20's the chances of him meeting someone with children would increase. We don't have any young children or babies in our family so he has limited experience with this.

I want him to be happy but this changes everything in his life if the relationship progresses. His dad and I have both talked to him gently about how limiting a new relationship with a child can be and to think long and hard about it all but he's a man in the throes of a new relationship so a lot of it went on deaf ears - I know that feeling!

I also know that this could be an amazing thing, it could work out and they could live happily ever after.

But I'm just wary and a little bit concerned. I may feel better once I meet her. It may not even last.

Anyone got experience of this please? I just want him to be happy and will support him always.

OP posts:
Decorhate · 01/04/2026 16:14

I don't think there is much you can do but keep quiet about any misgivings and approach the meeting with an open mind.

The only thing you might want to gently mention is that she may want another child quite quickly so the age gap is not too big and how does he feel about that?

We have a similar situation in our extended family but the young man is younger than your ds and a bit immature and went from single to having a pregnant girlfriend within a few months. And she also has a child already. Just hoping it all works out ok.

newornotnew · 01/04/2026 16:18

He's a 26 year old man, she's a 26 year old woman.

I think you have to keep an open mind because they're not kids and they might be a good match.

user1476613140 · 01/04/2026 16:19

I know the feeling about having to keep opinions to yourself. You never know, it may not come to much.

Merseymum1980 · 01/04/2026 16:20

My step dads nan felt the same about.my mum as you do now.
Im and have been incredibly close to her for years.
My mum and step dad have been married for 40 years. I do a lot for my step nan (much.more so than her biological grand children).
Im also close to my parents.
It can work out and you may form a bond with the little one

Original poster
BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:20

@Decorhate thanks for your reply.

His previous girlfriend and he used to go away for weekends to London, they bought a tent and did loads of camping and walking. They did so much travelling together- Italy, Dubai, Bali, Greece. They were always doing something. He won't be able to experience those things with his new girlfriend.

OP posts:
SapphireOpal · 01/04/2026 16:21

Has he met the child? I'd worry they are moving a bit quick if so.

TerribleDogTwos · 01/04/2026 16:21

How long have they been together? Has he already met her child?

Merseymum1980 · 01/04/2026 16:21

BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:20

@Decorhate thanks for your reply.

His previous girlfriend and he used to go away for weekends to London, they bought a tent and did loads of camping and walking. They did so much travelling together- Italy, Dubai, Bali, Greece. They were always doing something. He won't be able to experience those things with his new girlfriend.

Maybe he actually wants something and someone settled after he was burnt by her

Pepperedpickles · 01/04/2026 16:21

You need to be very careful to be positive about this because if it does work out this could potentially become your step grandchild and daughter in law. Don’t do what my dhs family did to me and make it awkward- dh was 23 and I was 27 when we met and I had a dd aged 4. His mum made it very obvious she didn’t like me and here we are nearly 20 years on and with a Ds together who is now a teen and dh has completely cut contact with his whole family - admittedly there is a lot more to than just that but it really didn’t help.

cestlavielife · 01/04/2026 16:23

BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:20

@Decorhate thanks for your reply.

His previous girlfriend and he used to go away for weekends to London, they bought a tent and did loads of camping and walking. They did so much travelling together- Italy, Dubai, Bali, Greece. They were always doing something. He won't be able to experience those things with his new girlfriend.

He has done them already tho.
Ticked off the list. Maybe he happy with trips to a beach in norfolk now
Meet her with open mind

Original poster
BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:23

Yes he's met him, I think it was by accident as her sister bought him back before my son had left her flat.

My ex husband said he rung him and could hear the baby crying in the background.

But, as I know, they're adults. What can I do 🤷‍♀️
I just hope she doesn't see him as her financial get out.

OP posts:
Original poster
BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:26

I'm a very positive person and will totally meet her with an open mind. We already have something in common as I worked in day nurseries before I trained as a teacher. And I love little boys - at 14 months he will be adorable.

OP posts:
Alicorn1707 · 01/04/2026 16:26

"I just want him to be happy and will support him always" and that is absolutely everything that is required from you @BG2015 😊

Villanellesproudmum · 01/04/2026 16:28

Sounds like you’ve raised a good man who doesn’t judge a woman for being a lone parent and any misconceptions about being one.

It’s hard dating as a single parent, people can be very judgmental esp when young.

It does seem to be going a quite a pace, however he is an adult and you have to allow him some freedom to make choices.

Mumofteenandtween · 01/04/2026 16:32

My PIL could have written a similar message just over 25 years ago when BIL brought SIL (who had a toddler) home.

25 years later they are still together, the toddler is now a father himself and the child they had together is all grown up.

There have been bumps in the road as there are in all families and the step arrangement did sometimes make things more complicated. But nothing insurmountable.

Very quickly the little boy became the light of everyone’s life. Who doesn’t want a toddler around getting excited about Santa at Christmas?

SUUUUUUNNNNN · 01/04/2026 16:33

She is a woman and not a girl.

SleeplessInWherever · 01/04/2026 16:37

My brother (28) came out of a long term relationship and met his current partner, probably around a year ago now. She’s 26 and has 3 kids.

Before meeting her he had basically no experience with kids - he’d never even had much to do with his nephews.

Honestly, it’s been the making of him. He’s take to them like a duck to water, which if I’m honest I didn’t expect.

I think my mum enjoys having small children around again too - her grandkids are 9, 10 and
20 now so we’re not offering her the same giddiness anymore!

AmberSpy · 01/04/2026 16:37

BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:20

@Decorhate thanks for your reply.

His previous girlfriend and he used to go away for weekends to London, they bought a tent and did loads of camping and walking. They did so much travelling together- Italy, Dubai, Bali, Greece. They were always doing something. He won't be able to experience those things with his new girlfriend.

I'm sorry OP but I really don't see why that's a problem or frankly any of your business.

GoldDuster · 01/04/2026 16:41

It's a weeks old fling, hopefully they'll keep the child out of the romance for the forseeable.

What's best for the 14 month old would be my concern here, and how they both handle that, but ultimately they're 26 year olds and well into adulthood and making their own decisions. I'd ask your DS to consider getting some advice from a trusted friend with experience about what being a stepfather actually entails if it looks like it's sticking.

Original poster
BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:42

@SUUUUUUNNNNN force of habit. I have two sons in their 20's and still call them 'the lads' 😂

OP posts:
TerribleDogTwos · 01/04/2026 16:54

BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:23

Yes he's met him, I think it was by accident as her sister bought him back before my son had left her flat.

My ex husband said he rung him and could hear the baby crying in the background.

But, as I know, they're adults. What can I do 🤷‍♀️
I just hope she doesn't see him as her financial get out.

By accident? In a new relationship, you make sure that sort of accident doesn’t happen if you don’t want a new partner to meet your child, which is the responsible thing to do. I’d be suspicious of the accidental meeting. If he’s only seen her with her child once, how does he know she is an ‘amazing mum’?

There isn’t much you can do but I’d hope if my son met someone with a child, he’d be taking it very slowly and not meeting the child for a long time, for everyones sake, especially the child’s. Thinking of my kids and other young people around that age I know, a lot of them wouldn’t be interested in someone with children, so the relationship may not last. Just see how things go, I would definitely have a conversation about not being involved in the child’s life too early in the relationship.

bigboykitty · 01/04/2026 17:02

BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:23

Yes he's met him, I think it was by accident as her sister bought him back before my son had left her flat.

My ex husband said he rung him and could hear the baby crying in the background.

But, as I know, they're adults. What can I do 🤷‍♀️
I just hope she doesn't see him as her financial get out.

My grandma used to say this about my loser middle aged dad. He spent all his money on weed and lived in a rented flat. She thought his girlfriend who had kids, a good job and a home of her own, might be with him for his money.

You sound far too involved @BG2015 and at risk of becoming THAT MIL. He's an adult and his girlfriend is an adult woman. Take 10 steps back and stay there.

AgnesMcDoo · 01/04/2026 17:12

You need to keep your opinions to yourself

WhatNoRaisins · 01/04/2026 17:23

I get you. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong about him dating someone with children from a previous relationship but it's something that many people can go into without really thinking about the nuances of the situation.

If this is a long term relationship I'd be inclined to ask some open questions like how he'd feel about her ex being involved with their family or what their expectations are his extended family and this child. These seem like the biggest things on here anyway.

CorvusPurpureus · 01/04/2026 18:02

This happened with my db, & I know my dm felt as you do because she offloaded to me!

20+ years on, & they’re a lovely family - db, sil, dneice (the toddler sil already had) & dnephew.

For what it’s worth, dsil is absolutely not my cup of tea, & it’s entirely mutual. We’re just complete opposites, have nothing in common, & manage to get on each others’ tits within seconds of polite conversation.

But she makes my db happy, they adore one another, & my parents are delighted with their 2 dgc. I think they’ve long since forgotten dm’s initial suspicions & standoffishness (my dad’s a simpler soul - was just ‘yay, ds has a nice new gf, cute blonde toddler running around is a bonus dgc!’).

More to the point, my mum at least tried to keep her thoughts to herself around db - if it hadn’t worked out, I’m sure she’d have helped pick up the pieces. But it did. So it’s lucky she did keep shtum apart from confiding in me, really…

So I’d say be welcoming. Nothing else you can do without potentially damaging your relationship with your ds.