My adult kids have no time for me at all

[RichardOnslowRoper]

I know I will have my arse handed to me.
That's why I am not in AIBU and have namechanged. Please be kind.

My adult kids are both very hardworking and driven. One is doing a very punishing Masters at uni 2 hours away. The other lives with me but in a demanding first job and has a boyfriend.

I barely see or speak to them. I understand it's very hard for young people these days, but is expecting them to go out for lunch or dinner once a month for a couple of hours say, too much?

I know you will all say:
to get hobbies
spend time with DH
make new friends.
travel

I have done all those. But it upsets me that if they have a crisis, I am the first one they call for help. But when all is ok, I am ignored. DH feels the same btw. DD for instance spends hours talking to her friends but doesn't have time for a coffee with me. I raised this nicely with her the other day, but to no avail.

Yes, I know it's better than them lying in bed all day and refusing to study or work.

I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all!

I have teenage children, one's a step daughter who works full time and lives with her mum. I know we're not main characters in her life anymore but we do see her monthly. She's invited to everything (birthday meals, theatre trips, holidays, weddings, watching her brothers play sports, my mum's every week for a roast) - she can't do it all but she'll opt into what she wants. It's tricky with her work hours as she works weekends but this week we had a midweek pub dinner and it was lovely.

When I was a student living an hour away I'd phone for chats, all three of my siblings would too - some weekly, some monthly but it would be a catch up chat on both sides.

Did you watch Riot Girls on BBC? Your post reminded me of the teacher who lived in the cottage whose son treats her like she's the bottom of the pile. It broke my heart.

I see you've mentioned that you don't eat together, that feels wild to me. When I moved back home after uni and had my first full time job, we'd still have our evening meal together. That's the perfect time for chat, jokes, and eating!

It's hard to start a tradition from scratch, especially if the other people sound like they can't be arsed already. But what about a monthly Sunday Roast out at a local pub or something? A bit of a treat but not super fancy. My boys would never turn down a free meal! haha. I know you said your daughter turned down a coffee, would she turn down a bottomless brunch? A meal at somewhere she really wants to go to?

Do you phone the one who lives away? Do they prefer WhatsApp? Have you been to visit them?

Keep inviting them to stuff. Enjoy your own life full of friends and fun and hopefully they'll grow up and realise what they're missing out on. Like I said, we stop being the main characters in their lives and that's a bit sad but you mentioned that they still come to you in a crisis so they still see you as a place of safety and security.

So when they passed their exams did you taken them for a meal/cocktails and cinema whatever to celebrate? You really do need to put the work in with them at this age, be busy and interesting too. Are you going to invite them to meet up with you during your Italy trip? Expect nothing hope for everything etc.

This was my mum too 😊She would suggest coming to visit in the city I lived in and mentioning a trip to my favourite restaurant (which she knew I couldn't afford to go to without her 😂) plus a bit of shopping. As a skint 20-something living off beans on toast and pot noodles, it always worked!

Nothing remains as it is, so hang in there.

And completely agree. Once I got to 28-29 I got bored of the constant going out drinking, socialising, online dating etc and started enjoying spending time in my mums company again. I would be there every weekend having a takeaway and a bottle of wine and watching a film. Sadly she died a couple of years ago now but I was doing this right up until her final weeks with us and I'm so glad I did.

I think the 20s which they are most likely in are the worst. Also is there any reason they could not want to spend time with you? Do you nag for example or are you negative. These were both my reasons. Doubt it is that and more likely being self centered. Sadly, you might have to wait this phase out

Mine are the same.
I don’t expect to be part of their circle and we check in by WhatsApp.
I foster dogs and they check in on them more than me. Maybe find a hook like that if you are interested, you would be perfect for it as you work from home.

It's a process but you need to adjust your expectations. I'm not saying it easy! I found it has helped by concentrating more on what I want for this phase of my life. I also try to take equal responsibility for visits. My DC is at uni a few hours away and travelled back for Christmas. So I am travelling up at Easter for a few days and staying in a hotel, but I have been very clear that I don't expect them to entertain me the whole time and that I actually have a few things I want to do myself in the surrounding area. I think otherwise they feel the weight of our expectations and it's either too heavy for them, too annoying for them or completely passes them by and we increase the expectations, all depending on their personality!

Its not perosnal. It actually in many ways is a sign you raised them right. Thry are doing their own thing and will come back around in time.

Main aim is just keep lines of communication open.
I'd go for an 80/20 approach in that you do 80 % of the leg work.

At that age i was similar and im v close with my mum now age 40

my mum sent me memes or links to things she saw....
If you have a group chat I'd do that.

Consider driving up to them once a month and taking them some shopping (maybe stuff for a big fry up and have a brunch?) Or just some food staples and take then out for a nice lunch.

if you ever see events on thst you think they'd like ask if they want to go with you and get tickets. Things like traitors or love island etc are good communal chat...

For their birthdays maybe part of the gift is a dinner out (you go to them) maybe let them bring a friend?

I think when they are starting out, every minute is consumed by work/study.seeing friends .Often if problems or worries will see them more .Do you work at all? Maybe see if a friendly colleague might like a coffee /lunch out.Do you like dogs .They are great company and you meet lots of people .I met a really good friend and that led to outings ,coffees and someone to talk to at a given time each week.My DC are similar !

I would explore this further. I have two adult chikdren and one almost adult. Two living at home and one at Uni. The two adults would always ensure they make time for us whereas we have to “force” or insist the 17 year old does. I am hoping this will change one they leave home actually and appreciate us more.
We have been led to believe the two older ones genuinely enjoy our company so it’s not a “chore” for them.

Thanks for all the messages. Many of us in the same boat, I guess.

Just had a brief 10 min convo with DD about her outfit- I complimented it- and her boyfriend- apparently he's too clingy- before she ran off for work. Must definitely not lay on the histrionics! Or be clingy like the boyfriend. 😀

I do bribe my DS with a nice lunch or DD with tickets to a musical or jazz gig.

Travel: they tend to use their limited time off to go away with their friends or partners. I don"t mind that.

Likely also being menopausal is making me feel old and sad and useless too. Am on HRT. I do realise this is my problem. The way of the world is that we love and need our kids more than they love and need us.

@Pollqueen you didn't see your DC for 5 years? What? That would really upset me.

At least one of my DC wants to emigrate- and has skillls-so I better be prepared for that!

But it upsets me that if they have a crisis, I am the first one they call for help. But when all is ok, I am ignored.

I'd raise that point with both of them, by text as that is how they operate

I'm happy to help when you have a crisis, but how about you being happy to have a 45 minute coffee with me when you're not having troubles. Relationships go two ways

@RichardOnslowRoper

Bribery !
My 21 year old is away at uni. As its always been just me and him we are very close. But he is busy with uni and work.

When he's home his shifts make it difficult to eat together but we manage it a couple of times a week. We do watch football matches together and there are two athletics meetings we go to every year.
But often the only real time we get together is if I suggest we go out for dinner or sometimes breakfast.
In term time we meet up in Birmingham for brunch occasionally. As I foster school age children, I also take them for a day out in half terms to where he lives and we meet up for lunch or tea.
So food and footie work here.

The way of the world is that we love and need our kids more than they love and need us.

don't you believe it - things change & if they come to you with their crisis now im sure they will be coming to you for advice and help well into the future

Never stop asking for a monthly lunch or dinner or even breakfast, or even a coffee and cake out, even if its individually (then you get 1 to 1 time with each and you get 2 mother and child dates out a month) They will eventually agree, just don't give up asking. 😊

Feel for you OP, I was much the same in my twenties.it cones back around as they get older. Xx

I have a 21 & 22 year old. One at Uni and one graduated last year living 3 hours away. I am much more on the periphery of their lives now but they do keep in contact with a message every few days or so. I know they love me and I am the first person they want in times of need. I would feel upset if I was you too, but I wasn’t that close to my Mum in my early 20s. Late 40s and we are as close as ever!

Surely you would be more worried if by their mid 20's they didnt have their own lives.

I reckon 20-30 is the time in life when you see parents the least.

The one at university won’t see you every month. That’s a bit clingy. After that, what’s the job plan?

One at home - she’s in your house! Neither of mine are. Both between 1-1.5 hours away. I see them and then I don’t! They come home to the countryside for a break from busy jobs but it’s not a regular arrangement. We message and they certainly touch base if there’s an issue! However they are a bit older and have moved on from the self absorbed phase! DD1 did a 4 year degree followed by 3 more years of courses and training so many dc work hard to get into the job they want. They do settle down and certainly if DD falls out with boyfriend you will know about it.

You’re not unreasonable at all, that’s bloody hurtful. My children are about to move out and I’d be beyond hurt if they wouldn’t even see me once a month. It’s not about filling my life with other things, it’s about wanting to see my children which is perfectly normal. My parents are elderly and I see them.. i’d have to really hate them to abandon them.

I think all we can do is keep communications open even if brief and cursory and accept we are no longer the axis of their world at this stage. One thing I do is share newspaper articles about their profession/ local events that might interest them etc , silly memes and all that which sometimes creates a conversation. I actually think it’s lovely that your kids would come to you first in an emergency - you are their safe space and comfort. That’s worth a lot.

I think in our 20s we need our parents to be a safe haven that needs nothing from us, in order to launch properly.

If they're kind and good company, we gravitate back over time.

Having a parent who draws on our resources at that stage can put the brakes on and cause a failure to launch properly. I speak from experience.

One thing that never fails to reel in the dcs is the dog….

Also agree about “Shall we go to ££££ restaurant?” Or “I have tickets for £Show£” . The mercenary gits pop up like meerkats!

I didn't and my m was clingy and very needy, she never changed though even when I had kids. Smothering comes to mind, it pushed me away.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all and am shocked at some of these responses. I don’t see a Masters, full time work, having a social life etc as providing any excuse for not connecting with you, and your feelings are valid. When I’ve felt ignored or undervalued by my similarly aged daughters it can key into quite a wounded part of myself. I am so busy trying not be vulnerable or needy that the message they can get is ‘I’m fine, I’m busy too, I’m proud and happy that you are so fulfilled’ so I’m not seen as a needy middle aged women but an independent and empowered person) these things are true but it can get misinterpreted. I’m not sure what’s going on within your family dynamics but I sympathise and hope you can tell them what you need, listen to their own views, and find a way to navigate these evolving relationships.

It's not black or white, is it? Human relationships are tricky.
I actually think I will have a better relationship with DD when she moves out later this year. She lived away a couple of years ago and then we met for longer. I think now she sees me all day while nipping in and out, so to her, it feels like she sees enough of me.