My adult kids have no time for me at all

[RichardOnslowRoper]

I know I will have my arse handed to me.
That's why I am not in AIBU and have namechanged. Please be kind.

My adult kids are both very hardworking and driven. One is doing a very punishing Masters at uni 2 hours away. The other lives with me but in a demanding first job and has a boyfriend.

I barely see or speak to them. I understand it's very hard for young people these days, but is expecting them to go out for lunch or dinner once a month for a couple of hours say, too much?

I know you will all say:
to get hobbies
spend time with DH
make new friends.
travel

I have done all those. But it upsets me that if they have a crisis, I am the first one they call for help. But when all is ok, I am ignored. DH feels the same btw. DD for instance spends hours talking to her friends but doesn't have time for a coffee with me. I raised this nicely with her the other day, but to no avail.

Yes, I know it's better than them lying in bed all day and refusing to study or work.

How old are they? I think all bets are off until mid 20s to be honest. They are probably at a very selfish and self absorbed phase but if you want to keep them close I think you need to let them go for a while….

I think it’s unreasonable to expect a monthly meet up from your child who lives 2hrs away. Do you never speak to them on the phone or text them?

Does the child that lives with you never have dinner or a cup of tea with you? It seems weird to not even see someone once a month that lives with you?

OP, when you were in your 20s, did you want to spend any time with your folks?
This is the best time of their lives - of course they prefer to be with their friends or partners. And they also have to work very hard, if they want to make something of themselves.

OP, don't be needy, because that will really push them away. And try to remember what it's like to be young!

Aargh I have explained this badly. Sorry. Dont expect the child who lives away to meet me monthly but even when he comes back in the hols, he is either at the gym or working or with friends. We do text but very basic communication. like " I passed my exams".
Yeah, neither eat dinner with us. And insisting on it will drive them away.
They are 21 and 24.

Also, despite my username, I am not a gunrunner!

I am not a chatty person so didn’t really want to chat to adult DCs at that age. What do you have in common to talk about?
If we did hear it was usually to have a sympathetic ear about a work or money problem which I am happy to provide.
mine are late 30s now and I do a fair bit of childminding so we have a shared interest now with the children.
Also they are a bit more interested in our welfare -DH older than me.
But til they had kids we only spoke occasionally - we use watsapp a lot but just brief things.

edit -summary -things change when they are older/have children

It's how young adults are, sometimes, I think. All you can do is keep offering and inviting and talking to them and see what happens. If they come to you when they have a problem that's a good thing, they trust you to help them.

My adult kids vary, one calls me every day just to chat but also calls me with problems, another calls me less often but we chat for hours when we do speak, they live a long way away and I'm definitely called with problems, which is fine.

We all send each other funny memes on Instagram and that keeps us connected, I like it. So even if we don't speak for a few days they'll send me stuff to make me laugh and I'll react (only with an emoji!)

What shared interests do you have? Or what are your kids into which you can message about? TV shows, gym routines advice.

I didn't. You are right.
I guess the difference is life feels so much more lonely these days thanks to job mobility, long work hours and smaller families.
My only sibling lives abroad. Many of my friends left London in the pandemic. Trying v hard to make new friends but it takes time. DH works insane hours.
My mum had a large family, a husband who worked 9 to 5, and I don't recall working so hard in my 20s.

I am planning a solo trip by myself to Italy shortly to fill the void!

That’s quite sad. Although I don’t think you can have any expectations of them and shouldn’t be demanding of your children, it would be nice of them to give you a small amount of their time.

My son is a similar age and although he is busy with a uni placement, friends etc, he has really made time to do things with us and his siblings in the last few years. We don’t have a big family, we have no contact with some etc, so we’ve always encouraged family time and I’m happy that he’s continuing it despite being older now.

How has your relationship been with them over the years? If it’s been good, I think they’ll ’come back yo you’ as they get older, are more settled and realise how lovely it is to have interested and loving parents.

Many common interests with my DD. And we did go for a musical in November. Can probably lure her to go for another musical or play if I try. Feels like hard work though!
Not so many with DS.

OK, but those are your issues to resolve, not your children’s. It’s not their fault you’re lonely and at a loose end. It’s absolutely developmentally appropriate that they’re looking outward outside the family, and engaging with life, career, studies etc.

Honestly I always assume these threads are by parents who don’t realise they’re shit parents and that’s why their kids aren’t interested…

but this bit: But it upsets me that if they have a crisis, I am the first one they call for help.

this is your sign you’ve done a good job. You’re their safe space. They’re getting on with life and they’re focusing elsewhere, but clearly you remain their constant. Don’t take it to heart. Busy yourself. They’ll come back to you.

I know when I was on my twenties my parents were not in my radar .I do regret that . I moved country and called home a lot . When I had my own kids I realised how much I appreciated my family . Your DCs will come around too.
But I guess this is what empty nest is all about. Good on you for continuing to plan things for yourself ..

I find it a bit weird that you don't ever eat dinner together. How does dinner time work? Do you sit with your husband and then your DC cooks and eat separately?

What about things like Christmas/Easter/whatever? Do they never come home and you all eat together?

Can't get my head around that TBH?

Seen your last message - do you work OP? Maybe this would help give some balance to your life (and mean your DH doesn't have to work crazy hours?).

I think you need to focus on finding some thing you can communicate with him about.

Don’t worry, they’ll come back to you. It’s just a phase. I wish I’d been less self absorbed in my twenties but I’m clamouring for time with my parents now I’m older. Often they are too busy with their hobbies and friends to take my calls 😆 Enjoy Italy, plan another trip after that, take a language class - maybe you’ll even have them as travel companions in a few years.

Most of my adult DC were like this in their 20's and one, i didnt see in person for about 5 years. Once they started having kids themselves that changed and I couldn't get rid of them.

They'll be back when they need you!

Yes, I do. I WFH though.

This is really normal in your twenties

You don’t sound like my mum at all- I’m not comparing, but I never forgave my mum for the absolutely histrionics during this time. Constant guilty texts about ‘making an effort’ and that people haven’t seen me. I was in a very tough career and in the throes of her attention seeking had a really nasty break up. She just didn’t understand that this was my decade to be a bit self absorbed.

It is so understanding that you are sad about it. But if you treat this period with grace and are available with treats and low-pressure check ins, they will come back to you.

I feel this too sometimes @RichardOnslowRoper and then I force myself to remember that I always wanted them to be happy, successful and live their own full lives.

I resort to low grade bribery sometimes, in that I offer to pay for holiday accommodation for a city break or similar and they'll join me. Or with DD I will suggest lunch in town, which she knows will usually result in a small act of generosity on my part with a clothing purchase!

I enjoy their company so much, but I know that spending time with their mother is not top of their priority list right now. I also know that I'm the first call when they have problems, which is a good thing. You couldn't have paid me to tell my parents about any problem I was having!!!!!. I suspect the relationship will change again as they and I grow older. Nothing remains as it is, so hang in there.

I get you OP. Both mine are in their early 40s, working full time and with families of their own. I message them (can't use the phone as I am deaf) and sometimes never hear back for days.

FWIW when I was in my 20s I lived in the closest city to home (less than 30 minutes away) and I think I visited my mum one weekend every few months 😐I feel bad posting that now and it makes me sad to think she felt the way you did.

But honestly I was just having too much fun and wanted to spend all my spare time with friends and boyfriends and enjoying my independence. It would have been the same if I lived at home (although obviously by default would have seen her a lot more often).

I do understand how you feel but also know that just because they are prioritising everything over their parents currently, the fact that you say you're the first person they come to in a crisis means you're the most important person in the world to them.

Once I turned 30 I gravitated back to my mum (not to live with) and spent LOADS of time with her. We had many, many holidays and mini breaks together and I appreciated her a million times more than I ever had done. But you need that break and independence of your 20s to gain that understanding and appreciation of your parents I think 😊

Please don't take their behaviour personally. They're still self-absorbed at that age.
The fact that you're their first port of call in a crisis is a good thing! It shows that they trust you, know they can rely on your support and value your input. I think these are signs of a healthy connection between you and them. They'll spend more time with you as they get a little older.

This is probably the weirdest post I've ever read on here.