My adult kids have no time for me at all

[RichardOnslowRoper]

I know I will have my arse handed to me.
That's why I am not in AIBU and have namechanged. Please be kind.

My adult kids are both very hardworking and driven. One is doing a very punishing Masters at uni 2 hours away. The other lives with me but in a demanding first job and has a boyfriend.

I barely see or speak to them. I understand it's very hard for young people these days, but is expecting them to go out for lunch or dinner once a month for a couple of hours say, too much?

I know you will all say:
to get hobbies
spend time with DH
make new friends.
travel

I have done all those. But it upsets me that if they have a crisis, I am the first one they call for help. But when all is ok, I am ignored. DH feels the same btw. DD for instance spends hours talking to her friends but doesn't have time for a coffee with me. I raised this nicely with her the other day, but to no avail.

Yes, I know it's better than them lying in bed all day and refusing to study or work.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable OP and I say that as someone in their twenties- I’ve always been close to my family and we have always seen each other at least one day a week even when my sister and I moved out. Once a month, especially for a child who lives with you, is not too much to hope for.

I look after gc so see one child weekly . The other one phones once a week. We have a family WhatsApp so exchange pics and updates. I think they assume I’m fine (have a DH ) and will always be there! I do wonder if it wasn’t for the childminding I’d ever see the local one, they see more of her DPs family I know as they are all very local.
They are all really busy though. I think those with children lead very full lives now, children seem to do so much at weekends.

I have younger dc still but dread this happening. I loved my parents dearly, but remember more distance in my 20s/ early 30s. I went home throughout uni as a boyfriend was still there, but wouldn't have been as close if they weren't.

It makes me sad looking back, as I now know how sad it must have made my mum. I got closer again as I've got older, and seen them much more, but by that time they were much older/ iller and could do less.

It's hard to love your parents and see them a lot as a young adult, without feeling smothered maybe.

As pp have said, hang in there, offer invites they will find tempting, keep lines of communication open, and keep busy - but I feel for you and think the loss is real for parents.

Wow, not trying to impress them at all - just being human, genuinely showing an interest, celebrating them, connecting on an adult level. I pity your cynicism. Maybe our family is different-privileged to have adult kids who enjoy our company, see us as friends, all enjoy spending time together. It’s their choice, our good luck, and our choice too. We don’t take it for granted but nurture our relationships. My father and my in-laws were our friends until they died.

I do relate. I think wfh doesn’t help - is it time for a career change to be with people more? Or if not start your day with a class or something to see people regularly?

That could be a big reason for feeling the need for more engagement, not just from your family. I can imagine being on your own every day at home can become suffocating and possibly lonely. It's a shame but sadly true that at their ages we can be selfish and just want to be woth friends and having fun.

I used to be like your kids, now I’m trying. Keep being there, keep trying to make plans or invite them over and hopefully they’ll be back

I think it's sad OP. My adult son lives about a mile from me. We go for a breakfast at Wetherspoons about once a month. He invited me around for a meal about once ery 3 weeks occasionally more frequently if he knows he's cooking something I really like. He pops in for a coffee about every 10 days and if he goes to Morrisons he texts me and ask if I want any milk or bread dropping in. He will go for a curry with DH, his Step Dad about once every 4-6 weeks. Today he sent me a photo of how his bathroom is coming along because he has a plumber working there. He sends an occasional meme if he thinks it's funny. My eldest DS loves about 160.milrs away but rings me every week when he knows I won't be busy and often WhatsApp me or sends memes. I go to visit him 3 or 4 times each year and he comes to visit me 3 times each year for a weekend. I see my DD and dgc less frequently because she is so busy with the DC who have hobby clubs and homework every evening. They live 160 miles in opposite direction to my eldest DS. My DD, Sil and DGC did go on holiday with us for 8 days last summer and they come at Xmas for a weekend also my DD occasionally pops in on her own if she is passing for work. I visit them about 3 times a year. She rings and WhatsApp me most weeks though. I get occasional photos or messages from DGC. I never put any pressure on any of my DC to visit me but if they do come I always cook their favourite foods and thank them for making effort to come and always arrange fun things to do with DGC if they visit.

Did you mean to rub it in @caringcarer ? Do you think OP felt any better after reading every detail of how good you have it in comparison to her?

@saraclaramajority of people on this thread are saying that it is normal to not have time for your parents in your 20’s. The poster above was showing how it’s not normal for everyone. I certainly propritised my parents until I got married.

But none of these things are your children’s responsibility to solve. Your husband could work less insane hours, you could work outside the home and get more company that way. It’s not your children’s job to fill this hole in your life.

I left home to go to uni age 18, and probably didn’t speak to my parents more than monthly for years. Not because I didn’t love them - I did and do - but because I was exploring the world on my own terms. And yes, of course they would be the first people I’d call in an emergency and expect them to help me. That bond is so deep that it doesn’t need to be topped up all the time with lunches and musicals. They have always been there for me and always will.

TBH my mum is pretty dismissive of parents who rely on their children for company , we’ve never lived in each others pockets.

once I had children, things changed. DH and I lived overseas by that point, but we spent lots of holidays with them and it was great (and just a little suffocating) to be back in the family.

I do think things change when an adult child has their own children.

Thanks for all the responses. Sorry I can't respond to all.

Update: I kept trying and bribing. DD now has found a gap in her schedule to come see The Devil Wears Prada with me. It's the cheesy fun we both like.

DS has been very slow to respond to my texts. Sometimes only emojis. He told me that he keeps his phone off so he can focus on studying and not get distracted. I get that. So I have arranged to go down to meet him in two weeks for lunch. Not the whole day. 🙂

To the pp who asked if I took my kids out for lunch when they graduated, of course I did! With their friends and the parents of their friends!

What’s wrong with seeing DS in the holidays? He’s got his phone off to you. Not his friends. You have only just seen him at Christmas!

He's got his phone off to everyone. If I go see him in mid February, it will be 2 months since I last saw him. For an hour. Which I think is fine. He doesn't have any holidays now till he finishes his degree in July.

I think the fact they turn to you in a crisis is wonderful it shows how much they feel safe with you and love you.

DS worries about me as his sister died 12 years ago and it affected me very badly. He is moving out in June and at first I felt very sad but honestly at 24 he needs to and I have got used to the idea. He stays at his GF a lot now so I have got used to him not being around so much.

I think WFH is miserable, DH and I could WFH before it was a thing but we chose not to. I wither on the vine without people. I have been laid up this week having had a medical emergency last weekend.My God I’m going stir crazy at home. I agreed to do a big survey yesterday, it was an NHS one all official about lifestyle and health. The woman who did it took much longer than usual but said she loved talking to me and we had an in depth discussion about research methods and data.

I know everyone is supposed to be the same now in this alleged equal world but I find men are a bit shitter at communication. Amongst my peer group all my friends say the same about adult male children.

it is heartbreaking but you did a good job raising young adults who don't need you much. I spend more time talking to my DC on messenger than i do in person. Maybe when grandchildren appear we can spend more time together. But I am glad they are confident enough to forge their own way in life without clinging onto the apron strings too.

I expect they will be more communicative when they are older and past these tough years.
Also some genetic component. DH barely speaks to his family beyond pleasantries. He's very quiet and introverted. DS similar.
I WA my mum daily!

Wait until they've both moved out and got homes of their own. Suddenly you come back onto the radar. My lot could barely speak to me when they lived at home and, to be honest, when they first struck out. New partners, new houses, new jobs took all their energy. Now they are all in their thirties and mired in real life and I'm beating them off with a stick (because I take them out to lunch or we go on dog walks or I'm admiring the work they've done on their houses). They have all turned into lovely chatty people (and I also love their partners).

Children mature like fine wine, you just need to give it time.

Cannot wait! Am so glad to hear that. I am baffled by posters who don't want to spend time with their adult kids. DS I dont have that much in common with- he loves football and weird movies- but I try to find the common ground.

Also in re WFH, I can't change that much for various reasons but I have put my hand up for a mentoring role where I mentor some chatty younger people. I think I would be good at that.

I think the cycle is that they come back around. At the moment in their 20s you’re not top of their priorities (sorry) Then as time goes on, particularly if they have kids, they come back around. My mum and I talk constantly now even though we live far apart. I’m 38. We didn’t in my 20s.

That sounds like a perfect role for you!

I have a DS living with me (late 20s). He has never been communicative with me. I am last on his priority list, he has far too many others he needs to ‘impress’ and he knows that Mum is unconditional. When (if) he gets a GF I doubt I will ever see/hear from him if I don’t initiate.

To be honest its soul destroying. I’m all for independence etc and I’m far from needy, but considering you know the bones of a person, I feel I want to spend time with him.I am resigned to who he is now. I have to accept the relationship for what/how it is.

My DC are in their 40s. They are much more considerate than when they were in their 20s. Once they hit mid 30, they started to appreciate us more. One of them in their late 20s.
I think they suddenly realise they may not have their DParents around much longer! 🤣

I want to spend some time with them but not cling to them! There’s a healthy difference. We have different lives and their lives don’t revolve around me - but occasionally it does and that’s great but I don’t need to see them all the time.