My adult kids have no time for me at all

[RichardOnslowRoper]

I know I will have my arse handed to me.
That's why I am not in AIBU and have namechanged. Please be kind.

My adult kids are both very hardworking and driven. One is doing a very punishing Masters at uni 2 hours away. The other lives with me but in a demanding first job and has a boyfriend.

I barely see or speak to them. I understand it's very hard for young people these days, but is expecting them to go out for lunch or dinner once a month for a couple of hours say, too much?

I know you will all say:
to get hobbies
spend time with DH
make new friends.
travel

I have done all those. But it upsets me that if they have a crisis, I am the first one they call for help. But when all is ok, I am ignored. DH feels the same btw. DD for instance spends hours talking to her friends but doesn't have time for a coffee with me. I raised this nicely with her the other day, but to no avail.

Yes, I know it's better than them lying in bed all day and refusing to study or work.

We have 6 ranging from 40 to mid 20s. They all have phones surgically attached to their hands but never answer calls or texts from us until they bored, yes they can find our number when they want something, if we don't answer it sends them into a panic. One even drives past our house twice a day but never calls in unless he needs something. It is not that we don't have a great relationship with them, we do but they are busy. We spend months on end every year visiting them all. We are invited to stay a month at a time with some of them so it's not like they don't like us. My SIS has a son 40 mikes away that she see's once a year if she is lucky, they have a great relationship but he is in the city living his best life.

Jeeze, don't do that, OP. That kind of conversation needs to be face to face (if it has to happen at all). It needs tone of voice, facial expression and body language to modify the words and communicate the feelings behind it. Messaging is the absolute WORST way to communicate anything that could be read in a tone other than the one in which it was written, and could be seen as critical.

I swear that most friends and family fall outs these days are due to the misinterpretation of words on a screen, and wouldn't have happened if the conversation had been had in person.

My mother put passive aggressive pressure on me to move to live near her and be her close companion. That was the last thing I wanted and eventually I went low contact with her when I realised she was telling people I would get in touch with her when I wanted something (she said this about other people too) which infuriated me because there were times when I needed support and it wasn't forthcoming. Don't be needy, don't cultivate an air of martyrdom and don't hang around waiting for your adult children to include you in things. Develop a life of your own.

Don't think I am. DS wants to emigrate and I am all for it. He will have better opportunities overseas.

I am happy for DD to move out this year too. She has been trying for a while but it's hard in London.

Based on my experience, when an adult child does not want to meet one, or both, parents it's for a good reason. I'd like to hear their take on the matter.

How do you suggest I arrange this? 😀
I suppose I should be glad they are not Brooklyn Beckham!
Mental note: do not dance with DS at his wedding.

@ExpectZeroContext They are busy snd parents aren’t the centre of their life! Why should they be when they are at university? It would be a bit odd if the one 2 hours away wanted monthly meet ups. The dd at home - wants boyfriend but fairly normal too. It’s not about having reasons it’s about stage of life. If they wanted baby sitting, it might be completely different. This stage of early adulthood often doesn’t revolve around parents.

sorry, OP, it hurts. But that is how it is with some young people.

When my DCs were growing up, they know that i made a point of calling my parents once a week, and that when WhatsApp etc came in we were all connected and communicated a fair bit.

Did you show any of that kind of behaviour growing up? if it isn't what they have experienced, not much contact might just be their normal.

But doesn’t it also depend on the individual? I like my parents (and my in laws) but there’s little chance of me arranging to meet up with them monthly and it can go several days before I’ve spotted a message on my phone. I’m fortunate that my mum understands my independent nature and doesn’t have unrealistic expectations of contact.

It’s not unreasonable. I see my 26 year old DD weekly for a drink or meal. She has a full time teaching job. I see my 20 year DD old every 2-3 weeks and she’s at university an hour away. I am particularly close to both of them though.

My 3 all late 20s live about 2 hours drive away but each in opposite directions. Whilst I chat several times a week to my middle child who hasn't got a partner and only recently started again in yet another new city (4th time including uni) so lacking a big friendship circle, i find conversations with the eldest and youngest very hard work. They just don't 'chat' even when we meet in person. The best thing about the meeting in person is the number of hugs I get or get to give . The worst bit is that I always end up paying for food and stuff when I go and see them and I'm skint.

I don't have a DH/partner/close friends so have to keep reminding myself that these are my babies who I have brought up and given the confidence to go out into the world and make their own lives away from me. Much better than my own life where I lived very close to and worked with my parents and our lives were and are very enmeshed.

I brought my dc to be independent. Why would they not see their friends over me? I thought teachers worked 80 hours a week? Or so they say!

Agree!
@Skybunneeyoure asking what could op have in common with her own children!
You’re not a chatty person so you don’t want to talk to them?

As an adult, I now know this is exactly how my DM felt. At the time she only said that she knew that ‘no news is good news’ and that she would soon hear if there was anything wrong. That her job was to raise a functioning adult

of course, now I understand that she would have loved more of my company but at the time I was enjoying my life and I’m sorry to admit it never really gave her a thought day to day. Felt good if I remembered to celebrate her birthday

honestly, it is a good sign that you have done a great job xx

I honestly never realised that once my kids were fully grown up, I'd have to spend the rest of my life hiding my feelings.

I'm lucky in that I get to see them pretty regularly and they're good and kind people. But I'm often putting myself last, swallowing my disappointment, and putting a brave face on things. Because no-one wants a needy mother when they're independent, and I empathise and understand their busy lives.

And yes, I now I understand how much my lovely MIL must have missed us in between visits (not my mum, she wasn't remotely interested in us!)

It's not their fault you don't have anything to do. You can't rely on them to be your company. You need to have your own friends and own hobbies, etc.

I finally went no contact with my over bearing and narcissistic mother just over a year ago. She demanded a weekly visit to see my children(as in, a slot for one hour per week same day same time reserved for her). She also would panic if I hadn't called her by 10am to let her know I was alive (everyday). Bare in mind, I was 27 with a 5 and 7 year old child. 😐 Talk about smothering!

I get where you are coming from op, but I’m on the other side of this. My parents divorced when I was small and both remarried. They were then too busy with new partners and families to really bother with me, I spent vast periods of my childhood alone. As an adult, I’d have loved to meet once a month for a coffee or them to show any interest at all really, but they didn’t and I have very little to do with either of them now.
I think your children feel secure in their relationship with you and are out living their lives, safe in the knowledge that they are loved. That’s great for them but I can see how it’s a bit hurtful for you.

every six months or so I send my daughters a range of dates and we pick one to have a day out together. I take the initiative but am
guided by what they can do and what time they have. Can you try this - suggesting a few dates and lunch spot? It’s not every month but it’s something we all look fwd to

My adult son uni student is autistic & just wants to live his own life the way he wants& have complete independence. There is nothing deeper to it than that.
Breaks my heart tho

OP, it should improve when they get older. I think this is the age when my children spent the least time with us. Now they are older and have children of their own, I see them every week. I look after my grandchildren.
My husband also worked long hours when they were this age and I only worked part time but my husband and I made the most of our free time. I enjoy time on my own to do my hobbies so I didn’t get bored.

I spent more time with my Mum when I got to my 30’s. Before that, I didn’t really have any interest in going for coffee etc with her but now we go every week. Maybe it will change as they get older? I guess it’s good they come to you when they need help, even though it seems like a piss take when they don’t want to spend time with you.

So you have to try and impress your kids so that they'll give you the time of day. I've heard it all now!

I bet when they are in their 30s/40s you’ll be sick of them as they will be wanting to spend more time with you. I rarely see my mum have a phone call maybe once every 2 weeks, life is busy.

I feel your pain. My DD will be on the phone to me daily when she’s got problems or in a crisis with boyfriends. Then never calls when things are good. I see very little of her as she lives hundreds of miles away. It really upsets me.