DD wanting to leave uni. Lonely and finds day to day life anxiety inducing. Will she always be like this?

[allthethings]

This is long. I'd really appreciate some support or an outsiders view- particularly if you've had similar experiences.

DD is in 2nd term of university and doesn't want to be there anymore.

Prior to this, she had a gap year and she lived at home and had a good well paid hospitality job, allowing her to save. It was always an option for her not to go to university so long as she looked for apprenticeships or entry level jobs. In the end she only ever applied for anything I sought for her.

She probably went to university to please us and get us off her back but she didn't have any friends here so we thought she'd only flourish if she started afresh - we knew it could be sink or swim.

She started in September and engaged well with her studies, attended everything, and got some good grades. She said she was enjoying the course. She had to move accommodation but seemed to be making friends and had a few weeks where we thought she was flourishing and her past was behind her. Those, admittedly, were blissful weeks, as it was the first time in 10 or more years I wasn't worried about her. I felt I could think about myself and my life.

I'm lost over how to best help her and distraught that she could drop out and be back how things were last year but with no future prospects and still no hobbies or opportunities to make friends. She has come a long way and coped living independently very well and handled her studies well She's just not able to cope with her discomfort and anxiety and lack of friends.

She's reached out to wellbeing services and will get some counseling and support but she's spiraled in the last week. I need to get her home. The plan is to consider medication for anxiety and get her some proper counseling but try to get her to go back to university as we fear she's not thinking straight and could regret leaving a few weeks down the line. But how likely is this? She's not got a plan of what she'd rather be doing. I think we'd be okay with her dropping out if she at least had some friends here, but she's just going to be stuck at home feeling safe but sad. I can't see her getting an actual job unless I do all the work and I just can't do it anymore.

Or should I push the neurodivergent screening more? Can anxiety disorder present like some aspects of ADHD inattentive or is the anxiety likely an offshoot of ADHD.

Thank you if you read this far. Where's the manual for parenting adult children?!

If you have always done everything for her she is going to struggle with the university environment more than other people (and its always a tough adjustment). I have two half sisters who were very reliant on my dad and step mum who have been to uni the last few years and it was honestly the making of both of them. They both struggled to adjust at first, and both wanted to come home after Xmas the first year. I think having been home for the holidays made them both realise how much easier life was for them at home. But both stuck it out and made friends and ended up loving the rest of their time there. A friends daughter is also at Uni now and also wanted to drop out and come home this month. I think its pretty common. I stayed at home for my first degree and really regretted it - I didnt make any friends as I was not there on site to be doing all of the social activities and I always felt left out. I dont think moving to a Uni nearer home is the answer. I went away for my second degree and had a much better time and made friends for life. I would try and get her to stay and see how it goes. I do think she will regret it if she doesn't.

Edited to say that this post was meant to be in response to post where op said she was seeking counselling for herself! I think I attached it to the wrong post, sorry!

Oh my goodness op, as the parent of two DDs who attend university, one of whom has ASD, my heart goes out to you and I can completely relate to the weight on your shoulders and the feeling of sometimes wanting to run away.

It’s a tough, long road you are on but, however bad it looks now, I promise you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a great first step that you are seeking support for yourself, especially if your dh isn’t quite as understanding perhaps of mh issues as he might be.

First of all, how much do you know about autism in girls and young women?

Does your dd have any sensory issues by any chance? An unusual sensitivity to noises, smells, textures, tastes?

I have read every post of this thread and although one should be very wary of diagnosing someone over the internet, especially when not qualified to do so, every cell of my body is screaming out to me that your dd has ASD.

It’s very typical indeed that high masking autistic girls just about survive school if they are shy, well behaved and intelligent and their academic work is handed in, And it’s typical that they fall apart at university once the timetabled structure is gone.

I know it is draining for you but it’s good that she is back at home with you for a week or so, so that you can both, pause, breathe and reassess while she can rest and enjoy some home comforts.

I don’t want to impose my thoughts on you or your dd op but fwiw I would in your shoes be doing the following:

🌳be very active in encouraging your dd to contact her tutor, the university counselling services and the university admin by phone and in writing to let them know what is happening. If your dd is too anxious or embarrassed, and her instinct is to hide, then you must do this for her. You don’t need a set plan atm but be honest and let them know that your dd is struggling and allow them to help you by suggesting deferring or offering counselling services. Make sure they get back to you in writing so you know they have a written record. The earlier you do this the more options your dd will have later on.

🌳 reading up as much as you can about ASD in women and girls which can present very differently to how it shows up in men. Seek recommendations from the SEN board on this site. Particularly about masking in female autistic women; which is exactly how your dd behaved at school but you and your family saw a different side to her at home.

🌳investigate ND resources and groups at your DD’s uni

🌳engage with a few female ASD “advocates” on-line, again I would seek up to date recommendations but a few which were helpful to me when researching for my dd were: Yo Samdy Sam on You Tube and Mom on the Spectrum on You Tube. Sarah Hendrickx on You Tube. Perhaps your dd could be persuaded to look at a few of them?

🌳 Buy your dd a copy of Invisible Differences: A Story of Autism Disorder by Julie Dachez

🌳If your dd relates to any of the information in the above resources seek out recommendations in your area for a licensed psychologist specialising in autism in females. Be very careful about this because it’s usual for autistic women to be diagnosed with many other conditions, such as borderline personality disorder, by therapists who are not knowledgeable about ASD in females.

🌳Approach gp to discuss a low dose of beta blockers to lessen the physical sensation of intense anxiety,

🌳try and get across to your dd that if she is suffering from anxiety and depression, or if she has ASD, she is still a “normal” person; don’t let her stay worrying in her own head! thinking her problems are unique and that there is something wrong with her. There really isn’t. She just need different strategies and conditions in which she can thrive.
Her therapist needs to be someone with a good pragmatic streak too who offers the right balance of enouragement, humour, practical strategies and support.

Some other thoughts:

•men sometimes respond better to having a practical task in these situations, rather than dealing with emotional fallout. If a compromise is possible and your dd agrees to continue at university from home or coming home at weekends, would your dh be willing to help drive your dd there and back or do some of the travelling with her?

*your dd is not failing if she has been able to cope with a seasonal public facing job and accrue savings. She has coped extremely well. Sometimes failing to cope at university distills down to too many unknowns all at once! How to behave, how to develop friendships, how to cook for oneself , how one should be feeling, how to schedule one’s time? It’s overwhelming! A little guidance on all of those things can go a long way. ASD is in part a developmental disorder, but with a spiky, not rounded profile, and I agree with the pp who said that your dd may be her age academically, but only fifteen years old in terms of practical and emotional maturity.

Sending solidarity and strength 💐

Agree wholeheartedly with every word of @Ifonlyitwerethateasy543’s post.

Uni's don't tend to count first year marks towards their degree grades as they recognise the changes freshers go through in first year. My Auadhd daughter has found first year hard - the scaffolding you mention we have continued into first year and her uni is 3.5hrs away. We are almost approaching first year as an exercise in her learning to live independently as a priority rather than academic success being a priority - our encouragement is aim to get what you need to be able to do second year if you want to - but focus on building a support network of friends, learning to look after yourself etc.

If my daughter has a wobble I tell her that all first years find first year hard and my recommendation is she sticks out the first year and then if she doesn't want to go to uni drop out for the second year. All kids are going to find coming back off christmas break tricky and going to a new term in the winter weather. At least the first term had some excitement and christmas break to look forward to - this term they know the drudgery and next break is easter.

The difference is my daughter wanted to go to do uni and was excited about her course (originally not so much now!) - I worry you have painted a picture of your daughter as she didn't feel she had much choice. I think I would encourage her to give this term ago and reassess things after that - she's paid for the accommodation presumable and some of the fees.

'I actually think I've been looking for people to tell me it's okay to let her leave university and I don't have to keep striving on her behalf. I think because other people don't see it, I'm aware that others might judge and think we're pushover parents.'

@allthethings I'm happy to say it - yes, both you and your daughter do not need to keep striving right now ❤️ Trust your gut.

Ifonlyitwerethateasy543

Yes,come sensory issues. Noise, some foods, dirty plates. Mild and managed but always lingering.

If she is ND she could well be in burn out. Also she is likely to be emotionally less mature than her actual age. Neither of these things are caused by you! You sound like you're doing a great job.

Hi. In my 20s with ADHD and anxiety here.

I had a terrible time year one of uni. My halls were full of drama (other students always has the police called on them), and I struggled being in a different city away from friends.

But I had a completely different time in years 2 and 3 when I could pick who to live with and id gotten more into a routine and got more bearings with the city.

Id genuinely encourage her to stick it out a little longer with the appropriate support from GP, mental health professionals and her family (as other commenters have already said)

Very best of luck

Loneliness might be one of the main causes! If she does decide to stay, has she considered signing up for something that lets a group of like-minded people meet at least once a week so she gets her fix for loneliness which could indirectly help with lots of other stuff. She could join a club, society, book club, orchestra... Literally anything that involves the same group of people meeting once a week with no pressure to talk but to just hang out in each other's company doing something. Over time those casual meet ups could help? And if if it doesn't there is still time for her to quietly drop out before the first year ends.

In that case I would try and encourage your dd to go ahead with an assessment if at all possible.

Btw the “I don’t know” response can be part masking, part overwhelm, part anxiety, and part needing to have researched through all of the options first in order to make a decision.

She’ll find her way op. She has made progress since being a child and she will continue to make progress, it’s just her progress may be a bit slower than her peers in some areas and her overall progress will not be linear and that’s fine. 💐

I read your posts and they could so easily have described me! I am autistic. I would most definitely recommend getting assessed. I didn’t get assessed until many years later. Instead I kept pushing on and I really regret it.

It must feel hopeless but I’d really urge you to stop seeking a diagnosis, and I say that as a psychotherapist. She is anxious for a reason and it’s not because she ‘has anxiety’. Feeling anxious is a response to the environment rather than it being something you have. Constantly trying to find a label is telling her that something is wrong with her and that won’t give her any confidence in facing life. This constant obsession with ‘mental health’ has done a huge disservice to young people, and their parents, who have become suspicious of any unpleasant emotion. It’s no wonder young people feel anxious when they’ve been told that unpleasant feelings are to do with ‘mental health’ - I’m so glad I grew up in the 70s and 80s when we had none of this. I’d urge you to watch Sami Timimi on YouTube - a child psychiatrist, who has written a lot about this. My advice would be let her come home, without making out that something is wrong with her, and let her find her way. A decent therapist would help, but I wouldn’t go down the CBT route. I’d also suggest thinking about how you, yourself, relate to your own unpleasant feelings - are you afraid of them? Do you feel that you shouldn’t feel them?

It's worrying that you are a "psychotherapist" and clearly have no understanding of autism/ adhd.

It certainly is. I’m so thankful I grew up during a time when feeling unpleasant feelings was just seen as part of life rather than being something to do with ‘health’. The narrative desperately needs to change

I think if you have no experience of dealing with neurodivergent children then you shouldn't comment. It's so exhausting.

Where did I say I have no understanding? Focusing on labels/diagnoses distracts from where the anxiety is coming from and can block a sense of agency. As a therapist, I see past the label

I would disagree. Only through focussing on my autism diagnosis could I understand the nature of my anxiety and address it. It usually takes an autistic therapist to really be able to help as they understand the way that a ND person’s brain works. It is hard to explain, but it is nearly impossible to remove the ‘label’ to look at the anxiety alone if you are autistic, as it is the autism generating the anxiety in situations.

That’s great that it’s been a help to you

Also, I’m sure she said her daughter isn’t interested in pursuing that path?

Frightening that the person that wrote this is a psychotherapist (if true). So much dangerous bullshit advice on this thread.

yup. Scarily old fashioned and amateur and clearly no lived experience 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m also a psychotherapist btw.

to an extent i agree
there was a comment about how she gets anxiety if there is a route change when driving
i thought, oh i get that, i must have anxiety
but no,
we would all get anxious if there is a route change when driving.
so giving a label like this is not solving anything.

God, no, please don’t have her come home for counselling and a diagnosis. She’ll stay ten years. Tell her to stay where she is and make it to the end of the year. Visit her often. Give her lots of support. She doesn’t have to enjoy it. Then at the end of the year she should re apply to the hospitality work she liked and try that. Don’t make a rod for your own back

Wow. I do hope when you advertise for clients you make it clear that you won't deal with anyone who's had a diagnosis of anxiety because you can't stand 'this constant obsession with mental health'.

There's no way a genuine psychotherapist would ever say that.